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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|The Fish Seller|
|06/05/05 at 06:56:15|
"you smell of fish", my wife said, out of the blue.
"What? I don't." I was flabbergasted,
"Yes, you do", she insisted, "You smell of fish, you probably sell fish."
I hate smells, and no one has accused me ever of having a smell, least of all, a fish. Oh, I like fish, but like all foods, once it is eaten, I don't like the smell of the remnants on the table. So why this comment?
"You OK? Have you been out in the sun?" I was concerned. This wife of mine is getting stranger and stranger every day. Perhaps it is time to get a new one. :) Selling fish has never entered my mind.
Oh my God! She is calling me [i]selfish[/i].
"Are you accusing me of selfishness? On what grounds? What have I done that qualifies as such?"
"When guests come, you never ask them to eat. You friend H came yesterday, and I sent the tea tray in front of both of you, and you didn't ask him to eat. You just started eating yourself", she said in a calm voice.
How can she be so calm, while accusing me of this sin, I thought to myself, then I said aloud: "That's not true. I did ask him, twice, but you know he eats litle, and very rarely."
"Unlike you, who is always ready to eat", back came the comments.
Me: "If I do overeat, my weight would increase, or I would get unmentionable problems of the stomach."
Wife: "I am not accusing you of overeating. I wish I had your metabolism. My point is that you don't insist on guests eating. Everyone else does."
Me: "I don't like forcing others or being forced myself. I do ask people, once or twice. And if someone doesn't want to eat, why should I insist. Maybe he has a medical problem. Maybe he just doesn't want to eat at that particular time."
Maybe she is right. Do I have a selfish streak in me? I wish I knew.
[i]Maybe to some members on this board I have said things that hurt. Perhaps I have not explained properly. I am also very forgetful, and that may come to some as selfishness. Perhaps the talk of my problems looks selfish.[/i]
So I think first I would like to apologise for any hurt I may have caused. And then, when I have talked of my problems, it is only to discover some avenue, and it has helped. It was pointed to me that Microsoft Windows has a feature wherein typed or saved text is read out to you. I have now found that this feature is in windows xp. Now I wait for one of my children to acquire a new computer, and I can then use this feature on their present one. Plus I was helped in getting info on eye treatment in the UK, and UK pension rules and the form. I have delayed further action for personal reasons, but I would like to acknowledge the help I have received.
But about my selfishness: There definitely were occassions when I felt my response (even on the board or in PM's) might come out as selfish. They were too abrupt, and perhaps lacking in use of the right words. I also apologise for that.
How do I check this, or should I take my wife's word for it?
And if it is true, how do I get rid of it?
|06/05/05 at 12:34:26|
Yeah once or twice is not enough. You should follow the sunnah and ask three times. If they still refuse then you should leave it I guess.
p.s You sell fish on the Sea Shore....Your selfish and She's sore...Corny Joke I know....oh well ::) :P :)
p.p.s you should cool her down with a 
|06/05/05 at 12:34:54|
|Offer her a bebzi and see what she does.....|
|06/06/05 at 17:57:49|
What? Apologize? For what? You are just too sweet Bro. It’s not done intentionally and you do try your best so I don’t think it would be considered a selfish act. I’d say it’s quite the opposite because your intentions were to help people not to help yourself. How can you be helping yourself if you are giving advice, no matter how it was read, to someone else? Sometimes people need abrupt advice. Like me for instance, if you told me “well…..you could do this or you could do that…” I’d just look at it as something weak. Now if you said, “Dang it woman! You should do this or else you’d be hurting a lot of people because if you did that then you will be wrong and…blah blah blah!!!” Then I’d be like, “DANG! Chill! Alright. I’ll do it. OK.”
In my humble opinion Bro, you haven’t been selfish with all that you’ve given to the board. I read your posts all the time just in case there’s good advice in there for me as well.
As for your wife, she knows you best so it would be best to ask her for advice on the selfishness thing. She started it, she should finish it. (And I mean it in a nice way, ok?) I know (but I really do hope not) I’ve done people wrong in here (mostly Sisters cause I love them so) and I don’t mean to, really I don’t….hmmmm…may be I should be writing an apology letter too…..whatever!!!
I’m just KIDDING. Really!
I’m one of those that show “tough love” so opposite from Mummy dearest. Mom doesn’t even know where I get it from either cause my brother isn’t like that nor is Dad. Everyone blames it on my first marriage. Heh heh heh…like really. Really? That’s why I keep asking you guys to give me some advice on how to be nice and sweet and loving.
Anyways….no worries Bro. Take great care.
Allah (SWT) bless….
|selfishness or regard for others|
|06/08/05 at 09:05:00|
selfishness or regard for other people's rights? :)
Thanks for the advice, bro Muslim and sis Trustworthy. I will apply advice from both, but in the meantime, here are my thoughts on further reflection.
I think some selfishness (or self-preservation instinct) has to be ingrained in the organism, or it wouldn't survive, but I am sure now my wife's calling me selfish is unjustified. She would have a case if I wanted to be treated differently when I am a guest somewhere.
It is more of a cultural thing really. In the Indo-Pak subcontinent, and I guess in all the Eastern cultures, people are forced to do things they do not want to do. Someone goes to a friend's or a relative's house, and s/he is forced to eat whatever is served. As I said in my original post, maybe his stomach is full, maybe he is on a diet, maybe he has to attend a dinner later and he wants to save his appetite, but the host will not listen to his protests. At times it becomes oppressive. I have seen this with my wife, who will insist on people eating even when they have diabetes or high blood presure and want to avoid foods that may aggravate their condition. Although my wife is a doctor, when she is a hostess, she will push people (in a nice way, of course) into eating what isn't good for them. Why isn't it good is that our cultures sweet things (sugar, diabetics beware), or fried one (wrong for people with high blood pressure) are the norm. What is even more amazing is that if one does not insist, the guests complain that they have not been properly attended to.
I am the opposite. I am very, very different. I get annoyed with other people's insistence, and I do not want to impose my wishes on others. From childhood, I kept to myself, and our preoccupation with books made me quite unsocial. Maybe this is the reason. I am normally pre-occupied with my thoughts or what I used to do, like my experiments, or the books I would be reading. Perhaps that has developed into not paying atention to guests. Yet, I do observe people, and judge their circumstances from that observation.
And can one change at this late age?
and sis Trustworthy, this anger that you have shown is OK, for I think I read that the prophet [saw] was never angry for himself, but whenever Allah's directives or a hadd were crossed, he did become angry. However, he also asked us to present the deen in its simplicity and practicality, and in stages so as not to burden and frighten people away. I think brothers AbuKhaled and al-anon and sister jannah have commented on the emphasis on legality becoming stifling. That insistence is to be avoided, and if we can provide some reasons to the directives, it would help the dawah work.
What helps me in being less harsh on others is that I am a very sinful person. I have made many mistakes, and although Allah (swt) has protected from some major sins, I have known that I have a weak nafs. So I try to see myself in other people's shoes, and what I would like to be done to me.
Taking the case of hadd in zina, although I have never been involved in this, I ask myself would I accept the punishment of being stoned, if I were ever involved. And it frightens me. From the seerah of the prophet [saw] we see that he provided time for even a sinner who had confessed to retract, or to go away and seek forgiveness from Allah (swt), and only imposed the hadd when the sinner came back again and again to be purified. It speaks volumes for such Muslims that they were willing to undergo such pain and humiliation, so that on the Day they are spared.
|06/08/05 at 13:03:53|
|In my culture....|
|06/09/05 at 14:00:14|
Guests test the hostess to see how many times it takes to have the hostess force you to eat because it's polite like that you see. If we quit asking you to eat then we've failed as hostess and we were rude not to offer you anything and that you are greedy. I hate doing that, forcing people to eat when they say no. But no means yes, just ask me again and shove it down my throat.
I got really tired of it so I quit doing that. I ask you 3 times and if you say no, then don't eat it, but eat something cause I didn't leave it out for the jinns to consume. Let me know if you have diabetes so I can get out sugar free stuff. Or request what you want to eat. Me casa tu casa right?
And if I don't want to eat, then let me be please. I'll let you know when I'm hungry. You keep asking me, it just adds fuel to my fire.
Allah (SWT) bless....
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