// wanting a child
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« on: Oct 18, 2008 05:55 PM »

 In hope of some soothing advice I am writing,

I am in my fourth year of marriage.  At this stage I really want a child.  Such a gift is the Will of My God and I pray to Allah, and I am mentally prepared.  However, my husband is not.  He is working part time and studying they days he is off from work.  It may take him more than 3 years to get his BA/BS degree.  He feels that he is not ready to carry out such responsiblity, esp. financially.  Also, he may not be able to be there for me in time when I may need him.  I do beleive that those are very good reasons. 
Still, often I feel that our marriage needs a child by now.  I feel very lonely at a time.  I am not getting any younger either.  I am going to be 26 years old coming november.  I believe that God is the One who provides for us, especially He bestowes more blessings for children.  The child will not be a burden as God is the Provider. Also, I work part time anyway, and InshAllah I will be able to work atleast halfway through my pregnancy.  I try to explain my husband but he looks more at physical world than the spiritual means.  I am feeling frustrated with current sitiuation, and we often argue about this issue.  I have others, like my mother in law who promised to come and stay with me if I am pregnant, they are very supportive of me and my marriage.
Also, I need my husband to understand that I am a woman and I am craving for my maternal right, for a baby.  Please pray for me.  May Allah Bless you for your thougths.  InshaAllah you can give me some soothing advice to calm my sadden soul.

ma salaam
A sister in need of advice
« Reply #1 on: Oct 18, 2008 08:11 PM »

Wa alaikum as salaam

Wanting a child is indeed a natural inclination for both men and women: even if for different reasons.  A child is indeed a blessing from Allah; a gift to treasure but also nurture and protect.  A child is the physical manifestation of the love between a husband and wife.  Still a child can bring with it unwanted tension in an already strained and tense marriage.  There is more to caring for a child than just "thinking one is ready" and having seen others do it and make it look so easy.  The physical changed of pregancy cannot be overlooked nor cast aside.  The extreme exhaustion one feels and sometimes instant irritability and mood swings can turn a calm person into a crazy person.  The post-partum period can be equally challenging as the new baby wants or rather demands every moment of your waking time and even with the help of others there becomes that natural inclination to want to do it yourself although sometimes you can barely lift your head from a pillow let alone walk and think at the same time as sleep deprivation becomes a very real thing.  Having a baby is not a novelty nor something to just "fill time" it is a full-time 24/7 job.  Contrary to popular belief and opinion it is not a woman's role only to care for a baby/child but as you said your husband works part-time and goes to school so you would be doing it as a solo act.  Too much additional tension as that comes from having a baby brought into an already tense marriage also runs the risk of the mother becoming a single parent as the husband just runs away because he isn't mature enough to handle the pressure of parenthood and responsibility.  Some may say that life is but a game but you don't play games with the life we have nor with a new life that we choose to bring into the world.

Don't give into pressure from the outside that you've been married so long that you need to have a child nor give into the talk about your biological clock; not when women in their 50s and 60s have been giving birth to normal healthy children including a first child.

No doubt Allah is our greatest provider but living in the times we do we cannot dismiss the need for financial stability and having and raising a child is expensive - very expensive so your husband is wise to also think about the financial aspect.  I'm not saying that one must be ubber rich to have a child but one must be prepared and able to to stretch their finances to meet the needs of the child before their own personal needs.  Yes I do mean needs and not wants; there were times when I had to forego buying myself a new pair of shoes or even a winter coat because my children needed those things so I had to sacrifice my own needs in favor of theirs.

If you really want a baby soon then perhaps both you and your husband should be working full-time to save some extra money and he should either spend more time focusing on his studies as well during this time when you have only the two of you to be concerned about and finish his education or he should forego it.  And yes people have worked full-time and studied full-time but it doesn't leave much room for sleep and no room for anything else including socializing with family and friends as those things are nice but are not vital to life and if the friends and family really care they would understand that the isolation is temporary and that they are always in the hearts and prayers.  What about your own academic pursuits?  If you haven't started your studies yet (or discontinued them in favor of your husband's) then you need to address that now while you have no children.  Mothers are a child's first and best teacher and an uneducated/under educated mother cannot teach her child effectively nor sufficiently to navigate life in the world we live in now.

« Reply #2 on: Oct 18, 2008 09:06 PM »

Asalamualaikum wrt wb,

Honorable sister,

All praise be to Allah.  I am very sorry to hear about the distress you are going through.  I ask Allah to ease your difficulties and put love between you and your husband.

Regarding your situation, the scholars mention that birth control is sometimes permissable as long as certain conditions are met.  These include:

1.  It is done for a legal reason, for example to space out children, and that it is not done out of fear of poverty.

2.  It is consensual, ie. both husband and wife agree.

3.  That it is not permanent, and that it will cause no medical harm.

In your situation, it seems that your husband fears providing for the child, and while this may be a natural fear,  Allah says: "Do not kill your children out of fear of poverty, Allah will provide for you and them."  Rizq is from Allah.  Does your husband not realize that he could lose his job, or a earthquake might happen, or he become ill, and all his provision will be gone?  We take the worldly means, but we must trust in Allah. 

Thus, my recommendation is to search for a fatwa from a reputable scholar about birth control, either locally or online, and then sit down with your husband and show it to him, and speak to him respectfully, but try to convince him that depriving you of your right to have a child, out of fear of poverty, is not recommended by the scholars.

Praise Allah for what he has provided for you so far, and tell him that a child is born with his own provision, as mentioned by the Prophet, peace be upon him.  He said:  "(After the fourth month) the angel writes his rizq, his lifespan, his actions, and whether he will be happy or sad."

Finally, try to cutback on some of your luxuries, and be satisfied with less.  You may be surprised, by having a child your rizq may increase.  This is the bounty of Allah.  I have never heard of a person living on the street on the account of having a child.  This is the Shaitan, who promises you poverty and commands to evil.  If you fear Allah, Allah will provide a way out for you.

May Allah bless you and provide you with righteous prosperity.

And Allah knows best.
« Reply #3 on: Oct 21, 2008 09:39 AM »


The theory of parenthood and the reality are so far apart its actually quite funny.

I have friends expecting their first child and the things they come out with about their future life as parents is actually rather hilarious. I of course keep my mouth tightly shut as I know they will learn the truth and laugh at themselves once they have a baby.

Having said that, I can completely appreciate the pain and sorrow you must be going through, the desire for a child is utterly irrational, and the pain caused by being unable to realise that desire immediately can eat you up. It turns into an obsession (can you tell I had problems conceiving?).

Do you have friends with utterly adorable children? If so borrow them and do family type things with them, I find toddlers around three are at their cutest and men can interact with them and turn to mush at the first go.

Ease him into the idea of fatherhood without mentioning it too much to him verbally, don't fight about it, otherwise it becomes a ego thing, ie she argued about it so I wont do it, me man me in control me bigger and better ug ug ug.....

Joking aside, also do istikhara, you'll be surprised, inshallah whenever there's a big decision to take in life and there is ambiguity as to what the correct move is, then turn to Allah. You will never turn from him without you heart lightened and your sorrow eased inshallah.

Love & Duas

« Reply #4 on: Oct 21, 2008 11:59 AM »

I totally forgot about the "cave man mentality" and enjoyed that laugh very much.  In all seriousess however the "cave man mentality" inevitably creates more problems and more tension than is necessary and always manages to ruin a good situation and damage another person's self-esteem and self-worth so the "mentality" serves no valid purpose.
« Reply #5 on: Oct 21, 2008 03:38 PM »

Salaam to all

Thank you all so very much for replying.  Your replies made me sit down and think. I am extremely glad that there are means such as this forum where one can open up without being judged.  I try to get advice from people around me, but I often find them just taking one side of the argument.

Reply # 1:  Sis/Bro, I thank you for your advice.  I want it to be clear though that I don’t think its very easy to go through pregnancy.  I don’t think just “thinking ready” is enough, both couple must be financially ready, and be able to give quality time to the newborn.  And, you are right about the outside pressure…I do get them a lot.  I have few friends who are trying to conceive for very long time and not able to.  I feel afraid to be in such situation.  I do pray to Allah, Only He knows what is best for me.

BTW, I finished college with BA degree.  Still, I am having extremely hard time to get a job in my field.  But, I am working now, part time, in a OBGYN’s office.  I do see how hard pregnancy is for some women. After they give birth even when they are sleep deprived I see that they are beaming with joy just looking at their baby, and this catches my heart.  That’s when I can’t hold myself, for I too want to feel that joy.  Allahu Alam.

Reply #2:
Thank you for your duas.  May Allah ease pain and suffering of all Muslim bothers and sisters. Ameen.  I want you to know that my husband is not worrying about financial situation and being ungrateful.  We are very grateful for what we have.  Allah made my husband’s heart very rich. We both do not have the means to be luxurious.  We have just enough to go by daily. Alhumdulillah
My husband loves me so much that I often be scared what will happen to him if something happens to me.  If I sneeze a little he runs to get medicine.  There are two things he wants and he fears: He worries about timing, he wants to be there for me when I am pregnant.  Also, he fears so much to raise (even give birth to kids) here in USA.  We both see how children are here, especially when mom and dad’s don’t spend quality time with their children.  He wants to raise them so that they are well mannered and practicing Muslims.  Inshalalah. 

Reply # 3 
Thank you for your uplifting advice.  I have nieces and nephews, and many babies of my friends.  My husband loves to hold them, and he goes nuts when he sees babies just like me.  This also makes me want to have a baby with him. :-) :-)   You are right about the obsession…but I think I am realizing, as I think and reflect more.  What we fancy do not fit in reality.  Puzzle pieces of life that we make don’t often fit perfectly.  I too have many friends who fantasized about their future children, but once they have them its not at all how they pictured.  May Allah help us all!  Children are our tests from Allah!

Please make dua for me.  One day May Allah makes me a good mother, a joyous mother, a mother who can be inspiration for her children.  Ameen.

ma salaam
sister who whats a child
« Reply #6 on: Oct 26, 2008 06:21 PM »

was anything said about this before the marraige contract signing?
« Reply #7 on: Oct 26, 2008 06:59 PM »

Yes children are our tests and sometimes we find ourselves wishing we didn't have them.  Men don't have the same worries as women do.  Women give up their hopes and dreams once they become mothers; men do not.  Women give up their figures to carry a pregnancy to term; men do not.   If a marriage fails a man can easily find another wife  even after fathering children but a woman with children is overlooked and viewed as damaged goods.  A divorced man who spends time with his children is viewed as doing something wonderful but a woman who cares for her children as a matter of routine is viewed as too occupied with her family.

As much as one would like to cover all contingencies in a marital contract; there are some things that just need to be left alone and having children and when is certainly one of those.  Because let's face it  - unless a provision as to have often marital relations will also be had is going to be included in the contract as well - there is but so much one can do to control when conception will occur and if it doesn't happen when planned will the contract also identify who should faulted for it not happening?
« Reply #8 on: Oct 27, 2008 04:34 PM »


I have read that Islamically if one parent wants to have a child then the other cannot say no.  The only way you dont have a child is thru mutual agreement. but islamicaly if one wants to have a child then it would unislamic to prever him or her to do so unless ofcourse there is some serous reason why said no. financial is not one of those reasons. as it is said children increase rizk
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