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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
|11/27/05 at 01:30:25|
Well here’s the story one of my dearest friends has this dilemma with her fiancé, he’s actually reluctant of marrying her due to the fact that she isn’t a hijabi - so he wants her to put the hijab on before the wedding but on the other hand she isn’t quite ready yet and wants to put the hijab on, on her own without anyone demanding her to do so.
I neither wish to rush my friend nor reject her fiancé’s point of view, so I am simply lost here, please advice....???
Jazaka Allah Kheir,
|11/27/05 at 02:09:11|
|Re: Hijab Problem???|
|11/27/05 at 01:56:32|
|[slm] Here is an account of a revert, who had a lot of issues, but finally made a choice. Read her account:|
Why I Wear Hijaab And Why I Support Other Women's Right To Choose Not To
Ever since I became a Muslim I have engaged in discussions about the issue of covering hair. Lately I have come across a few discussions that got quite heated and read some statements that shocked me in their vehemence for and against hijaab. Some of the comments made by Muslims were particluraly surprising and I realized that even within our own community we are extremely polarized on this issue of a little piece of cloth. There are always Muslims who are ready to force us all undercover and would be more than willing to have this legislated and enacted by "hair police." But what shocked me was that I discovered Muslims who felt hijaab should be banned with punishment for anyone whose daughter under a certain age of maturity (possibly around 16-18) sports a head cover. I decided it was time for me to put some of my own thoughts and experiences down on paper -- or at least out in cyber space.
In the beginning when I first converted to Islam I did not cover my hair and was encouraged by many to take my time and "let it come in its own time." I had a few friends who encouraged me -- mostly women from the Islamic Center where I had studied -- but even they were very relaxed about the whole thing. I had often worn an abaya over my clothes, mainly for ease and comfort, but had tossed the shayla around my neck and shoulders in my best Isadora Duncan manner. Occasionally when I would go out to the souk I would loosely cover my hair with the shayla and so after about a year I decided to give it a go and adopt hijaab. At first I was delighted when friends and students remarked upon how nice it looked and encouraged me to see it as a part of my life as a Muslim. But it wasn't long before I experienced the negative aspect of this hijaab issue. I began to hear comments about how NOW I was a REAL Muslim and how I had improved as a Muslim because I was covering my hair. It became very apparent that a lot females are judging our sisters over outward appearances and most notably this notorious bit of fabric.
In fact, I became so disappointed about this gap in our sisterhood that I found myself vociferously defending all the ladies who choose not to cover their hair. I was always the first to point out how many "niqaabis" one sees floating around the malls in the Gulf with heavy perfume, heavily embellished abayas, designer bags and shoes, and enough make-up to keep Max Factor going until the next millenium. People would always concede that outward appearances don't necessarily reflect inner spirituality, and yet the "Muslim Supreme Court of Sisterhood" just keeps on passing those verdicts down. So you can imagine what I did next... yes, that's right... I took off my hijaab.
Of course, at first I had to contend with all the disappointment my hair status was provoking. I just stuck to my guns and told everyone I had put it on for the wrong reasons to begin with (to fit in culturally and because I wanted everyone to know I was Muslim) and had come to realize that I did not want to be judged over my hair. In my own silly, small way I felt I was sort of giving some power back to all those sisters who let it flow in the breeze. Another year or two went by and my hair wasn't of much concern to anybody although I still covered occasionally for convenience.... everybody has bad hair days....
Then, al hamdullilah a wonderful man came into my life and after getting to know each other we decided to get married. My fiance asked me if I was going to cover my hair and I responded that I didn't know but insha'Allah I would if I came to feel it was important to me. I explained that when I had worn hijaab I found it extremely uncomfortable due to a chronic health condition that causes acute itching of my head and body, and is exacerbated by tight or fitted clothing. My medical condition requires daily doses of prescription antihistimines so he knew this was not my imagination or a flimsy excuse.
A few months passed and as the spring wore on and summer approached -- the agreed upon time for our wedding to take place -- my fiance asked me again about wearing hijaab. This time when I answered "insha'Allah" he told me how important it was to him. He explained Quran and the hadith as he understands them -- of course, I had been over this ground many times -- and he expressed concern for my well-being as a Muslim and his hopes for me to go to heaven (insha'Allah with him). He spoke with such conviction and I responded with equal conviction that it should be MY decision alone. After some discussion which became emotional, we set the discussion aside; but not before he said that he would like me to wear hijaab by the time we got married.
Well! I was angry, frustrated and most of all depressed with the idea of having to commit to wearing hijaab before getting married. I felt it would be a permanent decision this time and that I wasn't emotionally ready to make the leap and yet the thought of delaying the wedding because of something so minor was even more depressing. I cried for 3 days, but al hamdulillah I had the support of my adopted Palestinian family -- especially my "sister" Munira who related a similar experience when she first married. Now after 27 years she happily wears hijaab without giving it a second thought. She understood my feelings but she also understood my fiance's feelings and how an Arab Muslim man would want the best for me and think it was his responsibility to encourage and expect me to cover my hair.
As I thought about everything my fiance had said and everything my sister Munira had related, I started to realize that it was not such a big deal to ie to go around with my hair uncovered. I began to consider that maybe there were certain fabrics I could use and learn to secure my headscarf in such a manner that it wasn't uncomfortable. But most importantly, during all this time I weighed out whether NOT covering my hair was as important to me as covering it was to my future husband. This took some real honest soul searching and trust on my part -- soul searching to come to terms with why I was against covering my hair and trust that my fiance was speaking from the heart when he told me how important he felt it was for me spiritually. At that point I realized that even if I am not so sure that God cares about my hair, I am certain this wonderful man who had come to love me DID. And with that I realized that it was a very small gesture to make for my husband's peace of mind.
Even though I couldn't say that I was directly covering my hair for God, I guess I was indirectly because surely God wants a husband and wife to care about each other's feelings, be generous in nature with each other and do everything we can to secure a sense of love and peace in the marriage. Viewed in that light, covering my hair seemed the right thing to do. But I will tell another woman what to do about her hair -- it's for every woman to weigh out the pros and cons of hijaab.
For those of you who wonder how thing have turned out 6 months down the road: I wear hijaab -- you might say "religiously" now ;-) -- and my husband constantly tells me how lovely I look, how happy I have made him and how relieved he is when he thinks about us standing before God on the day of judgment... if I can just get over swearing now!
posted by peacefulmuslimah at 10:34 PM on Sunday, August 21, 2005
|11/27/05 at 02:11:10|
|Veil of Freedom|
|11/27/05 at 02:13:37|
| [slm] The above was by an American revert sister, a University teacher in Qatar. The following is by an Englih revert sister: I hope these are of help.|
Since my embracing Islam,and wearing the Hijab,I chose to call it my Veil of Freedom,for it so much placed my whole perspective as a women in order.It gave me a freedom to be part of the human race,without having to be a commodity,or an ornament.It has been some years now,yet I wrote some verses to recall how I felt within Hijab,
To all Muslims,remember your identity,be honoured to walk and advocate this final and complete faith,
VEIL OF FREEDOM
Hostility, Oppression, unbelievers see each day
so used to fear aggression cannot deem another way
Hypocrisy, diversion, untruths they're heard to call
And I witness all their chaos as my Veil of Freedom Falls
Sincerity, Identity, Submission of my will,
My devotion, no one's provoction, abstains me from ill-will.
So proud to be a Muslim, to cover for my Faith,
My Veil of Freedom guards me as others go astray.
What covers me, Beholds of me, It's faith entwined with care,
When other laugh and stare at me, they simply hide their fears,
Everything they've tried in life,they think that they are free,
Yet all their smiles are fading,within my Veils my Faith is sealed.
No direction,spiritual connection,to them has lost it's call
And I wonder at this sadness as my Veil of Freedom falls.
What locks them out does draw me in to them I have to voice,
I have taken something that you all could have by choice
My sincerity, My Identity,My Devotion how it soars
As I pass them by with Dignity, as, my veil of Freedom Falls.
|Re: Hijab Problem???|
|11/27/05 at 19:07:06|
| [slm] Jazak Allah Kheir for the posts brother timbuktu, well quite frankly I find it a bit difficult to understand how some people think that they can change their significant others... I mean, it’s really great that people encourage each other to be better and so forth, but I believe people should also accept one another as they are without any changes... because changes may or may not come and you cannot base a relationship on the possibility of change.|
I hope this makes sense insha’Allah.
|11/27/05 at 19:50:30|
|Re: Hijab Problem???|
|11/28/05 at 00:53:07|
Bismillah, wa salaatu was saaalmu 'ala rasoolillah. Amma ba'ad.
Allah praises and thanks are due to Allah alone, the Creator, Sustainer, the Provider and Bestower of all Provision. Allah is the Creator of all things and all conditions.
My dear respected sister,
Allah has created this universe and placed us in this world for the purpose of bringing complete deen into our lives, to earn for the Hereafter. Allah is King of all kings. To Allah belongs the Dominion.
Our success in this world is judged by how much we fulfill the commands of Allah. I have read your question about dealing with your friend.
Allah, the Glorified, says in the Quran, "...and enjoin one another to righteousness and consciousness of God, and do not enjoin one another to wrong-doing and enmity."
The scholars say that a true friend of a believer is one that advises one to remember Allah and to obey him, so that he or she may be successful in the Hereafter. True love and concern for a friend necessitates that we love for them the guidance of Islam and the success for what comes after death. This world is a temporary abode. We will all die.
A good friend is one we reminds us of death, and the greatness of the Aakhira. A noble companion is one who saves us from our own vices and says things from the Quran and Sunnah of our beloved Messenger.
Indeed, the company we keep can cause us to deviate from the Truth, or bring us nearer to Allah. The Prophet said, "a person who frequents a perfume shop, will return home fragrant, although he did not purchase any musk. And a person who frequents a blacksmith will return home with the smell of ash, although he may never have touched a coal." Likewise, good company will help us obey Allah, and bad company will do the opposite.
From the benefits of Hijab, is that it protects a woman's honor and chastity, and prevents the evil of those we seek to molest good and chaste women. It is a husband's duty to give ta'leem and call his wife and family away from the evils, and to make effort to bring complete deen into the home.
May Allah make us good friends to each other. We should always show kindness and humility to our brothers and sisters. The Prophet's character was always to smile and be soft-hearted, especially with the ignorant. May Allah forgive us and all the believers. I pray that Allah strengthens all of our Imaan, and helps us put our reliance on Him, to Whom belong the Treasures of the Heavens and Earth. May peace and prayers be on our beloved Messenger Muhammad.
|11/28/05 at 01:04:14|
|Re: Hijab Problem???|
|11/28/05 at 11:36:19|
| [slm]Dear Sis Siham, the brother has a good reason. Wearing hijab is an act of obeying Allah (SWT)'s commands to the believing women. He will inshallah have to answer to Allah (SWT) if he allows his wife to go outside the home without covering.|
Here is part of an answer from the scholars on a question about wearing the hijab and it fully applies to your freinds situation. You can look it up:
Question #36805: How should he deal with his sisters who do not wear full hijab?
" [B]What some people say, that a girl does not have to wear the hijab or jilbaab until after she is married or until she has completed her education etc has no basis, rather this shar’i ruling applies to every girl who has reached the age of adolescence, whether she is 12 years old or 18 or whatever.
Fathers and mothers should note that they are responsible before Allaah for the affairs of their daughters that have been entrusted to them, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allaah, but do that which they are comman`ed”
And as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The ruler is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; the man is the shepherd of his family members and is responsible for them...”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 853; Muslim, 1829.
And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah will ask every person in a position of responsibility about that which was entrusted to him, whether he took care of it or was negligent, until He will ask a man about the members of his household.” Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan, classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Ghaayat al-Maraam, no. 271.
And Allaah knows best.[/B] "
He( the bro) wants to make sure that his future wife is doing all that is possible in obeying Allah (SWT).On the other hand did the brother nop know from the get go before he got into the discusion of marriage that she did not wear hijab? Did he not ask this type of questions beforehand and found out more about the sister?
As for your friend, I hope inshallah that she eventually covers inshallah but this is not the right way to encourage her to do so. Inshallah, maybe you can help her realize that it's important to practice her deen in this way too.
One of the first things that my now husband asked was if I covered and wore the hijab. If I had not he wouldn't have gone any further, Allahu Alam. Why? He wanted a woman who acted on Allah's commands to cover among other things.
So to me, it would have been wiser to tackle this issue from the get go and avoid all this now. The bro has good reason to want his future wife to be a hijabi but should have made this clear from the beginning. But again better now than after marriage!
So If I was you sis I would just encourage her to do a research on wearing the Hijab and to do it to obey Allah (SWT) before anyone else. If my tone seems harsh in any way forgive me, it isn't my intention for it to be sis and if I have said anything wrong, May Allah(SWT) forgive me.
|11/28/05 at 11:42:23|
|Re: Hijab Problem???|
|11/28/05 at 12:37:00|
|I haven’t read the responses of the people who responded before me, because there are too many of them and I couldn’t be bothered.|
But I believe that he should never marry such a woman.
Hijab is not a women’s right to choose. It’s Allah’s right and he has already chosen.
So marrying some one who REFUSES to wear Hijab is marrying some one who knowingly, wantonly and openly disobeys her creator.
Refusing to wear Hijab is not like secretly eating a bacon sandwich, because refusing to wear Hijab advertises the fact that the lady in question is disobeying her creator and is not ashamed of it.
How can such a person be a good mother? What kind of example would she be showing her daughters?
Seeing such a person should disgust you.
Many young women are pushed by their mothers to abandon Hijab. Their mothers argue that they would never be able to find a husband if they continue to wear it.
Brothers who marry ladies who refuse to wear it are proving such women right.
Some men cancel their weddings because the lady wears Hijab. Others are attracted to ladies who flaunt their hair in disobedience to their creator, for all to see.
I cancelled a wedding at a very late state, because my fiancée wasn’t wearing Hijab on her wedding dress.
I think more men should behave like this and this would result in women wearing Hijab instead of abandoning it when it comes to finding a husband.
I think Christians and Jews should refuse to marry hair flaunters too! The laws of Hijab is in their books too. But they have neglected the laws for so long they have forgotten that they still exist.
And now some people who call themselves Muslim, insist on following the sunnah of the Christians and Jews, while ignoring the Sunnah of the Prophet pbh. What did the Prophet’s pbh wives ra wear?
|Re: Hijab Problem???|
|11/28/05 at 20:55:57|
You are right that Hijab is an obligation, not a choice, but you should consider what is more important: the shahada or the Hijan?
We are so far removed from the practice of the deen in toto, that just listing the requirements for a Muslim can make many say "it is not for me."
The prophet [saw] asked us to present the deen simply, to make it easy for reverts for practice and not be overwhelmed by it.
Sometimes I wonder if our do's and dont's amount to the conduct of the Pharisees.
There is too much emphasis on legal details, even when someone hasn't fully come to terms with the basic requirements.
Someone came to the prophet [saw], and said: ys Nabi [saw], the deen has become too complesx, and as now has too many directives for me TO HANDLE. tEll me just a dew things that I do and enter Allah's Paradise.
We should present the deen in its very basics, and leave the other requirements for when one grows in deen.
|Re: Hijab Problem???|
|11/29/05 at 12:35:35|
I didn't read the other responses, but I think that they need to talk about a lot of other issues too and decide if they are going in the same direction islamically. The issue of the hijab might just be the tip of the iceberg and they might disagree about a lot of other islamic issues.
|Re: Hijab Problem???|
|11/29/05 at 19:20:22|
|[slm] Jazaka Allah Kheir for the replies everyone!|
[quote author=Marcie link=board=madrasa;num=1133069425;start=0#8 date=11/29/05 at 12:35:35] I didn't read the other responses, but I think that they need to talk about a lot of other issues too and decide if they are going in the same direction islamically. The issue of the hijab might just be the tip of the iceberg and they might disagree about a lot of other islamic issues.[/quote]
Exactly, quite honestly I think the brother has some sort of insecurity issues, because he doesn’t allow her to go out and they are not even married yet..... moreover relationships are based on trust and if people don’t trust each other then I am afraid that the hajib is only an added version/excuse to the whole issue.
Bro abdul perhaps you have the best intention at heart, but that’s not the proper way to invite people to the way of Allah (i.e. Dawah) It seems to me that you are taking revenge for your own nafs, rather than providing some kind of guidance for people, and it generally manifests in the violent way that you approach certain issues here, somehow all your messages come across in an angry manner.
Btw, I’m just curious, are you sure that the sister didn’t have a change of heart?
Anyhow, I would like to point out that my friend is not heedless of Sharia Law at all, Alhamdulilah the sister dresses modestly, she is simply weak and needs time and a great deal of support, encouragement from her fiancé, she doesn’t wants to get veiled just to get married...... but for the Sake of Allah SWT, she wants to do it willingly and lovingly and not forcefully….again I believe its one thing to be weak and another to make excuses for ones shortcomings and to make something halal when its in fact totally haram. Furthermore it always best that changes come from within oneself, rather than an outsider who demands that she does this or that.
Therefore, I think we need to be very lenient with people, because we are living in a very difficult time and bringing up their weaknesses tend to only agitate their souls (specially when that certain individual knows)
So, I try to help her through my spiritual state (i.e. actions and deeds) and less with the state of the tongue, to make extra du’aas for her and so forth.
Lastly, the veil is more than a head scarf its surely about this entire haya and inward modesty, that exhibits in an outward form - its basically about being spiritually alive, so I think it’s okay if some sisters are not there yet, as long as they know that they need to get there eventually.
Hence there are always steps to the way up cos we are all striving to stay on the straight path and have to struggle to certain extent with our religious practices as well in our spiritually growth.
|12/01/05 at 18:52:17|
|Re: Hijab Problem???|
|11/29/05 at 20:40:32|
As someone who has struggled with the hijaab for an infinite number of years (8 yrs), I can honestly sympathize with the girl.
Hijaab is of utmost importance, but I truly believe its importance is overemphasized in society. Since when does a girl who wear hijaab automatically become more pious than the one who doesn't? Unfortunately, many Muslim treat it so, and to be honest, the attitude detracts from the overall affect of people's naseeha.
I also know from experience what it's like to do hijaab when the person is not ready. And it's an extremely complicated emotion.
When he signed up to marry her, why did he do it if he was uncomfortable with such a huge aspect of her deen? He can't all of a sudden start having second thoughts, that's not right.
I think these are two separate issues, they have to be compartmentalized. He has to see it as a) her decision to wear hijaab and b) his decision to marry her.
And she needs to do the same.
If it's a big enough deal to break an engagement over, no one's going to kill them for it. But it can't lead to marriage unless the issue is resolved: either a) her acceptance to wear hijaab or b) his acceptance to marry her and wait for her to come around.
|Re: Hijab Problem???|
|11/29/05 at 23:46:48|
i can understand why he would want her to wear hijab, it's like if you wanted to marry someone and they didn't quite do all their prayers, you would want to encourage them in that and start off your marriage right.
i don't think ultimatums and conditions work though especially on the issue of hijab, but i also don't think it's wrong that he has that as a condition before getting married. after all people have the oddest conditions and this is actually one that is good.
he should perhaps discuss and encourage and support her in hijab. ask her why she doesn't wear it, give her the arguments for it, help her to understand it more, tell her how it is a positive thing and that he'll support her in it etc etc. i think that if anyone received correct understanding and encouragement that it would help them to take the first steps on their own.
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