// Annoying people
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Author Topic: Annoying people  (Read 2295 times)
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« on: Aug 30, 2008 03:39 PM »

A new muslim girl has recently moved into my neighborhood. I was introduced to her thru her first acquaintence in the city, who I happen to know very well. 
Turns out that this new girl is unfortunately really annoying. So much so that no one wants to meet her, and in my ladies' circles people openly make fun of her whether she is around or not. To top it off her husband is extremely antisocial and he doesn't want to meet any of our husbands.  We invited them to a party at our house, and he declined giving my husband the excuse that he doesn't interact with too many people at once.
Anyway, I later found out that he hadn't even informed his wife that they were invited until the night of the party. 
For some reason, she thinks we're best friends. She calls me every day, will drop off food at my doorstep, ring the doorbell and run away...fine she only did that once. If we ever meet at someone else's house (we have a halaqa once a week), she'll sit while holding my hand, or lean her head on my shoulder.  We usually have small snacks, which we help ourselves to on a normal basis, but she will jump up and take stuff out on a plate and then tell me it's for me. Then she watches me eat, telling everyone she's on a diet. She has started asking me where I shop, and has bought some identical outfits.  I invited her to lunch with 4 other ladies.  The following week she did the same, and had the exact same menu.  A few times at the beginning, she asked me what I was up to, and when I told her I'm going grocery shopping, she would come along because she can't drive. But then she commented on every single item I purchased. Now I don't tell her where I'm going, but she'll walk by my house and call the following day, "ur car wasn't at home yesterday, where were you?"  She buys me stuff all the time (like little pieces of jewellry, or ornaments). When I return the favor to even it out, she'll return the stuff and say "my husband won't like it."
She's just really very annoying.  I've tried hinting it to her that she's invading my personal space. As soon as I do that, the next day she will phone me and cry about something that has happened in her life. Usually these are not earth shattering events: she's had a fight with her husband, she burned her hand while frying something, her back hurts, she lost something important.  I am not mean to her, because everyone else is, but I really find my patience wearing pretty thin. 
I've only known this girl for 1 month, but she is driving me crazy. I feel that I will snap someday and say something horrible to her.
I just had a baby, and while she has been married longer she is childless. She will cry on end about this. I feel horrible for her and try to help her by listening to her and giving her duaas to recite, but then she very easily tells me I have no idea what I'm talking about. I know she's sensitive about it, but I just can't handle her coming over and examining every possession my baby has, or her saying things like, "you must be tired of taking care of him all day, let me hold him." I feel horrible, but I hate it.
I really need some space from this girl. What do you guys suggest? 
« Reply #1 on: Aug 30, 2008 06:26 PM »


I believe you really need to have a str8 talk with this girl. Be nice but tell her upfront what she is doing annoying and tell her exactly what.

You might be surprised by her answer, like the fact she really does not know what she does is bothering you, she just needs a friend or something.

Anyway have a talk with her, dont just start ignoring her or anything. Tell her that you need to talk to her about some important things and invite her over for tea or something.

I know you dont want to her hurt her feelings but I think if you are open with her it will her hurt her feelings less then if you all of a sudden ignore her or something without telling her what went wrong.

hope all works out!

« Reply #2 on: Aug 30, 2008 10:24 PM »

Aww.. I understand you are annoyed by her, but I feel bad for this girl.

Maybe she's in an unhappy marriage with an abusive husband and she is just so lonely she is reaching out to whoever she can and you seem like a kind face.

All her actions look like she is trying to be sweet and win you over, not that she's trying to be annoying. Are you American and she's foreign? Sometimes women in other countries are a lot closer and have a lot less personal space than Americans so it may simply be cultural?

I know some of the things Turkish women do (my husband is Turkish) are strange to me.. In Turkey it is completely normal to drop by your friend's house unannounced, also it's considered polite and kind to bring them food, have less personal space, hug and kiss, even.

She sounds really sweet and I wish I could do something to help her. I can imagine she is probably really lonely and going through something bad right now. My own husband can be quite cruel sometimes and stingy with his affection. I myself, get lonely quite a bit, but I'm a loner type most of the time so I don't "attach" as much as she does. I've also been married three years and don't have any children because of my weight and my husband is always berating me about it.. So maybe I can put myself in her shoes and understand what she may be going through.

It sounds like you are doing your best to be kind, and if you are annoyed, I'm sure you don't CHOOSE to be, you just ARE. The best thing I can suggest is to try taking her places outside your circle of friends. Maybe find a women's group at a mosque, a knitting circle, a cultural group if she's foreign, something like that.. Maybe there she'll make some new friends and then you can just stop going.

I commend you for being patient with her and I like to think Allah (swt) sees your kindness, patience and intention to this sister even though it's stressing you out.

Insha'Allah you will find a way to remedy this situation without causing her pain or you annoyance.
« Reply #3 on: Aug 31, 2008 04:55 PM »

I have to agree with the advice on being frank with her and if need be ask her if there is something wrong.  Tell her that it is not necessary to give you gifts - even small ones nor prepared food.  And since you have a little one there is nothing wrong with using the excuse that you are too tired for company or lengthy phone calls.  Set up ground rules - such as call before coming over; you only entertain company between certain hours.

I don't agree with the other women talking about her but if none like her and all have the same gripe then there is a real problem and so it may be necessary for a group to speak with her and find out what is the matter.  Speak in a non-confrontration way.  Perhaps even as part of a halaqa there can be discussion on manners and interpresonal ettiquette; in this way it's not directly aimed at her but serves as a learning/teaching opportuniy for everyone.  Whenever there is a halaqa and the time for food arrives be sure to get up before she does and prepare your own plate if you are planning to eat and should she still beat you there try not accepting the plate (I know it's a shame to waste food but by continuing to eat it when she prepares you a plate only continues to encourage her to keep doing it).

Considering that you said her husband is antisocial and doesn't want to meet the other men my gut reaction is there is something "not right" with the pair of them.  Sure shyness may be a factor or even a phobia of crowds but the bond of brother/sisterhood is something we should cherish.  So on the husband the brothers should focus on that.

You are not obligated to tell her where you are going nor where you have been.  And the "I noticed your car wasn't there" sadly sounds more like bordering on stalking.  Even if your car is there you are under no obligation to answer your door nor your phone.  I tell people all the time that just because they see my car doesn't mean I'm home and that just because they don't see my car doesn't mean I'm out.   And even when I'm home I let my machine answer all my calls (yes I screen my calls) and if I'm catching a rare nap I don't get up and answer my door unless I feel like it. 

Don't allow yourself to be "bullied" or suckered into being her only friend.
« Reply #4 on: Aug 31, 2008 07:45 PM »


You have a new baby and your still making nice with this lady?

If you want to spend time with her do so, if not just say nows not a good time and dont bother elaborating, you have a life. If she comes round and says 'Oh you must be tired let me hold him' say 'No its not the holding him that tires me, its the household chores, and then ask her to tidy up, wash your dishes, maker you dinner...' I am utterly serious, if she wants to help give her something useful to do and if she doesnt like it maybe she'll disappear. 

If you feel beholden to her because of her gifts, politely decline saying your husband does not approve as she never accepts any gifts from you, and you dont wish to anger your husband.

She sounds a bit single white female to me.

« Reply #5 on: Sep 12, 2008 03:25 PM »

As-Salaamu `alaykum,
Dear Sister,

Well, I agree try talking to her; acknowledging the unspoken tension between you might help ease it a bit. But don't present her with a laundry list of grievances; you don't want to get a nice conversation going only to derail it by reminding her how annoying she was at the grocery store.

Rather, point out bothersome things she says or does in the moment ... share with her your feelings and how it makes you feel when she does those things ect., talk to her without lecturing her, and maybe she'll hear you out.

You could let the friendship run its course, but maybe the answer is just to limit your contact with her ... becuase we all have friends whom we like in small doses, who are too maddening to have around on a regular basis and that's just the way it is.

I hope this helps,
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