// Should I go?
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« on: Jul 29, 2008 09:29 PM »

Salaam Allaikum

My new granddaughter is due to be born soon and my daughter-in-law has requested me there.
When my granddaughter asked who would be there, when my daughter-in-law didn't mention me,
my granddaughter said, AND GRANDMA, to which my daughter-in-law said she didn't know and
my granddaughter insisted I WOULD be there.

Here's the problem, since my son's and my falling out and since he stopped me seeing my granddaughter
due to his anger (before then I picked her up and took her out and to my house 2 or 3 times a week.
I'm angry still at his treatment and fed up with his behavior toward me which includes verbal and emotional abuse.
When my first granddaughter was born my son was so rude to me in the hospital his own
father-in-law scolded him, as both his father and mother-in-law have done many times over the years
when he treated me rude in their presence. As has my x-husband (father of my sons).

I am at peace being away and keeping my distance but now with the new granddaughter coming, half of me wants to be there and the other half feels why drive a 6 hour round trip to be mistreated.
I already told my daughter-in-law I love her and my granddaughter dearly and will always be there for them, but was quite done with my son till he changed his ways. My life is less stressful with my sons out of it.
I love him and in an emergency I'll be there for him, but that's pretty much it, I avoid him and even
call my daughter-in-law and granddaughter when I know my son is at work.

I'm really dreading going to the hospital the day of the birth (It's a C section so the date has been extablished.)
I really have no desire to be anywhere near my son, but my daughter-in-law and granddaughter want me there.
It would be for their sake and not my own, if I attend.
When my son first told me my first granddaughter was on the way I was so happy and thrilled.
Confession time: When he told me this one was on the way, after we hung up I started to cry and
thought to myself GREAT  Roll Eyes another baby to love that can be used against me as emotional blackmail. Angry
Why even get attached? My heart still ache for all those time my first born granddaughter and I had. gloomy

Yes, I know I can just smile, be there and then leave.
I just dread, knowing how things go, to even put myself in such a situation anymore. purplehijabisis

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« Reply #1 on: Jul 30, 2008 12:05 AM »

Wa Allaykum wa Sallaam wa rahamat ALLAH wa barakatu

      It would sound normal if your daughter in-law was in your son's place .Then I would personally suggest not to go to avoid causing any irritation between your son and his wife .
But its is strange when things are like this .Your son doesn’t want you and his wife wants 
In such cases it is usually because of old story and abhorrence kids keep in their heart for parents in their childhood for some reason they remember but we forget

As parents we are responsible for such wrong performance we might have done to our children when they were under our custody .If that is what is happening  ? then GO .because its not you that is not wanted personally but just old memories he has in his mind is making him react like this  and will vanish as time passes and he goes  deeper in family affairs as a father .But the love for mum is there

If all this is not true but he is just rude and unkind without any reason then DON’T GO 
But before all that pray ISTIKHARAH and ALLAH will lighten the way for you

Massallamah for now


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« Reply #2 on: Jul 30, 2008 12:32 AM »

Salam Alaikum

I think you should be there for the sake of your granddaughter. I grew up without grandparents because they all passed away before I was born and the my only grandma left lives overseas and I have never ever seen her in real life before :'(
But the point is that you CAN be with your granddaughter so dont pass the chance for both of you. You are a blessing for her and she is a blessing for you....Alhamdulilah Smiley
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« Reply #3 on: Jul 30, 2008 04:36 AM »


wow the situation is tough and makes me grrrrrrrr that he uses his own daughters against you. He is not only hurting you but his daughters also! And it has nothing to do with them! 

I reallly think you should go bc your grandaughter wants you there and she has a right over you as you have a right over her.
I totally understand wanting to avoid the situation if you fear he might mistreat you.  Is there not anyway you can talk to him about it before you go? Or can his wife talk to him about it?

Maybe go and take your other son with you? And maybe he will be careful in mistreating you since his inlaws will be there?

If its stresses you out completely and you find no help after trying to talk to everyone, then maybe you can just go visit your grandaughters and daughter n law while hes at work?
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« Reply #4 on: Jul 30, 2008 11:19 AM »


As your DIL wants you there, and as she will need support through this time I would say go.

Remebering what  I was like after giving birth (and I didnt have c-sections), I am still very grateful for all the help and support I received in the aftermath of delivery of both my girls.

Having said that, do not take any rudeness from your son, if he starts, tell him calmly you will not be spoken to in a rude manner, as his mother, you have yourself gone through exactly what his wife is now going through and for that alone you deserve a little respect at least in the way he speaks to you, and remind him, you are doing him a favour for being there, not the other way round.
Then walk away from him (go get coffee or something if he starts at you). Be calm, be firm and be sure in your mind the reason why you are there ie because your DIL wants you there for support and your grandaughter wants you there because she loves you and you are her family.

At some point your son will grow up and realise what he is doing, till then do not take any crap from him. Dont let him walk all over you, be firm in a very polite manner. He has already lost respect from his own in-laws for treating you badly in front of them.

Then just you remember your grandchildren will grow up and they will tell their dad exactly how it is. Hopefully though your son will come to his senses before his own children begin to intervene.

Congrats on the impending new arrival flowersis


And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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