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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|06/03/02 at 10:28:47|
Insha’Allah you are all in the best of health and iman.
It’s been a while since I have posted on this board and I come here today in the hopes that one of you can help me with a situation that I am in. I know this is a public board and I only ask for politeness and to be non-judgmental – leave that to my Creator, please. :)
Some may ask…”so why post it here?” Well, I have very few trustworthy people in my life, and those I did have, I pushed aside because I didn’t feel comfortable talking to them about this because I thought they wouldn’t understand. Now it’s eating me up inside…
I was put into a dilemma almost a year ago that has turned my life upside down. I say “put into” because at the time it was out of my control.
You see, I was raped, by a friend (at the time). The man who raped me was the Muslim who introduced me to Islam in the first place. As a result of that, I became pregnant. :(
After hearing all of the fatwas (from a reliable source!), I made the decision to ultimately keep the baby. Not one single person, outside of my family, knew of my decision, until now (because of this post).
I couldn’t tell anyone. Why? Because in the beginning I had opted to abort the pregnancy because I didn’t feel like I could handle it. But the day I went in to have the procedure done, I saw the baby moving around and it broke my heart. I felt like this innocent child didn’t ask to be brought into the world and Allah SWT gave him to me for some reason and I just couldn’t go through with it.
I battled within myself for months about the decision I made. I wanted to reach out to someone, anyone, just to feel some sort of support, but I felt like I betrayed my religion by making the choice I did. :(
I suffered greatly also. Because of the pregnancy my cancer got much worse and I almost died. In fact, my doctor’s had given me only 7 weeks to live. I wouldn’t have even delivered by then. I was put on a low dose medication and monitored every day. By the grace and mercy of Allah SWT I have made it through the pregnancy and now have a beautiful baby boy (Ibrahim). I am now doing well and growing stronger with each passing day.
Btw – there is *no* relationship between this man and myself. And although I have forgiven him for what he did and the way he hurt me, there is no contact amongst ourselves and it will remain that way.
After all that has happened, maybe it’s guilt or something, I have turned my back to Islam. I wondered how any *Muslim* could do such a thing to someone. I felt betrayed and violated. I felt like I was let down by Allah SWT. I was so angry! ):(
I feel in some ways that I have been led astray by the choice I made. I lost all feelings and desires. I try to do all that is required of me but nothing works.
Allah SWT blessed me with this beautiful boy. Out of an ugly situation came something beautiful. Something that showed me how wonderful life can be, and how cherished each moment is. I don’t think back to that night almost a year ago. I only look forward. And I think, Allahu a’lam, that if I had terminated this pregnancy, that event would forever live inside my heart and haunt me.
Brothers and Sisters, I know what is right. Islam is *the* way of life and I want to continue down that path but I don’t know how. :( How do I start over? It is too late to start over? Should I repent for what I did, eventhough I don’t regret it? Should I reach out to those few Muslim friends I have and tell them what happened and what I did?
How can I get the feelings back? Did Allah SWT turn His back on me and lead me astray? If so, should I even bother trying?
I really want to raise this baby as a Muslim. He deserves it. He’s wonderful and so innocent. I try very hard to practice everyday….it’s just not reaching my heart.
Please, please help me out. I’m lost and in desperate need for a friend and a little guidance.
I’m so sorry if your one of my few contacts and reading this for the first time. It’s just that I didn’t know how to explain it and was somewhat ashamed of what happened. Insha’Allah one day you can forgive me for not reaching out.
May Allah SWT bless each of you for reading this with compassion and understanding and may He guide us all to the straight path.
Please forgive me if this post offends anyone here.
|06/03/02 at 12:03:11|
|dear sister serena,|
i'm not muslim, but want to reply to you anyway. there are many kind and wonderful people here with a lot of wisdom and knowledge which i'm sure they will add to help you in the context of islam.
i read your story twice to be sure i understood it, and i see nothing that you did wrong. try not to be too hard on yourself. you made great choices, and now are just struggling with what happened to you and with the difficulty of the choices you made. keep trying to pray, keep trying to get back your faith and certainty - if you had it once, you will find it again. be careful to take care of yourself, because now you have someone tiny depending on you. eat well, sleep well, and i think it will help you to find others to support you. go to your local imam, whom you can trust, tell your story and i'm sure you will be sent to some wise and caring woman or women who can help you through everything.
i wish you the best, and am glad to hear that you have not given up and are still struggling as hard as you can.
write here as often as you need to for advice, use the anonymous choice if it helps you. or send a private message to someone here whom you know or feel you can trust. there are lots of good sisters here whom i'm sure would be happy to hear from you and who will help you in every way that they can.
|06/03/02 at 14:11:48|
|06/03/02 at 15:06:15|
|Assalamu alaikum Serena,|
I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must have gone through in the past year, and I also can't imagine that there's any way for me to help you, but I also don't understand what made you feel like you betrayed your religion. Keeping your child? Having thought about aborting? I don't know who would make you feel like your decision to keep your child is bad. Is it the fatwa that you read? Was it because you might have put your life in danger? Al hamdu lillah you've seen that with Allah's mercy and power you lived through it, and nothing guarantees that having an abortion would have helped you live longer. In fact the guilt and haunting you would have probably felt from doing it would have probably made things a lot worse. Not only would you have felt betrayed by this so called "Muslim" who took away your trust and love for Islam but you wouldn't have had your beautiful son at the end to comfort you.
I don't know what you feel you have to repent for? Why do you feel guilty? Nothing that happened was your fault and it's completely normal that you feel let down by this "Islam" that the man showed you.
I would strongly advise that you get councelling from a professional that will insha Allah help you deal with the rape. Insha Allah maybe if you get beyond that you won't be blaming yourself and Islam anymore, and that might help you get back to Islam. I'm positive it's not too late to start over again. You know Islam is the right way, but you can't *feel* it. Insha Allah give yourself time (and councelling) and you'll find your place back in Islam.
I don't know what to advise about confiding in the Muslims you trust. It's up to you and all I can say is only do what you feel comfortable with.
I'm very very sorry that this so called muslim did that to you. I get sick every time I hear about someone "introducing" a woman to Islam while at the same time taking advantage of her and being as far away from Islam himself as he could possibly be. It's disgusting. It's sickening and it's hurtful. A lot of strong Muslim women have come out of it, but a lot of women have also completely abandoned Islam. These people will have a lot to answer for when Allah asks them what they were doing.
|06/03/02 at 15:58:59|
My heart goes out to you. I know that you have suffered so much in the past few years. You don't see it yourself, but masha'Allah you have so much strength. Many people would have turned their backs on Islam a long time ago, but you continue to hang in there, even if by a thread.
Please take Mariam's advice and get counseling, so that you can get past this. As for telling your friends, some may abandon you, but insha'Allah others will support you and give you the strength that you need to carry on. wa Allahualim
Insha'Allah Ibrahim will grow up to be strong in his faith.
Please let me know if I can do anything for you.
Your sister in Islam
|06/03/02 at 16:30:42|
|Oh sis serena, i don't even know what to say except to know that someday the disgusting excuse of a man who did this to you will pay, very very dearly. If not in this world then on the day he meets the Judge of all judges! Unless of course forgiven by you and you did.|
As for you deciding to keep your child, i don't see what's the wrong in that. A child has no blame what so ever over the actions of his parents and children are ahbaabul(the beloved of) Allah. You should be very proud of your decision because you did the *right* thing!
Like the sisters said, please seek *professional* help. Rape is a very serious issue that has emotional and psychological ramifications. Please don't take it lightly(by assuming that you can deal with it by yourself) and above all DON'T lay blame on yourself when you are the VICTIM.
May Allah heal you and give you the strength to overcome this predicament.
take care sis,
|06/03/02 at 20:50:15|
|06/03/02 at 20:11:56|
|I remembered this ayah |
"And the recompense of evil is punishment like it, but whoever forgives and amends, he shall have his reward from Allah; surely He does not love the unjust. " Qur'an (42:40)
It's not my place to tell you whether to prosecute or forgive this man; both are your rights. I am humbled by your kindness even to the one who transgressed against you in such a manner. May Allah reward you with the best of rewards and forgive me for my rashness.
|06/03/02 at 20:52:11|
|06/04/02 at 00:28:24|
I think sister Serena is an example of those who 'Forgive so Allah will forgive them'. I don't think I would ever forgive such a [expletive removed :(]. Even though the person to whom the crime was perpetuated against has forgiven him, he will still receive his wrath from Allah for his evil deeds.
As for Serena, I think we all know that every pain a believer suffers is an expiation for them as long as they bear it with patience and with hope for Allah. In this case I think after everything you have gone through, the day your son was born is a day when you started a new life, inshaAllah forgiven for what went on before.
|06/04/02 at 00:33:16|
| [slm] :(|
I was so sad when I read your post. Sis, I don't understand why you feel you are wrong in this situation. Even though something horrible happened to you, you didn't leave Islam, and it seems obvious that Allah helped you through that situation. You said that you almost died because of the baby and cancer combination....the doctors sure you would not live, but Allah sent His mercy upon you. And not, you are alive and you have a beautiful baby boy. And raising your son in Islam will bring you many more blessings, Inshallah. Please, if you think that this was your fault, stop thinking this. The man who did that was VERY wrong, and I am shocked that he can call himself a muslim. It amazes me so much when I see the men who bring us into Islam sometimes.... The first Muslim guy I met, who made me research Islam, although he didn't go as far as yours did, tried as hard as he could to make my life as hard as possible. Mashallah, though, you have such a good heart that you could forgive him for what he did, inshallah you will find reward for that as well.
I think I am rambling, sorry. Let me just make one more point. Islam=peace, sis, and in my opinion, returning to Islam is the ONLY way to feel that inner peace that you are so desperately seaking. Counseling will help, don't get me wrong, and I sincerely hope that you do get help if you want it, but without Islam in your life, all of the counsuling in the world cannot help. In my hardest life situation, I left Islam for one year, and was miserable and depressed the whole time. The day I opened the Qur'an again was the day the peace returned to my heart. My advice sis: forgive yourself, because you did nothing wrong, and then open your heart to the beauty of Islam.
Inshallah that will help you.
|06/04/02 at 01:01:25|
When I read your situation, it reminded me of another similiar situation I heard that caused me to cry for a few days. Then I have heard of some other situations that are pretty serious but not of this magnitude. In those situations the people involved were "friends" with members of the opposite sex and were alone with them (though they didn't have the intention for anything bad to happen, it did anyways). They blamed the other person, but the truth is they should never have been in such a situation or been so close with these people. These people felt a lot of sadness and hurt inside and were losing their iman, and in some cases they repeated the same vicious cycle again and again. There was a complete feeling of emptyness and loneliness inside and little or no self-esteem. They didn't know what to do or how to end the suffering.
[NOTE: I'm not saying that what happened is your fault or your doing at all, for I do not have knowledge of the situation and I am in no place to make a judgement. I was merely mentioning what happened with these other people to illustrate that they shared the same feelings that you went/are going through.]
They wondered if their deeds would be accepted and how to end the suffering in their lives.
Allah (SWT) says: “Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him, and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the muhsinoon (good-doers) to be lost.” [Surah Yusuf 12:90 – interpretation of the meaning].
Brothers and Sisters, I know what is right. Islam is *the* way of life and I want to continue down that path but I don’t know how. How do I start over? It is too late to start over? Should I repent for what I did, eventhough I don’t regret it? Should I reach out to those few Muslim friends I have and tell them what happened and what I did?
How can I get the feelings back? Did Allah SubHana Wa Ta`ala turn His back on me and lead me astray? If so, should I even bother trying?
There are a lot of things you can do to build up your iman, such as reading more Quran, being in the company of pious sisters, trying to learn as much as possible about your deen, etc.
It is never too late to start over. Islam is the only way of life. You should not turn your back on it (ASTARGFULLAH), but rather turn to it and seek Allah's mercy, forgiveness, and help. One of the problem these people had was that they had the burden of their sins on their mind constantly and didn't know what to do, and even started to question, if there was any hope.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The punishment for sin is lifted from a person by means of ten things:
1 – Repentance; this is agreed upon among the Muslims. Allaah says (interpretation of the meanings):
“Say: ‘O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful’”
“Know they not that Allaah accepts repentance from His slaves and takes the Sadaqaat (alms, charity), and that Allaah Alone is the One Who forgives and accepts repentance, Most Merciful?”
“And He it is Who accepts repentance from His slaves, and forgives sins”[al-Shoora 42:25]
2 – Praying for forgiveness. It was narrated in al-Saheehayn that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a person commits a sin, then says, ‘O Lord, I have committed a sin so forgive me,’ He says, ‘My slave knows that he has a Lord Who may forgive sins or punish for it; I have forgiven My slave…’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6953; Muslim, 4953)
In Saheeh Muslim it is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If you did not commit sin, Allaah would do away with you and bring people who would commit sins then ask Him to forgive them, so He would forgive them.” (al-Tawbah, 4936)
3 – Doing good deeds which wipe out sins. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And perform As‑Salaah (Iqaamat‑as‑ Salaah), at the two ends of the day and in some hours of the night [i.e. the five compulsory Salaah (prayers)]. Verily, the good deeds remove the evil deeds (i.e. small sins)”[Hood 11:114]
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The five daily prayers and Jumu’ah (Friday prayers) and Ramadaan take away the bad deeds between one and the next, if you avoid major sins.” (Narrated by Muslim, 344).
And he said: “Whoever fasts Ramadaan out of faith and the hope of reward, his previous sins will be forgiven.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 37; Muslim, 1268).
And he said: “Whoever spends the night of Laylat al-Qadr in prayer out of faith and the hope of reward, his previous sins will be forgiven.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1768).
And he said: “Whoever performs Pilgrimage to this House, and does not behave in an obscene or immoral manner, he will go back free of sin like the day his mother gave birth to him.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1690).
And he said: “The expiation for the fitnah caused to a man by his family, wealth and children is prayer, fasting, enjoining what is good and forbidding what is evil.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 494, Muslim, 5150).
And he said: “Whoever frees a believing slave, for each of (the slave’s) limbs Allaah will free one of his limbs from the Fire…” (Narrated by Muslim, 2777).
These and similar ahaadeeth are narrated in the books of Saheeh. And he said: “Charity extinguishes sin as water extinguishes fire, but hasad (malicious envy) consumes good deeds as fire consumes wood.”
4 – The du’aa’ of the believers for the believer, such as when they pray the funeral prayer for him. It was narrated from ‘Aa’ishah and Anas ibn Maalik that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no Muslim who dies, and a group of Muslims numbering one hundred pray for him, all of them interceding for him, but their intercession for him will be accepted.” (Narrated by Muslim, 1576).
It was narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas said: “I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: ‘There is no Muslim man who dies, and forty men pray the funeral prayer for him, not associating anything with Allaah, but Allaah will accept their intercession for him.’” (Narrated by Muslim, 1577). This refers to praying for him after he has died.
5 – Good deeds which can be done for the deceased, such as giving in charity (on his behalf), etc. This will benefit him, according to the clear, saheeh texts of the Sunnah and the consensus of the Imams. The same applies to freeing slaves and Hajj (on his behalf), indeed it was proven in al-Saheehayn that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever dies owing any (obligatory) fasts, his heir should fast them on his behalf.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5210; Muslim, 4670).
6 – The intercession of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and others on the Day of Resurrection for those who have committed sins. This is narrated in the mutawaatir ahaadeeth about intercession, such as the hadeeth in which he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “My intercession will be for those among my ummah who have committed major sins.” (Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood, 3965). And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I was given the choice between admitting half of my ummah to Paradise and intercession, and I chose intercession.” (See Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3335).
7 – Calamities by means of which Allaah expiates sins in this world. It was narrated in al-Saheehayn that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No tiredness, exhaustion, worry, grief, distress or harm befalls a believer in this world, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allaah expiates some of his sins thereby.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5210; Muslim, 4670).
8 – The torment, squeezing and terror that happens in the grave. These are also things by means of which sins are expiated.
9 – The horrors, distress and hardship of the Day of Resurrection.
10 – The mercy and forgiveness of Allaah, with no cause on the part of His slaves.
See: Majmoo’ Fataawa Ibn Taymiyah, vol. 7, p. 487-501.
To relieve worries and distress recite the du’aa’s narrated from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), for example, the saheeh hadeeth narrated from Ibn Mas’ood (may Allaah be pleased with him): “There is no-one who is afflicted by distress and grief, and says: ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka ibn ‘abdika ibn amatija naasyati bi yadika, maada fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka. As’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghayb ‘indaka an taj’al al-Qur’aana al-‘Azeema rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’ huzni wa dhihaab hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your maidservant; my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You have named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Holy Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety),’ but Allaah will take away his distress and grief.” This is one of the remedies prescribed in sharee’ah. One may also say: “Laa ilaaha illa anta, subhaanaka inni kuntu min al-zaalimeen (There is no god but You, glorified (and exalted) are You, truly I have been of the wrongdoers).” [cf. al-Anbiya’ 21:87]
Another form of treatment is ruqya with which a person may treat himself – which is better. The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do ruqyah for himself by reciting al-Mi’wadhatayn (the last two soorahs of the Qur’aan) when he went to sleep, then he would wipe his face and whatever he could of his body. Or a person may go to someone whose religious commitment he trusts to do ruqyah for him.
See what the scholars have written about du’aa’ such as al-Waabil al-Sayyib by Ibn al-Qayyim, al-Kalim al-Tayyib by Shaykh al-Islam, al-Adhkaar by al-Nawawi, and Zaad al-Ma’aad by Ibn al-Qayyim.
From the fatwas of al-Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen, Kitaab Fataawa Islamiyyah, vol. 4, p. 465-467.
|06/04/02 at 01:04:31|
|06/04/02 at 09:22:00|
dear Serena, it's so nice to read a post from you again :) I was thinking about you in the last couple of weeks, wondering how you were :)
I am so delighted that a shining light - Ibrahim - has come out of this whole sad sorry mess. I think he is what you should be focussing on now. I agree with the others that you did nothing wrong, and maybe you should talk to someone about the rape.
I know it has been such a hard, hard time for you in the last year. I'm not going to get into it, but just to say that it appears to me that you have emerged out of the darkness, with Ibrahim in your arms, and your daughter by your side - all three of you blinking at the bright light, but ready to get going again. This is the image I have.
[quote]How can I get the feelings back? Did Allah SubHana Wa Ta`ala turn His back on me and lead me astray? If so, should I even bother trying?[/quote]
I certainly don't think Allah has turned his back on you. Do you know the poem "Footsteps"? After a man has died he is looking back on his life which is displayed as footsteps in the sand. All the time there are two sets of footsteps - those of his and those of God. He notices at the hard times in his life, times of difficulty, there was only one set of footsteps. Anguished he turned to God and said "Oh God, why did you desert me in my times of difficulty, when I needed you most?". To which the answer came "In your times of hardship I was with you all the time, it was at those times that I carried you."
Have faith Serena. Start again slowly, that is if you have stopped. Go through the motions and soon you will feel Allah all around you again. Look at your children, you will feel Allah. And for me, making dua directly after Salat is the time that I feel Allah most. Wallahi, sometimes I start to cry because I feel like Allah has his arms around me.
I wish this for you too, Serena. Don't forget, when all have deserted you, Allah is the one who is constant, unchanging, and always there for you. Reach out a hand to him, he will reach out an arm to you, take one step towards him, he will run to you.
You can email me anytime :) I'd love to hear from you.
Take care, Insha Allah
|06/04/02 at 10:20:59|
Just to clear up a few misconceptions... :
There is a huge difference between engaging in premarital relations and in being raped. The former is cosensual and the latter is a forced betrayal of trust.
It is very important to remember therefore, that the victim of rape is just that - a victim, and should be treated as such, unconditionally. Many times we have heard the (wrong) attitude, that the woman is in some part to blame, whether because she wasn't dressed modestly, or because she responded to flirting etc etc. This is utter rubbish. A rape is a criminal act. An exertion of power over someone weak.
So-called "honour-killings" which sadly take place in Islamic countries, are a cultural practice and in no way represent Islam. Islam is a peaceful religion and a just religion, in which the wrong doer is punished and the victim receives rewards for their sufferings.
The victim should be treated gently and with dignity. All the recriminations in the world, will just lead to her feeling even worse. And as demonstrated in this incident, the victims of such crimes tend to feel as though they share some of the responsibility, even though, from an outside position, they are in no way to blame.
From [url=www.islam-qa.com]islam Q&A[/url]
What can those Muslim women do who have been assaulted and become pregnant as a result of rape? Is it permissible for them to abort the foetus or not?
Praise be to Allaah.
Because the Muslims have become so weak and humiliated, they, along with their lands and their honour, have become fair game for anyone; the nations call one another to attack them from all sides. Many Muslim women have often become a target for the scavenging wolves of humanity, who do not fear Allaah or any deterrent, as is the case in many countries in the Muslim world, and as has happened in Bosnia and Herzegovina, in the Philippines, in Chechnya, in Eritrea, and in the prisons of some of the contemptible systems of the Arab world.
There follow some important points concerning the woman who has been raped:
1 – The raped woman who did her utmost to resist these thugs and their ilk is not guilty of any sin, because she was forced into it, and the one who is forced to do something is not guilty of sin in the case of kufr, which is worse than zinaa (unlawful sexual activity), as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“except him who is forced thereto and whose heart is at rest with Faith…”
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah has forgiven for my ummah for their mistakes, what they forget and what they are forced to do.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah in al-Talaaq, 2033; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan Ibn Maajah, 1664).
The Muslim woman who has fallen prey to a rapist will be rewarded for bearing this calamity with patience, if she seeks reward with Allaah for the harm that has befallen her. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No stress or exhaustion befalls the Muslim, nor worry or distress, even a thorn which pricks him, but Allaah will expiate for his sins because of that.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim).
2 – Young Muslim men should hasten to marry women such as these who have been tormented, so as to reduce their suffering and console them, to compensate them for the loss of the most precious thing that they possess, which is their virginity.
3 – With regard to their having abortions – the basic principle concerning abortion is that it is haraam and is not allowed from the moment of conception when it becomes a new being and is “placed in a place of safety” [cf. al-Mursalaat 77:21], i.e., the womb, even if this being is the result of a haraam relationship such as zinaa. In the case of the Ghaamidi woman who had confessed to zina and thus the punishment of stoning became obligatory, the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told her to go away until after she had given birth, then after she had given birth, he told her to go away until the child was weaned.
4 – There are some fuqahaa’ who think that it is permissible to have an abortion within the first forty days of pregnancy. Some of them even permit it until before the soul is breathed into the embryo. The stronger the excuse, the clearer the reason for the concession is, and if that is within the first forty days it is, this means that the concession is more appropriate.
5 – Undoubtedly the rape of a Muslim woman by an evil enemy is a strong reason for the Muslim woman and for her family to have an abortion. For she will hate this foetus, the result of this iniquitous attack, and she will want to get rid of it. So this concession is to be given because of necessity, especially in the first days of the pregnancy.
6 – Nevertheless, there is nothing wrong with a Muslim woman who has suffered this disaster keeping the foetus without being forced to get rid of it. If it is decreed that it should remain in her womb for the usual term and she gives birth to it, then it will be a Muslim child, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Every newborn is born in a state of fitrah (the natural state of man, i.e., Islam).” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari). The fitrah is the religion of Tawheed, i.e., Islam. It has been stated in fiqh that if the parents have different religions, the child should follow the parent who has the best religion. This is in cases where the father is known, but what about the child who has no father? He is a Muslim child, no doubt, and the Muslim society is obliged to take care of his upbringing, to spend on him and to bring him up well. They should not leave the burden to his poor, suffering mother.
One of the basic principles of Islam is to relieve distress and hardship, so if a Muslim girl who is keen to remain chaste is exposed to bestial aggression and fears the effect that this may have on her reputation or her honour, or fears that she may be an outcast or that she may be subjected to harm such as being killed, or she fears that she may suffer psychological or nervous diseases, or that her sanity may be affected, or that shame may be brought upon her family for a matter in which she is not guilty of any sin, or that the child will not find any place of safety, then I say: that if this is the case, there is nothing wrong with her aborting the foetus before the soul is breathed into it, especially when it has become easy for a woman to find out if she is pregnant or not, with the advance of medical means of detecting pregnancy in the first week. The earlier the abortion is carried out, the more appropriate this concession is. And Allaah knows best.
From Ahkaam al-Janeen fi’l-Fiqh al-Islaami by ‘Umar ibn Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem Ghaanim (www.islam-qa.com)
I appeal to you all to please think carefully before you post and remember that we are all responsible before Allah for our words on the Day of Judgement.
|06/04/02 at 10:22:37|
|06/04/02 at 11:05:19|
|Dear Brothers and Sisters,|
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.
Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. I greatly appreciate them. :)
Please allow me to further clarify things and insha’Allah it will make more sense…
Bhaloo, the situation you mentioned was similar to mine – I was friends with him, but…
He’s a married man, with kids. I was friends with all his family for almost 2 years before I converted. I loved them all like they were *my* family.
For almost the first year after my conversion he stood by me and tried to assist me with anything I needed. He once told me that he felt protective of me because I was a single mom and he didn’t want me to be taken advantage of (lol! I’m almost half his age!)
I would have dinner at their house and vice versa.
The rape wasn’t just an *ordinary* one. I was drugged with ghb.
One day I was very upset. He came to my residence to see if he could comfort me. He told me that he was going to make tea and after drinking it, that’s all I remember. I didn’t realize anything had happened until I woke up vomiting (yuck!).
I’m not an evil or vindictive person. He knew this and he used it against me. He told me that if I told anyone about what happened he would run my name through the dirt within the Muslim community. :(
No matter how much I despised him at that time, I couldn’t send him to jail. I couldn’t hurt his wife or kids like that. They adored him and looked up to him. I wasn’t going to be the one who ruined a 25 year marriage.
I could have destroyed him, but I didn’t. And I don’t regret it.
I didn’t forgive him right away, yet I knew from the beginning that I would. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t forgive him and put it behind me. And in some weird way, I was hoping that if I was the *better* person and forgave him then he would see that he might have hurt me physically but I wasn’t going to let him destroy my spirit. :)
Alhamdulillah, when all of this happened, my(our) Sister Cindy (May Allah forgive her) was alive and she was an amazing help to me, as well as my inspiration. I also received some counseling from a friend of the family.
The guilt and bad feelings I have, have nothing to do with the rape. I *know* (allahu a’lam) that I didn’t perpetuate it. Yes I was guilty for being “alone” with him. But I didn’t deserve to be raped. It was a hard lesson to learn…but now I know better and insha’Allah it will never happen again.
What hurt the most were my mixed feelings towards the pregnancy. In the beginning I did reach out to a select few people and told them about the pregnancy but I didn’t get a good reaction.
I was told that he would be a “bastard” child and be a constant reminder of this disgusting man. Some people told me that the anger I felt towards him would surface and I would take it against the baby. I was also told that the community (Muslim) would frown upon me.
Also, I was told that bringing the baby into this world without a father would be a disgrace.
I was wrong in not seeking out knowledge in keeping the baby. Probably all of my questions could have been answered and I wouldn’t have carried these feelings for so long.
But…with the initial negative reactions I received, I backed off and didn’t feel comfortable about reaching out to anyone else.
I felt like I betrayed the religion because I was told that I shouldn’t keep the baby and I did.
I want so badly to raise my son as a good Muslim. It breaks my heart when I look at his sweet innocent face. He deserves the best that life has to offer.
I want the love for Islam to fill my heart as it once did. :(
Here’s the crazy thing about all of this…
The man who raped me has now turned to Islam. He prays and is trying his best to become a “righteous” Muslim – if that’s possible.
If he’s sincere on his journey then I wish him the best, with much success in his life. May Allah SWT guide him to what’s right and protect us all from the transgressions of others.
Now if only I can find my way. :(
Thank you for listening to me ramble.
PS – Please allow me some time to respond to each post and IM personally. I’m a new mom now and my time is limited, but I will respond by the weekend, insha’Allah. :)
|06/04/02 at 11:39:07|
|My poor girl, my heart goes out to you, the innocent may suffer now, but there is the promise of light at the end of the tunnel. There is no darkness so dark that the light cannot dispell it. |
You have done nothing wrong, and I respect and admire your decision. Bring the child up as well as you can and don't talk to him about his father. There are always people who will point the finger and say "oh, hes a bastard, etc," but God sees everything and he alone will judge you.
About your feeling regarding Islam, I can only surgest that you read the Qua'ran alone and pray on your own, and when you feel ready, go forth into the greater Islamic world.
I wish you the best in your life
|06/04/02 at 12:53:58|
| [slm] Sis Serena|
I was having dinner with Sis Barr last Thursday when we talked abt members from the old board and somehow your name was mentioned. We wondered what happened to you and was thinking if you would write in again soon. What a comeback post......
Sometimes, I don't know about you, but I wish life was just made up of two colours. Black or white, right or wrong, true or false. Then life would be much easier to understand and hopefully easier to live. But, life is not just black and white, right and wrong etc, life is a myriad of colours and an explosion of experiences. Sometimes, its very easy to get our vision clouded by such brilliance that somehow, someway, we all falter at one point or the other.
In the numerical sense, I know I am not old yet, I will be 32 soon. But somehow, deep within me I feel so old, so very old. I have seen, heard, tasted, touched and thought about so many things that I often wonder if I could ever experience a new thing again. My path has been fraught with its perils and challenges and many a times I have fallen to temptation, may Allah forgive me. I used to brush off such lapses, telling myself that Allah will forgive me. Then, last year, I went through the most horrific experience of my life. Too horrific for me to even talked to myself about it. The result ? I carry and I know I will carry the scar of that event for the rest of my life.
I was traumatised and went through an almost total withdrawal of life. I lost the will to laugh, I lost the will to love myself...and I lost the will to ask for forgiveness for I felt that forgiveness from Allah was too good for me. I carried that burden with me for a long time. I was an empty shell. I was a poor excuse of a Muslim.
Today, I still carry the very sad memory of what happened but I can now laugh. I am beginning to learn to love myself again and I have never stopped asking Allah for forgiveness every single day and every single time I could. Wanna know what made the turnaround possible ? Because, everyday we begin something with Basmallah. That simple sentence is so short and yet it carries a whole load of meaning. At this juncture Sis Serena I would like you to read with me, In the Name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful. Isn't it beautiful ? The Most Gracious and the Most Merciful, can u imagine that ? If you can find it in your heart to forgive that man, why on earth do u not think that Allah will forgive you. And Sis, THAT is all that we need, His Forgiveness and His Love. I believe in that fact so very absolutely and it has changed my life. If you read the Quran you will realise that the whole tone of the message is about mercy and forgiveness and repentance, Alhamdulillah.
Sis Serena, blaming yourself and your past actions will only be unfair to you and Ibrahim. To you because if Allah can forgive you, then you are not embracing His capacity to love and be merciful. To Ibrahim because that beautiful boy will only know you as his mother, the woman strong enough to give birth to him despite all the odds. He will not know u as anything else.
Maybe those actions and advice taken and given during your pregnancy have impacted you negatively somewhat but now we are here to tell you that you have only to be PROUD of yourself and not anything else because u are here today Sis, you have believed in yourself enough to reach out to friends. As a friend, all I can say is that I will make du'a that someday you will realise how wonderful a person you are to have come this far after all that has happened and that you will have that peace in your heart that u seek.
As for starting to live Islam all over again, simple. Say Bismillahirrahmannirrahim...and BELIEVE.
A very big hug to you from across the miles.
|06/04/02 at 16:12:38|
Sorry to hear the suffering you've gone through. It is times like these one loses hope to go on further. But you have to remember this life is a test for us to prove our loyalty towards Allah. So no matter what happens never lose hope. "He" is the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate. Trust "Him" when "He" says, '94:5 But lo! with hardship goeth ease'.
Moreover, you have to recall the basic belief of Aqeedah. This life is short. Compared to the eternal after life it's nothing. The next life is a life of bliss for those who perservered in this life.
Hang in there sis. Once this life is over, I bet we'll all look back and say to ourselves, if we had to endure all the sufferings all over again we surely will because the reward in the after-life is worth striving for.
Our Lord is a Just and Loving God and never will "He" wrong us, never.
Remember Gods promise to "His" devout followers
108.1 To thee have We granted the Fount (of Abundance).
108.2 So pray unto thy Lord, and sacrifice.
|06/05/02 at 05:55:28|
My heart goes out to you sister Serena. I admire your strength, courage and patience....only someome with deep faith in their hearts could have gotten through what you went through. This can only prove that Allah SubHana Wa Ta`ala was with you every step of the way and guided you.
I also admire the intentions you have towards your innocent son, Ibrahim. It reminds me of the following hadith:
Sahih Bukhari Volume 2, Book 23, Number 441:
Narrated Abu Huraira :
Allah's Apostle said, "Every child is born with a true faith of Islam (i.e. to worship none but Allah Alone) but his parents convert him to Judaism, Christianity or Magainism, as an animal delivers a perfect baby animal. Do you find it mutilated?" Then Abu Huraira recited the holy verses: "The pure Allah's Islamic nature (true faith of Islam) (i.e. worshipping none but Allah) with which He has created human beings. No change let there be in the religion of Allah (i.e. joining none in worship with Allah). That is the straight religion (Islam) but most of men know, not." (30.30)
May Allah continue to keep you steadfast upon His path....ameen.
|06/05/02 at 05:56:56|
|06/06/02 at 11:55:34|
sis. Serena, may Allah honor and elevate you on the Day of Judgement. Even the scratch of a thorn will be recompensed by Allah, nothing is beyond His Vision. Allah is the Most Just, and elevates and purifies His servants through tribulation.
We often delude ourselves by looking at the outer things of this world, but there is a deeper dimension, a spiritual dimension, that is the world of meaning. If we peer into this world, we find beauty in difficulty, honor in hardship, purification in suffering. Allah has placed a delicate balance in all things, and we should never dispair that something is beyond His Knowledge.
I remind myself that all of our mountains of past sins become mountains of virtue when we return ourselves to Our Creator. Peace, tranquility, and harmony await the journeyman who embarks on the path of Truth. Searching and striving for the Tree of Wisdom his whole life, the seeker one day finds that the Tree has blossomed, within his own heart.
Sister Serena, my heart is with you, and we are here for you, at your service :)
|06/06/02 at 13:20:47|
|Salaam Alaykum.Sister I'll pray for you to Allah swt. You will get insha-allah |
good feelings back.Wassalamu Alaikum. The Reciter
|06/06/02 at 15:15:41|
May Allah make it easy for you Sis Serena. Only Allah knows the true extent of your pain and what you are going through. I can't say much apart from that Allah is always there for you no matter what and only through Allah will our problems be solved.
I know its easier said than done, as Shaytaan is the one who tries his utmost to put doubts and question our faith. Yet if we hold fast to the sunnah and the Quran, I'm sure we will all find our way.
A question I may ask is are you not going to press charges against this man for what he has done ? Recently as you and everyone else is aware that there has been an investigation into sexual abuse conducted by catholic priests(worldwide). Now somebody somewhere must have know that gross eveil act was commited and should have spoken out, perhaps less people may have been affected by this act.
So who knows what this person might do next in the name of religion who abused you, personally I think he should go behind bars for doing such an act. If no one speaks out, he may try again....
|06/06/02 at 15:57:02|
Sister Serena... I am speechless ...but I hope that Allah maintains your strength ... and hope that this test...this hardship will even make you to be a stronger Muslimah ....
I'm sure that you're a wonderful mother to Ibrahim....
|06/06/02 at 16:14:24|
|I agree with BroHamif, You must tell someone about this, for Islams own sake. I've been trying to track islam's fall and things like that contribute to it.|
|06/06/02 at 17:10:18|
Just wish to make a correction here chris. Islam never fell. It's just the muslims who are having their bad days. So it would be acceptable to say, I have been trying to track "Muslims" fall. :'(
|06/11/02 at 01:59:45|
sister i pray that Allah is making your iman grow stronger every day , and that your health is getting better.
firstly sis, you have to know that it was not your fault, he raped you, he is the one who will be accountable for that.
alhamdulilah you made a first step, you have recognised you have a problem and want help. do you know not many people would try. but you have that is proof that you have the capability to become stronger.
so what you need to remeber is that Allah forgives ALL sins, except shirk.
so dont delay, start today, dont let shaytan, try and fool you and let you think that your creator will not forgive you for being neglectful to your deen
remeber Allah forgives ALL sins
sister i think that if you feel that our advice is not useful then please post a question onto this website www.islamonline.net . it has a cyber councelors who are muslims and give out good advice. they have delt with people with these type of problems, and alhamdulilah they are not judgemental, so go to that website, then click onto cyber councelor, then onto submit an question, which is either on the top of teh screen or the bottom, it is better to post any other day except thursday and fridays cos its there weekend, and it takes about two or less than that weeks to get a reply, so please try this if we are not helpful.
take care please email me if you need to talk im here for you as much as allah permits
by the way my name is aaliyah, its a pleasure to meet you
take care of yourself
and your beautiful son
|06/11/02 at 02:09:11|
|on the authorityof anas (ra) who said : i heard the messenger of Allah [saw] say Allah the almighty said:|
o son of adam, so as long as you call upon Me ask Me. i shall forgive you for what you have done, and i shall not mind. o son of adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, i would forgive you. o son of adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me , ascribing no partner to ME, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it
|06/11/02 at 11:19:59|
I guess every1 said it all, but one thing i want to say is jazakum allahu kheir for posting this post. You have made us realize that our problems are not as half as bad as we think they are. You have showed me true sabr, and tawakul on Allah (dependence on Allah) Just the fact that you want to get back that feeling, is a first step to getting it back. Allah is testing you this way, so do not give up. Jannah is surrounded by hardship; remember that:). I guarantee you that you have gained much more benefit in this then loss. Allah blessed you with a face that will shine your day every time it becomes gray. I hope your lil child will always shine ur day. May Allah bless him and reward you for what you have done for his sake, and for Islam’s. May Allah grant you the happiness you deserve, and help your reach the highest rank of Eman. Ameen, Ameen, Ameen
PS you have touched my heart, My Allah reward you
|07/07/02 at 16:10:57|
|[quote author=nisa link=board=madrasa;num=1023114527;start=15#15 date=06/05/02 at 05:55:28] [slm]|
I admire your strength, courage and patience....only someone with deep faith in their hearts could have gotten through what you went through. [/quote]
It seems my thoughts upon reading this thread echoed those lines. I read it a few a days ago, and since then the 'beauty' of your story and the compassion of the replies have been weaving their way in and out of my thoughts. I had this need to reply, I guess thats what pushed me to register. Though it seems there's nothing to say that hasn't already been said. Its such a horribly tragic story, and yet there is so much within the sorrow and the hurt that can only be named as beautiful. The courage, the strength, the patience, all of the elements that intertwined to symbolize your faith.
Everything that comes and goes in our lives, comes and goes with the will of Allah swt. Oftentimes the reasons for such are beyond our comprehension, but in all cases its for us to accept as the will of Allah swt, and move on, and not simply move on, but to move on with patience, strength, faith and trust in the supreme will of Allah swt. This life is nothing but a test for us, like our Prophet sallallaho alaihe wasallam said, [i]'This world was created for you, but you were created for the akhirah'[/i] and we shouldn't lose sight of that despite the seemingly never-ending turn of this fragile earth.
Don't despair Serena, you have a lot of faith inside of you, reading your lines it seemed so apparent to me. There are times in the lives of all where one doesn't feel as close to Allah swt as one once did, where one feels one's faith, one's love is diminishing and yet you can work through it. Every night has its dawn. As a very dear and wise woman once put it, everyone has their ups and downs, sometimes you slip and fall into a mud puddle but you dont just sit there letting the cold water seep into you clothes and chill you, you get up run home for a quick change of clothes and are back on your way; and so it is with our iman, sometimes we let it slip and slide into a pit of darkness, letting the darkness obscure its light, and it is that darkness that seems to cut us off from Allah swt, and we can't let that happen. No matter how lost and empty we may feel, we must grab on to the threads of faith that we have, pushing/pulling, going through all the actions of faith, even if our heart is not in them, praying, reading quran, making duaa, spending time in the company of those who are close to Allah swt, anything, everything, because no matter how hopeless it may seem there is always hope as long as you are willing to believe in its existence.
|07/07/02 at 16:16:12|
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