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« on: Aug 31, 2008 11:21 PM »


Asslamo Alaykum,Firstly, let me begin by saying Ramadan Mubarak to all the sisters and brothers. May Allah swt help us to strengthen our Imaan in this blessed month.I know it's been quite a while since I sort of dissappeared, but I'm back again  :-*In brief... this is how things have turned out for me so far... I put my divorce on hold after praying to Allah swt and hoped and prayed that I was doing the right thing for myself and my children.  I reintroduced my husband to my children and tried to get them to rebuild their relationship which is still ongoing.I started speaking with him again too which I must say wasn't easy but I thought I had to try, we have not started to live together again as I needed to see if the changes that he said were true and how he reacts to us in different situations.  Even though he isn't living with me and the children at present he still manages to argue with me at least once a week which then results in me having to ask him to leave the house as the children are always there to witness it which I don't want.  This then ends up with us not speaking to each other again and when he comes to see the children I keep out of the way!Now all that keeps going through my mind is What have I done? I don't think he can change and I so much wanted to believe he had, now I'm more confused than I was before!  Roll Eyes

Walaikum Salaam
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Remembrance of Allah is the true source of peace..


« Reply #1 on: Aug 31, 2008 11:51 PM »

May I ask what his problems were that you are trying to get him to change?

Is he a religious man?

If the answer is yes, perhaps he can use this month of Ramazan to reflect on things that are TRULY important in this world and the next.  bropraying

I'd like to say, "don't give up, people CAN change.. IF they want to and IF they are willing to put in the effort". However, if he was physically abusive or hurt your kids.. That's a different story. Even those people CAN change (a miracle, really!), but sometimes the risk involved simply isn't worth it.

A case in point:

Years ago, my aunt married a man who turned out to be an alcoholic. I think he was really her first love and some would like to say she married "below her station", but she loved him and they ended up having three children.

The alcohol addiction (as it often does) put tremendous strain on their relationship. He was always functional in ways that he was able to go to work, but when he came home he would hit the bottle.. When he drank he became cruel and both verbally AND physically abusive. He would beat up my aunt and scream and curse at her and the kids.. It was really a very toxic environment for both her and the children.

Anyhow, she put up with this for YEARS.. Far longer than she should have! For a long time he refused to get help and of course this had mental repercussions for my aunt and children. One of my cousins, the daughter, became so shy she would barely speak to anyone.. The physical abuse and drinking (and smoking) were also horrible examples for the children. From all the stress, my aunt began smoking and drinking and I believe all the pain in her life with trying to save her marriage and family (including her husband who was off the deep end) nearly died from cirrhosis of the liver.

Now, for the past few years, miraculously my aunt has made a full recovery, her husband has also stopped drinking due to some faith based meetings he attends on a VERY regular basis.. I mean, he goes RELIGIOUSLY. (they are Catholic based, but I'm speaking as to the power of religion in the life of those who believe) He has once again become the man she married (albeit older!), and the family is recovering from the years of turmoil they faced. My uncle now preaches regularly to those who are drinking and have problems and the trials he went through have turned him into a good man. It was the alcohol and lack of self-control that poisoned his mind. They are planning another wedding (they never got divorced) in the near future since he asked her to marry him again since he is a "new man".

Now, I'm NOT saying at all that this is what you should do. I would have certainly advised her to leave him when he first became abusive.. In many cases this would have turned out much worse, possibly even deadly or permanently damaging to the minds of those involved.. His case was also rare and he still needs to keep on his toes.

My mother's husband also had addiction problems which he was able to conquer due to faith based counseling..

I suppose the point I AM trying to make, or rather to reiterate, is that people can SOMETIMES change, but they have a MUCH better chance of that if they are in some kind of faith-based group setting and only if they CONTINUE to work at it through attending meetings and/or talking to someone.

Since I don't know what your husband's issues were/are, I would advise you to think about several things (which I'm sure you have done, of course!):

- Is he religious? Sometimes this is the only saving grace a person has as far as recovery from destructive behavior.
- If so, is he willing to try faith based counseling of some sort? (AA is often thought to be Christian but it's actually non-denominational)
- Is he physically or verbally abusive? Basically, is he a danger to you and/or your children?

Though your efforts at keeping the family together are commendable..Divorce is a HORRIBLE thing to happen to children, but better than being scared for your life and growing up mentally scarred and unable to form healthy relationships.. If he's not religious and has no belief.. I feel the chances are much slimmer.  Sad

Sincerely wishing you and your family the best of luck.

I try to remember to count my blessings each day because I have many:

To be thankful for my health, and that of my loved ones, the presence of my husband and the continuation of our marriage, that we can pay our bills and have food on the table..

So many blessings but often, so little thanks!
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« Reply #2 on: Sep 01, 2008 07:04 PM »

salam


Sweetie, you have to do as much as you feel reasonable to save a marriage.

It takes a lot of courage and determination to walk away, theres always an element whilst going through a divorce of better the devil you know.
You just haven't reached your limit yet I guess.

And he may change, it may work out.


Love & Duaas

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #3 on: Sep 02, 2008 04:07 AM »

salaam

you guys should really try professional counceling. It has saved alot of marriages.
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« Reply #4 on: Sep 02, 2008 09:22 PM »

Asslamo Alaykum,

Just wanted to say Sis Leylanur the problems between me and my husband were to do with domestic violence.  He has beaten me plenty of times more so than I can remember, and I as stupid as I may be keep giving him chance after chance in hope that he will change and me and the children can be a 'happy' family. 

Sis Fozia Thanks for your kind words again, hope things are ok with you.  I don't know what Allah swt has planned for me and my children but I can only do dua that it's better than we have had to bear so far!

And finally Sis Blackrose, Although my husband would go for counselling and he would let everyone know about it too, it wouldn't make nay difference to him or the way he speaks or acts in the long run.  Apparently he has been to Anger Management, and at the time I was told it has helped him he doesn't get angry and if he does he knows how to control it, however, I'm still waiting to see the results because so far I have seen him getting angry over the smallest of things and making a huge issue out of it.   Huh?

Love and Duaa's

Walaikum salaam x
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