Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|[AKHWAT] I want 2 marry a religious person - Imam|
|08/18/01 at 04:06:02|
|I am an 17 year old muslim girl turning 18, I study Business and hopefully Arabic if the college that I go 2 offer it...they don't so I'm going 2 speak 2 the head of languages...I study Islam (not at college) self study by getting books from the library or ordering books on islam, the library don't have much books on islam so I'm going 2 write a formal complaint 2 them. I am trying 2 be a good muslim and|
inshAllah Allah(SWT) puts me on the right path.
Right, the point is that I know I am going 2 have an arranged marriage which I do not agree 2 unless I get 2 choose my muslim partner, the muslim partner that I want has 2 be religious or has to have alot of interest and knowledge into islam or is that kind of person that is gaining knowledge by reading books etc....or maybe IMAM..
How can I tell my parents this? I can't tell my father because he'll end up asking me 2 marry one of my cousins from abroad which I do not like for personal reasons - my father is aggressive and never listens to my mother as he has already done this 2 my sister when she was 18 and is now in despair - it is her third year at university (last year) and she knows that my father will hand over the forms 2 her (for visa) but she does not like her husband and she said that she will rip up the forms and divorce him, I am very scared because I know that at the end of the day my mother will get shouted at and insulted by my father because hes always insulting her, I wish I could teach him the values of the holy Quran about"treating your wife and children with kindness" but he will end up shouting at me or my mother, I am at the stage of packing up and leaving with my mother and sisters, but my mother says "it is better to die in the house than to run away from the situation and let society talk about you, let locals talk about you and you will not have any izaat left"
I hate myself for saying that we should leave the house because I know in my heart Allah will give us justice.
I think that women shouldn't be forced into marriages....I don't agree to women dating guys, my cousin does this and I tell her off.
my father is alright with us at one time and at another time he lashes out because he knows my sister doesn't like his nephew, but who should he put first his daughters or his nephews?, he knows that he's nephew is not fit for my sister because he is not a good person, I am not saying this to stick up for my sister because I would be the one saying whats done is done just give it a go but in this situation I can't because I know from my heart he is not fit for my sister.
overall my father treats my mother like trash and I've told her this but she says shes sticking with him for us, I love my mother to bits, I would do anything for her, her happiness is my happiness and her despair is my despair, I go to college and think to myself he must be shouting at her at home, he finds every little excuse to argue about, hes faught in fasting with us, Jumma, and then goes to mosque, when reading, hes probably thinking of ten swears about us....he thinks we are evil and he is in the right, when ever he calls me or my married sister he doesn't say daughter he says girl he doesn't even call us by our names and when my sister comes down for her holidays from uni he doesn't ask her how she is he doesn't even say hello....my father has not read the quran ever or learnt the alphabethic alphabet, because in the place or village they used to live in there wasn't no mosque as there house was in the middle of no where...he needs to be taught the values of the quran...he makes too much enemies, e.g. he don't talk to my moms nephews, he always insults my mothers family and so on what can I say theres too much things, my life is f---ed up I can't even breath Oh god help me......
If my mother passed away(god forbid) I don't know what I'd do because I know my father would get me on the first plane to pakistan and get me married and my others sisters, oh, what can we do??????....god help us.....
Wow... what a terrible situation to be in, subhanallah. I don't know what to say... It is sad but I know you are not alone, there are many sisters that have to go through the same things as you do because of the jahaliyya of our times.
I didn't get if you were living abroad or in Pakistan at this time, but perhaps the best thing for you would be to ask your friends and other family members etc to start looking for someone really good as a husband for you. If you
can find someone before your father arranges
things it would be better.
I don't know if you could convince your father about what is right and wrong in the Quran. Islamically forcing marriage is wrong. Islamically being harsh to your family is wrong no matter how much Quran you read. But the reality of the situation is that it is doubtful he would care about that.
Try to be strong and protect your mother from harm's way. Develop your own life so you would be able to stand on your own if you had to. ... maybe you can get some uncles in the community that are good to be on your side on the marriage issue. alot of times parents refuse to listen to the kids, even if the kids know better. but they listen to people they respect in the community.
inshallah those things might help. we will all make dua for you inshallah
Dear Sister AsSalam Alekum.
I think its wonderful how focussed you are regarding your studies. I wish I was that focussed when I was your age. Arabic / Business / Studying Islam!! I think that you will become an amazing inspirational Muslim sister, as you grow older.
Well it seems that it?s a difficult time for you and your family. From what I know and seen regarding these types of family problems there isn?t much of an out of the box solution.
Parents of the mindset you've explained usually are under stress and pressure of living up to strange expectations from back home (back home meaning Pakistan/India/Yemen etc).
These expectations are what I think drive alot of the problems putting families under severe stress:
I've seen some fathers act-feel they are literally betraying their brothers by not getting their nephews (backhome) to the UK/US. Via a marriage to their own daughters.
I don?t think there?s is anything wrong with people marrying from different countries. But I believe it does not happen often - and in most cases the arrangement is to get the men of the family out of the poorer country at the expense of "no-option" for their trapped girl cousin?s abroad.
Also some seem to feel it?s all about whats best for the Boys/Men of the family. And not really care about anything else...The women.
A women?s choice, feelings, wishes etc.
Tragically this is considered to be a STRONG MANLY honorable attitude/mindset.
I don?t know if this is helpful. ~Maybe? this will give you an insight to the deeper roots of the problems you face. The best thing I can suggest is to pray to Allah(swt) and do Duaa to ease away all these horrible problems.
Perhaps talking with your sisters and mother about the problem to orchestrate solutions... you might present to your father together. ( I know this is easy for me to say.)
I am confident you will continue to stay focussed on your studies and looking after your wonderful mother.
InshAllah things will get better- much better soon.
Your Brother in Islam
If I have said anything good it is from Allah(swt). If I have said anything bad it is from myself, so I ask for your forgiveness.
Asalaam alaikum wrt wb,
First of all sister I am sorry to hear about your
Through life we face many challenges and hardships.
How should we Muslims deal with intense personal
suffering and grief? How should we comfort a
friend or relative who is in distress?
Be sure We shall test you with something of fear
and hunger some loss in goods or lives or the
fruits (of your toil) but give glad tidings to
those who patiently persevere.
Who say when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah
we belong and to Him is our return."
They are those on whom (descend) blessings from
Allah and Mercy and they are the ones that
From these verses we can see that in a Muslim's
life, hardship and suffering should never come as
a complete surprise. In fact, Allah promises
us some hardship as a certainty, somewhere during
our lifetime. It is a test of our iman, our faith
in Allah, and we should not despair, because
there are lessons to be learnt from every
situation, especially from misfortune.
Abu Hurairah reported that Allah's Messenger,
peace be upon him, said: "For every misfortune,
illness, anxiety, grief, or hurt that afflicts a
Muslim -even the hurt caused by the pricking of a
thorn - Allah removes some of his sins."
Sister it appears that there is not a strong sense
of Islam among the other members in your family,
but alhumdullilah you want to make an effort to
find a religious, and Allah fearing man, so that
you may have a better life, insha'Allah.
With regards to your parents, you might want
to try and encourage them to be more involved
with local events at the mosque, attend
conferences, halaqas, attending the daily prayers
in the masjid. Insha'Allah this will give them
a sense of belonging to the community, and
insha'Allah they will meet other Muslims, and
maybe become better Muslims.
As far as your situation is concerned with
finding a suitable marriage partner, Islam
does not tolerate that women should be forced
into marrying someone they do not want to. This
is a right you have. As sister Huma mentioned,
try and get the friends and family to find
a suitable husband for you.
Insha'Allah we will all make duaa for you that
your life is better, and your burdens are
On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than
it can bear. It gets every good that it earns
and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray):
"Our Lord! condemn us not if we forget or fall
into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like
that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our
Lord! lay not on us a burden greater than we have
strength to bear. Blot out our sins and grant us
forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our
Protector; help us against those who stand
I guess you are really angry w/ your father
and rightly so. More so for your mom and your
sister than for yourself as I guess.
And subconsciously you have this innate fear
of being sent to Pakistan as a pack of sack.
And dealing w/ your situation I can only give
a) Remember Allah much and ask Him to lead you
and your family to the right path and ask of
b)Study your father's behavior as to what pleases
him. He seems to be bossy type so show your
affection toward him too as best as you can
and see and study any marked difference with a
conscious mind. Offer your help whenever you
can so as to gain his trust b'cos thats what is
missin'. If he is really concerned about the
future of his nephews so much as Br Majzoob
points out then give him (your father) constructive advices such as:
1. Tell him about Diversity 2001 program which
makes it possible to get a green card in a
draw that is conducted every month or so for
ppl of countries under-represented in US.
Pakistanis are eligible for that and u should
have a diploma or degree I guess.
2. Inform him that there are other means such
as getting an admission in a US school for
foreign students. But that requires good grades.
Therefore your father should be exhorting your
nephews to study hard and not show them green
pastures by 'using' his daughters.
3. Qualified software professionals are
coming in tens of thousands from India and
other countries. Muslims dont study and so do
Pakistanis so they are rarely found.
c) And lastly involve anyone both you and
your father trust if such a person can be
found. He/she should be either a religious
person (eg. an imaam) or family member.
And dont mar your education by thinking about
it all the time. Thats when satan traps human
being by showing a soft face, u understand?
Hope it helped and I pray that Allah help you
find a way.
I was wondering what you ment by arranged marriage-that your parents would dislike much if you married someone else, or that they would scream/hit at you if you married someone else.When you said your father asked you to marry your cousin, it didn't seem much like a forced marriage.It seems to me that you meant that life would be uncomfortable if you refused to wed your father's choice.As a solution, you can try marrying someone else,or if it gets really bad, finding some other sisters to move in with.To your father,I'd say:You may like me to wed my cousin, but in the end, I'm the one who'll be living with him.Or, you may want to re-examine your decision about your cousin:is family fitnah(turmoil) or marrying your cousin the best Islamic option?
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