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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|Dad stories needed|
|11/18/03 at 00:35:58|
|I have a request if I may, my oldest son who just made me a grandma 2 months ago seems to be having some (not sure how to phrase it) bonding or something like that problems. He seems protective with his new daughter but not real maternal/paternal feeling. He seems arkward with holding her for more than 5 minutes, feeding her or dressing her.|
This is his first child and he has not been around infants at all. His wife runs a day care and he is wonderful with the older kids.
I am trying to stress the importance of bonding with his daughter even in this early age. He let me go to her doctors appt today and the doc was real nice and explained to my son the importance of talking, singing and reading to her that at 2 months she is starting to vocalize.
My daughter-in-law is sick so my son and I took the baby to her doctors appt. When she got hungry my son asked me to feed her and I told him NO,
it's your daughter sweetie, she needs her dad to feed her. He did, he seemed a little uneasy and I in a low gentle voice just occationally said (during the feeding) thats it, you got it, you're doing great
and he was, he was just a little uneasy. Not a biggie for a new dad who had not been around infants at all.
If you don't mind my printing your replies and giving it to him, can the brothers on the board who are dads please write a post of encouragement to my son and maybe share how you felt with the first child? Fears, concerns and good times.
Sisters can you please do a post telling about your most youngest and fondest memories about you and your dads? So my son can hear from woman what made a memorable impression of time with your dads.
And can the moms on the boards post what you feel you and other women needed most from your hubbys during the having, nursing and the younger months times with baby.
Hope you all don't think I am being silly. My son and his wife have a very limited social group. Not a bad thing at all, they work, parent and are a mellow clean, nice couple. They keep to themselves except for family and a very few chosen friends.
Thank you for anything you wish to contribute to this post.
This is not the son I posted about before, this is my oldest son. He is almost 26. First time daddy :)
Not only will this be a blessing to give my son some insight but may help new moms and dads and future moms and dads on the boards, especially with all the new Dec weddings. ;)
|11/18/03 at 00:41:48|
|Re: Dad stories needed|
|11/18/03 at 02:30:47|
|Salam Azizah |
Umm I doubt that my hubby and I are model parents but well, we did go through our share of ups and downs in parenting. We learnt a lot along the way and Subhanallah, the journey thus far has been so very beautiful. I will try to share something here and hope that your son, his wife and his lil chica will benefit somewhat.
Throughout my first pregnancy, I was radiant and springing along with happiness cos I was finally having a baby after 4 years of marriage. I was obssessed with details and devour all literature I can get on parenting. We were very particular abt everything like the choosing of name. I want a two syllabic name so we wont shorten it when we call the baby like Victoria becoming Vicky etc. The meaning to the name must be what we desire of the baby and so on and so forth. As my dua date was near, we started becoming reflective and focused more on the developmental part of parenting like making time for baby, making time for each other no matter how busy we were with baby etc.
The day finally arrived and I went through 16 hours of difficult labour. My son was finally delivered via C-section as he refused to come out and had by then eaten his faeces. Despite me battling with extreme low blood pressure and reaction against drugs, I remember crying cos my poor baby had to be admitted to the observation ward to monitor his condition. Throughout my post-delivery observation (cos my blood pressure was still low 60/40) I could faintly hear my husband's voice repeatedly asking if I am alright. There and then I decided on a name that we have been contemplating Abdul Wafi, the servant of God who is sincere and truthful.
After the difficult delivery I was exhausted for days. As I had booked a single bed room my husband was allowed to stay with me and the baby was brought to my room a day later when his condition improved somewhat. I couldn't get up yet and because of that, the very first pooping we witnessed as parents by Wafi was cleaned by my husband. Despite the fact that this was his very first time, he was so gentle and good with Wafi (although he used a mountain of wipes just for a lil poop) and talked to him all the while he was cleaning him. Wafi just stared unseeing at the direction of the voice and a bond was forged. Until today my son has no problem talking to his dad although he is closer to me.
Holding Wafi was a bit tricky cos my hubby told me that he was afraid of hurting the lil fella. That was when I told him something important (he told me he remembers it till today). It is good that you dont want to hurt him physically but its more important for you not to hurt him emotionally and not holding him will deprive him of the emotional nourishment he so needed. After that my husband was carrying Wafi around more and eventually sleep with Wafi in his arms.
I had post-natal depression and remembered feeling that just because I am the mother I am expected to do everything. I was resentful of what I dont know. Watching my husband participate in looking after Wafi like changing his clothes when soiled, cleaning him up, feeding him and trying to burp him, that eased my depression somewhat cos then I knew I wasn't alone. I guess what I badly needed at that point in time was the feeling that the parenting was shared and that I felt.
By the time my daughter arrived, my husband was an old pro at looking after the kids (he is the one who is more insistent that the kids clean behind their ears and at the back of their knees when they shower). Looking at how comfortable the kids are with him, I feel glad for him. Children fill up the vacuum in our hearts and he allowed them to fill up his vacuum because he showed that he wanted them, that he wanted to be their dad.
Dear Cara's son,
Maybe it can feel very overwhelming at times, even scary. Maybe you feel stupid and awkward cos mothers seem to know everything and dad nil. Maybe you feel that you would do something wrong. The only wrong thing you can do is to deprive your lil girl of the chance to feel her daddy's love and warmth. When your mom and dad hug and hold you, it can mean only one thing. That they are here and everything's gonna be okay. My dad hugged me when I was crying and suddenly everything seemed fine. I was 22. The need to love and be loved is universal. You can buy for your lil girl cute clothes and amazing toys but at 2 months, all she needs is for you to pick her up, kiss her and whisper to her that you love her very much. My son and daughter still give me the widest and most beautiful of smiles when I do that.
Your mom is one of the warmest and most caring lady on this Board and being her son, I am sure that warmth and care is instilled deep in you. Take a deep breath, have faith and let them out. You are gonna be a great dad, you'll see.
|11/18/03 at 02:35:48|
|Re: Dad stories needed|
|11/18/03 at 06:43:42|
Here are my memories of the first few days after having Fatima Zohra.
Straight after the birth after I'd fed her and cuddled her for an hour or so I went to take a shower, my mother came with me to help as I was really fragile. The mid-wife said she'd keep an eye on baby. At this point my husband had not actually seen our daughter as he'd been at home in bed, my mother had sent him home saying there was no point everyone having a sleepless night.
When I got back from the shower my husband was holding our baby, he told me later the midwife had told him to pick her up, but he hadn't he was too scared, so she'd made him sit down and had handed Fatima Zohra to him.
My first night at home I'd been utterly exhausted and did not hear my baby cry, when I woke in the morning I was really worried that I hadn't fed my baby in the night, to which my husband went 'Oh she did cry so I fed her' (I so completely loved him for doing that).
The funniest moment I remember was about a week later and my husband had done something to annoy me and I snapped at him, to which my husband turned to Fatima Zohra and said in a theatrical whisper, 'You'll take my side when your bigger won't you.. everyone picks on daddy' :D
I guess my husband did bond very well with Fatima but I think the main reason for this was after two weeks I was rushed to hospital with severe haemorrhaging, and hubby was pretty much left to fend for himself and more importantly for baby too.
It's natural daddy's feel awkward Mummy's have this amazing bonding experience during pregnancy which the fathers can't really share, so it's understandable they get frightend when handed this incredibly delicate looking creature, it's easier to hand baby back to someone else but in the long run if your son perseveres he will be so glad he did.
The second word Fatima learned to say was Abba (means daddy), she's 8 months and still only says Abba no matter how hard I try to get her to say Mama she will just laugh in my face and resoloutely reply abba. Even if I'm feeding her and her dad comes home she'll immediately stop eating look around get really excited and start screaming abba at the top of her lungs, untill her darling daddy comes in and kisses her....
Hope this helps.
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