A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|Just me again|
|02/12/04 at 20:16:59|
The stars dont look like much in the day time.
sometimes I wonder if we really mean as well as we think we do, if we learn the stuff we learn to help others or to impress them. I doubt that I would ever consider the issues I bring up if it werent life or death for me.
Sometimes I think it is hard to focus on what can really be done by any of us bout anyhting because ohter things seem more important.
I sometimes think about the humility of those old grandmothers, the ones who married at twelve and were lucky enough to stay with the same family into their seventies. When they were so normal in the world...
I used to smile so much just chasing my little chickens around, milking the goats, getting to know the weeds of the woods. I learned more there then than I do now at university. I was in a terrible marraige really. It was one where I had decided to pick one person to let abuse me rather than let many take turns. He wasnt muslim and I was still more amnesic than now. We seperated a year before I left. His daughter got pregnant and moved out and I moved into her room. I was alway trying to find the religion that Gramps had discussed with me. I was a;ways finding things that were almost but not quite.
Even though we slept apart he kept hitting me, and not lightly or measuredly. it was almost like wrasling or a test of wills, and I hit him back. One day I dont know why, but I became convinced he was gearing up to kill me, we lived inthe hills and it wasunlikey I would ever be found, so I called to cops, he told them I hit him and they took me away. I was hysterical so I went to the hospital for 21 days I think and then a homeless shelter in down town Nashville. Most of the ladies there turned tricks but I didnt. I was wearing long pants and long sleeves and a hat all the time though it was summer. I started noticing muslims we even had a lady dumped there who was muslim. And ther were muslims at the farmers market. I agreed with them so much but I knew I was restless. Deep in the back of m y mind, though I could barely remember, was my first marraige, I just didnt want to fail at being a married muslim woman again.
Now I realize he (my first) is barely muslim. the things he did were not islamic.
Its just so much food for thought.
When I read the book The Heart of the Quran, I knew, and when I read the Quran I realized I had indeed found the religion of Gramps and everything I myslef truely beleived. I knew that spiritually I was not behind those who had grown up in better physical surroundings or even in the middle east or the sub contenant. But I also know things like transient aphasia and memeory lapses were going to make it hard for me to convince anyone else of this.
I grew up around the university I currently attend. My ex husband teaches here and has three wives here plus "ladies" on the side. One of them is my biological mother (I know, that is haram). My biological father has a very terrible rep here among those who knew him when he was the NELC chair here.
I didnt know all this when I came here hoping to learn to read the Quran almost four years ago.
Hopeing to learn. They offer Arabic, but I no longer think they teach it. what I mean is I have been takeing Arabic every semester but one since I have been here, my teachers have been in this order, My ex husbands wife, my ex husband, my biological mother, and I dont know how any one can be clean and work for this department. I stared emailing my ex husband becuse he was behaving unprofessionally, I didnt remember who he was, but he seemed so familiar. I didnt know at the time, but I was begining to remember my son we had togeater, I could probalby smell him on him to be honest.
Howmany are clear about their memories of when they are six or the feelings they carry from that time?
I was kind of relieved to realize that Iwas having strong maternal feelings only and that I wasnt a hoplessly lost a fallen woman. What woman wouldnt petition the devil himself for a chance to be with her son again? I mean, his father isnt that creepy, atleast on the surface.
That just seems so normal, after such an odd little life to feel something that normal and understandable. All that longing for all those years, my soul mate wasnt a lover, he was my son! But then I still have to think about wha the must have gone though growing up.
Oh well, I came to learn the quran, t oimprove my rendition of the message gramps taught me, in instead, well I have learned some arabic, but not enought to make waht I have payed in money sweat blood and tears worth it, instead I have found my past, for what its worth, and I have found a thing that might be worth aprehending if soieone did that kind of thing.
How many of us think that we know waht we have to offer Allah?
How many of us are open just to suffer whatever for whatever he thinks we are good for?
Ok well that's just me,
|02/18/04 at 12:47:18|
|Re: Just me again|
|02/13/04 at 02:11:46|
What is the point in telling us these stories? How do you relate sad things with a wink? ( ;) )
Yours posts are confusing, and they do not make sense. Nor do you ever answer the questions directly. You beat around the bush.
Im sorry if all this happened to you, but why are you posting it on the internet? Are you trying to start a discussion? Are you trying to raise awareness??
Your stories remind me of books like "The Saudi Princess" or something like that....I can't remember exactly....
|Re: Just me again|
|02/13/04 at 04:33:22|
sister panjul, please let her continue. This is a side of life we never knew existed. It would help sis al-ajnabia. and it certainly humbles me understand to know about this. I had thought myself to be the ultimately knowledgeable wise man. Obviously I am not.
|Re: Just me again|
|02/13/04 at 08:42:03|
isnt the wink and smile tha attiude, the expressionthat I must keep on my face no matter what? Read wht you just said to me again. Isnt that what you are telling me?
Actually I have read those books, but I didnt live with the upper classes in saudi,
the people who did these things had to leave from there to keep doing these things.
the situation in the US facilitates this.
People talk about petitions and demostrations and writng leaders.
This si something real and tangible.
|Re: Just me again|
|02/15/04 at 20:17:59|
Sister, my heart goes out to you. Please ignore other people's remarks. None of us are perfect and we all need mercy and compassion......people who can understand how we feel. We all make mistakes and none of us are perfect. We can't make anyone do anything. Each person is free to say what he or she wishes.
Islam is a beautiful religion. Because Allah assures us of His Mercy and Compassion....to all those who believe in Him and fear Him.
We shouldn't look down on others and think we are better. So I'd say please go ahead and share your experience with us. Tell us how Islam has helped you.
|Re: Just me again|
|02/15/04 at 21:12:04|
Actually I am hopeing at this point to be able to write the final chapter of the public part of this story but it hasnt come about yet. What I am hoping is for a grand finale of epic proportions with a good old fasioned chorus number and an unmasking of the swamp phantom and a real old fasioned potlatch and the Texas ranger getting his man. I wouldnt pass up a curse lifting either. Oh yea, and the old guy in the shaddows steps up and presents the proof of dat ta dat ta da and so on and the hail passes over the crops, but not being much of a fiction writer I have to await the unfolding of events and unfortunately there may be a few more episodes of the Al-ajnabia story yet to unfold before I can write that chapter. But I'll keep ya posted,
|Re: Just me again|
|02/16/04 at 03:34:06|
|as salaamu alaykum,|
Respectfully sister, perhaps you can put all these posts into one thread? and if it is a story, it may be more appropriate to place it in the Shahada bookstore?
|Re: Just me again|
|02/16/04 at 10:17:43|
This is my best attempt at discribing actual events. I dont know if that makes it a "story" per say or not. but it strikes me as interesting that in fiction it is possible to imagine resolution to these kinds of events but as an actual presentation of actuall events concusions are considered unlikley. It is certainly safer to consider this fiction yet is it really? People think they know how good all us Americans haveit and that these kindsof things dot happen to educated ndividuals. It is also hard to comprehend that a problem like this for one person could be there cause of problems for others though they dont know it. People talk about doing things about some of he bad peoplein theworld, even some of the bad big and powerful people, but unless they are actually caught doing something illegal somewhere on earth that wont likely happen. Well here they are, doing something illegal in my life. I'm only putting this out there because I dont have the capacity to bring them in myself. so here it is Big game anyone?
PS. I gotta go now my screen keep freEZING UP.
|Re: Just me again|
|02/16/04 at 14:42:27|
Ok, I completely agree with Se7en. If this is a story then let's put this in the right place the shahada bookstore.
Also this message board is not the place to try and come up with stories that require revisions and edits and get other people's inputs into a story. That's actually a very long process requiring a lot of input and going back forth from different people and would be something more suited for an offline discussion and not the message board.
|Re: Just me again|
|02/16/04 at 15:15:31|
Unfortunately I do not have the capacity to be purely literall at all times and tend to speak in anaogies and metphores and figures of speech. I also forget that many people havent spent enought ime studying literary forms to follow what I'm saying or the point I am making. If I were to tell you what I am doing right now, I would used these literary forms to do so.
This is not a fictitious work. Unfortuantely the poetry of ordinary speech and that many people all over the world use to express themselves seldom trickles into english any more so when a persons normal mode of expression eployes thes antiquated forms they are assumed to be composing fiction.
The part of my brain that was capable of talking down has been damaged, sory if this is presenting credability problems.
They are here if you want them, if you dont want them quit whining. But any way in the plainest speech possible, if the bad guys get caught, ant I will need help causing this to happen, then I will write that but as of now we are up to the present day, so if you are lookingg for the next enstalment of a fictitious work, you can either hlep stop these bad guys or chech out a good mystery novel, though I myself have never been overly fond of that genre.
not a fiction writer.
|02/16/04 at 15:21:43|
|heartless bad guys|
|02/17/04 at 19:20:51|
I'm not sure if this is supposed to go here or were.
I just watched the footage of the bombing outside an Iraqi elementary school, and I think its the look in the principal's (I guess) face when the bomb goes off that got to me.
I had read about the Uzbeki mother and also I was talking today with one of my Uzbek classmates about her government, which she just called bad. You know what else she said, She said she had already heard bad things about our universitys Near eastern department from an Afghani girl when she was in Uzbekistan. The Near Eastern Chair keeps talking to her about the need for revolution in her country, he's saying that he's ethinc Uzbek now (last week he was Afghani, and he is in charge of Arabic language education at our university). I have to keep saying that this is the same guy who's in the world opium trade and the local general drug trade, the same guy who ordered a hit on me in 92.(I still dont know how I dodged that)
I dont have to tell her much though, the Central Eurasian chair wont talk to him and refuses to deal with him and she works for him (Central eurasian him).
I guess I'm rambling, but I go to a university which is considered to be one of the top ten language education centers on earth. To have such a problem in this place has implications world wide.
I think about the people who just seem to want chaos. The us may not leave roses in the outhouse and policies in the past may have helped to create these problems, but these policies were made by people educated under the same circumstances that are still existing in American universites today.
Chaos is good for the black market. Very good. and with cronies in the universities making suggestions to governments in their conferences and journals, warlords become legitimate rulers of emerging nations. :(
If I thought I could run from these people, well actually I did try to a few times, but I know that I cant. So I have to deal with them.
To those who study, study hard, to those who speak, speak well.
|Re: Just me again|
|02/18/04 at 02:20:25|
Recently we've gotten a lot of people writing to us about your posts. Many people are disturbed by what you write. Most don't understand them. Some don't believe them. Some think you should not post them here. Some think you should be banned, etc.
I don't want to do that, and I want you to know you have the support of your Muslim brothers or sisters. But I do have to ask you to refrain from writing things that are very unverifiable like that you were a slave, or that people ordered a hit on you. And to also please post your personal issues in one thread (this one) where people can respond to you individually.
JazakiAllah khairan. May Allah guide us all.
|Re: Just me again|
|02/18/04 at 11:01:08|
Maybe one of the moultiple reasons why I write this stuff is that I see some things and I think "how is that going to help a person throught the deeprst dark?'
Never being allowed to memorize tell tale words that would mark my true religious beliefs, I still had deep principals that prevented me from becoming so deeply comprimised by the evil around me that I could never escape to live out the dictates of my own concience.
For a long time I thought my religious beleifs were just a collection of things and ways of thinking that had been discovered by good people in bad situations and passed down as they were discovered. I was really surprised when I found out that I had it backwards, that this religion had been reveild and ideed was already written down.
Now that this is hidden in the fiction section there is little chance any will see any truth in it.
What point has there been in becoming "educated" or looking into the source materials. When the uneducated way kept me from the worst of evil, that is the bringing of it into my self perminantly and the acceptance of it as the way of the world perminantly.
We believe that Allah will preserve the understanding and message of the Quran and the Sunnah, but dont we also know that not every hadith made it into a collection and that some that did have been lost in writing? Yet the cannot have been dissapeared from the earth entirely so then where are they if they are not in writing?
We are suppopsed to change evil with our hands and if not with our hands then our toungs and if not with our toungs with our hearts. But if we dont know good form evil we are excused form making such descisions and actions.
(I'v just seen a pattern in the news, I know, PC is obligatory these days, I guess "he" was one of many who wrote, "he's" got quite a phone tree too)
What if the only thing you can clearly discern as evil is your own lack of knowledge between it and good? If you know this is true, then you are obligated to act to change that, if you are a Muslim.
How does one avoid becoming "merely a trained fool" and ten times more evil?
If the quran were boiled down into an innoculation against evil that cound be administered to all on earth in a short period of time, what form would it take?
What has happened in the fourteen and a half centuries that it has not covered the globe and why is it still that all hearts are not convinced by it?
I know that just the rumor of it, jsut the impression of it, kept evil from making a perminant home in my heart, and that any wrong I actually did was ignorant,that the wrong needed to stop, but I either didnt know the sin of it or couldnt achieve the stopping of it.
I havent back slid. seriously, since I put a halt to it, it has halted. With no other guidance than my own reading comprehension and the quran.
Whenever I ascertain an ongoing harm I set to stop it.
Is this being something other than a Muslim, if it is, I would like to know what religion I am really following, because it apears to be the most powerful one ever to exist upon the earth, and if I knew what it was really called, maybe Icould get in touch with more of its adherants. '
Salaam, or the equivelant there of,
that durn old ****
|Re: Just me again|
|02/18/04 at 21:27:45|
I posted here yesterday then deleted my post.
I'm posting again to tell my brothers and sisters that, plz ppl arn't we getting a lil inconsiderate ? .... I can't believe anyone can suggest banning her.
Sis alajnabia, we have the same religion and that indeed is Islaam. I think some of us are expecting to read these words written here by you.
"La ila ha illallahu Muhammadur Rasool Allah"
Why would anyone say that s/he is a Muslim if one is not!!
|Re: Just me again|
|02/18/04 at 21:47:44|
|Well, this is my 1st foray into the Shahada bookstore. I guess I should go back under my rock. Ajnabia, those are some interesting points. I just have a need to have both feet on solid ground rather than an ethereal world so I am kinda lost. Well, I had better get back to my literal world.|
|Re: Just me again|
|02/18/04 at 22:52:16|
someone once told me that this uncanny ability of mine to organize people against me is actually a form of charisma, and that one day if I work real hard I may learn to put this ability to good use. I'm still working on it.
where I come from we tend to say ashhadu al la ilaha illa allahi wa ashhadu anna muhammadun abduhu wa rasulhu, (I bear witness that there is no god but God and I bear witness that Muhammad is his servant and messenger) because the opportunities to say it are rare and by saying it this way it increases the likely hood that we will remember to say at least the first two sylables in the face of impending doom. Actully we hear the first two sylables so often that we can change an evil in our hearts and remind ourselves of the shahadda whenever we hear those sylables, since many of us go a whole lifetime whitout ever going anywhere where this is ever said except possibly during military service, and then all any of us can ever say about it is "thats real neat" or "it doesnt really bother me all that much, I dont see what has you all worked up". Actually we have also been known to mispronounce it all togeather jsut so we can pretend we are saying something else. Like once gramps told grandma that he was only telling me about rasslin (wrestling) when she over heard him. I was clueless about why the topic had just changed but I eventually played along anyway.
|Re: Just me again|
|02/25/04 at 21:01:15|
Sometimes the lack of remorse I see in the faces of those who systematicahly well, did...to me, is the most puzling mystery of all things I find myself trying to figure out.
I've remembered that here is a way of speaking of these things that is somewhat understandable. It is called Munchousen syndrom by proxy. It means that I am not exactly the one who is sick, I am the one however who shows the symptoms.
This is how it goes: some deranged individual becomes the care taker of a child or someone, and they get some sort of satisfaction in making that individual sick.
I think sometimes it was supposed ot be punishment or revenge or something.
I started noticing that I never got sick unless I visited my "mom" or my "grandma"
And also that gramps always got sick whenever "mom" visited him.
I just cant figure out how a person can be so sick ???
My prognosis isnt good. People suffering from Munchousens tend to suffer until the death of the Proxy. She's less than 20 years older than me, so I cant look forward to a time when this will end.
I had lunch with "mom" and "grandma"
They wanted to discuss "rassling" and "mom's" "quranic" aches and pains, like I would tell them some fabulous secret if they pretended to understand what I guess they have been reading here. This is kind of funny but the last time "mom" got married, she made sure to have a guy named Wally officiate. Its like they know something that they have overheard but they dont understand a word of it.
"mom" works with a muslim doctor, I can only imagine what kinds of conversations they are having.
Gramps assured me he tried to teach mom, and gramma too, but atleast inmom's case he couldnot make her see the beauty in all of it, she only wanted to hear that Allah forgives everything and everyone, but she refused the beauty of the rest of the sentence, that He also punishes and this is a mercy to the righteous.
And she changed the meaning, she would only believe that He forgives everyone no matter what for ever and ever.
She tried very hard to teach this to me. But I had a near death experience and that really changed everything.
When I was functionally dead for a few minutes Ihad a conversation with Allah.
He told me I didnt deserve hell, but I had jsut barely made Jannah and I would be very disapointed with my place and every one I wished to see there was at a higher level and there would be no interaction, unless they initiated it, and that they were very dissapointed in me, because I had failed in so much of my potential that they were unlikely to visit or even bring me to mind.
He also said though that he could send me to hell just for being such a waste.
So I calmed down like gramps had taught me, realized he wouldnt be talking to me this way if he was planning on leaving me dead, and asked what I had to do to get back on track. He reminded me that I am constantly praying but said lately I had been making him angry because I knew the best way to pray constantly but I was forgetting it, learing to lie constantly instead. Instead of accepting my anger as a sign of righteousness, I was repenting of it. Instead of asking for opportunities to do good deeds I was repenting of teacing people what I had been taught and what I knew, I was praying to forget for real and to become less of a burden on the people who were hurting me so bad, to be less strange. I was repenting of my soul.
Now He knew I was alone, and in a lot of pain,that I was being drugged but didnt know it, that things were hapening at night that I didnt know that were influencing me, but He also knew the strength that He gave me, and He knew that I still remebered what it waslike to use that strength.
I think He gave me another chance,though this had been my sorry state for many years, because of this:
I was living with a lady who carved wood. she had com in to some money and wanted to buy a farm with it. The old couple who had the farm for sale knew who I had once been, they refused to go farther with the sale unless the old lady could talk to me alone. she said to me "Do they intend to grow pot here?" I said that I didnt think so that they were utopians of a sort and wanted a free spirit santuary.
She shook her head, disbelieving, and explained to me what I sould have figured out for myself, but hadnt thought tha deep about. She said that people buy land in communities like this one to bust up those communites, to drive down the quality of life till the people just move away, then they buy the land and grow a lot of pot ther, they buy off the cops and law and order goes away, "accidents" increase though murder dissapears, and that this is a real evil that is intrinsic to that "little old weed that never hurt anyone." Well, I didnt beleive her, but she asked me if I believed in judgement day, and she didnt ask me like some church lady, she asked me like the way Gramps would talk about it, She firmly planted the last drop of beauty in my mind right there in the front of my mind fully visualized, then she asked me again about growing pot. I didnt beleive that they planned to grow fields ofthe stuff, but I knew that from time to time atleast here would always be a plant or two growing and that the fram would serve as a place for transinet people of that culture to stay till they got themsleves established, so I said that. She did not sell the farm to that lady.
So she went to tennesse instead, and I went too. And it is in Tennessee that I was laying there dead on the kitchen floor, in the kitchen of a pot growers shack in the middle of a vast black hole in america where the law doesnt go.
The old people were always telling me that I had done a major good deed, but for a long time I did not know what they meant. They told me that since I would not be staying in the US that they felt they should pay me back in a way that I could take with me, so I asked for information, family history, and about all that stuff that gramps used to talk about, and really just anything they wanted to tell me. They said good choice, and set to straightening me back out, and when the time came they got me out of there alive, which is no mean feat, and got me back to university, which is not something they do for a lot of people.
When people try to tell me that my islam isnt real, my history is a farce, my people dont exist, I have to consider them fools.
My type is the glory type of Islam, it is a thin but strong thread, I dont recomened it for anybody but those in terrible circumtances where more regular islam never reaches. I'm trying to get into the places where regular islam is, and blend more into it, but its hard to explain to people how I can know more about fiqh than of practice, that I can recite hadith whitout even knoing it, but I cant always remeber to say salaam rather than hi, or even just to nod. But I also have a hard time explaining to people that I need a very undrestanding and knowledgable teacher in every little thing, that I wont do anything I dont fully undrestand unless under the guidace of someone I fully trust. I dont live in a community where that is available, but I do find some good books at the library sometimes.
And this is what makes this all so much harder, but possibly easier in the future, I need somone who understands from what is know of my past that I was walking trough fire and barely getting burned in my soul because of absolute obediance, that I retained a functioning and recoverable soul due to this obediance. The evil couldnot be avoided, and though I may have put on a good show of being lazy at times, I was holding back for my escape. My Islam has a lot to offer regular islam, but it isnt the group practice type, but it sould not be forgotten.
Well, I'm typed out,
|twenty million dollars|
|03/04/04 at 20:04:27|
Time for an update.
The other night the cops pull over a pickup truck because the temporary plates are covered by a garbage bag full or stuff, so they get it pulled over and the truck reeks and they look in the back and what do they find? over 900lbs of comercially processed "mary jane". One thing leads to another and they end up busting a buch of folks afiliated with a hells angels group in Canada that was trafficing through this state and it is estimated that just these folks they caught were responsible for funneling twenty million dollars into the local economy.
What does this have to do with the price of beans? Is that what you are asking?
Well, the stuff I've been going through can only be at this extreem that I have been going through it at because there is a lot of cash in the works. I can only always be very happy to hear of thier financial misfortunes.
In this college town where I hear about how harmless pot is all the time, I like to say, if it were legal I might almost agree, but as a cash crop on the black market it funds some really messed up stuff and some really messed up people.
I mean I dont actually well I dont know, I see two options, legalize, or get some serious and invasive law enforcement going on. I tend to lean towards serious law enforcement, especially since when ever they disrupt a twenty million dollar pay off, some seemingly mainstream people end up not making their morgage payments and those who have suffered and held out against lawlessness get a little more breathing room, where as legalizing ends the chance of vengance prior to judgement day.
And twenty million dollars isnt the whole enchilada by a long shot.
But just think of what the world might be like for a few minutes, that is before the vacum fills, if this source of funding for bad guys would just go away.
A lot of people see the world as coming up on the last days, because of allthis lawlessness, which can only go on as long as its resources continue to flow to it, but if that flow could be shut off,the world might not have to die of cancer after all, Judgement day might get put off for ten thousand years.
I mean, yea its coming suddenly and yea its coming soon, but my idea of soon isnt usually more than fourteen centuries, so maybe were thinking in Allah's soon which could be 100,000 years for all we know. Isnt it better for us if it is later rather than sooner?
I'm not saying not to prepare, but what if in preparing for the judgement we all managed instead to postpone it indefenately to a time when people really no longer have any clue at all what you mean when it is said to them "prepare for the day of Judgement"
I guess I could go into details, why I think this bust is so impotant for believers, I mean when such a large cartel operates in your total life, every aspect of it, no matter where you go, you make associations about it, because it becomes the face of evil in your world, and when I read in the Quran or other places about evil, this is what I visualize, so to me,the news of these busts, its like someone just kicked the devil in the nevermind, and all I can do is pray taht these kicks keep coming hard and fast in with increasing frequency until this face of the devil is no more and we can move on to learing how to deal with his other faces.
Imagine how many fat christmases twenty million dollars buys
|Re: Just me again|
|04/02/04 at 22:25:58|
| [slm] |
I've not been writing on this thread for a while, mostly I try to shut this stuff out when I can, and I realize that darkness this deep need a lot of help from Allah taala, yet we can pitch in, and get good deeds and blessings for stoping an evil.
This week was islam awareness week here and a lot of muslims form other comunities came to give talks, so I went to all of them, hijabed, niqabed, jilbabed, and I made a point of trying to speak with each speaker.
the first was about Islamic belief and worship. the questions at the end trued toward hadith and fiqh, and I made a point to speak up if I knew and to not speak if I didnt.
the second was about the mid east and was actually not part of islam awareness week but this was a speakeer who worked with and advised the government.
the third was a panel on hijab
The fourth was on scientific miracles of the quran.
At each lecture, the speaker or chair asked about me and at every place a point was made to tell them "she's not a real muslim". These were speakers form chicago, detroit, indianapolis, all seemed to know me from the board (hi) including the government guy who also seemed to know other things I havent published.
It was like at the hijab panel, six women in tight sweaters or defining clothing and scarves were explaining that the niqabi in the back wasnt really muslim.
I even saw a professor get in on the act tonight, explaining about me, Ididnt speak to that speaker, he didnt go back to taking me seriously fast enough, but I dont think he really bought waht he was told and He saw the bad guy who is causing me so much of this trouble, the criminally insane one sitting behind me.
I've read through my past witing, it is a remembering in progress. some things, well, I cant revise them,the truth is still classified, but atleast I know more of it now. Its undrestandable to be confused about events that hapened when aI was so young and how they relate to now. There is physical eveidence that cant be denyed, but so much else has changed in what I know about.
Somethings I thought happened, well turns out nobody had that kind of a death wish, but they wanted me to think that they did.
But Im in real danger. I understand more Arabic than I let on and tonight it payed off. I came close to being raped tonight. the former instuctor who troubled me before is turned on by my niqab. Somone blew something that smelled minty at me and I began to feel groggy, I felt kind of drunk before I got on the bus, and I refused to take a ride from a turkish girl who offered, he uses them to help him do things. What I do know now is he was never my husband, I was right before when I thought he was the one who maried my biological mother and adopted me.
you wanna know why he did that?
He was raising me conservative to sell for a high dowry, its men like him wh made the saudis cap the mahr because of girls like me.
But he didnt know it was me, and he was aranging, maybe still is aranging a sale to a "collector", because of my unique resliance. Yikes thousands of times over.
and the pay off is so high, he can employ others to help him.
I'm scared to death, but hey what else is new?
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