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|Some Researched Advice from Married Sisters|
|10/15/02 at 10:10:15|
|As-salaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullah, sisters|
This "research" was originally done for some friends "on the hunt," who specifically have been complaining about not being married, but since this seems to be a "universal" issue, thought others may benefit here as well, insha'Allah.
Methods: Here’s the deal - I asked roughly 6 married friends based in various countries (mostly US-born) for their advice/thoughts on what a single sister should look for/not look for, etc. I formatted it into a “survey” style questionnaire. Half of them responded so far (the other half are slackers. jk). I also let them know that the survey results would be presented to those I thought may benefit (with their anonymous answers, of course), since I *know* a lot of sisters who are looking and looking for some of the wrong things. Allahu’Alim.
Results: You decide. I know I learned a thing or two, wal-hamdulillah. My favorite: the "model-Imam" bit. :)
Disclaimer: For those of you with serious decisions to make, please make istikhaara/prayer for guidance. These results are helpful advice, but do not take precedence over Allah’s guidance, wa laa hawla wa laa quwatta illa billaah. And yes, since these sisters know me pretty well, they're probably pointing their fingers directly at me, so don't take this advice personally!
For you other married sisters: Feel free to answer this questionnaire, as well.
1.What qualities would you recommend single sisters look for in a brother?
Sister 1 - He has to be practical, not materialistic, honest--if he lies before marriage, what do you think he'll do after? he has to have the fear of Allah, you have to be on the same wave length--don't expect him to change for you or you to change for him, it isn't that easy, also, look at the in laws and the potential living arrangement--is it comfortable for you??
Sister 2 - fear and love of Allah, attachment to masjid, humbleness, nice treatment to his mother, ability to converse.
Sister 3 - So far as qualities go, you want to narrow it down to maybe three or at most four. While it may seem that it goes without saying, I must stress Deen, and more importantly assess what level you are at, where you are headed and where you want your man to be at. The second quality for me was family....his relationship with his parents/siblings/etc. And with that, ideally how many children he wanted and when. And lastly, I asked him what his goals in life are, where he was headed, where he saw his family heading, what his expectations of a wife were (we all have certain expectations of each other and it helps to know these before hand and discuss them if you don't agree, not with the intention of changing his mind, but to see his flexibility on certain issues).
Sister 4 – his deen; his relationships with his parents and siblings, esp. sisters if he has any; his views on what you consider important aspects in Islam; if he is hard-working and self-sufficient; how he interacts with your parents; level of education and his view on education and increasing one’s knowledge; superficially, well not really, if YOU find his appearance attractive.
2.Which of these qualities ended up being the most important to you, in the long-run (besides deen)?
Sister 1 - Being on the same wave length: it is important for the marriage's survival and once you have kids, it is really important that you two agree more than disagree. And if you're not on the same wavelength, being truly happy in the marriage is really hard especially if one is always compromising.
Sister 2 - in the long run his respect for a woman be it mother, wife, daughter means a lot, how does he look at a woman 's responsibilities in life, does he realize how important and hard it is?
Sister 3 - The most important quality for me was his vision of the future. Without going into much personal detail, I realized that having a vision that matches yours helps tremendously and the way you get there is the fun part!
Sister 4 – hard-working, self-sufficient, interactions with his own family and with my parents; education and view on education.
3.What qualities (that you know other sisters are currently looking for) really don’t matter as much?
Sister 1 - the guy's income, his looks, his profession, his HEIGHT!!!! and I think a lot of sisters are basing too much on first encounters. Just as a guy can't know everything about a girl in an evening, a girl must also be willing to give the "rishta" a chance before rushing to judgment!
Sister 2 - looks should not really matter, or how tall, has he grown up here. I believe men who have been brought up out of America are more mature and understanding.
Sister 3 - I would say that while my experience is limited, I have been under the impression that many sisters are looking for a model-imam! You know, they want the cover of GQ who has a PhD in Islamic Studies. I hate to be so blunt, but while you want to be attracted to your spouse, it is not only the physical qualities that are attractive, but I would argue that the personality is much more a turn-on. And while you may want a husband who can 'teach' you and 'lead' you in the path of Islam, you also want someone to learn and grow with. I hope that makes sense.
Sister 4 – looks; height; ability to support me in the style i'm used to (materialism); citizenship.
4.What qualities in yourself, do you wish you worked on before marriage?
Sister 1 - being more patient, being able to compromise more readily, and learning to think about someone other than myself first.
Sister 2 - patience, cooking, learned how to clean better.
Sister 3 - The major characteristic I would have improved is conflict-resolution. It is important to realize that you will differ on small matters, and if you can be prepared to deal with these, then small matters don't become big issues that create distance between you and your husband. Alhamdulillah, I have an understanding husband (who realizes that neither of us are perfect) and we both have learned together how to resolve small matters.
Sister 4 – compromising; patience; communicating better with him.
5.Lastly (just to make this an odd #), what do you miss most about being single?
Sister 1 - (my sanity), I miss the role of being "single", marriage brings on an immense amount of responsibility. You are no longer just "me", you are part of something and it is yours and his responsibility to be a part of that marriage. I miss just thinking about me!!
Sister 2 - not having to iron clothes.
Sister 3 - Since I lived with parents while single, I had many more freedoms being married, so I didn't really miss much (other than my very understanding and loving parents, of course).
Sister 4 – my independence and not having to worry about someone like a husband, the concept of being single.
|06/20/03 at 08:58:26|
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