// Husband is out of control
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Anonymous
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« on: Sep 01, 2008 08:53 PM »


Hello Medinans. Please help because I do not know what to do. My husband has some problems I think. He is a very angry man, everything makes him crazy. I understand he is under much pressure with work and money and I am trying to help him but it seems nothing is good enough.

This morning for suhor I asked him what he wanted and he said whatever. I said I am heating up the soup for myself and some bread is that okay? He said yes. Then I heated up the bread and soup and brought it to him and asked did he want anything else and he got so angry. He said are you stupid is this all I'm supposed to eat? I said well what do you want and he got more angry where he pushed me into the bedroom. He started cursing me.

Many times he is like this and I am scared to even ask him a question because he gets so angry about everything. He does not understand that I am asking him because I want to give him what he wants. He expects me to read his mind and fulfill his desires like a psychic. If I do just try to do this and imagine what he wants then I serve him something then he gets angry because it's not what he wished for or something is missing.

Of course it is not just with food. Whenever I mention something Islamic I read he gets upset with me and saying that I am reading something from a group that is too extremist. I might agree with him but I want to understand reasoning on both parts. Instead of having discussion he gets angry.

It seems everything I does makes him angry or is not good enough. He thinks I am too fat to take to meet his family even though they have seen me and talked to me on webcam and telephone and they know we are married. I feel insulted by this. He also says I do not lose weight fast enough even though I go to gym and take diet pills three times daily. He was never fat so he cannot understand the struggle. He married me when I was fat so I also do not understand. Of course I try to lose the weight and it is coming off in realistic speed but he thinks realistic is 20 pound a month which might be for some but not for me.

Every day he criticizes me for not having job since I lost my job. Every day I apply to probably at least 10 jobs and sometimes more if I can find them with my experience. He works a low quality part time job which he hates and is frustrated with but does not look for anything better for himself. I never see him applying for jobs.

He is not all bad. Sometimes he is a kind man but he is so very quick with anger and criticism. He is so generous with his negative things and so stingy with his kind words and support. His anger is crazy. We can be sitting in bed and he can be happy and positive and then one little thing can make him turn his back and get angry and say horrible things.

When I got my hair cut the other day like he always wanted instead of commenting on my new look which I did for him he just looked at me and said I should have got it shorter. I was upset and when I tried to tell him he said I was being silly.

This morning my beginning of Ramadhan was ruined. I sat there crying and only managed to eat a few bites of food and glass of water. When I tell him kindness and charity should begin at home and I would be a better woman if I was not so stressed out all the time then he gets upset at that and thinks I am preaching. Sometimes he gets so angry he spits on me or pushes me but he does not hit me.

I have nowhere to turn and do not know what to do. I hope the stress is what is making him so cruel. I know there is not another woman and I know he is also stressed not just with finance but also that he has a low class job even though he is highly educated and his job just went part time so money problems. Also he is stressed because of his family in his country and he wants to take me there for a wedding but he is ashamed of me how I look right now.

With all this he always says everything is my fault. He can say so horrible things to me but never thinks to apologize. I always make him act that way even if it was a simple question.

Please give me some advice on how to deal with this. I already work on losing weight as fast as possible and getting a job. I know things will be better when these things show some results but I wish he could understand how awful he is being because right now he thinks he is innocent and anything I say just makes him more mad.
Anonymous
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« Reply #1 on: Sep 01, 2008 09:03 PM »

I think you're being a little too sensitive about things and you're assuming a lot as well. Most guys don't understand how to notice a new haircut and say nice things about it. He is doing a lot of things men do. (not saying they are good, but that's the way a lot of men are, insensitive. they don't know how to nurture a female. )You need to work on the communication in your marriage. Try getting those books like "men are from mars, women are from venus". They might help you understand each other better. Also I doubt anything has to do with your weight or your job. It's probably him and his insecurities and defensiveness and the amount of stress he is under that is making him lash out on you.
Anonymous
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« Reply #2 on: Sep 02, 2008 03:29 AM »

I'm not one to mince words when needed.  This is not some "oh it's a male thing to not notice" blah blah; you are being too sensitive" blah blah.  That stuff is dribble that is spewed to brainwash women into believing that everything is their own fault and that makes my blood boil. 

Your husband's verbal attacks and physical force constitute domestic violence - plain and simple.  He wants to control you because he believes he is unable to control other aspects of his life including his own behavior.  I don't care how much "stress" he claims or appears to be under; there is never never ever an excuse for putting hands on a person nor being verbally nasty. 

If he is unhappy in his job then he needs to look for another and not force you to look for a job and get bent out of shape that you haven't gotten one yet.  He married you although you had a few extra pounds but now insists that you lose weight and that you aren't losing it fast enough.  He married you with one hair length and now wants you to cut it to a short length of his choosing.  That is nothing more than a clear attempt to force you to be what he wants; to submit to his will and whim; to fit some "ideal" that he has.  Well if you weren't "right" in his mind then the marriage shouldn't have happened.

You should not be subjected to such behavior nor do you need to be.  While some will no doubt criticize my next statement.... but the next time he pushes you then call the authorities or walk out.  The situation will not get better without action on your part and a serious wake up call on his part.  It is not your responsibility to help him nor to pacify him nor to cater to him nor to fix him and certainly not to be abused.  You need to make a choice for yourself.  He needs to straighten up and fly right or fly solo.



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« Reply #3 on: Sep 02, 2008 03:52 AM »

salam

I wanna cheer at the above post.

Looking at your post this is what I see.
Out of your marriage, you find a job, you change your appearance and lose weight, you apparently are also expected to read his mind.

Soooo, once the above is accomplished, your husband gets a stunning wife with a high earning salary, who I assume will be bringing in the bulk of the money and also I'm assuming continuing to do the domestic chores.

What exactly will you husband be contributing to this marriage, apart from ripping apart your self esteem, and working up towards smacking you?
Btw spitting and pushing are not small acts one should overlook as oooh all men do them.
I've grown up watching my parents interact and from my take on an Islamic marriage, the husband does not spit and shove his wife around, he does not belittle her and criticise her appearance moreso if she is trying to change her appearance to please her husband anyway.

Also very curious, do you wish to work, what arrangement will you come to when you have children, is your husband aware one puts on weight when one has children and it doesnt always fall off the second baby is born?

What do you get out of this marriage, what is your husband doing to make this marriage a pleasant one, what will he be changing about himself?

I'm divorced now, ex always always told me how very utterly ugly I was, I was too skinny appparently, I was exactly the same weight throughout my marriage as I was when he first saw me.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #4 on: Sep 03, 2008 06:16 PM »

As-Salaamu` alaykum,
Dear Sister,

Well, I've couple of questions, if you don't mind me asking:

Where do you live and where does your family live.

Jazaks!

"...Surely my prayer and my sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds..." (Qur'an, 6:162)
Anonymous
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« Reply #5 on: Sep 03, 2008 09:42 PM »

She gets spit on and pushed and she is being too sensitive? are you serious?

I don't like to say this, but if possible, please avoid having kids till he straightens up. Suggest counseling to him, or at least talk to someone you both trust.

Do you have any family or friends that can help?
Anonymous
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« Reply #6 on: Sep 04, 2008 03:33 AM »

Asalam Alaikum,

I agree that people should not treat each other in these manners.. you are not a door, a rock, or a chair. You are a human bring. We are face stress.. and still we have held to standards. If were the occasional "blustery" words.. fine, but putting you down is not only unislamic it it rather unproductive. If someone ever spit on me I'd be out te door quite fast.. how childish!  Where do people get these manners?? Undecided My father never, ever berated my in this manner. Where is basic respect and decency.

I agree you need to stand up for yourself. Easier said then done. But really..  you can try and get someone to speak to him.. that is another option.

Sometimes people need space. He needs to realize that you are trying to be a good wife. And he needs to treat you with care and dignity.

 Clearly he did not have good behavior modification as a child.

You have my Duas..
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