// Tact when dealing with tactless people
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« on: Aug 01, 2008 04:32 AM »


  My situation is sort of complex, but please bare with me.  My father started a business with another brother in our community many years ago.  Shortly there after it became apparent that this brother was not completely honest in his business dealings, and because of this my father eventually came to own this business fully.  Since then this man has on several occasions insulted my father publicly especially at mosque gatherings, Eid Prayers ect.  My father has always taken the highroad when it comes to this brother, he has on several occasions attempted to reconcile with him and make things better to no avail.  I've always stayed out of this because frankly it is not my place.

  Shortly after their business dealings went sour; my father began receiving typewritten notes all written in the same style: threatening him, saying low and nasty things that were not at all true about him.  My father had a sneaking suspicion that his ex-business partner was the man behind these letters.  However it was hard to pin the blame entirely on him since the letters were postmarked from different parts of our state and neighboring states.  However, his feelings were confirmed when a mutual friend casually mentioned that the man had went to visit someone in a certain city, from which, on the same day, another one of these mystery letters was posted.  Not interested in pursuing the matter my father ignored the letters, and eventually the letters stopped, and nobody except for my mom and my dad knew about them.

   Aside from the bad mouthing at masjid functions, we really never heard from this man since then.  However, I recently got married, and my husband and I had asked our guests to donate to an Islamic Charity in place of gifts.  My father invited everyone he knew to my wedding except for this one man and his family.  Shortly before my wedding my mother found a letter in the mailbox very similar to the one my father received years ago.  When we (my mom and I) opened the letter it seemed like a casual note, but as we read on we realized it was a nasty letter, that suggested that my father use me as a prostitute to make more money for the charity we had named.  This upset my mom greatly, but since it was so close to the wedding, I asked her to just throw away the letter without showing it to my dad since it was bound to make him extremely angry.  However, we got another letter today, and it suggested the same thing.  I will ignore this one as well, and I know that this man will have to answer to Allah about his actions.  Additionally, something happy is about to happen in this man's family.  It is something that his entire family has been making dua’ about for a very long time.

   Here's my dilemma, my father in law who is visiting for the better part of the year usually checks our mail.  My father in law is really close to my family and knows the whole story behind my father’s business, additionally my father in law is not as patient or forgiving as my dad. I am afraid that one of these days, my father in law will open up one of these letters and sabotage the happy occasion in this man’s family.  Is this fear unreasonable? Should I warn this man about the consequences of his actions? Part of me says that I shouldn’t care, but masha Allah, the rest of this man’s family is full of really terrific people that I love dearly and really want the best for.


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« Reply #1 on: Aug 01, 2008 04:10 PM »


since you are worried about the family, you can warn him once, and after that whatever he decides, he faces the consequences. 

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« Reply #2 on: Aug 01, 2008 04:23 PM »


I wouldnt warn him at all. If you try to wanr him it may well get you into trouble.

I'd leave it and allow the natural outcome of this to occur. If its a confrontation with your father in law then so be it, he clearly needs to be told in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable.


And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186

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« Reply #3 on: Aug 03, 2008 01:01 AM »

Assalamu Allaykum

  Do his family know about these  letters he has been sending ?and do they know he is that rude and bad to call you prostitute or what ever before that ? Or this is a surprise to them as well if they are informed ?

If they know he is  that type pf person but they have no control over him (useless among the family)then no need to warn him because he is shameless already so nothing he fears
At the same time your ignorance would reveal to him his letters are not making any impact which is a kind of hitting him back with his own bullet

At the meantime,  if  you are assuming such a letter would come into your father in-law's hand ,I would suggest if you discuss  this matter with your father in-law so that it wont be a surprise.This avoids any risky reaction your father would take at a moment of angre .so let him expect and prepare  for the right and wise reaction.

As for yourself about what he says or wants to do ,you can handle the case to ALLAH and leave it .He he never lets you down

Good luck
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« Reply #4 on: Aug 03, 2008 07:26 AM »

i think that's good advice.  your FIL should not get a hold of the letter (nor should he be checking your father's mail, even if they are brothers, but oh well).

i think your father should confront the man.  there's a nice but firm way to do it.  i definitely think he is crossing the line when he calls you a prostitute - and that must be very difficult for your family to see in written form.

your father can take into confidence someone the guy trusts or respects, and the matter can be concluded with one conversation.  and if he continues to write the letters after that, tell him that the matter will be taken to the authorities.  and then follow through with it. get a restraining order (whereby he is not allowed to correspond with you guys in any shape or form) 

adults are usually very good at this kind of thing.  but there needs to be someone else involved.

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« Reply #5 on: Aug 10, 2008 12:07 PM »

 Salam alaikum wrb,

  Honorable sister,

   For business disputes, or any other transactions, it is encumbant on one to bring the issue in front of
a knowledgable imam, who could make a judgment based on Allah's commands, and not follow one's own
personal judgement. What Allah and His Messenger ordained is what is right and correct, not personal views.
After the judgement, one must accept it completely and wholeheartedly, and not fall into disobedience of the ordainments of Allah.

   For the letters, after reading them, you should not let them bother you and affect you psychologically and emotionally, especially prolonged, but know that you are honorable in the sight of Allah, because you are obedient to Him, and follow His commands and ordainments. You should forget about these letters and don't let them bother you, and concentrate on learning the deen of Allah.

    May Allah bless your recent marriage, and join you two together with goodness.

    And Allah knows

   Salam alaikum


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Take a look at my site:  http://www.tajwid.info

Also a good site with several mp3 durus of beneficial knowledge from our ulema, fiqh explaining the book "bulgh Maram" , Q&A, http://www.imamfaisal.com
ume bilal
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« Reply #6 on: Sep 13, 2008 05:44 PM »

Assalam Ailkum.
Why not return them unopened to this person...If he gets all his mail back he might give up!!!
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