The reason others tell you to concern yourself only with tha daughter's happiness, do so becaoz this is the major way Shaytan has deluded us.happiness,
if they find it in drugs
What you write, gives us a better understanding of your daughter and you, and the better for us to make suggestions suited to the occasion. Your last post made a lot of things clearer. In fact I wrote out a question, but you have already answered in the previous post, so I deleted that Q.
I, on the other hand, write too much, but it is to explain my reasoning, so others can refute it if they find is faulty. I also want to explore alternatives when the information leads to more than one possibility.
You have been doing you best in the society you live in, and even the best of people are to be tested. This particular test is being faced by many, and as I said earlier, not only in the West but in Muslim countries as well. The only thing you could do additionally (if you are not doing it already) is to do istekhara for every step you take.
As sister Fozia wrote, you must re-establish communication between mother and daughter without giving up the central prohibition. You bring her to the state when she starts asking God to guide her.
Allah guides those who seek guidance.
Stop worrying about negative outcomes. Quite often we imagine the worst, and the worst happens. We have brought it upon ourselves.
Use positive thinking.
Our deen says you make dua, consider your options to the best of your ability, decide on a course of action based ideally on istekhara, and work consistently towards it. You should have the conviction that Allah is all powerful and WILL make this happen. If one makes astaghfaar in abundance, Allah (swt) solves the problem through an hitherto unthought-of route, and I have experience of that.
1. You said the last time you had a talk with your daughter about this guy was when she was at college (and a teenager), and that you and your husband forbade her from continuing to see this man until he converts genuinely... Now she is in her thirties, and you have discovered that she is seeing him.
I feel she does not want to break with her family, but at the same time she thinks we will eventually give in.
These two above do not add up,
Q1: How can she feel no. 2 when for more than a decade you two haven't talked of this bf? as far as she is concerned you are not aware of the continuing liaison.
Q2: When did she give up saying Salah and Fasting? A mother would notice living in the same house.
Q3: Does she ever smell of alcohol when she comes back? If so, you can use this as a reason for your suspicion that she has been lying.
Q4: How long ago after your forbidding her, did you discover that she has again been seeing him? Was it last year, five years ago, or what? Did you not get suspicious when she refused the offers of marriage,
One way the points 1 and 2 can add up is if your daughter has been leaving hints for you so that you talk about the topic you two have been avoiding. Thus the leaving the computer on with the email open, could be that sort of hint to you.
Most people (although not all) need and respond to physical demonstration of love, especially when they are confused. A child is comforted when a mother kisses a hurt knee. When we get older, the children get self-conscious and the parents get afraid that the child will mind. If you daughter does not have a revulsion to this, give her a mother's physical touch. Kiss her, hug her, do whatever mothers do when they express their love to their children. Male children may feel awkward when they get older, females often respond positively.
I know she wants to get married and have children … She has not had any other boyfriends.
This implies (I hope I am wrong) that having other boyfriends would have been accetable in your circle.
When you bring up the subject of her lying, do not be afraid. Before that show ample love to her. You can say that she is lying because mothers always know. You can say that you cannot explain it, it may be a mother's instinct, but there are subtle hints that tell you she is lying. Just do not be specific, i.e. do not say that you know she spent such and such time with him, or did such and such with him. Just say you know from a mother's intuition that she is still seeing him.
Will you be willing to let her burn in Hell while you hold your peace here for the fear that she will go away?
If you are still in two minds, do Istekhara. And Istekhara is by saying two nawafil and making the dua for one of the options. The method is given in Jannah's pages. You will find it on my blog, too. Be firm in whatever your mind settles on, and believe that Allah (swt) WILL bring your daughter back to Islam and give her a good Muslim husband.
She has already accepted that any children would be taught Greek in the OC. That conversation took place more than ten years ago. A lot has happened between then and now. So, the possibility of a church wedding may also have become acceptable to her, particularly now that she has even given up the shahada.
This is why the questions I ask about the timings are important. The answers will establish a trend, a rate of acceptance/giving in to the bf's demands, and by extrapolation we may judge how far gone she already is and how much time we have before she goes for the final break. I do ot know what is holding her back, as the biological clock is ticj=king fast. I suspect it is coming to a head soon. That one week's holiday could be the one where they go for a marriage, unless there have been other holidays of such a long duration where the cover has been provided by that so-called Muslim friend.
Is there anything that can be used to persuade that friend to desist from supporting your daughter? Many people are themselves afraid, particularly if their spouses are brought in the picture. All it takes is a warning that if they continue, they themselves will be exposed. I have used such a threat to get rid of undesirable interference in my lifre that had almost destroyed my marriage.
She refers to herself as Muslim, that is a good sign, but does not say the shahada? This is illogical. Shahada is what separates a Muslim from a non-Muslim. She is either on the brink of giving up Islam in order to marry her bf, or she still has an attachment to Islam, or she is confused.
The reference to herself as a Muslim is a good sign. Some day she will come back, insha`Allah.
? Believe strongly that Allah WILL bring her back, and everything will be all right
? Show your love for her physically and emotionally, and in whatever way you think she will respond positively.
? Try sister Fozia's suggestion.
? Do istekhara for the change in approach I suggested in my previous post
? Stop being afraid
? Consider the option of telling the cousins/friends that you will expose them if they persist in calling your daughter to Hell.
If this does not work, I may ask you to let go of her, but not in the way she would like. On your terms. and they will be that as you have discovered her lying. she can do whatever she likes. She will find your doors open, but only when she repents and comes back, for she will come back. Sometimes the poison is the medicine.
With that, again you will ask her to keep seeking guidance from God.
But this medicime is not for now.