// I cannot advise this friend can you help??
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« Reply #25 on: Oct 12, 2008 02:15 PM »

While I too agree that no one - man nor woman - should rush to seek a divorce I equally (or even more strongly agree) that no one - woman nor man - should be in an abusive relationship.  If it is to the point where you dread the person's presence in the home because it is always unpleasant then it is surely abuse.  A man who is never satisfied with anything and believes that it is okay to ignore his family in favor of hanging with the brothers or being seen in the community putting on a "show" of piety is not pleasant to be around nor is a woman who makes unrealistic demands.

From the examples cited from our noble past sometimes the reasons why women sought divorce was purely a matter of the heart - in that there were no feelings for the person they were married to.  What brings forth the fires of the heart differ for each person so there is no set list.  Some may be drawn to intellect; others to religious nature; others to physical attributes; others to temperament; and still others to status.  The inner happiness that cannot often be expressed in words is important and despite everything else we are entitled to happiness in this life.

We can never really know a person's personality until we have lived with her/him and the person we think we are getting before marriage may turn into some ogre after marriage.  So should one remain married to this "stranger" and hope that over time they will change or that one person has the power to change another?  To believe either borders on insanity because a person will not change unless (s)he wants to change.

Often desperate times call for desperate actions - including divorce - and with those acts may come the instant realization that a person needs to make positive changes in his/her life as they suddenly find themselves without the person they truly loved.

« Reply #26 on: Oct 13, 2008 12:52 PM »

Assalamo elikuim

" Hazrat Soubaan ra reported that the messenger of Allah warned: "the Fragrance of paradise is forbideen to a woman who demands divorce from her husband without due cause"( Mishkaat ul Masabih,p283 ref tirmizi)

Cheese what is due  cause?
Also are you saying that Hazrat Zaynab (ahs) did wrong when she got divorced from Hazrat Ziyad ?

Would you advise this to a your sister, daughter that no matter what even if you are abused you should not ask for to do what Allah swt and Rasul Allah asked husbands to do  or not listening then  divorce ?

« Reply #27 on: Oct 14, 2008 07:24 AM »

“Hazrat Zaynab (ahs) did wrong when she got divorced from Hazrat Ziyad ?”


You have missed the point which is:
It is not up to you people who don’t even know her or her husband to advice her to leave him like you were the audience of an American chat show.
Remembering that even a Prophet of Allah has been reprimanded in the Quran for making a judgement after hearing only one side of the story, what makes you people think you are qualified to make judgement upon this very serious issue after hearing only one side of the story? Especially since that is a second hand account?

Hazrat Zaynab had her reasons. This case involves completely different reasons. You can’t use one case as a justification for the other using only your ignorance as a guide.
As the Hadith mention, Kula is a very serious issue.

To use people who use Hazrat Zaynab’s case to say that it is not are the ones accusing her.
And they should fear Allah.

Near enough every divorce I personally know of wasn’t caused by the two parties but was caused by a cheerleading audience sticking their noses in where it causes harm.
But in those cases it was usually the woman’s female family members or close ‘friends’. Here it is being done by complete strangers who have never seen her or know her name.

To the one person who knows her, if you were a true friend you would try and push her towards patience and reconciliation that is unless her husband was forcing her to do sins.
« Reply #28 on: Oct 14, 2008 10:04 AM »


None of us is saying the Sr should get divorced. She has been counselled to
  • make dua
  • to do istikhara,
  • to ask a male family member to intervene on her behalf
  • to put off having a baby, due to mainly her own health to be honest, but also because this is not a situation in which one should bring a child
  • lastly she has been counselled that divorce is allowed, it is not haram, and that every person is due to live a life free of opression
Mind you I can't talk, being in the middle of a divorce of my own instigation and it was truly my own (as I never told anyone my situation), so I was completely alone in my torment, my own mother did not know, nor did any of my friends, everyone thoguht I was so happy because that is the face I presented to the world for as long as was bearable to me, however to you perhaps the scent of Jannah is denied me.

Alhumdulillah, my creator is most merciful and I have complete faith in Allahs beneficience, such that based solely on the compassion and justice of the one who is Just I do believe Jannah is not denied me, nor its scent witheld from me, not for my own actions but because my Lord is most Merciful, and if there were ever any justice, compasssaion, mercy and love anywhere I have mine with Allah (swt).

No woman would ever run into a divorce, most of us put up with far more than we should, this sister has no one to support in the advent of a divorce, this sr is being physically crippled by her relationship with her husband, how long should patience last?

Mine ran out after 11 years and two children, I was reduced to raising my hands to Allah and asking for death, and protection for my orphaned children. Personally I would never ask another to endure what I would not want to endure for myself.

The most important thing to remember in all this, is that the duaa of oppressed are answered very swiftly, I actually expected the exact response to my plight to be that of cheese posts; have patience, its your fault, you will be denied jannah, fear Allah etc etc etc like its some sort of great wrong to want to live a basic life, forget one filled with love and laughter, just plain living a life where one is not afraid to go home, or speak, where one doesn't know how to behave for fear of the completely irrational repercussions. Alhumdulillah, Allah is however the Merciful, I am so glad that I did turn to Allah as the only point of solace, help has come from the most unexpected of places, and I am surrounded by compassion, and mercy, love and understanding.
I did have the one uncle who trivialised it all by saying I was blowing it out of proprotion, I should do as my husband says, and if it were that bad I would not have endured it for 11years, no doubt this same uncle would have told me I was being ungrateful and not giving my marriage a chance if I had told them a few days into my marriage. One cannot please everyone all the time.

Men may be a degree higher than women, but stop for a second and consider exactly why that is.

« Reply #29 on: Oct 14, 2008 10:35 AM »

alakum salam wr wb

Sister I am not judging you or your husband.
I am not even going to judge your uncle because he knows more about you, your husband and your circumstances than me.
I am not qualified.
I don’t know the full details.
I don’t know the other side of the story.

And neither does anyone else on this board.
For you or the lady who is having the deeply personal problem.
So people are no qualified to judge whether her individual case allows her to ask for kula, they are not even able to determine who is the right party in that case even if they were qualified to make a judgment because they only know one side of the story.
And sister with all due respect, many people in the board did exactly that, they advised divorce.
If you don’t see it, read their posts again. They clearly wrote it for all to see and they shouldn’t do such foolish things.
« Reply #30 on: Oct 14, 2008 03:30 PM »

as-Salaamu` alaykum,

cheese, I though you were warned against posting that which is NOT Islamic by attempting to pass it on as Islamic.
For the record; Islam doesn't teach people to be inhumane and indecent towards women and it's ridiculous to even suggest that-- especially when it comes to ones spouse ... apparently your ego is getting in the way.

Akhi, people come here for naseeha, thus we advice them in the best of our abilities ... even if its not to your liking.
So, please refrain from posting, because this forum seeks balance, not corrupt and nasty assertions.

« Reply #31 on: Oct 14, 2008 03:53 PM »

"forum seeks balance"

Balance means both sides.
« Reply #32 on: Nov 18, 2008 07:33 PM »

Asalamaulikum guys,

just thought I would update you on the situation and thank you all for guiding me to assist my friend. May Allah reward you all for taking the time to do such a great thing.

My friend involved elders in the family to sort out the situation. Family who had daily contact with them (close family only) were told of the situation and were informed not to intervine unless asked to.

An imam gave my friend duaas to read-and mashallah by the grace of Allah they are mashallah working.

Please continue to pray for them-and I thank you once again for your support and will remember you all in my prayers.

Sister H
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