// Advice to a Woman Who Has an Oppressive Husband
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Abdurahman
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Oh Allah, Guide us to the Straight Path.


« on: Jan 02, 2008 08:06 PM »


 salaam


Here is a very common issue, I remember a sister on the old board also asking a similar question:



Question:
A man traveled to Europe, married a Christian woman and had a daughter from her to get residency. He lived the first years in secrecy. He used to harm his wife and daughter like if they were not his family. His wife converted to Islam after Allah guided her. But he still hasn’t changed. He is sinful and commits adultery, nor does he spend on his family. He forcibly takes his wife’s money, and she is patient despite his unfairness, as she has other children and wants to protect her family, wishing that Allah guides him one day.   
This woman’s family thinks that the reason behind all the problems she meets is Islam and foreigners. May you please advise this man so that he may return to the straight path? And what is the ruling of Islam on this?.

Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.

We praise Allaah for having guided this sister to Islam and we ask Him to make her steadfast in adhering to the truth, and to guide her to the right words and deeds.

What the sister has mentioned is an example of how Islam is suffering at the hands of its people – if we may put it this way – people who claim to be Muslim, then they go against the rulings and etiquette of Islam. Moreover, if this transgression happened in a Muslim country, where Islam is prevalent and those who are committed to the faith are known, then no one would be blamed for someone else’s mistakes, and no one would condemn Islam because of the bad deeds of an evildoer. In that case the matter wouldn’t be so bad. But the problem becomes worse when one of these evildoers lives in the west, among the kuffaar, and they regard him as a representative of Islam and of its morals, etiquette and rulings, then he lives his life like the Jews and Christians around him, not paying any attention to what is halaal and haraam.

Al-Awzaa’i (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: It was said that there is no Muslim who is not standing guard on the borders of Islam, so whoever can prevent Islam from being undermined or attacked, let him do so.

Al-Hasan ibn Hayy (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: With regard to Islam, the Muslims are like a fortress. If a Muslim does a bad deed, Islam is breached from his direction; if all the Muslims do bad deeds, you should persevere in adhering to that which, if all the people were united on it, the religion of Islam would prevail, that which Allaah wants for all people, and do not let Islam be breached from your direction.

Al-Sunnah by Muhammad ibn Nasr al-Marwazi (no. 29, 30).

It hurts every Muslim to hear that Muslim sisters who have entered Islam recently are exposed to verbal and physical harm by those who are supposed to be a good example of Islam and of the Muslim family which should be distinguished by stability, love and compassion among its members. It is regrettable that among those who claim to belong to Islam there should be someone like this husband who sets a bad example and puts people off Islam, and who causes the image of Islam to be distorted, which leads people to criticize it.

If one of the things that this husband does is to neglect the prayer, then the sister should realize that it is not permissible for her to stay with him, because not praying is regarded in sharee’ah as kufr which puts one beyond the pale of Islam, hence the marriage contract is rendered invalid. A person like this husband is not fit to be the head of a family in which he is entrusted with his wife and children, rather there is the fear that he may harm them by his bad actions. If he does not spend on them as enjoined by Allaah, then he has combined all kinds of evil in his actions and attitude, and staying with him is a heavy burden that the wife is shouldering for no reason; if she rids herself of him by means of divorce or separation, that will be better for her and perhaps her life will change for the better, either on her own with her children or with another husband who understands the value of family and fulfils the duty that Allaah has enjoined upon him.

If this sister hopes that her husband will be guided and set straight, then she should strive to achieve that through his friends or relatives who may be able to have some effect on him and guide him. She can also make use of audio and video tapes which contain exhortations and warnings against committing sin, and remind one of death, the grave and the reckoning. Perhaps that will influence him and bring him back to his Lord, may He be glorified and exalted.

If that does not do any good, then she should not hesitate to refer her case to a Muslim judge or mufti, or the imam of a mosque whose knowledge and religion commitment she trusts, to help her to get rid of him. If she cannot do that, then she should refer the matter to judicial or state institutions that take care of family matters. If he does not pray, then her marriage is null and void, and if he commits those sins although he also prays, then she should pursue shar’i means of freeing herself from him through a scholar or seeker of knowledge or an Islamic centre, to oblige him to spend on his family and give up sins and evil actions. If he refuses then they should divorce her from him in accordance with sharee’ah, and after that she should divorce him officially so that he will no longer be regarded as her husband.

This sister should strive to move to a  Muslim country because that – even though there may be things there that go against sharee’ah – is better than the land of kufr and permissiveness, where the Muslim cannot find safety for himself and his children.

We ask Allaah to increase her reward and to guide her and her children, and help them to do that which pleases Him.

And Allaah knows best.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
Blessedgrandma
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« Reply #1 on: Jan 03, 2008 06:05 AM »


Ok, I know my advice isn't very Islamic, but here it is.
You find a big stick and hide it under the bed
Then you wait till he is sound asleep
take out the stick and just start wacking Shocked
He may then cry out to Allah and come to his sense.
See, I told you it wasn't very Islamic   Grin

 purplehijabisis
Anwar
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« Reply #2 on: Jan 06, 2008 03:27 PM »


Ok, I know my advice isn't very Islamic, but here it is.
You find a big stick and hide it under the bed
Then you wait till he is sound asleep
take out the stick and just start wacking Shocked
He may then cry out to Allah and come to his sense.
See, I told you it wasn't very Islamic   Grin

 purplehijabisis

I always thought people mellowed as they got older  Tongue
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« Reply #3 on: Jan 06, 2008 05:41 PM »


Ok, I know my advice isn't very Islamic, but here it is.
You find a big stick and hide it under the bed
Then you wait till he is sound asleep
take out the stick and just start wacking Shocked
He may then cry out to Allah and come to his sense.
See, I told you it wasn't very Islamic   Grin

 purplehijabisis

That sounds like the Madea approach.  As background I'm referring to a character in a series of plays and movies by Tyler Perry.  Grit ball seems to be Madea's favorite. 

I recall once during a period of turmoil in a former marriage, my father giving me this advice.  If he hits you, boil a large pot of water, add lye and throw.  I was a bit shocked that my father would make such a suggestion.  Glad however that it never came to that although it came close as it did come to blows, but I'm nobody's punching bag; the bum left instead - good riddance to bad rubbish as they say.  I won't ever allow myself to be in such a situation (guess that's why perhaps I'm by myself all this time) nor could I sit quietly by knowing that anyone else was dealing with such.

Fa'izah
Blessedgrandma
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« Reply #4 on: Jan 06, 2008 10:08 PM »


I always thought people mellowed as they got older  Tongue

We do become more mellow in most areas
and less tollerant of abuse.
Old ladies? Be afraid......be very afraid

 purplehijabisis
Alagie
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« Reply #5 on: Jan 09, 2008 06:21 PM »

I TINK ISLAM IS BASED ON MERCY,LOVE AND GOOD CHARACTER.MY ADVICE LET SHE SHOW HA GOOD MORAL CHARACTER AND BE PATIENT NOT FORGETTING MAKING DUA FOR ALLAH TO CHANGE HA HUSBAND ATTITUDE.
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« Reply #6 on: Jan 09, 2008 07:16 PM »

I TINK ISLAM IS BASED ON MERCY,LOVE AND GOOD CHARACTER.MY ADVICE LET SHE SHOW HA GOOD MORAL CHARACTER AND BE PATIENT NOT FORGETTING MAKING DUA FOR ALLAH TO CHANGE HA HUSBAND ATTITUDE.

I'm sorry to sound so blunt but that sounds like  typical 'MALE' advice.
Here are my thoughts on the matter.

If more women (mothers, sisters, wives, etc) would be less tolerant of
such behaviors in men, then men would think twice before acting as selfish fools.
Most women in the above posted situation can be loving and merciful till their old
age and it won't change a man. You can be loving, forgiving and make dua' while not
allowing ones self to be taken advantage of.

I am going to use the word 'men' and not 'Muslim Men'
cause this is truly a gender and control issue and not an Islamic issue.
The US is filled and bursting at the seems with Non Muslim women and children
who have abused and oppressed by Non Muslim men.
Thus the issue is a gender issue not an Islamic issue in my opinion.

Let me ask you brothers, you tell a woman to be compassionate, loving, forgiving and to make dua's
but how many of you would tolerate a women bossing you? Taking your money?
Allow her to cheat? Allow her to harm you?
How long would you men be willing to be compassionate? Merciful? Forgiving?
It would be my suggestion to any "man" brother or non brother, before you start
giving your, patience, forgiving, make Dua's song and dance?Huh??
Ask yourself these things?
1) Would you want to see or allow your own mother and sisters and daughters
to be treated this way?

2) Would you tolerate such behavior from a woman?

Yes, we are to be merciful and forgiving and make Dua's but we can do that from
a distance to protect ourselves, our hearts, minds and own sanity and peace.
I say go away from the ma and allow Allah to deal with his heart and only welcome him back
if he makes sincere change that shows with actions and not words.

The only way a leopard will change it's spots is if you skin 'em. Shocked
We as women have duties yes, but we also have rights and no one can take them
away from you unless you allow them to.
I'd say stop being a victim and start living in peace and go get some self respect..

 purplehijabisis
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« Reply #7 on: Jan 11, 2008 12:56 AM »

 peace be upon you

I'm going with a combination of Sr's Faizah and Blessedgrandmas advice do both....

Or change the locks and ebay his belongings to cover the theft of the monies he has already stolen. Use money to support self and children..

It's pointless staying with a man who beats you up, yeah you could be patient...and he might change...or you could end up dead leaving your young children at the mercies of the state childrens home.....

Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #8 on: Jan 11, 2008 07:31 AM »

I recall once during a period of turmoil in a former marriage, my father giving me this advice.  If he hits you, boil a large pot of water, add lye and throw.  I was a bit shocked that my father would make such a suggestion.  Fa'izah

 Cheesy    Cheesy    Cheesy    Cheesy    Cheesy
That sounds similiar to what southern women call GRIT BALL
You make the man a nice breakfast and when he is sitting down all cozy waiting
for breakfast, grab the pan of  those hot grits (oatmeal can be used) you've been cooking
and throw it in his face. Wink
If more women stood up for themselves, less men would try being mean and hurtful to women.
Now my granddaughter?
Forget the father BEWARE OF THE GRANDMA Angry Tongue
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« Reply #9 on: Jan 18, 2008 08:45 PM »

Dear sister,
When I was going through difficult times in my marriage I was given an advice to be patient.  I was, but I wonder with their advice.  I do not understand how someone can endure abuse.  If you do not stand for your rights which Allah (S.W.T) ordained for you what is there to live for.  I do not understand how people tell you to be patient so someone could change, when you know he is not.  I was told once “if you are good you are good.  If you are bad, you are bad.  You are who you are. People do not change their behavior from bad to good every other day.”  I truly believe in this statement. 

Only Allah (S.W.T) could help you.  May He (S.W.T) give you the courage, the will and determination to do the right thing.  Insha-Allah. 
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« Reply #10 on: Jan 22, 2008 10:52 PM »

salaam
Quote
This sister should strive to move to a  Muslim country because that – even though there may be things there that go against sharee’ah – is better than the land of kufr and permissiveness, where the Muslim cannot find safety for himself and his children.

Are you sure about this brother? There are many cases where the father takes his new muslim wife and children to the native land and does not give the children bak.

Quote
If one of the things that this husband does is to neglect the prayer, then the sister should realize that it is not permissible for her to stay with him, because not praying is regarded in sharee’ah as kufr which puts one beyond the pale of Islam, hence the marriage contract is rendered invalid. A person like this husband is not fit to be the head of a family in which he is entrusted with his wife and children, rather there is the fear that he may harm them by his bad actions. If he does not spend on them as enjoined by Allaah, then he has combined all kinds of evil in his actions and attitude, and staying with him is a heavy burden that the wife is shouldering for no reason; if she rids herself of him by means of divorce or separation, that will be better for her and perhaps her life will change for the better, either on her own with her children or with another husband who understands the value of family and fulfils the duty that Allaah has enjoined upon him.

and what if he does not pray but is a very good husband.. I personally know a friend who s husband is not religious at all... and does not pray but she sais now..look hes soo good to be , good to the family..and i think her dad was 'relgious' and prayed but not a good husband or father.. so if husband does not pray and he is good husband one shouild still leave?
and what if a husband prays but he is not good at all.. very rude ect?
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« Reply #11 on: Jan 23, 2008 01:40 AM »

As salaamu alaikum

I guess it has always puzzled me what is it that causes some men to abuse their wives in any form or fashion (and okay to be fair some women to abuse their husbands).  I mean is it some mental defect?  Is it some hold over from their childhood - victim of bullying, abuse at home, neglect?  Is it just fragile egos that have this need for control?  Is it some physical shortcoming that needs to be compensated for?  I really wish I knew because there is no justifiable reason that I can think of.

Is there even a society where such doesn't exist?  Or a group of people that have managed to steer clear of such behaviors?  Surviving such happens but it can tend to damage one's ability to trust or ever get close to anyone else out of concern that it could happen again.  It makes the victim believe they were somehow responsible although they weren't.  I mean how often have we heard - men especially say - "you made me do this"?  How exactly?  By breathing?  By just being?  or wait a classic "god told me to do it" (I've actually heard that come out of someone's mouth).

It is even more troubling when such happens among Muslims who have the greatest and best of guidance given to them.  Is this then cultural misinterpretation that is the root cause?  Again, I wish I knew.  And then when a Muslim woman cannot turn to other Muslims for real help and instead must turn to non-Muslims then we have more saying "Islam is bad and oppressive to women" which only makes the cause of those who strive to prove and life otherwise extremely difficult and makes their words less credible.

I just pray that the current economic issues (recession) we are hearing about and now facing doesn't create more problems as families struggle to make ends meet and find those ends further apart.

Yeah, grit ball Smiley

As salaamu alaikum

Fa'izah
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« Reply #12 on: Mar 11, 2008 06:07 PM »

Quote
and what if he does not pray but is a very good husband.. I personally know a friend who s husband is not religious at all... and does not pray but she sais now..look hes soo good to be , good to the family..and i think her dad was 'relgious' and prayed but not a good husband or father.. so if husband does not pray and he is good husband one shouild still leave?
and what if a husband prays but he is not good at all.. very rude ect?

Question:
Is it possible for the wife to get a khula even if the husband will not agree to it? Can you mention some reasons?.

Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
I put this question to our Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Jibreen, and he answered as follows:

1.   If a woman dislikes her husband’s treatment of her – for example, he is over-strict, hot-tempered or easily-provoked, or gets angry a lot, or criticizes her and rebukes her for the slightest mistake or shortcoming, then she has the right of khula’ [female-instigated divorce].

2.   If she dislikes his physical appearance because of some deformity or ugliness, or because one of his faculties is missing, she has the right of khula’.

3.   If he is lacking in religious commitment – for example, he doesn’t pray, or neglects to pray in jamaa’ah, or does not fast in Ramadaan without a proper excuse, or he goes to parties where haraam things are done, such as fornication, drinking alcohol and listening to singing and musical instruments, etc. – she has the right of khula’.

4.   If he deprives of her of her rights of spending on her maintenance, clothing and other essential needs, when he is able to provide these things, then she has the right to ask for khula’.

5.   If he does not give her her conjugal rights and thus keep her chaste because he is impotent (i.e. unable to have intercourse) , or because he does not like her, or he prefers someone else, or he is unfair in the division of his time [i.e., among co-wives], then she has the right to ask for khula’.

And Allaah knows best.



"...Surely my prayer and my sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds..." (Qur'an, 6:162)
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