// About my marriage
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« on: Aug 21, 2008 06:38 AM »


assalam alkium everyone.

I am having a really hard time right now with my marriage (i've been married a yr. now). I dont know who to talk to this about, mainly because I am very embarressed. my husband looks at porn almost everyday and even though i tell him that i dont like it and that it upsets me-he still does it. he tries to be sneaky about it, but i have ways of checking the nondeleted history.
i do everything possible to make sure he's happy in the bedroom by trying new things, but he still does it. i've told him how disrespectful it is to me, but he doesnt care.also i feel he's getting a false way how women look if that makes sense. what can i do? please someone help me!

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« Reply #1 on: Aug 21, 2008 11:15 AM »

i'm sorry to say this, but this is VERY common amongst muslim men.  how do i know?  i worked briefly with battered women in pakistan, and this was one of the things they mentioned most often.  even within the staff, this opened up discussions on their own marriages - it was really shocking.  after that, i became tuned into women's marital problems, and even in north american circles, women are battling this on a daily basis.

now, honestly, if you go to an imam (because i have asked a few) they will tell you to try to encourage him to stop looking at porn, and to try to satisfy him.  they will tell your husband it is haram and should strictly be avoided.  but they will not tell you to separate from him on this basis.  wallahu alam. 

even if this act is then followed by another haram act (which i won't mention), they may still not advise you to separate from him. 

all the women i've spoken to feel left out, degraded, humiliated, embarrassed etc. by this.  all of their husbands try to hide it, and all these women then turn into spies.  which leads to further humiliation, if you ask me.  a friend of mine would keep inventory on her husband's condoms, and would then confront him if one was missing.  this would normally turn into an ugly fight, and she showed me two bruises on each arm from where he had restrained her.

another friend, who got married very young, said that her husband made her watch a porn movie on their wedding night because he couldn't get turned on without it. she thought it was a normal part of all marriages until much later.

really strenuous

unfortunately or fortunately, it IS your husband's problem.  it's not you, at all.  he's addicted to it, much like an alcoholic.  if you catch him in a good moment, i would suggest convincing him to go for counseling (islamic, because all of this is very much acceptable in the western culture).  try to let him know that you want to help him. 

also, i wouldn't shy away from telling him that he has a problem (because he does). let him know HOW negative it is.

because it is an individualistic problem, as long as he is convinced it is wrong and as long as he wants to change it, you should encourage him to.  if he isn't convinved, let him know (i'm sure someone here will be kind enough to cite some islamic literature). just like alcohol, though, this can have a very negative effect on a marriage.

my first friend  is divorced.  she doesn't tell everyone, but she's mentioned it to me, the primary reason was the porn. 

on the brighter side, people recover from all sorts of addictions. it depends on your husband's willpower and determination.  it's not a lost case, it's just very, VERY difficult.

with duaas... for real.

wasalaam.   
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« Reply #2 on: Aug 22, 2008 02:46 AM »

And it's not just Muslim men, it's many men.
My advice would be to ignore it.
Cause the more you fuss over it, the more it will cause hard feelings on both ends.
Start thinking of ways in physical appearance and manor that you can be more pleasing and
exciting to your husband and work with that, more so than with being upset.
He's going to just try hiding it more, the more you fuss.
Pray and leave it in Allah hands.
As brash as it may sound a wise old lady once told me,
Doesn't matter where your man gets his appetite, as long as he eats at home  Embarrassed
Kind of brash, yet kind of true.
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« Reply #3 on: Aug 22, 2008 07:53 AM »

Asalamualaikum wrt wb,


All praise be to Allah.


Honorable sister,

You should try your best to get your husband to quit this harmful and forbidden addiction.  Read Quran in the house, listen to beneficial lectures together, and try to print out some beneficial articles for your husband in regards to this problem and how to quit.

  The scholars also recommend:

1.)  Putting the computer in a central place in the house, in front of everyone who passes by.

2.)  Reminding your husband of death, and that it will destroy all pleasures...ask him if he would like to die while committing that sin.  How would the angels take his soul?

3.)  Encouraging your husband to lower his gaze and not go to malls and other places where there is undressing and tabarruj.  Instead, encourage him to go the the Masjid and listen to the beneficial lectures there.

If your husband realizes he has a problem, but is having difficulty quitting, then the problem can be resolved with the help of Allah, inshaAllah. 



And Allah knows best.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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« Reply #4 on: Aug 22, 2008 08:08 AM »

Walaykumassalam sister,

May Allah Ta'ala make this situation easy on you and your husband and may He Azawajal replace each negative moment with an endless moment of goodness, ameen.

The following is a link to a LONG article, there seems to be a lot of helpful advice contained within.

http://muslimmatters.org/2007/08/19/pornogrpahy-addiction-among-muslims-stories-tips/

Inshallah this may may be of use.

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« Reply #5 on: Aug 22, 2008 10:15 PM »

salaam

Ok I know Jannah posted an article once on this and the husband was saying that the only thing that would help is getting rid of the internet ...which he did but then got it back.

Also I was going through the site the above person posted on muslim matters and the same solution the people said helped was getting rid of the internet completely.

My advice is get rid of the internet. If you really need it for information or some work go to the library! You cannot do sin there.

And I dont understand why it is so hard to do this? There are many many people in the US who dont have internet and they are doing perfectly fine. It is not a NEED.  generations have lived without and so can we. Especially if you have a problem and you know the only way you can stop is to get rid of the net, then get rid of the net!

Im sorry its very upsetting how people are saying its so hard, its an addiction, they cant help it, they feel realy bad about it, they have tried prayers and everything and then they admit getting rid of the net only helps. Then how come you haven t got rid of the net?! is it worth hurting your family?!

I mean whats more important, your marriage or the net?  I dont understand, its a huge sacrifice to get rid of the net even if it means extremely hurting your family members?Huh? And yes Im understanding the hurt may be extreme since the wife on muslim matters was saying how sometims she would wish to have a car accident on purpose.

I think imams (if this is a problem ) should order the husband to get rid of the internet.  After that there is no excuse.
Im sorry above for changing the subject, I didnt really know how common a problem this was or anything bout it till the article jannah posted. Im a little shocked myself, before I would ignore the subject def not somthing interested in reading, too disgusting.  but im seeing that more and more people are asking about this and are having this problem. So I went ahead and read jannahs article as its good to be informed. AFter reading  Im just annoyed that people are willing to make that lil sacrifice for the marriage.

First of all though I think you should talk about it, let him earn your trust. Be understanding but dont minimize the situation. Because that will not help. Isnt it same as committing adultery as the prophet pbuh said that you can committ with your eyes also.  I think one brother on muslimmatters was saying that recognizing that there is no excuse and its haram plain and simple helped. Recognizing the fact that you are only doing it for your own desires or something like that.

Anyway go through that link that Ikramuddin posted (JazakAllahu kair) , its really interesting and it has lots and lots of advice, scroll down ect.

I agree dont nag but also dont ignore it. Bring it up during good times. or after listening to islamic lecture or somthing .

May Allah swt help your husband get rid of this habit and may He help you deal with it and may you have a happy and peaceful marriage.
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« Reply #6 on: Aug 22, 2008 10:26 PM »

salaam

ok I reread your post. Yes it makes sense that you may feel he may get a false way how woman look. I learned in psychology that men who constantly look at model magazines expect or want their wives to look lik e that. they do get the false image inmind. i dont want to scare you but i do understand your fear.

But i will tell you dont fear, trust in Allah swt. dua can change everything. worry will only cause anxiety. read the anxiety prayer.

As for what you can do is I did write some advice on the above post but rereading your post I think its imp to mention some other things.
First when you earn his trust he may tell you his true feelings of if he regrets it or cant help it or doesnt like too ect.  Is he willing to 'try ' to get rid of this habit.  Before you find this out first let him know nicely your fears about him getting a 'false expression' and how much its hurting you and how wrong it is . Let him know. Be open about it. Dont accuse by saying 'you, you , you' but mention 'I' like ' I feel scared, or I feel hurt ect'
second after you discover hes willing to try (he may be now that he knows how bad its affectin gyou and future family and himself)  think of solutions together that might help inshAllah.
Dont make it a one day process.. slowly tell him and encourage him to quit ect.
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« Reply #7 on: Aug 23, 2008 07:23 AM »

the internet is not the only source of pornography. 

plus, i remember my mom chucked the internet out of the house many, many times when we were studying, because she would find us (mainly my little brother and i) wasting our time, chatting with friends, etc etc.  except, we were her kids, and no matter how much we would fuss and fight, we couldn't do anything about it.  i don't think she could have just snipped the cable (like literally, one time, with scissors Smiley  ) if it was my dad who was addicted to the net.

by getting rid of the computer (which is definitely a short term solution), you're just eliminating one avenue, but not really addressing the problem. personally, i think people with this problem need professional therapy.  the only way to quit a bad habit is cold turkey, with tremendous support and sometimes, tough love.
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« Reply #8 on: Aug 23, 2008 07:20 PM »

salaam.. yes but it is a temp solution and who knows it could become long term.

Also there was some other solution in muslimmatters that said you can get some sort of software where you cant look at those type of sites and the wife should be the only one with the password.
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« Reply #9 on: Aug 23, 2008 10:22 PM »

salam

If you're going to take steps yourself to restrict his home viewing, how about using the parental controls on your internet security programme, he won't be able to access such sites in that case once you turn on the parental controls and put a password on it to prevent him from changing the settings back. However this may just lead ot more arguments and rancour.

Also, if he wants to continue viewing these things he will, you can't make him stop if he is not unhappy with this habit.

I can well believe how utterly horrendous you must be finding it, if your husband seems to think that which he views is what a normal woman should be like and want to be treated like.

I have no constructive advice I'm sorry to say.



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #10 on: Aug 25, 2008 06:48 PM »

Aslama Alaikum,

I am sad to agree it is alot of men, not just Muslim men...

is your husband "practicing," does he pray etc? Whereas it may be an addiction, if he cares as a Muslim should care... then I"d address it from that angle. i think in a non-angry way discuss it with him.. of course it is haram and really examine, he needs to, why does he look at it? I know men are visual, but not all men do. For some its an addiction, for others its like they are not thinking..

Yes you can restrict it through parental controls etc.. and you know what.. good for you, yes he may find a way, but not in your home and the place you live.. I'd be angry it was brought into the place I live which should be a sanctuary from that junk.  You won't be able to control him, he is a grown adult, but you have the right to not have it in your home.

If you really need it for information or some work go to the library! You cannot do sin there.

I was in a public libary and guy was sitting right there watching it.. it was GROSS.. guess they had not locked it out yet.. sad to say. 
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« Reply #11 on: Aug 26, 2008 02:05 AM »

I fear the 'getting rid of the internet' idea is not going to work.
#1) He is a grown man and you can't be mothing a grown man and telling him he can't have
internet. It will bring more resentment.

#2) Sadly, there are always books and magazines if you get rid of the internet.

#3) Do you really want to nag, mother or threaten a GROWN man?

I didn't mean to be brash earlier, but I do know men.
I was the only sister, only female cousin, raised only son's and
have been married more than once.
Men resent women telling them, what they can and cannot do.
They already know right from wrong. Hounding them won't help.

My suggestions, if you aren't trying it already, try dressing more appealing
at home, sometimes women tend to get a 'frumpy' look after getting married,
we call it comfort. My son in private has told me he is tied of coming home to his wife in sweats
all the time.

If you catch your husband looking, why not do something suggestive and
walk up behind him and say something like.
"UMMMM you think that's so great to look at, well LOOK AT THIS  Embarrassed Shocked Embarrassed

Before I became Muslim and some of the women friends I knew would complain
about their husbands lack of attention, affection or wondering eyes.
One friend of my who had 5 children and been married for years?
I took her children out to a movie and suggested when I left with the kids, she go put on
that dress her husband loved, (with no undergarments) and go sit on his lap.
(Pre Muslims days) another friend of mine would do silly things, one Holloween she went out the back door
with just an over coat and went and rang her own door bells.
When her husband answered she opened the coat and said 'Trick or Treat'   Shocked

I don't mean to sound rude, nor brash, but change the playing field.
Cause most men do not like a bossy or fussing wife. Even if they are doing wrong.
Best wishes, May Allah make things easy for you and help the situation for both you
and your husband.
Please forgive me if I have been to crass. purplehijabisis
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« Reply #12 on: Aug 26, 2008 06:56 PM »

well I think there is a misunderstanding here. I never said the wife should 'order', 'threaten', or 'control' the husband.

I said 'look for solutions together' and I said most of the guys agreed ' that getting rid of the internet is what helped'

If the imam sais it then it is not coming from the wife but it is coming from a man who they respect and went to for a solution. 

and by the way I was getting these suggestions from that site which men are going through this, men themselves are the ones who suggestied about the controls.

Im not sure why your against it when the men themselves are the ones who suggested the controls?

Another you cannot blame the woman at all. the women have testified that they do everything to seduce the man . most of these men get this habit before they get married. And contrary to what some beleive she cannot 'change' his addiction .

it is not her fault at all. And the men even testify that the wives do everything to get their attention turned away from the net but its not the woman , it is them.

It just like domestic voilence. the woman is not making him angry.. it is just the way he thinks. its his problem.

you should not blame or give her advice bc she is already usually blaming her self and im sure she is doing everything to attract him. It is absoluutely not her. And again even the men say this , only the men who dont want to or dont care to change are the ones who blame their wives.
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« Reply #13 on: Aug 27, 2008 05:08 AM »

I was not blaming her.  Huh?
I didn't say she was the cause, I simply gave advice from my knowledge and opinions.
No matter what a man or woman does, they themselves are ultimately
responsable for their own actions. Neither wife nor husband will be able to intervene on
judgement day.
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Oh Allah, Guide us to the Straight Path.


« Reply #14 on: Aug 28, 2008 11:20 PM »

Asalamualaikum wrt wb,



All praise be to Allah. 

From the rights of a husband on his wife is that she makes herself attractive for him.  This zeena(beauty and charms) that Allah placed in women is especially for her husband, and it is his right by virtue of the marriage contract.

I do know of some men who turned to this habit because of their wives being restrictive and controlling in this regard.  A wife adorning herself for her husband is highly rewarding and from the Sunnah.

The point is that the husband and the wife should cooperate with and help each other in keeping each other chaste.  This is one of the primary goals of marriage.


And Allah knows best.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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« Reply #15 on: Aug 28, 2008 11:30 PM »

salam

Why were the men looking at these things for in the first place?

If they're unhappy, they could, divorce, take another wife, encourage their wives to be better adorned for them ie help around the house, dress nicely themselves etc?

Turning to porn because ones wife does not adorn herself for her husband is plain lame, right up there with the excuse for men having affairs because their wives do not understand them.

They do it because they can and people will make excuses for this type of disgusting behaviour and blame the wife who is going insane tryig to run a household and gain her husbands attention.

I doubt very much that an inattentive wife would lead a decent man straight to porn websites, porn hardly depicts normal behaviour/images!


Btw sister BlessedGrandma, your ideas are really cute, but I guess they'd only work with a man who wanted to work on his marriage and drop the porn habit.

No man is going to change unless he himself wants to.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #16 on: Aug 29, 2008 01:59 AM »

It kind of threw me when someone mentioned blaming the wife. Huh?
There was no blame, just suggestions.
Grown men already know right from wrong and resent being told they're doing wrong.
It just causes more friction and discontent.
Think about it, when we know wer doing wrong what makes us more angry?
When someone brings it to our attention and to light?
So rather than whine about it, my advice is to fight fire with fire. Shocked Wink
Telling a grown man to pray and getting rid of the internet is more motherly than wifely in my opinion.
We are not their mothers, we are their partners.
And that is just an opinion, grant it, it is the opinion of a women whose been raise in a total male household
(brother, male cousins) but also a women who raised sons and who has been married,
but none the less, just my opinion.

When I was married I liked only encouraging movies, however my husband at the time, liked
blood, guts, action and gore movies  Undecided
Here is what  I told him and maybe it would work in this case also.
I went to him and told me even just hearing from the next room when I was not actually watching,
hearing such stuff disturbed me greatly.It caused mymood to be unsettled.
I also told him, I respected his rights as a grown man to watch what he pleased even though I totally disagreed
with such etertainment.There is a world full of violence out there, why pay to see it? Huh?
So if he wanted to watch such things could he do it in another room with ear plugs or when I wasn't home.
Guess what sisters? The week after he sold and gave away all his 'ugly'movies.
You see I didn't whine, nor complained, nor restricted, nor fussed.
I simply told him how it effeced me and I wasn't going to tell him what he as a grown man
coud watch, however if he could enjoy his entertaiment out of my sight and hearing,
Iwould be most appreciative. Can you imagine my shock when he got rid of them
all on his own?

My advice to the sister? Go to him an tell him, he is a grown man and can do as he pleases, however him looking at
porn offends and saddens you and if he needs to look, please make sure he does so where you don't see or hear it and are not subjectedto it, if he could do this out of respect for you, you'd appreciate it.
THEN (hehe) go put on something sexy and snuggle into his arms and show him something he not 'only' can look at, but can he can also touch. Shocked
I'd love to see this post in the sisters only section where we can discuss this amoung sisters
without feeling we aren't being modest and really talk this subject out. (hint hint)
Signed,
Dr. Ruth, Phil, Blessedgrandma, the local old lady crass sister purplehijabisis
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