A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|Top Reason Men Become Good Husbands|
|08/04/03 at 09:26:56|
|Top Reason Men Become Good Husbands |
If you have a wonderful husband or boyfriend, thank his mother. A new study from Ferrum College in Virginia says men who become wonderful partners are often the product of wonderful moms, reports Reuters. The researchers interviewed 33 young couples--some of whom were married and some of whom were dating--and found what they called "significant" correlations between a man's tie to his mother and his partner's satisfaction with the relationship. "If he's very close to his mother he may feel very close to his partner, probably very affectionate," lead researcher Sarah Roberts explained to Reuters. She and her co-author, psychologist Sharon Stein, say that while much research has been done about the parent-child relationship in general, very little is known about the impact the mother-son relationship has on the son's relationship with his girlfriend or wife.
The "Mama's Boy or Lady's Man" study: Each male and female member of the 33 couples completed different questionnaires. The men were asked about their perceived closeness to their moms. The women were asked about their own satisfaction with their romantic relationship.
The results: In general, the men who said they had moms who "understood their needs" also had mates who described them as "affectionate." Men who had a strong love for their mothers tended to date women who described them as not only their lover, but also "their best friend," Reuters reports. And the men who tried hard to "make their mother proud" ranked high in terms of their ability to communicate with their female partner.
Why does this happen? "In traditional homes, the mother is the very first person that the children have (as their) introduction to femininity," Roberts said in an interview with Reuters. "Their mother is, for the male child, their first study of what a woman is. So of course they watch her behaviors, they watch certain things coming from her, and of course are influenced by everything she may teach them." She speculates that in addition to influencing her son to be more open and gentle with other people, she may influence his choice in a mate. "If the mother is very loving, very caring, and displays this to her son, he may be in a position where he's thinking, 'Well, I want a woman like my mother,' or 'I don't want a woman like my mother,'" Roberts explained.
There's just one problem: If the mother is too close--as in, the son perceives her as his best friend--her son was usually labeled "less-than-considerate" by his significant other. "I think it's clear it can go either way," Roberts told Reuters. "There's the question of 'how much is too much?' If he's too close to his mother, might not that be an obstacle for his spouse?" The study findings were presented at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Society.
|Re: Top Reason Men Become Good Husbands|
|08/07/03 at 17:33:57|
I am a mother who wants to leave this world knowing I did all I could for my children to be very successful in marriages, careers, religion. Well, life in general.
|Re: Top Reason Men Become Good Husbands|
|08/08/03 at 01:47:20|
subhanallah! i should consider that in a way to find a potential bro to be my hubby ;) insha Allah.
subhanallah!i'll be mother too insha Allah :-)
|Re: Top Reason Men Become Good Husbands|
|08/08/03 at 04:37:46|
Thought this was an interesting study on parent-children relationships. From Ebony magazine which primarily targets the AfricanAmerican audience, but the discussion seem universal.
Back to back: the truth about mama's boy and daddy's girl.(mothers' influence on offsprings' choices)
Author/s: Lynn Norment
The old adage "like father, like son" needs correcting. More appropriate is "like mother, like son." For the mother-son connection determines to a great extent not only what sons think about themselves but also what they think about women in general. Indeed, wise women have always known that the best way to determine the quality of a man is to evaluate his relationship with his mother. There's nothing new about this. It has been known for centuries that mothers and sons share a special bond. This does not mean, by any means, that mothers love their sons more than their daughters. But the mother-son connection seems to be undergirded by a maternal attachment that is not duplicated elsewhere.
Indeed. The first smile that a baby sees, the first voice that he recognizes, is that of his mother. As he grows older, his mother and her relationships with men -- husband, boyfriend, brother, father and friends -- are the first and most compelling examples of how a man interacts, or should interact, with a female. "Mothers are the first and most constant expression of what a woman is," says Ronn Elmore, Ph.D., a minister, family counselor and author of several books on relationships. "A boy's view of the world is affected by what the mother has demonstrated."
Other family specialists concur. Milano Harden, a Harvard University graduate student who is developing the Fatherhood Initiative, says a recent study that be and colleagues conducted indicates that mothers "in profound ways" affect a boy's development. "It's not so much their psycho-sexual development, but we're talking about the clarification of the son's vocational and educational identities," says Harden. "We often think of identities as having one dimension -- gender. But there is a complexity of identities."
And if the appropriate identity is not nurtured, it will not spring forth. Family therapists say that many of the problems that women have with men can be traced to how men were reared by their mothers. Considering the great number of Black who are born out of wedlock to impoverished, uneducated and often very young women, it is easy to blame societal ills, such as public education and drug-infested neighborhoods. However many negative environmental factors could be neutralized by mothers and parents in general taking steps to steer their sons (and daughters) in a more positive direction.
Family counselors point that sons are affected by the mother's relationships with men and the male role models involved in a young man's life. They emphasize that if a husband is not present in the home, an effort should be made to involved male friends and family members -- grandfathers, uncles, cousins. "It is really important that mothers go out of their way to let their sons see them in loving, respectful and positive relationships with men, whether they be co-workers or just friends," says Dr. Elmore.
The mother's romantic interests also influence how a son eventually will interact with women. "A son feels that what you say about men, you are saying about him," continues Dr. Elmore. "Mothers who constantly idolize men or who constantly put men down are sending the wrong messages and images of the boy about himself," he says. "It is important that a mother do as much as she possibly can to let her son see her engaged in a loving, positive relationship with a man. That's how sons learn how to give love. Mothers can't show that alone... The longer the relationship, the more consistent it is, the more committed the relationship, then the better it is for the son."
Joyce Hamilton Berry, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in the Washington, D.C.-area, says the best way for a mother to teach her son to respect women is by demanding respect herself. "Demand that he carry packages and groceries, that he open doors for you and other women," says Dr. Berry. "Teach him to speak to women with respect and not call them names... If a man loves, respects and reveres his mother, then most likely he will treat his woman the same way. If it's a healthy relationship with his mother, that's good. How much is too much depends on how the mother parents."
However, some mothers are so overprotective the child becomes dependent. Ironically, this depedency negatively affect the son's development. Sometimes they shirk responsibility because they have never bad to be responsible; when made mistakes, mom made excuses. This dependency carries over into the son's relationships with women. "There is the belief that no woman can take care of my son as well as I can," says Dr. Berry. "A mother takes note of how her son's children are cared for, how meals are cooked, how the house is cleaned. She is concerned about her son's welfare. Ideally you are supposed to raise your children to grow up and move out on their own so that they can take care of themselves. Frequently, men will remain dependent on their mothers, and mothers enable this to happen. Mothers don't cut the cord. They become resources for their sons... Some men believe that only their mothers can do it the right way. For instance, they say to their wives, `I want it to taste like mama's fried apples.'"
Some mothers, unwittingly and sometimes unconsciously, try to replace departed husbands with sons. Jawanza Kunjufu, Ph.D., gives a hypothetical situation in which a divorced mother reasons that her 13-to-16-year-old son can help move furniture, repair the car, do most of the physical work around the house. "Some mothers like this arrangement," says Dr. Kunjufu, a noted author who runs a family counseling service in Chicago. "So they encourage the son to remain at home until he is 40. He never has to leave. That's why some males never marry. They can shack with their girlfriends, and when she gets upset and wants to put him out, he can always return home to his mother."
Dr. Kunjufu goes on to say that some mothers make similar mistakes when their sons are even younger. For instance, a single mother might tell her 9-year-old son that he is the man of the house. "It is unfair to put that responsibility on a 9-year-old boy, to tell him he's a man," says Dr. Kunjufu. "Secondly, many boys will believe this, which means that the mother had better not have her boyfriend come over to spend the night because he is the man of the house, and he's not going to like that."
In an effort to have an intimate, loving relationship with their sons, many women, adds Dr. Elmore, mistakenly turn their sons into mother's confidant and pal. "And that is something that works to the disadvantage of the relationship," he says. "It works against the boy developing because it teaches him he is responsible for women rather than he is responsive to women. He feels he has to take away a woman's hurt and pain. When he is an adult and into his own relationships, he pulls away from women, when he is not able to provide that kind of counsel. He feels that if his adult mother is so immature and needy, that tends to form his definition of what women are all about. It results in him having less respect for women."
Counselors also point out that mothers often have a double standard for how they rear and discipline their children. "Some mothers raise their daughters and mother their sons," Dr. Kunjufu explains. "They make their daughters come in early but not their sons. They make their daughters do indoor chores -- washing the dishes, making dinner, sweeping -- things that must be done daily, whereas the sons have the `outdoor' chores -- emptying the garbage, cutting the grass, etc. -- which are done about once a week." He points out that mothers often make daughters study and do homework, whereas they don't press their sons to do the same.
The discrepancy could be due to observations of how the mother and her brothers were reared. Or it could be that the father, if one is present in the home, doesn't want the son involved in domestic chores. It also could be the fear of instilling "feminine qualities" in the son. "Some single mothers feel that if they have their sons do domestic chores and study, it will make them too feminine," says Dr. Kunjufu.
Another reason these counselors give for mothers being overly protective of their sons is that they are trying to shield them from racism. "Historically, this is what mothers had to do, to hide their sons from the White man, "explains Dr. Kunjufu. However, Black women still try to shield their sons. but now from teachers they feel unfairly accuse their sons, from women they feel only want to misuse their sons.
"If you look at how Black boys interact with their teachers, principals, coaches, employers, the police or a judge, no other person treats Black boys like their mothers," says Dr. Kunjufu. "And unfortunately, there are boys who believe that their mother is always going to come to their rescue when other people begin to put pressure on them. And in many cases, the mothers do. " Dr. Kunjufu recalls that once, "while in court, he heard a mother tell the judge, "He didn't mean to kill him." "Even though she knew her son had killed someone, she was still going to protect him," he adds.
That is one reason Dr. Kunjufu, Dr. Elmore and Dr. Berry strongly feel that "tough love" is the only standard that should be used to rear and transform African-American boys into the kind of men that their parents can be proud of, the type of responsible, caring men that Black women say are in short supply.
"Tough love is critical," says Dr. Kunjufu. "And some mothers, unfortunately, do not want to give their sons tough love. I think that God designed the family perfectly with a father and a mother. One [the father] primarily looks at the law, and the other [the mother] looks at grace. But when the law is missing, then unfortunately many times boys get grace only and they begin to take advantage of it. So a single mother has got to understand that with the father not being there, she has to give tough love and lay down the law."
Dr. Elmore adds that mothers should give sons options along with discipline in an effort to teach them decision-making rather than how to passively follow instructions. For instance, it can be made clear that if grades don't improve, then sports and social activities must be curtailed. "You don't want to cut off the freedom to make independent decisions and learn self-management," says Dr. Elmore. "A Black boy who doesn't master self-management ends up in prison with another set of role models."
He also says that with boys, criticism is not as effective as rewarding good behavior. "Behavior that you reward is the behavior that he repeats," says Dr. Elmore. "Approval is a great discipline factor for boys."
Dr. Berry emphasizes that mothers should start early talking to their sons about what is expected of them. She says they should be given responsibilities and taught how to take care of themselves -- how to shop, cook, wash dishes, do laundry, get the car repaired. "Tell them that they are expected to make good grades and go to college," she advises. "Teach them how to get a job, to earn money, and then teach them to manage their money. Let them know they are expected to get their own places, and then take care of themselves rather than depending on someone else to do it."
Another challenge for mothers in particular is encouraging sons to communicate effectively. "It is important for mothers to talk to their boys, but also to listen to what they have to say," says Dr. Elmore. "We tend to let the boys get away with being nonverbal whereas we encourage girls to talk. Listen to the son as though what he is saying is extremely important, even if you disagree. Listen, and then comment and correct, if necessary."
Counselors point out that many mothers have difficulty finding the right balance of love and discipline. "You can't be all discipline and no fun and love, but it can't be all fun and no discipline," Dr. Elmore advises. "Sons notice this balance between strength and softness... If a mother does the job right, what she can expect is the son growing up and away from her, becoming increasingly independent of her. This can be traumatic for a mother, but it means that she did right rather than wrong."
A mama's boy who grows up to be a responsible, caring and committed Black man, one who respects women and makes a contribution to society, is more than enough to make ant mother proud.
She remembers the most inconsequential things, like his bear hugs, his airplane rides, his bike pushes. Nothing earthshaking, just reminiscent clutter that lay dormant in the graveyard of her mind, reincarnated every time she sees another daddy doing the same things with his daughter. But she also remembers more weighty things like how her daddy protected her, how he seemed to know the answer to everything, how he thought no boy was good enough for her and no girl was better than she was, and how he -- sometimes against mama's wishes -- always made sure she had just about everything she wanted, sometimes to the point of spoiling her. These are memories that, whether she realizes it or not, have, and will continue to have, a heavy influence on nearly every aspect of her adult life, from what career she chooses to what type of man she will eventually many, if she ever gets married.
The bond between father and daughter is one of the strongest bonds in the world, in many ways stronger than the bond between a mother and son. She's daddy's girl, the key-holder to his heart. He's her hero, her security blanket, her safety net, her sureness in an unsure world.
When accompanied by a balance of affection, nurturing, discipline and a little indulgence, this bond between daddy and daughter can blossom into a priceless union. For the father, it's his first chance to shape a life. For the daughter, it's her first chance to shape opinions about men. Indeed, Black fathers have time and time again risen to the challenge and played a major role in raising some of the greatest women of our time.
But, unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way. Pull back the curtains on some households and exposed are Black families in which father is siding with daughter, mother is siding with son, father is resentful of son, mother is resentful of daughter, and the mother and father are far away from the lovey-doveytime it was only the two of them.
Experts say faulty parent/child relationships -- ones in which mama's got her boy and daddy's got his girl -- man indeed be the No. 1 cause of marital breakups. While the attachment between mother and son is examined on the opposite page, when it comes to a father/daughter bond, a family meltdown often begins the moment the mother gives birth to a baby girl.
FATHERS find it easy to raise sons. They were once boys themselves. Take out the trash, cut the grass, play sports, get a job after school, date, get out the house, etc. But many times a father doesn't have a clue how to properly raise a daughter.
He knows he wants to protect her, but many times that protection becomes a smothering overprotection. He knows he wants to give her the things that she wants, but many times his trying-to-please mentality turns into overindulgence. He knows he wants her to get married, but he doesn't want her to date because he knows men and he knows their motives. He knows he wants her to have the children, the house, the picket fence. But he also wants her to stay at home with him, be his little girl forever, enjoy his house and his picket fence.
He knows that raising a daughter is probably more complex than his brain is able to comprehend, but he won't let on that he's scared as hell and needs guidance. He sometimes wants to scream "HELP," but he is too proud (and afraid) to ask for any, and too stubborn to take the unsolicited advice he gets. So, in the end, he bumbles around, trying to make his daughter happy, trying to do the right thing. But many times, he does anything but the right thing.
Dr. Julia Hare, a psychologist, author and executive director of the San Francisco-based Black Think Tank, says the result is the classic case of "father's daughter becoming daddy's girl."
AN EXPERT'S ADVICE
DR. HARE believes it is great for a father to cater to his daughter's needs when she is young. But when she approaches puberty, a father should reexamine his relationship with his daughter. Grandmothers used to be the ones who would tackle this delicate situation, all of a sudden one day saying to the daughter who is constantly hanging around the father -- who in turn is in denial that his little girl is growing up -- "You're too old for that now."
Distancing daddy and daughter during her adolescence is deemed necessary because, for many girls, it is a time of self-doubt, a time when they are struggling to find an identity and a purpose. Sometimes having too close a relationship with daddy confuses an already confusing period of their lives. "If not monitored closely," Dr. Hare says, "a daughter can easily begin to think that one of her purposes in life is to seek approval, gifts and affection from her father."
During teenage years, family counselors say, the mother should step to the forefront to comfort her daughter by answering the many questions swirling in her head. Mother should talk to her daughter about feminine things, the facts of life and the birds and bees.
During this time, daddy should demonstrate the love he has for his wife, by letting his daughter see him in affectionate (not romantic) moments with her mother. He takes special care in remembering special holidays, anniversary dates, and celebrates them with his wife and daughter. He does not overindulge his daughter, instead he discusses things with the mother first. And perhaps most importantly, he presents a united front by supporting the mother in the presence of tha daughter. He disciplines his daughter because he realizes that the person who truly loves someone is a disciplinarian.
"This is when the daughter will learn how a male and a female relate to each other," Dr. Hare says. "She will also learn how to choose a man for herself; one who's not going to give her everything she wants, but one who is going to be kind, considerate, loving and stands for what he believes in."
If the father and mother are the right role models, experts say, the daughter will grow into an independent young woman, and the stage will be set for her to enter adulthood.
MAKING OF A DADDY'S GIRL
BUT what happens when the father refuses to let go? "Sometimes a father doesn't understand that at a certain age, he has to push his daughter out of his lap and off his knee," Hare says. "Some father want to hold on to that girl forever, giving her everything and anything that she wants, and centering all of the family activities around the daughter and what she wants to do."
Dr. Hare says as more and more Black mothers enter the work force -- traveling and working late hours in the office, many times leaving daughters at home with fathers -- matters are complicated more. "I have seen more cases in which the mother is absent because of her job, and the daughter starts to take her place in the home," Dr. Hare says. "She starts to cook the father's favorite foods, starts to meet him at the door when he gets off work. Before long mother realizes that her daughter is actually becoming her, even to the point of dressing like her. With the youngness of girls, it's so easy during teenage years for attachment to become fantasy, and for them to get the roles confused, forgetting that they're the daughter, not the wife."
These daughters sometimes begin to pit father against mother -- sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly -- by doing things like giving daddy reports on what the mother has done or asking the father for permission to do something the mother has already said she couldn't do.
The father responds in kind, many times becoming so attached to his daughter that he doesn't even want her to date, much less get married. He fears losing her, and believes no one will take care of precious daughter they way he does.
Experts say such hanging on by the father can create serious social problems later for the daughter, who many times will expect men in her age group to bestow materialism and security on her like her father has done. When the man can't live up to the standard set by her father (and most young men starting out can't), she often times leaves him and returns to the comforts of home, to the delight of her father and the total dismay of her mother, who begins to wonder if the girl will ever move out of the house.
"Many daddy's girls run from marriage to marriage trying to find a father," Dr. Hare says. "Because her father is in the wings telling her that she deserves this and that, she doesn't understand the concept of waiting and growing into things."
Just as the mama's boy tells his new wife, "Mama never cooked sweet potato pies like this. Now you've got to learn how to cook," the daddy's girl is guilty of the same type of thing. "My father never would have had my mother ride the bus," she might say, or: "Be a man. My father always made sure my mother had money to do whatever she wanted to do."
Experts says that many relationships fail because women bring baggage from childhood into the union, either as a result of being the consummate daddy's girl or as a result of not having a daddy around at all. In many cases, anger over the absence of a father is created by single mothers who put down men when talking to their daughters. Instead of telling their daughters that there are good and bad men, these mothers constantly say that all men are "trifling" and "no good," and tell their daughters things like, "You know all men are dogs. You can't trust them. Honey, you better get your education and do for yourself. Don't ever depend on a man. Your father was no good. All men are no good."
The result will be a daughter too stubborn, too sassy, too condescending, too suspicious of men to ever be in a long-term relationship. She assumes that all men are no good. She becomes turned off by all men. She doesn't even care to have them as friends. "If all mothers do is talk down about men, there's no way their daughters are going to grow up and not think the same thing about men," Dr. Hare says. "They will have problems with men because they have unresolved conflicts with them. They have never been able to resolve what it was like to live in a house with a man, and see how a man and women in love relate to each other."
Indeed, fathers (and mothers) have a profound impact on the type of person their daughters become. If parents make it their challenge to raise an open-minded, disciplined daughter -- not a self-centered, spoiled daddy's girl -- they will eventually be able to sit back and enjoy their golden years, alone, cheek-to-cheek like the lovey-dovey time when it was just the two of them. Their cuddling will be interrupted only by an occasional call from their daughter, who is phoning simply to say she's doing well, starting her own life with a man who is just like her father.
|Re: Top Reason Men Become Good Husbands|
|08/08/03 at 13:33:28|
Sister Jannah. I find daily that my children, especially my boys, are discriminated against. To start they are very dark, And then the muslim name they carry is also a reason to find fault with them.
I have noticed that people tend to stigmatize Abdulazziz more than Ibrehim. I have come to realize the name is more Islamic where as ibrehim people tend to call him Abe and therefore giving him a more Christian name.
So the article really helps me to understand some ways I can possible help my children grow and become responsible Muslims in this society we live in.
I like these articles. Jazakalahar sisters.
|Re: Top Reason Men Become Good Husbands|
|08/09/03 at 13:53:21|
|Top Reason Men Become Good Husbands |
- So Mama's Boy is back in fashion :-D
The old adage "like father, like son" needs correcting. More appropriate is "like
mother, like son."
- Thus what we knew in Islamic view point is all useless?
The meaningless research keeps fliping like the current Summer Craze raving in the US.
Like a few years it was obsession with man eating Sharks and this summer its been
propoects killing some heavy mustached father and his two lunactic alread dead sons. The
theories are just malice,they will confuse you more......
They are just research.
Islam is simple enough to suggest if the components of the car is of high quality is good
and the components have good design , then chances of you getting a good quality car or
in this poor allegory a family is high. For muslims the design is if from Allah, not their
culture peevishness. If you are good practising muslim and take some time more than
cleaning your porch and checking your manicure and use it in your Deen, the chances of you
Deen, we will be far better off raising more better muslim kids. Rather than muslim
sounding kinds with all the messy unmentionables.
Lets be good muslims to begin with, the rest of the issues is what in the east we call
"common sense". In the current US society esp. the grandparents role in their
grandchildrens life is Zilch/Nada. Grandparents used to be a place of refuge and love for a small
child, now they are just names in a post card. Mentioned some day in a year, an excuse for
ignoring them for the rest of the year.
The top reason for so many divorces/messy kids/losers in muslim US
|Re: Top Reason Men Become Good Husbands|
|08/09/03 at 23:04:28|
[quote]In the current US society esp. the grandparents role in their
grandchildrens life is Zilch/Nada. [/quote]
Wow... not in my neck of the world. In todays society so many women feel that they have to work. There are millions of grandparents today... becoming parents all over again..to their grandchildren.
I volunteer for a child care agency and there are so many programs covering the grand parents new role as raising their grand children.
Also, as a result of the welfare to work program, parents do not have suitable places to babysit their children, nor can they afford it. I am sure if you look around man many grandparents are the major parent in the child's life.
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board