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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|Domestic violence of pregnant women?|
|05/14/05 at 15:35:26|
|Salams i am so angry today, one of my cousins got beat up violently by her |
husband and no one did anything to stop it. In laws were all witnesses but did not intervene,
my cousin is a sweet innnocent girl, there was no reason for the beating....just negative
influence form brother in law who instigated beating just to show women there place.
whats worse this girl is PREGNANT, if the husband turned into an animal why did motehr in law
not stop it she knew her daughter in law was pregnant......to top it all off she was not
allowed to get medical help for her unborn child and other bruises she obtained on her
why do men beat their wives??? i was living with the idea men are more protective of
there wives when they are carrying their child!!!
please everyone who reads this pray her
|05/14/05 at 16:07:15|
|05/14/05 at 15:58:34|
not sure why you wanted this placed in here. it's not fair to blame all men for the few that are completely psychologically messed up.
anyway you must impress upon your family members that the girl is in grave danger and if they don't care about the girl make sure they know that the baby is in danger. you can pray for her and we will as well, but it is your responsibility to get help for her. she does need medical help as well as intervention from her abusive husband.
women who are being beaten are ESPECIALLY in danger when they are pregnant. there is some kind of known effect of this. either its jealousy or control or something, but there are so many cases of women being killed/beaten worse when they are pregnant.. ie remember lacy petersen? so please get her help and think of the unborn child. may Allah help them both
|please think about this..|
|05/14/05 at 16:05:41|
here are some things i found so that we can impress upon you the importance of getting help for her:
Homicide Most Common Cause of Death Among Pregnant Women
What Do These Women Have in Common?
April Greer. Evelyn Hernandez. Lori Hacking. Carol Stuart. Laci Peterson.
What do all of these women have in common?
They were all pregnant when they were murdered.
A 2001 study by the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that homicide was the most common cause of death among pregnant women in Maryland. This study is easily extrapolated to the rest of the United States, and this number is probably higher in reality because only 17 states and New York City list on death certificates whether or not a woman was pregnant at the time of death. This study was undertaken to categorize the major health risks associated with pregnancy. The results were a surprise to researchers.
But not to women's advocates.
And who are these killers? Foreign terrorists? Domestic terrorists? Mad slashers from teenage horror movies? A stranger hiding in the bushes?
The killers are most often fathers of the child; the boyfriend or husband of the victim; the guy next door. Women's advocates know that the main reason men abuse women is control. And in pregnancy, many men feel that they have totally lost control over the body of their wives or girlfriends and lost control over the course of their own lives. Sadly, in many of these cases the families of the murdered women didn't even know there was a problem in the marriage, because of the shame that abused women feel. Domestic abuse remains a big secret because of this shame, and all too often situations escalate until murder occurs.
Most women stay with their batterers because they hope things will improve. Unfortunately, the situation almost always gets worse. The violence becomes more frequent, and the level of force increases over time. The only way to break the cycle of violence is to get away.
In Why Do Women Return? I highlighted the obstacles that battered women face when they try to escape before they are killed. In this article, I'll give you ideas on how to overcome those obstacles.
The majority of reasons that battered women return to their batteres are due to basic economic necessities:
* A place to live
* Medical care
* Child care
Until society helps meet these needs, battered women will find it very difficult to escape their abusers.
If you need to escape an abusive situation, your best resource is your local Women's Shelter. That name and phone number will be listed in the front of your local phone book, or you can find it at the link just mentioned. You can also call Information or the police to find a shelter or crisis center in your area.
Each state has different resources and different laws, so talking to an expert at the shelter or crisis center is the best way to find help available in your area. These resources are there to help you, so don't hesitate to ask for help.
Ask if there are women's shelters in your area, or if transitional housing is available. Even if you don't intend to leave when you talk to these experts, just learn about the help available to you and come up with a plan for the future.
Ask the advocates about the shelters. Are they nearby? Are they full? If you have a teenage son, are there provisions to help him too? Talk over the details of your situation and explore your options. If your medical insurance is in your batterer's name, what are the alternatives in your state? Are there educational grants for battered women? What about internship or jobs programs? Are there government child care centers or job training programs?
If the shelters are full or there aren't any available, think about alternatives. You will need a safe place to stay so you can get back on your feet. The length of stay will depend on your emotional and financial needs. If your parents or a sibling would welcome you into their home, in many ways that is better than a shelter. You will be back among people who love you; you will be back in a ready-made support system. But remember that you will probably still need the services of the crisis center for support groups, help with court systems and restraining orders, and other forms of emotional and physical healing.
Often, the batterer has worked very hard to isolate his victim. He has insulted her friends, driven off her family, and made life unpleasant for anyone who can give her support.
If you are in that type of situation, don't despair. It may feel like you have no friends, but that is not the case. The friends and family members he has driven off still love you. Even if you defended him or told them to mind their own business, they know this situation is his fault. They still think about you. They wish there was something they could do. If you called them, they would be relieved and delighted to help you. It's difficult to reach out for help. The shame you may feel can be overwhelming. But your friends and family would much rather have you safe and alive.
It's very difficult to leave an abuser. But there are people and organizations out there that can help you. Start with a phone call to a hotline. Talk about your options. Your call can be totally anonymous. Learn about the powerful friends you have in law enforcement, the courts, the medical system. Like any tool, you have to know what the system can do for you. Discuss your situation with an expert at a crisis center. They will be happy to work with you to develop a safety plan.
And if you are a friend or family member of a woman whose husband has tried to isolate her, take the first step yourself and call her. Ask if she is safe. Remind her that you care about her and only want the best for her. This simple action may save a life.
|05/14/05 at 16:07:40|
|Statistics About Domestic Abuse|
DID YOU KNOW THAT:
Approximately 95% of the victims of domestic violence are women.
(Department of Justice figures)
Every 9 seconds in the United States a woman is assaulted and beaten.
4,000,000 women a year are assaulted by their partners.
In the United States, a woman is more likely to be assaulted, injured, raped, or killed by a male partner than by any other type of assailant.
Every day, 4 women are murdered by boyfriends or husbands.
Prison terms for killing husbands are twice as long as for killing wives.
93% of women who killed their mates had been battered by them. 67% killed them to protect themselves and their children at the moment of murder.
25% of all crime is wife assault.
70% of men who batter their partners either sexually or physically abuse their children.
Domestic violence is the number one cause of emergency room visits by women.
73% of the battered women seeking emergency medical services have already separated from the abuser.
Women are most likely to be killed when attempting to leave the abuser. In fact, they're at a 75% higher risk than those who stay.
The number-one cause of women's injuries is abuse at home. This abuse happens more often than car accidents, mugging, and rape combined.
Up to 37% of all women experience battering. This is an estimated 566,000 women in Minnesota alone.
Battering often occurs during pregnancy. One study found that 37% of pregnant women, across all class, race, and educational lines, were physically abused during pregnancy.
60% of all battered women are beaten while they are pregnant.
34% of the female homicide victims over age 15 are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands, or boyfriends.
2/3 of all marriages will experience domestic violence at least once.
Weapons are used in 30% of domestic violence incidents.
Approximately 1,155,600 adult American women have been victims of one or more forcible rapes by their husbands.
Over 90% of murder-suicides involving couples are perpetrated by the man. 19-26% of male spouse-murderers committed suicide.
When only spouse abuse was considered, divorced or separated men committed 79% of the assaults and husbands committed 21%.
Abusive husbands and lovers harass 74% of employed battered women at work, either in person or over the telephone, causing 20% to lose their jobs.
Physical violence in dating relationships ranges from 20-35%.
It is estimated that between 20% to 52% of high school and college age dating couples have engaged in physical abuse.
More than 50% of child abductions result from domestic violence.
Injuries that battered women receive are at least as serious as injuries suffered in 90% of violent felony crimes.
In 1991, only 17 states kept data on reported domestic violence offenses. These reports were limited to murder, rape, robbery, and serious bodily injury.
More than half of battered women stay with their batterer because they do not feel that they can support themselves and their children alone.
In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are abused at a rate 1,500% higher than the national average.
Up to 64% of hospitalized female psychiatric patients have histories of being physically abused as adults.
50% of the homeless women and children in the U.S. are fleeing abuse.
The amount spent to shelter animals is three times the amount spent to provide emergency shelter to women from domestic abuse situations.
Family violence kills as many women every 5 years as the total number of Americans who died in the Vietnam War.
|05/14/05 at 21:01:09|
|05/14/05 at 20:50:26|
|[slm] Anonymous, where does your cousin live? There is absolutely no excuse for violence, and I am sure help can be obtained to curb this, if the protests are strong enough.|
I have come across cases before, and it is true that M-i-L's side with the son. The society didn't help, but there are NGOs here, and indiduals helped in the past. A person who takes his anger out on his wife, or uses violence for whatever reason, doesn't deserve to be married.
jannah, I would like a link to your statistics.
|05/14/05 at 23:10:05|
|11 tips if your friens is a victim of domestic vio|
|07/13/05 at 03:07:09|
If you have a friend who is the victim of domestic violence, you're not alone. Relatives and friends are those who victims will confide in in these situations. But don't feel helpless as your relative or friend confides in you about the abuse. There are practical things you can do to help at this time of trial and difficulty. Here are some tips:
This is one of the most important things you can do. Remember that they are confiding in you while they have kept this problem a secret from others. Find a quiet place where you can talk safely and without interruption. Encourage them to talk about the abuse.
2. Believe them
Do not deny the abuse is happening. Do not judge them. Show them that you support them no matter what they decide to do about their relationship, whether it is staying with or leaving the abusive partner on a temporary or permanent basis or not doing anything about it.
3. Respect them
Show your friend that you respect their ability to handle this situation and their ability to cope with it. This can help them regain their own strength and build confidence to deal with it.
4. Respect their feelings
In cases of domestic violence, victims need their feelings validated. To ignore the abuse and sweep it under the rug is wrong and will only serve to keep their feelings inside and the problem to worsen. This is dangerous and destructive.
5. Do not advise
As difficult as it is, it is necessary to do this, especially when your friend first confides in you. The best thing to do is to help your friend reach their own decisions about what to do and when to do it. Help them identify their own options and consequences which might follow. For instance, mention that if the victim does not seek help, she is exposing her kids to abuse as well. Just spell out the options without forcing her to take a specific step.
6. Tell them they are not to blame
This is important because blame is how the abuser often justifies the abuse. Let them know that no one has the right to abuse another. Tell them what you have learned about spousal violence and cycle of violence. Remind them that Allah does not allow a man to abuse his wife.
7. Discuss safety
Talk to your friend about shelters and other safe places. Discuss how to obtain their services and tell them about creating a protection plan (see tips for victims of domestic violence in the West for more details).
8. Encourage them to seek help
Persuade them not to ignore the problem and to deal with it for the sake of themselves and their family. Accompany them if they need your support to places like shelters, legal aid, etc.
If you have an Imam you can trust to deal with this situation appropriately, encourage them to seek his help first. It is more likely your friend will feel comfortable with an Imam and an Islamic center than in mainstream social services.
9. Do NOT speak to the partner
This is a big no-no and can worsen the situation. If the abusing partner finds out you know about the situation, he will most likely get even angrier and take it out on the abused partner more than before, as a punishment for telling others about the problem.
10. Keep in contact with them
One of the things abusers do is isolate their victims from family and friends. This makes it easier to perpetrate the domestic violence, since there is no one around to object. Keep in contact with your friend as much as possible, by phone or e-mail at least, to ensure that she has a link with the outside world and that she is not alone, suffering in silence.
11. Dua is connecting with the All-Powerful
Dua (prayer) connects you with the most Powerful one, our Creator. Please make special prayers for your friend who is going through this turmoil. Our beloved Prophet has said that your prayer for a person increases love between you and that person. May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.
|9 tips for friends of domestic violence victims in|
|07/13/05 at 03:09:25|
|9 tips for friends of domestic violence victims in non-Western countries |
by Sound Vision Staff Writer
Friends are one of the first people victims of domestic violence turn to for help, no matter where they are from. Your role as a silent supporter and source of comfort cannot be underestimated in an environment where there are few resources for women who are victims of domestic violence.
Here are some practical things you can do if you have a friend suffering from domestic violence:
1. Know what it is
Knowing what is considered abuse is necessary. Abuse includes slapping, punching, kicking, cursing, insulting and humiliating. None of this behavior is acceptable, especially in a relationship which is meant to foster love and mercy, and where children are seriously affected by their parents' behavior.
2. Listen to her
This is one of the most important things you can do. Remember that your friend confiding in you while they have kept this problem a secret from others. Find a quiet place where you can talk safely and without interruption or at least contact her on the phone if getting around is difficult.
3. Believe her
It's very important to trust that your friend is telling you the truth. You must not deny that it is happening, since this denial is, in many cases, what your friend's husband, family and the community are already telling her. No one believes that she is being abused. Or if they believe her, they may think she deserves it.
4. Tell her she is not to blame
In many places, whether it is East or West, people blame a woman who is abused by her husband. They say the only reason she was beaten by her husband was because she deserved it for something she did to displease her husband. This, however, is never an excuse for abuse, in whichever part of the world you live in. While couples can and do differ, disagree and have arguments, to beat, slap, punch, etc. is unacceptable.
5. Emphasize her ability to handle this situation
Build up your friend's courage. Show her that you respect her and her ability to handle and cope with this situation. This will give her low self-esteem a needed boost, and could, in turn, give her the strength to deal with the situation.
6. Talk about consequences
Instead of advising her exactly what to do, be clear about what options exist for her and the consequences of certain actions. For instance, mention that if the victim does not seek help, she is exposing her kids to abuse as well. Just spell out the options without forcing her to take a specific step.
7. Discuss safety
If you are living in a place where there are some trustworthy women's centers or shelters, take your friend to them. If not, see if you can work out another arrangement where your friend can find a safe place to stay when things get really dangerous at home. It could be a friend of yours whom you trust and is willing to open her doors. It could be a religious institution. Try to find alternatives.
8. Encourage authority figures to discuss the problem
Whether it's an Imam, a writer, a radio personality, or some other authority figure, bring up the issue with this individual and explain how pervasive and dangerous it is, using your friend's example without giving her name. Encourage them to discuss the problem openly and to condemn it in sermons, articles, lectures, etc. This discussion will bring the issue to the public's attention and will then have to be dealt with.
9. Keep in contact with your friend regularly
Isolation means danger for the victim of domestic violence. If she is isolated, the abuse is more likely to get worse because there is no one to challenge or hear about it. Make sure to keep in touch, ideally through personal visits, or at least phone calls.
|Carrot & Stick|
|07/13/05 at 06:53:51|
there's no justification for a man to beat up a woman...
It sounds like that guy has delusions of grandeur and omnipotence regarding women...So, I would institute an eye-for-an-eye policy..
If this is the first time he touches his wife, have someone talk to him, but suggest (warn) him in the strongest terms that if this occurs again, then he'll have the opportunity to feel what his wife feels.
People like that only understand the language of strength, not diplomacy.
If it happened before, find someone that'll beat him and let him experience the pain and humiliation that he subjects his wife to.
After that, if he ever has a thought of touching her again, like pavlov's dog, he'll remember his own pain and back off.
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