A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|03/30/04 at 15:26:09|
Okay so a female friend of mine asked me this question which I thought would be an interesting discussion.
Say there's a girl, and she likes this guy, and she wants to MARRY him, but he doesn't know she exists (sigh...oblivious men), and she doesn't know him THROUGH anyone. This sister in particular is a convert, and the guy in question is Pakistani. Now, he's not one of those super duper religious types (i.e. no beard), but he prays (as observed, lol), and seems to be a polite person with good manners, etc..
Basically, my question is (a) for the brothers...what is your opinion on being approached by a girl (or an army of her friends)? and (b) for the sisters, what is your opinion on approaching a guy (with an army of your friends)? and (c) what is the best way to do this (probably minus an army, but you get the point)?
I've spoken to him once, and since then he always says "salaam", but I have a feeling he's very culturally inclined (once again, he's Pakistani), so I'm really reluctant to walk up to him and ask him directly. He might just freak out and never show his face on campus again (pretty shy kid). If he was super duper religious, then it might have been easier. Or if he was not so culturally inclined, it might have been easier. But it would be like some random guy walking up to me and asking me if I want to marry him...I'd think it was suspiciously rude of him. It's totally different for people who are immersed in the MSA culture, because these people are focused locally. But even for this brother, his parents live in the Middle East, and I can COMPLETELY relate to their mindset.
|03/30/04 at 16:42:06|
Well it seems they don’t know well each other well
so 8br> . I think she doesn’t have to tell him how much she is interested in him to marry her at this level since she needs time because it sounds a negative respond to her desire might hurt her because if she has so far may be just random fond
the matter of beard I guess is not such a big deal to make it an obstacle for marriage and at the same time is no a base she can build her future that every beard muslem is perfect and kind
There are many other factors as a muslem supposed not to be in his life
Such as drugs., gambling, etc in addition to her own personally recommended attributes this Guy has to possess
If she finds in him most of what she wishes on a husband ?
She can ask him just to know his opinion and reaction but this shouldn’t be taken as a final decision even from her side because she might need direct questions to judge through it if he is the right choise or not
I would say more about this but sorry I have to go now ;)
|03/31/04 at 16:52:37|
"Culturally inclined"? Is this a PC term for culturally challenged? Lol, can't you just say that he is a complete FOB!
Frankly, you are describing a situation but asking for a general answer when it really should be a specific one.Here is my list of facts:[list][*]Poor lad is a bit mousy, typical of mid-east based desis. He would NOT marry on his own accord and loathes to go against his parent's wishes.[*]Young lady is having a crush. I guess she is an undergrad, right? Plus, why would she be interested in someone whom she barely knows?[*]Its always a good idea to marry across cultures.[*]Approach the brother through an older, respected brother.[/list]
|03/31/04 at 16:53:04|
|03/31/04 at 17:48:31|
here's my 2 pesos..
i don't think the sister should directly approach him.. it never works.. for some reason guys have this thing where they want to do the pursuing... i know they'll say 'of course they would like it, they'd be flattered' but that's just bs..
the best way is to find out who his friends are or who he hangs out with and ask one of them to suggest her and if he's interested he can pursue it from there
[quote]a) for the brothers...what is your opinion on being approached by a girl (or an army of her friends)? and (b) for the sisters, what is your opinion on approaching a guy (with an army of your friends)? and (c) what is the best way to do this (probably minus an army, but you get the point)?
|03/31/04 at 18:05:53|
I agree with sis jannah. A situation wherein a sister directly or indirectly approaches a man does not usually work out well. Culture plays a big role here. I know of very very religious brothers who were "informed" by a third party about a sister being interested in marrying them, and they were just turned off. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt the sisters.
This is a real problem for revert sisters since they don't have the auntie network that most of us have. But, I would suggest that the sister in question to reconsider her situation, especially as you said that the brother would most likely be expected to marry someone from his own culture.
|03/31/04 at 18:06:28|
|03/31/04 at 23:45:35|
The guy doesn't need to be told that the sister is interested in him. The middle guy can tell the proposee (lol) about this nice revert sister who wants to get married and how he (the proposee) is the perfect candidate. The proposee also needs some encouragement from the middle guy about marriage in general and what ailments it cures and prevents. The middle guy needs to do some hard work IMO, but its absolutely doable.
|03/31/04 at 23:47:23|
|04/02/04 at 03:27:41|
"Have your Momma call my Momma and we'll do lunch." :P
But since she's a convert, hmm....one word still...Momma.
Maybe she has a girl freind who has a mother that knows his mother. :(
Sorry, I'm no help.
|04/02/04 at 03:30:24|
|04/03/04 at 03:25:19|
Here is my 2 Rupees, if the guy is an FOB, don't even waste time by trying to think of ways to approach him. You have to approach his parents/uncles/aunts etc. No less.
You don't really need to take the above advice seriously, do the thing thats right for the particular circumstance ;-)
|04/05/04 at 02:39:00|
|[slm] erm...what if he is ALREADY married to someone who is waiting for him in Pakistan?|
|04/08/04 at 10:42:15|
|Say there's a girl, and she likes this guy, and she wants to MARRY him, but he doesn't know she exists (sigh...oblivious men), and she doesn't know him THROUGH anyone. |
I know this is a dumb question on my part, but how can you want to marry someone if you do not know them and they do not know you? I can see an interest to see if this person is worth pursuing, but marriage without knowing any personal history? Maybe i am missing a cultural or religious aspect here. if so sorry for my ignorance. As a guy I would be kinda freaked out if I found out someone I do not know wants to marry me.
|04/08/04 at 13:22:00|
Point taken mike. But how would you get to know the person if no one ever shows any interest in you? Or would you have to make the first move? And if so, may be she feels the same way you do about being approached. You gotta start somewhere, but surely not at your own wedding.
I can't make the first move. I geuss I'm old tradition and would like the guy to make the first move, ask one of my family members or freinds about me. Once I know you're interested in me then I'll have the same person respond back to you by writing me a letter. We can then get the ball rolling.
Or ask me personally. I'll probably turn red in the face, and chicken away. But I'd still have to know you first before I make that big decision.
|04/08/04 at 16:07:33|
| [slm] warahmatullah|
[quote] Maybe i am missing a cultural or religious aspect here. if so sorry for my ignorance. As a guy I would be kinda freaked out if I found out someone I do not know wants to marry me. [/quote]
I agree with Mike. I would find it strange if someone whom I do not know and who doesn't know me, would wanna marry me. So, I guess what U feel, trancends cultural/religious bounds :)
Maybe, in this case, the sister has an interest to find out more abt him in view of marriage. That is certainly less freaky.
But if she doesn't know much abt him to begin with - then, what is the attracting factor for her to want to consider him for marriage?
JustOne, I'd suggest that your friend review on why she would like to pursue with things bearing in mind the potential challenges and be clear on why she selects him. And know that its just not another crush, or a misplaced enthusiasm to be married.
All the best from Allah.
|04/08/04 at 16:16:50|
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board