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Author Topic: Why do teenagers rebel?  (Read 5671 times)
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timbuktu
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« on: Oct 27, 2008 03:44 PM »


peace be upon you

really, why do they? I do not remember rebelling when I was a teen. Don't think any of my siblings did. But I have noticed this phenomenon.

Any ides?
blackrose
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« Reply #1 on: Oct 27, 2008 03:57 PM »


salaam

if parents are tooo strict.. if parents dont care about your feelings.. if parents dont answer your questions or give you reasons why you cant do this or that...
timbuktu
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« Reply #2 on: Oct 28, 2008 11:13 AM »

peace be upon you

I don't agree with the "too strict" thing. I was the most instrict father ever, and the wife would tend to my son's whims unduly, only because she also had ti=o go out to work.

And I answered the children's questions. I gave them quality time.

Yet, the son showed rebellion.

I think in his case it was too much pampering by my wife, and the fact that our neighbourhood was awash with the worldly successful, while we were struggling to pay our debts. The other childrfen were riding new 2000 cc Corollas, and even has SUVs available to them, while my son had to mak do with a 1984 a Suzuki FX 800 cc.

I had to remove my children from a private school to government ones, and that, too, hurt him, but like his mother, he kept his feelings to himself.

Anyway, there was a lot of heartache, but all is weel that ends well, and now he is a nice, well-balanced guy, masha`Allah.

There are many causes. The reason I ask is that I have read of Muslims leaving Islam in the West, and very often it is in the teenage and at College/Uni when the rebellion starts or takes root. I want to understand and see if there is advice to Muslim parents in the West.

Doesn't apply to me, though. I am not in the West, and my children are now grownup and married.
blackrose
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« Reply #3 on: Oct 28, 2008 04:06 PM »

salaam

trust me.. being toooo strict can definately bring rebelion. I was born and raised here in the west. And I have seen families who parents are extremely strict. And so the kids grw up to do fornication ectenct. And the parent is like the president of themasjid. . There needs to be limits. there needs to be open discussion with the parents. This is important especially if you are in the west because there is alot of things muslims cant do that nonmuslims can.. such as going to dances, parties, alcohol, dates ect. Im not saying you should allow this (u shouldnt) bc ur child will still rebel then. but you should set limits. you should not completely expect them to go to a public school and then not let them have any 'nonmuslim friends' you shoudl set limits. I mean its all about having an open and respectful relationship. And parents have to remember we are here to 'teach' the kids not punish them.

And definately spoiling the child and letting him have and do whatever he wants is really bad for the children. There needs to be limits. IF one does that they are not teaching their child anything.  Husbands and wifes should discuss privately how to deal with their children and then be consistent . ONe has to be strict and set limits and demand respect. again we are here to 'teach' them no 'punish' them.
I have seen in Pakistan with my khalas family that they let their son do everything.. they let him go all night with his friends ect ect. while the girls they were overly strict.
you know what ended up happening. The guy whom they thought were gonna take care of them caused so many problems. and ended up doing so many bad things. bc the parents just let him do everything they did not teach him, they did not let him feel the consequences of his actions. what happened is that the girls and the girls husbands are the ones who actually are caring for the parents and are always their when they need them.
timbuktu
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« Reply #4 on: Oct 28, 2008 06:02 PM »

peace be upon you

I agree that being too strict can backfire. I met a couple of real (saga) brothers who were the children of head maulvis of one the foremost darul ulooms in India. They did some very bad things. The younger of them told me that they faced such strictness at home that thye the two decided they would get out. The first one who manages that would ehlp the other one. And once out, they would break all taboos.

Rather stupid, I think, but this is what thye did.

I agree too that we have to have a balance. Unfortunately, in those days I was under the impression that the West's, particularly US advice was based on sound research. I read a book by Dr. Spock who advised parents never to say no to their children. When the result started appearing awful, I corrected the methods, but it took a long time to control the damage. Later I read anoter book by the Dr. Spock, who now advised parents to throe away his previous book, and to do the exact opposite of what he had advocated in his first book for, as he said: "I did not have children of my own, then. Now I have married and have children, and I raised them according to my 1st book, an dthe results are horrible."

When I told this story to others, a female colleague said; "Not Dr. Spock"> I said "Yes, Dr, Spock. Did you also ..." and she said she had also raisd her children by Dr. Spock's book, and was bewildered by the outcome.

I now remember in the US there is so muc competition that they publish half baked theories as the gospel truth. Then write another to correct mistakes in the previous one."

Look at the US going into Iraq. Absolute disaster. Others said don't do it, but they had to have their experiment.
blackrose
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« Reply #5 on: Oct 30, 2008 12:19 AM »

salaam

well the modern books seem to be more of a balance..

another reason a teenager may rebel is because there is not peace at home. one or both parents is always nagging or the parents are fighting between themselves...or even if the parents are always in a state of worry or tension.

having said that and the above reason I want to make it clear that it is not always the parents. Some parents Im sure have done the best they can and have provided a loving stable peaceful home but some teenagers are just ungrateful.  Some teenagers might have been influenced by the wrong kind of friends/peers , just people in general.  or tv.

Didnt Allah swt say in Quran that some people are deaf and blind. no matter what you tell them they don t see and hear. So some people are just born 'bad' and they maybe born to 'good' parents.
one may ask if Allah swt is Just then why is that.  WEll, the answer to that I do not have.
timbuktu
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« Reply #6 on: Oct 30, 2008 05:34 AM »

peace be upon you

The net is a wonderful place. I googled the topic under discussion and found some articles that threw some light on the issue.

My own teens have grown up, taken postgraduate degrees, gotten married, and are out of our home. When they come visiting, there is no friction at all beteween me and them.

The son said: papa, you now have a  laptop and an mp3 player, what gadget would you like to have? He has bought me these things, and now wants to buy me some more.

I didn't pause to think: "a grandson or grand-daughter would be all right", I said. Smiley

But I am interested in teenage rebellion, because some apostacy cases can be traced to problems at home, becoming acutely visible in teenage. Apostacy has been a topic of utmost concern to me. I can live with the entire Ummah committing grave sins except shirk; I cannot stand a single case of apostacy. I lose sleep over reports of apostacy or torture

Apart from shirk, other sins, however grave, may be forgiven by Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta`alla). Apostacy will not be.

I guess I have to keep learning more.

One of the real reason for such cases happening to pious and sensible parents is that Allah has said "Do you think you get to Jannah, whereas you haven't been tested."

Rebellion, exposure, even zina by ones own children are very distressing, but nothing compared to the pain of a child leaving Islam, and this is happening.

Our children want to enjoy life. Our generation wanted the same. So it joined professions which were not entirely halal.  Halal professions paid very lttle, and condemned our future generations to a precarious existense, or so we thought. To enjoy life, we brought in first the Radio, then TV, VCR, net, mobile, and gave these all to our children. If we hadn't, the children would have had more reason to reject us and our values.

Had my son or daughter asked me to join Askari Bank, would I have objected? No, I think.

Had they talked about going into the film or fashion professions, I would have tried to dissuade them.

Why is that?

Because, in the words of Moin and Linda Ghauri, the atmosphere there is unsanitary and evil.

We weren't entirely consumed by this desire for enjoyment, as we were afraid of Hell. So we set limits of our own. Somewhere in our minds was also the concept of repentence before death. One day, hopefully before we die, we hoped to repent so as to assure our place in Jannah.

This generation of our children doesn't want to live a double life. It regards this as hypocricy. This is visible both in the East and the West.
JustOne
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« Reply #7 on: Nov 01, 2008 10:28 AM »

The tragedy in this whole thing is that most parents disregard the fact that they may have or could have ever been rebellious.  All teenagers are rebellious -- it's natural to question, to dream, to believe that you could do things better if you had less boundaries -- a reality which sets in later.

I was a rebellious teenager, and I hope I never grow up to deny that.

Rebellion is not necessarily always a negative thing.  Neither should it be equated with "disobedience".  Youth.... teenagers especially, have a passion, a fire, an energy, an innocent ambition, which most adults do not have.  Rightly so, they have less responsibilities, and it is the time of self-discovery, etc.  This should be fueled properly because eventually it always turns into adult complacency, what with realities of growing families, financial responsibilities, etc etc. 

Somehow, I don't feel like concluding my argument.
timbuktu
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« Reply #8 on: Nov 01, 2008 02:59 PM »

peace be upon you

To question and to dream is not rebellion. Passion and rebellipn are not the same either.

I am taling about rebellion against Islam. To rebel against an heirarchy, hypocricy, injustice ... are different from rebellion against Islam itself.

I have done some more historical reserach, and well, it isn't only the youth that have rebelled, sometimes wuitr grownup people have done the same.

In most case, it looks like there was intense desire to enjoy haram things, or to fulfil ambitions in which Islam apparently was in the way.

It frightens me. When I see or hear of of an apostate, I say to myself: There, but for the Grace of Allah, go I.

And I am very selfish. My thoughts after me turn to those related to me. In the changing circumstances, it is no longer guaranteed that my blood relatives will not, one day, go astray. In fact, who can guarantee that he/she will remain steadfast.

There isn't a moment of rest and assurance for the final hour.
JustOne
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« Reply #9 on: Nov 05, 2008 08:53 PM »

hmmm sorry i didn't catch that you were referring to apostates.  i suppose that's a whole other ballgame altogether.
Sr.Kathy
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« Reply #10 on: Nov 06, 2008 12:56 AM »

According to my parents;
I rebeled Angry
I went astray Sad
I not only pushed the boundries... but stepped over them. Shocked

 ;)Alhumdullillah... I am glad i did!
 hijabisis

"Allah surely knows the warmth of every teardrop... " Jaihoon
BrKhalid
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« Reply #11 on: Nov 06, 2008 04:20 AM »

Asalaamu Alaikum  bro

The extremes probably don't help (either being too strict or too lax).

There has to be a middle course somewhere.

Say: "O ye my servants who believe! Fear your Lord, good is (the reward) for those who do good in this world. Spacious is God's earth! those who patiently persevere will truly receive a reward without measure!" [39:10]
tq
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« Reply #12 on: Nov 06, 2008 01:13 PM »

Assalamo elikuim

Quote
The extremes probably don't help (either being too strict or too lax).


I 100% agree with Br.Khalid

But according to my children I am very strict Smiley according to my husbnad I am very lax(bend backwards to do whatever they want)
What am I? (certainly not Dr. Seuss)

Wasalam
tq
Sr.Kathy
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« Reply #13 on: Nov 06, 2008 01:27 PM »

I have found that husbands like to blame their wives when the children do not live up to the Islamic standards they expect.  Sometimes they are right- we are softer than we should be and we know it.

Perhaps tq you have found the middle. the average of your children's and husband's thoughts.

We should ask our husbands what their expectations are and then follow it up with asking them to lead by example. Some men are wonderful with their kids..read, pray and take them to the masjid. Then there are the ones who can't be bothered. You know the kind - pray by themselves because they don't want to wait until the others are ready.

I have found that the ones who rebel are not close to their dads in life and deen...ehm...both supposed to be the same but often aren't in these cases.

"Allah surely knows the warmth of every teardrop... " Jaihoon
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« Reply #14 on: Nov 07, 2008 09:39 PM »

Assalamu'alaikum,

I have found that the ones who rebel are not close to their dads in life and deen...ehm...both supposed to be the same but often aren't in these cases.

I'd second that. I find that a father's role is often underrated. Especially to boys, a father's active, involved and good example in his sons' lives are extremeley crucial. I can't stress on that any further.

Without trying to diminish many good works that many brothers have done in da'wah etc, if his absence at home is not compensated with good and strong relations and time spent with his sons, then... there would be some negative impact on them.

On the other hand, as someone mentioned before, children are a test, and if Allah tested one of His beloved servants such as Nabi Nuh, in which his son committed shirk, then, it coud happen to anyone of us, no matter how hard we try to be good parents to them. At the end of the day, Allah guides whom He wills. We do our best to nurture and guide while they grow up, and they've got to make their own decisions when they become adults.

It is something that scares me whenever I think about it. May Allah protect us all. Ameen.

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« Reply #15 on: Nov 07, 2008 11:19 PM »

As salaamu alaikum

The measure of whether one is "too strict" or "too lax" is found outside the home among one's peers because children do talk to one another about their parents.  As the mother of 3 I can say that each child is different and so there cannot be a "one size fits all" style of parenting.  I'm not suggesting that one child be treated more favorably nor more harshly than another but as parents we must be flexible.  Also parents must learn to trust their children; when the foundation of distrust is set that will drive children away so then the fault for rebellion rests with the parents.

I don't believe that there is a such thing as being "too soft" however; showing love even in discipline is critical.  The world is already too harsh and loveless so one should not find the same at home as that is what will lead them to seek something different on the outside and if they find nothing but harshness there they will still prefer it because it is expected on the outside.

Growing up the "no talking to boys" was the norm but by the same token excelling in school even over the boys was also the norm.  Funny how the latter rule caused me more stress when I failed my first (and only) class.  I was crushed and felt like the ultimate failure.

A solid relationship with one's father is not only important to boys but also to girls.  I didn't have that growing up and so was determined that my children wouldn't suffer a similar fate but they did.  Still I turned out quite well because I had very strong women raising me; of course sometimes that created some serious personality clashes but I was still blessed to have them because without the wisdom they imparted on me I'd be a blubbering idiot unable to think or move without a man's lead.  (Whew so glad I'm not that type of person).  And because I turned out so well I'm in turn teaching my children the same survival skills and more importantly teaching my son what it means to truly respect women a skill that is sorely lacking as I look around and search for a husband.  Some of them need a good whack with my whipping stick.

I doubt I was a rebel as a teen but I did finally grow tired of the constant stress to not do anything and so went away to school and finally figured out that one could actually enjoy life but not lose the sense of oneself and certainly not one's self-dignity.

Fa'izah
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« Reply #16 on: Nov 08, 2008 10:58 PM »

salaam

Barr you are right. You know I know someone whos a big businessman and hes made lots of money but he is never home and when he is home hes always on the phone. So what is the result for the boy in the family. he has no interest in anything but to sit behind a tv. just likes to stay home and do that. But his daughter is not like that.

yes both girls and boys need their father, ofcourse..but i do believe boys need them more. Allahualim. Because statistics on lot of things are very bad with boys w/o father. I posted it along time ago. Maybe its in the old board. 

But it is said  that it is not neccessarily that a boy has to have his father it could be any male role model. Allahualim.

There is some book somebody told me about on raising boys alone. Has anyone read it, heard of it?
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« Reply #17 on: Nov 09, 2008 05:06 AM »

Asalaamu Alaikum  bro

Quote
Without trying to diminish many good works that many brothers have done in da'wah etc, if his absence at home is not compensated with good and strong relations and time spent with his sons, then... there would be some negative impact on them.

It’s interesting to take note from the seerah [life of the Prophet] that he saw was instructed to give dawah to his family first and those close to him before the wider public. This is something we seem to forget in this modern day world of ours.


Quote
Especially to boys, a father's active, involved and good example in his sons' lives are extremeley crucial. I can't stress on that any further.


Fathers have to find a way to be able to teach and instruct their children. As has been mentioned above, some children, be they boys or girls, will need different methods in order to achieve the same end result. Knowing this from the outset helps a great deal.


As a final point, there seems to be an unwritten criticism in our Ummah, when a Brother is at home spending time with his family. He should be doing this or that with his time instead.


We need to get the message out there, particularly in these difficult times for our children, that time spent nurturing your children and your family can never be seen as a waste.


As ever, a moderate balanced way is key.


And Allah knows best.

Wasalaam
BrKhalid

Say: "O ye my servants who believe! Fear your Lord, good is (the reward) for those who do good in this world. Spacious is God's earth! those who patiently persevere will truly receive a reward without measure!" [39:10]
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