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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|Not getting along with parents|
|05/26/05 at 00:04:39|
i have a problem. i am 16 years old muslimah. i have a huge problem getting along with my
parents--they don't even understand me. not even a single percent. tooooo big of a
generation gap(greater than average).
i feel sad bacause i don't mean to get angry and say the things i do. i know i am suppose
to treat them with much respect, and this is also mentioned in the Quran. but what can i
do? how can i make them understand that world is changing and everything is not as it was
"back then". how do i live up to their impossible expectations?? we almost always have
opposing and clashing opinions.
this wasn't such a big deal before--but now, it seems as though we are at the opposite
ends of the pole. they don't appreciate all the good things that i do. they just try to
find all the flaws in me that make me feel worthless
i cry myself to sleep every night. why am i stuck between two changing worlds? will Allah
forgive me for this? i don't know what to do anymore.
i need your help.
|05/26/05 at 00:31:40|
why does everything you're saying sound so familiar? oh yeah it's cause that was me 10+ years ago!! :D
i have to tell you everyone experiences what you are at one level or another. as children of immigrants we have it alot worse because not only is there a generation gap but there is also a huge culture gap.
well all i can tell you is that as you get older, you will change and your parents will change... believe me... parents that came here like 20-30 years ago are different parents today and its because of the influence of their kids...you might not think you influence your parents but you really do, probably as much as they do you even.
so just do your best to make them understand, try to understand them better so then you'll know where they are coming from so you can deal with them better. gosh, i remember when i was 16 i used to have the WORST fights you cannot imagine with my mother about clothes... she used to force me to wear these horrible, atrocious looking indian clothes when we would go to someone's house. i mean like hot pink and jelly green and man i cannot tell you how much i absolutely hated it and how much we used to fight over it... like screaming, slamming doors, crying fights. then over the years we just sort of compromised... i would wear indian clothes going to someone's house, but i would make sure to pick out the fabrics and styles and make my mom pay for them ;) and nowadays she hardly wears anything indian but wears my skirts and tops and jilbabs!! so go figure!
so don't worry... inshallah things will work out even though it is very difficult right now and it seems impossible. just keep doing your good things and work on that mutual understanding and compromise :)
|05/27/05 at 00:06:47|
16 was probably the worst year of my life.
Here's the good news: it only gets better, inshaAllah. It's okay to cry, it's not okay to be rude to your parents.
Being difficult is VERY NATURAL for teenagers. I was just discussing this with a family friend of mine who recently graduated from medical school. And he's pretty much the angel who's mom is always ranting and raving about him...and he told me that he would have disowned himself if he was his own kid.
I was like that too...I wasn't a bad kid, but I was HIGHLY disagreeable.
I think they're being difficult too, because they don't want you to change too drasticallly...and guess what? my parents were THE SAME.
You just need to give it time...you need time, they need time.
|Generation Gap ....|
|05/27/05 at 00:40:59|
While agreeing with sister Jannah and JustOne I'll like to add that you are in the age which is called adolescence and this is my personal experience that boys and girls in this age are extremely revolutionary and see everything changing but the matter of fact nothing is changing except their own hormonal chemistry.
I have never able to understand this so called Generation Gap terminology things and our resources to survive do change with passage of time but I don't see any change in human behavior and attitude. People used to be wise, ignorant, happy, sad, prejudice, polite, brave, coward, optimistic, pessimistic, greedy, content and so on, all those attributes of human behavior existed since beginning of this world and will remain there till end. And in my opinion human behvior is the basic thing which is required to deal with other humans as long as we understand this point I don't think we can have problem to communicate with any person regardless of his religion, race, color or nationality. Instead of having problem to communicate well with his/her own parents.
I understand people do expect people of this age to behave like grown up man or woman without keeping in mind that their body has grown up but mentally they are not totally out of their childhood approach and behavior.
My advice is try to be patient and instead of expecting others to understand you try to understand their mind set and then try to find a middle way to deal with the things. Offcourse there is no excuse to disobey or misbehave with your parents. But let me tell you something that if there is any one sincere in this world that is your parents and that's why they are getting hard on you.
I can recall one friend of mine who used to date and latter on even commited more severe sins used to complain that I was getting hard on him when he used to share his secrets and he often used to say either you are my friend or enemy? Latter on he made other FRIENDS and now I am not in touch with him for very long time now but I am sure he must have realised now who was his FRIEND and who was not. So my sincere advice is try to be patient and have good friends and don't try to look for someone more sincere than your parents.
May Allah help you to deal with the situation ..... Ameen
|05/27/05 at 00:41:42|
|Not getting along with parents|
|05/27/05 at 16:11:31|
|no one will care about you more than your parents....|
no one will want the best for you except for your parents
|05/27/05 at 17:21:53|
It is your parents that actually protect you from the harmful things and Allah as well. Because if you keep disagreeing and keep thinking, "Join the Revolution", then you will be manipulated by today's corrupted society - and then later on you will realize - it was your parents who tried to keep you away from these horrible things. Your parents are you best friends and at times they may seem your worse enemy but they are not! Just be patient - and try to compromise with your parents. In a couple years things will change and so will you! Enjoy life as it is, don't make it harder on you. Take care sis. :)
|Oh baby sister….|
|05/27/05 at 17:46:58|
Have a bebzi Sweetie 
Please don’t be upset with your parents. Of course, there is a generation gap. If not, then you’d be peers and they would understand your every word. Actually, they do understand your every word. You think that because you are raised in America and they’re from back home that they don’t understand what you’re going through?
Believe you me, they do. That’s why they yell at you all the time. They probably don’t want you to make the same mistakes that they regret when they were your age. They probably see the same or similar signs…you know “Been there. Done that.” They probably want to avoid having you feel the pain of making mistakes. Parents are parents because they know what’s best for you. Really they do. Your mom knows you better than you know yourself.
Whenever I give my Mom the excuse, “Mom this is America not Cambodia. Things are different here. People drive cars, not ride buffalo wagons.” Mom would lecture, “You think because we are in America makes you not my daughter? Is that what you are saying? So what if you drive a car and I rode in a buffalo wagon because in Cambodia you rode in my stomach for 9 months. Imagine being a buffalo wagon for 9 months. I feed you in Cambodia as I do now feed you in America. The country or place where we live has nothing to do with what’s right or what’s wrong. Allah (SWT) does not make a separate Qur’an for those that live in America and those that live elsewhere. You think that because you are surrounded by the American culture gives you the right to abandon your native culture? You think that because you see American kids do this and do that makes it OK for you to do the same? If they disrespected their Mom, would you disrespect me just the same just because you live in America? I don’t see no American laws hanging in our house, do you?”
“You don’t think that I was young before? You don’t think that I had anything to do with your father’s choice in me? I had a lot of boys proposing to my dad all the time. How do you think that was so? You don’t think I was fashionable? You think I had no choice in the boy I married? It was your grandmother who knew what was best for me. She taught me how to dress, how to cook, how to impress boys. She taught me education was important and how mother hood was important and being a good wife was important. I know what you’re going through. I asked my Mom the same questions. I had the same feelings as you did. I don’t care where we live, we can live in the ocean and you’d still be my daughter. We don’t get to pick and choose our children or parents. But Allah (SWT) put this communion together because He (SWT) knew that we were made for each other and who are you to think different? If you believe that you have rights over me then you don’t know Islam. And if you don’t know Islam then I have failed you as a mother. You think I’m unreasonable, you wait till you have to answer to Allah (SWT) and I won’t be there to help you. We can only help each other here in this dunya. I make du’as for you and your brother all the time. If I’m no longer here what will become of you and your brother?”
I remember it clearly because I would here this more than once myself as well as my brother. His was just slightly different. His started with, “Just because you’re a man makes you think you don’t have a mother?.....” I told you she can lecture us till our ears bleed.
Those were the good ones. The bad ones were when we made her feel like she’s failed as a mother and starts crying. Then we can hear her talk to herself and say stuff like, “You’ve tested me by taking away my parents, my children, and even my husband, but this. I don’t know if I can pass this because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”
It wasn’t our Mom. It was us being selfish with our wants and desires of this dunya. SELFISH with our wants and desires. Our parents have experienced this dunya and what it is has to offer. This dunya has nothing to offer us. That’s what our parents are trying to convey to us and that’s why religion is a big deal and completing our deen.
Now sometimes my Mom can be a little bit unreasonable, like dressing me up like a cultural porcelain doll with the glittery gold dress and hot pink flower design on it. And the high heels and the make up and the smelliest perfume. OMG! She makes me feel guilty into wearing them and then tricks me again in to meeting potential husbands. Those times, you just have to take the bullet and be patient with them. You can have your say, but not with a raised voice. If you feel like your voice is going to accelerate, excuse yourself from your parents by asking their permission to go to your room and think about this. Then think about it, go back to them and try again. If all fails, just be patient and pray 2 rakat sunnah for guidance. Don’t forget to make du’as for your parents either.
Food and clothing: $100,000,000.00
Allah (SWT) bless….
|06/02/05 at 10:44:42|
I'm not sure on the situation your talkin about, but if it's your parents not letting you do anything or go anywhere I was in that exact situation.I remeber I used to yell or get loud at my mom (astugfirullah) because basically she let me have no life.
But now that I think back on it, I'm so happy Alhamdulillah, that she she didn't let me go anywhere , because I realize if I had gone to those places, it would've brought me farther away from my iman.And I prob. would've done things I regret. If your'e having prob. communicating , maybe if you sit them down and explain calmly. I remember I did that to my mom , she still said no ( :D) but she said it clamly and actually explained y instead of just sayin no. InshAllah everything will get better I hope I helped and wasn't just rambleing:)
|06/02/05 at 12:39:31|
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,
I could never understand why my dad never said anything nice about me; never praised me or said anything encouraging to me. it was something I struggled with a lot when I was younger. I felt like I never met with his approval.
when you get older, you realize that though your parents may not express things to you directly, that doesn't necessarily mean that they hate you, or they don't approve of you, or they think badly of you. a lot of times, especially if your parents come from 'back home', speaking openly about love and approval is just not done. in some cultures, you will rarely find even a husband and a wife openly expressing their love for each other, let alone to their kids :)
so.. it took me a long time to understand that though my dad wasn't like Danny Tanner on Full House :) he expressed his love and affection in other ways: by working, constantly, to provide for his family; by pushing us in academics, because he wanted us to be successful and wanted us to live comfortable and happy lives; and in many other ways.
in the end, you just have to realize that your parents are human beings just like you; they have their failings, and it's only when you get older and you can see them as 'people' as opposed to just 'parents' that you realize they weren't so evil or horrible after all.. they were just human beings with struggles and problems and weaknesses just like you, and that they really tried their best.
"My Lord, have mercy on them, for they cared for me when I was small."
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