A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|07/04/05 at 10:55:27|
|Salam Alaykum brothers and sisters,|
I am faced with a dilemma that is growing on a daily basis. I am speaking to a man for
marriage with my parents consent, and everyone around me is buzzing happily because they
think this is a great idea. The man in question is someone I have known since I was a
little girl, and I can safely say I know him very well. The problem is that while everyone
is sure that this is going to transform into a fairy tale, I find myself suffocated at
every step. I don't know what it is, but I am just not attracted to the guy. Anything he
says to me becomes nauseating.
My mom has recently given me permission to speak to him over the phone because she thinks
that if I talk to him, he'll sway me off my feet. Unfortunately, this is not happening.
I am very polite to him. I listen to him. I don't find anything he says funny, but I
still smile like it was the funniest thing I've heard. He's religious in the sense that he
prays five times a day, but he has absolutely no will to study Islam more. At least not
yet. He says things like "If it's important to you, then I might do it in the future."
It might have been sweet, but I just don't like him.
I know he likes me. I know he's liked me for a very long time, and has made an effort to
marry me once before, at which time I had told him that he hasn't even finished high
school, and is being foolish. Years later, even I have finished college now, he has come
back, and my parents and his parents are thrilled.
I guess he's an okay guy. Doesn't have a good job, but is heading back to school this
fall. His family and my family has been friends for eons, and they are okay, too. He is a
musician, which to me is abnormal, and it really stings me from time to time. I think
our values are dissimilar, but since our backgrounds are the same, it makes up for it. We
don't have similar personalities, but I guess you don't have to marry someone who's
identical to you. But we have nothing in common. No interests, no friends, nothing.
The thing is, I'm not too picky. Even my parents know this. But I just don't feel
anything towards him, and I get very annoyed with him. I have been praying that whoever I get
married to, I want to feel something for the guy...that he is "the one". I don't want to
be ungrateful to God for sending this guy my way by rejecting him. I also don't want to
hurt my parents, or his parents, or him. I also don't want to regret taking a stand and
saying "no" just because there are no butterflies in my stomach.
Istikhara results have been completely lukewarm. Maybe I am doing it incorrectly? I am
just numb all the time, and very unhappy. I try not to be this way, but it's just not
Please advise me.
|07/04/05 at 12:01:02|
with so much negativity, just forget him. Tell your parents the truth, that you are not going to marry him, and put him out of your life.
|tell him he is not attractive at all|
|07/04/05 at 14:12:10|
|It seems from what you are saying he is not the right person for you .The only thing you found good is that he prays five times a day, This in fact makes him Moslem and you as a Moslem any man you are going to marry must have the same character at least, so by this he has nothing special |
but he has some thing strange by saying
[quote]He says things like "If it's important to you, then I might do it in the future." [/Quote]
This makes one confused to trust him
Tell him and your parents that you donít like him and show them why
|07/04/05 at 15:09:44|
| [slm].What the others here are saying is correct. It's important to at least see something that will attract you. That is why in Islam, before a man marries you , he comes to see you and vice versa and you both take the opportunity to find out thru proper channels, info about each other. Then you decide whether you want to be married to him or not.|
You should not be compelled to marry him and nor should you feel pressure to do as they want you too. Be forthcoming and do it now before they start thinking that you really like him. Sit with them patiently and explain to them that inshallah, you are just not attracted to him nor do you share many of his views. I'm sure that you'd rather not go into marriage like that and end up with divorce or intense hatred for your spouse. Be firm with them and show respect to your parents and be truthful with him too.
By you taking longer and more time talking to him, they get the impression you indeed like him for a future spouse. ::) Plus, if it was me, I would not want someone who tells me that he will study the deen if it is what I want, it should be for himself! Plus am not really impressed with a musician unless he does nasheeds...sorry am also picky loolz(good thing am already married ;)alhamdulillah).
|07/04/05 at 15:11:18|
|07/04/05 at 16:56:01|
[quote]He says things like "If it's important to you, then I might do it in the future."[/quote]
That reminds me of that joke (which is absolutely true by the way) that women marry men expecting them to change, and they don't. And men marry women expecting them to stay the same, but they change.
I would assume that he isn't going to change. And you have listed too many reasons not to marry him. Jump ship while you can. If you feel suffocated now what will it be like after marriage?
Do some more istikhara, and i would also think that you should cut down on the chatting, with the least reason being that it starts detachment.
Actually, over the years we (on the board) have come to a sort of consensus that when you're not interested in a man, the best thing to do is to just cut off completely. Make sure that he gets it thru his head that you're not interested; any mixed signals will prolong the whole thing and make him think that there is still a chance.
That reminds me of an interview with George Lucas that i saw after Episode I in which he was explaining why he had to have Darth Maul killed by being chopped into two. Its because if the fans didn't see that Maul was absolutely and utterly dead and not coming back there would have been lots of rumours and expectation that he is coming back.
Moral of the story, chop this guys hopes into pieces (only if you're definitely not going to marry him of course).
PS I hope you're not offended by some of the light-hearted comments above - i'm sure the situation is very serious for you, and i do hope that whatever decision you take works out for the best in this life and the next.
|07/04/05 at 16:58:38|
|07/04/05 at 17:46:58|
|Sister, all you posted sounded reasonable, to the point and honest.|
You worded it so wonderfully and did so without making the bro sound bad.
So why not print this out and hand it to your parents
if you don't feel comfortable talking to them?
I bet they would totally understand and respect you for
being upfront and not getting into a marriage that may easily end up
in a divorce.
Tell your parents and then tell the man honestly you are
confidant this is not meant to be, sorry but thank you and
you hope he finds a wonderful wife.
|07/06/05 at 10:33:27|
I once read somewhere (either this board or some other board) that having "unfa" (correct me if i misspelled the word) or attraction is very important (islamically) when choosing your spouse...because its an integral part of marriage.
If you dont feel anything..any attraction towards the guy, than its pointless to go further into this. not only you will be unhappy , you might also make him very unhappy because of you being not attracted to him.
you only live once, choose wisely. and talk to you parents tell them EVERYTHING that you think..they are your parents, they (inshallah) will understand.
|Re: Not attracted?|
|08/05/05 at 20:58:37|
|Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatahu|
Sister, I am encouraging, like the other bros and sis' above, that you jump ship with this guy. Something similar to this happened to my sister. A few years back, she was proposed to by a good family friend; he was different than the guy that you mention in that he was very religious, and definitely interested in continuing to learn about the religion. But for some odd reason, though he was good-looking, from a great family background (son of one of my dad's oldest friends), and despite all the family's prodding and pressuring, she said no. She said no because she said she didn't feel like "she could make him happy." At the time, we thought it was odd, and the whole family (myself included) was rather upset with her, but she stuck to her response. Now, three years later, she was proposed to by another young man who was perfect for her in every single way...someone she thought "she could make happy." She was happily married this past month. The brother she rejected went through several unforeseen crises over the years, but alhumdulillah, now he too is married to a great girl who seems a good match.
Moral of the story: if you've made sincere du'a to Allah SWT to help you make the right decision, and you STILL don't feel the least bit attracted to this guy, let him go. Allah (SWT) has someone or something better suited for you in your future, Inshallah.
|Re: Not attracted?|
|08/21/05 at 07:32:46|
|At one point many people in the world thought it was flat.|
Everybody thinking something is true does not make it so.
Regarding this man.
The woman must be treated with respect and her feelings must be taken into consideration.
My advice? No, do not marry a man you do not love. To do so would be evil to yourself and to him.
|Re: Not attracted?|
|08/23/05 at 01:28:42|
It's easy for most of us to say, be honest with our parents, tell them what we think, blahblahblah... but I understand it is tougher than it looks.
My sympathies are with you sister. Unfortunately, everyone here is right about being honest about your heart. Just find the right time, and God will lead the way. Just be sincere.
In any case, I think one of the comments here about being a musician, is unfair. While most of us associate music with pop culture, there are other aspects of music that is not popular but is quite spiritual. Nasheed is just another form of popular music. Admit it. It looks and sound like a church choir. Now, why would we want to celebrate this form of music? What is so original about choir, and sometimes even pop musical arrangement, in nasheed?
Most Muslims ignore our own cultural heritage, in the form of music that is spiritual. I can quote music from Turkey, Iran, Yemen and even Indonesia, that is not associated with pop culture. So, I think, we should all open our minds, and not think in narrow terms. Understand a topic, and see it from all viewpoints, before we make comments about something that can be beautiful.
Music, NOT POP MUSIC, can be beautiful. Even Beethoven's music is spiritual!
Just remember, God loves everything that is beautiful, even beautiful music that does not lull you.
Let not our prejudices colour our minds and close our hearts to the other beauties of Islam.
|08/23/05 at 01:30:10|
|09/23/05 at 00:09:41|
|Having been in this predicament many a time, I can 'see' your heart is not there.|
As a married sister told me recently when I was in a similar predicament, you'll just *know* it's him when you meet him [inshaAllah].
|09/23/05 at 00:22:20|
|Re: Not attracted?|
|09/24/05 at 02:05:21|
|Ever wonder why it is that Muslims, living as they blatantly are immersed in a |
society based on choice - clothes, education, career, nonetheless feel that they must
resort to an old model when it comes to choosing a life partner? We are - or some of us are
- Westerners - American, British, whatever - after all, the West's picky psychology is in
us. And that's not a good or bad thing, a strong or weak thing, it's just a thing.
As for not being attracted to someone - ever seen those poor Africans who suffer from an
affliction whereby the eyelashes grow downwards back into the eye, irritating until the
sufferers grow blind? I don't think it's too dramatic an analogy for what happens when you
go against your own heart.
My friend who is getting married once said, "Man, you're [i]going[/i] to argue, you're
[i]going[/i] to hate that darling of yours at least sometimes, in which case her face
should at least look good normally so as not to look repulsive angry!"
|Re: Not attracted?|
|10/27/05 at 09:50:42|
|[quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1120488927;start=0#0 date=07/04/05 at 10:55:27]I find myself suffocated at every step. †I don't know what it is, but I am just not attracted to the guy. †Anything he says to me becomes nauseating.|
I am very polite to him. †I listen to him. †I don't find anything he says funny, but I still smile like it was the funniest thing I've heard.†He says things like "If it's important to you, then I might do it in the future." †It might have been sweet, but I just don't like him.
I want to feel something for the guy...that he is "the one". †I don't want to be ungrateful to God for sending this guy my way by rejecting him. †I also don't want to hurt my parents, or his parents, or him. †I also don't want to regret taking a stand and saying "no" just because there are no butterflies in my stomach.
Please advise me.[/quote]
[slm] Well, naturally attraction between two individuals is necessary to initiate a relationship that leads to marriage insha'Allah and most certainly you donít have to actually "be in love" per se to be attracted to someone or consider them for marriage and so forth. So in the end its your God given right to choose whomever you wish to marry (spend the rest of your life with) so insha'Allah its all kheir whatever you decide dear.
|10/27/05 at 09:54:45|
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