Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|A W i f e|
|10/18/01 at 15:44:24|
A freind of mine e-mailed me this:
A lecture by
Sheikh Abdullah Adhami
On Husbands (and Wives)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your
whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your
partner, your companion, and your best friend.
She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your
joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears.
When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help,
she will do all she can for you;
When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will
give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in
the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the
day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you by her
physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her
heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your
eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her
in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her
The best description that I personally have ever read describing the
closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says:
"they are your garments and you are their garments" (Surah Al Baqarah
2:187). Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they
provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the
support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a
journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us
with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the
journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan
The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human
relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy
and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses
is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most
amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa
Ta'ala, "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions of your own
nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72) Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa
Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create
and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the
spouses. In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search
for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the
spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He
says in the Qur'an, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you
mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them
and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs
for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)
But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static
entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do
change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might
weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for
granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For
the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to
be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.
Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam had found
the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She out ran
him but later after she had gained some weight, he out ran her.
Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam took his wife to
watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show
of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and
Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any
emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam
said "one would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure
of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife"
Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting
food in your wife's mouth, opening the car's door for her, etc. Remember
that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to extend his knee to
his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.
Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together.
Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the
best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong.
Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always result in having
more peace at home.
Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam gave glad tidings
for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet
Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam even urged the spouse who rises up first to
wake the other spouse up even by throwing cold water on his/her face.
Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to
her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time
with her and always remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam
said "the best of you are those who are best to their wives"
Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses
until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great,
but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love
what she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your
loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's
parents coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her "I don't
like your parents" Naturally she angrily looked at him straight in the eye
and said " I don't like yours either"... Also, it is not enough that you
love her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe
there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world
will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.
The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi
wa'sallaam whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years extended to include
all those she loved and continued even after her death. It was many years
after her death and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was slaughtered
in his house he would send portions of it to Khadija's family and friends
and whenever he felt that the visitor at the door might be Khadija's sister
Hala, he would pray saying "O Allah let it be Hala."
|Re: A W i f e|
|10/18/01 at 17:53:40|
err... look at the previous thread in this category.. its the same article :)
|Re: A W i f e|
|10/18/01 at 18:24:52|
|...well not exactly the same, there are some differences|
|Re: A W i f e|
|10/18/01 at 18:29:30|
as salaamu alaykum,
Moe where ya been bro? Haven't seen you around the Madina in a while. Hope everything is going well inshaAllah. :)
|Re: A W i f e|
|10/20/01 at 20:55:06|
|Good article from soundvision.com|
Fundamentals of a happy marriage
by Shahina Siddiqui
Faith: The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.
Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim’s life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.
For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
Forgiving: When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah should forgive you’ they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other’.
One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.
If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.
Forget: When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.
Forbearance: Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life’s difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr’ (Quran, chapter 103).
Flexible: Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.
Friendship: This aspect of marriage has three components.
First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.
We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.
Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.
This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.
Friendly: Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.
Friends: The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.
Fun: Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.
Faithful: It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.
The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
Fair: Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.
Finance: One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife’s money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family
Family: Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.
A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential .
Feelings: Prophet Muhammad \stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.
Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse’s feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?
Freedom: Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one’s property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one’s spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.
Flirtation: A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.
Frank: Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other’s feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other’s inner self.
Facilitator: When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner’s spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family’s commitment to Allah and His Deen.
Flattering: Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse’s heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.
Fulfilling: To be all one can be to one’s spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one’s all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
Fallible: It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.
Fondness: So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.
Future: Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.
|Re: A W i f e|
|10/20/01 at 23:09:56|
more good stuff :)
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