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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|05/01/05 at 23:42:17|
Hi all, you probably know me from before. I just wanted to post something I have trouble with in my life. I think it cannot be solved but wondering if you guys can help?
I know it's haraam, and I do have a g/f. (ducks head!) The thing is, I don't want to break up with her - the reason for this is because I need her help. She is my bestfriend and study friend. I'm not that great in academics without her. I wish I had listened to what Allah hath taught. I'm dumb. I shouldn't have gotten into this mess in the first place and now I have no idea how to resolve it. How can I leave her without hurting her? If I leave.. oh I don't know. She'll be in my classes knowing that I hurt her. In fact, she's in almost all of my classes next year! What am I to do?! What am I to do?! I wish I was like before, no girlfriend, kept praying, praying the nafl prayers, and even bowing my head down asking for forgiveness when I did wrong. But I think I have messed it up. I want to retain it and get it back - but it seems there is no possible way. Why hadn't I listened to Allah?! WHY?!
|05/02/05 at 08:13:03|
Speaking from the perspective of one who dated and was dumped once or twice, pre Muslim days.
We get over it. We find someone else eventually. It hurts, we cry, we see you and look longingly at you. We will try to get you back, by dressing more seductively, calling you, or having our friends inquire.
The best advice is to just stop. explain why...most people need closure. If it is for religious reasons, if she is Muslim, she will hate it, but eventually understand. If she isn't, she will just know she doesn't understand and may try to make you understand your ways are "backward."
So think of it as a bandaid. Just pull it off quickly! it is going to hurt, but not so much as a long painful "peel a little off at a time."
Now for you and your sanity. Ya gotta stop. I have seen too many Muslims, wracked for the rest of their lives, because of fornication.
|05/02/05 at 09:07:35|
What sr. Kathy said....and if you do break up, then give her a Qur'an and tell her that your main reason is in it. Do some Da'wa to rectify your wrongs...bup do it after you make Isthighfar.
|05/02/05 at 09:08:08|
|05/02/05 at 09:08:34|
bro, i hear ur pain, attending an islamic school, sad but true, heaps and heaps of girls and guys are having haram relationships.
the only way to get back on the path that u previously were on, is 'simply' to go back to it
alhumdulillah, i have no knowledge, but inshaAllah Allah swt guides those who seek
u mentioned u wished u were how u used to; no g/f, praying + praying nafl prayers
u havent stopped praying have u??
this girl may help u in ur studies, but ultimately Allah (swt) is the only provider of help
i know its easier said than done, but inshaAllah this girl will eventually understand
remember the tests in this life??
hope it helps
|05/02/05 at 09:10:33|
ps. i posted i minute after muslim posted!!
|05/02/05 at 09:11:25|
|[slm] [quote author=Medo link=board=madrasa;num=1115005337;start=0#0 date=05/01/05 at 23:42:17] I know it's haraam, and I do have a g/f. (ducks head!) The thing is, I don't want to break up with her - the reason for this is because I need her help. She is my bestfriend and study friend ... [/quote]|
well, it is haraam, and you do want to break up with her, or else you wouldn't be coming up wiht this problem on this board. So, take sis Kathy's advice.
[quote]and even bowing my head down asking for forgiveness when I did wrong. But I think I have messed it up. I want to retain it and get it back - but it seems there is no possible way. Why hadn't I listened to Allah?! WHY?! [/quote]
Messing things up is what we humans are good at. When you could bow your head asking forgiveness, why can't you do that now? Allah said something like if we didn't commit sins and ask forgiveness, He would create a new race of people who do that. So, ask for forgiveness. That is the way. :)
|05/02/05 at 12:51:43|
Sure, she helped u with ur studies, but it was only because of Allah's infinite mercy, that you were helped in the first place.
End it, and inshaAllah u will see doors opening in places u never thought possible.
|05/02/05 at 13:07:28|
Medo, i see what dilemma you are going through now. And, i too would like to agree with what safa said about you being helped only because of Allah's infinite mercy upon you.
Would you prefer hurting that 'girlfriend' of yours or would you prefer going against the Will of Almighty Allah?
Although it may seem tough at first, believe me, both of you shall get over it.
And come to think of it, it wasn't legal in the first place, was it?
So why cry over a mistake you committed, and are now regretting?
I see from your post that you are quite determined to leave her. Brother, have the heart, and make the move.
Insha-Allah you will be rewarded by Allah Subhana Wa Ta`la.
Always remember, however far you have gone on a wrong path, turn back!
|05/02/05 at 13:09:48|
|my 2 cts|
|05/04/05 at 09:36:27|
If you are comfortable enough with this person, as you obviously are, talk to her and make it a mutual decision to call it quits, yes it'll hurt both of you, but you will both act like adults and make the right decision. If you tell her, and you both agree, that your relationship is Haram, that you do not know what you will tell Allah when He calls your name on Yawm Al Qiyama asks you why you knowingly were in a Haram relationship, that you are scared to death of Allah and ashamed of Him, and that you plan to marry her as soon as you can but in the meantime that you will be talking to her in a strictly "professional".
Remember this: When you give up something for Allah, Allah will give you something much better in its place (this is based on a hadeeth).
As for your studies, I am SURE you can find male friends to study with, or just get really serious and start studying on your own :) It's just not a valid excuse! :)
|Why oh why oh why......|
|05/04/05 at 13:27:46|
Bro did you know that if you admit to the crime, you will have to do the time? If I remember correctly, you should receive about 100 lashes. Quickly, someone got a wip?
I don’t know about you, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you are sincere about your repentance so here’s what I propose….marry her and make it legal….unless you were just playing around and don’t want to anymore then…..too bad….marry her and make her legal to you anyways.
If she says no or she’s not ready then…you’re off the hook. If she says yes, then congrats and all is good.
Yes, you should’ve listened to Allah (SWT) but we are human and He (SWT) created us with free-will so there you have it. You can make it right or you can make it right. You choose your path and shame on you and HER! You’re lucky though, you still have time to straighten your path. Do it before it’s too late. Before JUDGMENT DAY!!!!
PS…ever heard of male tutors? Heh heh heh….
Allah (SWT) bless….
|05/19/05 at 21:37:02|
I can finally say... it's over. But now that it is..
My heart is ailing, swelling... and tears fall down my cheek.
|05/20/05 at 13:16:49|
|as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,|
medo, I can't tell you how moved I am by your post. subhan'Allah! it really takes *a lot* of strength to do what you did.
for most people.. (for me anyway).. when we're going in the wrong direction, we usually don't turn around until we have to :) we're just so confident that we're going in the right direction; or we may even *know* we're going in the wrong direction, but don't want to admit it.. and we only turn around when we run out of gas or the road ends.
but for you -- you are someone who recognized you were going down the wrong road, and you took the next exit to get back on track. and that takes a lot!
It shows a lot of sincerity in your deen. And it takes a lot of courage to break away from something that made you happy and that you benefitted from solely for His sake.
you should know the secret sweetness hidden in the bitterness of sacrifice: Allah promises us that when we sacrifice something for Him, He will replace it with something better.
May He, for whose sake you sacrificed, replace your loss with something infinitely better. may He, azza wa jal, instill in your heart steadfastness and keep you in a state of intense sincerity to Him, and by so doing, allow your faith to soar.
my advice -- no matter what, don't go back! you've taken the exit, now you have to get on the right highway :)
|05/20/05 at 13:23:49|
|05/20/05 at 17:12:20|
What are you crying for? What? You miss her or something? Are you a Romantic or something? Please! Crying isn’t going to mend her broken heart nor is it going to help mend yours. It’s not like you got her pregnant or you took her virginity. It’s not like she loved you or you loved her right? So there’s no reason for you to cry over this. You don’t need to cry.
And I don’t understand why you guys seem so forgiving. If I was in that girl’s shoes and I was a Muslim in love with him, I’d hate him forever because I would not understand why he did not propose then I’d probably forgive him after I got married to a GOOD husband. If I was a non-Muslim girl and he used religion as the excuse which it is, then I’d hate him and his religion forever period.
Now I can understand that if the situation only involved himself like he knew he did something bad like steal, lie, or cheat or all and wanting to repent and finally found his way back, but he played with someone’s heart and probably faith too here. Nobody likes to be used (taken advantage of) or feel that way. What did you just do Bro?
It is not my place to forgive nor is it to judge, it’s not my job. This is between you and Allah (SWT). I’m just asking what you’re asking…..Why? So suck up your tears and don’t forget what you did wrong.
I really do hope that both of your hearts and faith mend, sincerely. But crying is just a waste of time Bro. All the times you’ve spent crying, you could be doing some kind of charity like give a smile to someone. Something that really counts towards your repentance.
Because if I was a non-Muslim then I’d probably do some research on his religion and probably convert myself. You never know.
Allah (SWT) bless….
|06/02/05 at 13:58:23|
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,
I think we can have a little bit of mercy on the brother.
A'isha, the wife of Rasulullah [saw] reported him as saying:
Kindness is not to be found in anything but that it adds to its beauty
and it is not withdrawn from anything but it makes it defective.
|the pain is resulting from u having done right|
|06/04/05 at 15:02:51|
I've only seen this thread today, and bro, I have to congratulate u. What u did in posting ur issue on here, as well as breaking things off, is nothing short of courageous. It's not easy to confess things that we don't particularly want ppl to know about us, either because we fear their reactions (condemnations), or sometimes we feel too ashamed to state something. SubhanAllaah u found the courage to ask for help on a public forum, which shows how serious and desperate you were about the situation and about wanting to do something about it.
None of us have the right to judge any others, and for all we know, some of our own sins, even if we believe them to be small, may well be bigger and more severe than we think them to be. What u did is between you and Allaah alone, and what you have done, is also between you and Allaah alone. But the fact is that you were unahppy with your previous situation and you knew that islamically it wasn't correct and perhaps, that it was even harming you islamically. BUt you've now taken the step to remedy that.
The only reason that girl was able to help you was because Allaah had Placed that ability in her and Allaah had Willed her to do so. So, jus like everything in this life, all the help you received from her was actually due to Allaah, so her help was actually *from* Allaah.
Now that you have given her up, pray to Allaah that He continues to Help you and make things easier for you, both in this world and in the next. The pain you're feeling is because you're experiencing a loss, you obviously had grown attached to that girl/developed a bond/connected somehow with her. It's natural, but yes, painful. But the thing is, the reason you're feeling this pain at all is because now you've finally done something about the situation, which you knew wasn't right in the first place, and that's why you asked for help on here.
Take comfort in the fact that you've come away from a path that wasn't good for your deen. Pray to Allaah to continue to Provide you with the help that you're seeking, even with your studies, and to strengthen you, and to ease your pain. Ultimately, you know you've now done the right thing, and the pain is only temporary and worth it for *correcting* a situation you knew wasn't right, so try and not be too sad about what's happened.
Wishing you peace,
|06/04/05 at 15:04:06|
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