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« on: Nov 12, 2008 12:19 PM »


Is it just me or is adulthood really, really difficult?  Life was hard even as a teenager, but I always had hope that I could save the world.  It was more than hope, it was determination, ambition, knowledge...  Overtime I realize I can make my effort, but that my goals should be more realistic.

Anyhow, people are dying, suffering from terminal illnesses, poverty, destruction, broken hearts, lack of faith, divorce, addictions, fear, war - I mean... you name it, the list is endless. 

It feels so... hopeless and burdensome.  How do you guys deal with all of it? 
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« Reply #1 on: Nov 12, 2008 05:17 PM »

peace be upon you

How have I dealt with these?

The world was neither created by me, nor does it get sustenance from me. There is a lot of misery in this world, but somehow I do not think I am the one responsible for this misery.

So help where I can, make dua, and go to sleep.

There are times when I cannot, but I remind myself over and over again that not only the above I wasn't even consulted before the Creation.
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« Reply #2 on: Nov 12, 2008 05:43 PM »

salam

I deal with it one day at a time.

I try to live as well as I can, ensure I do at least one random act of kindness a day, you may not be able to change the world in one fell go, but every small gesture goes towards improving it.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #3 on: Nov 12, 2008 10:19 PM »

ditto.

i don't know either. the older you get it just feels like one day you will pass away and what will the difference have been? the world will go on, strife will go on, people will have different struggles and problems  :'( but at least our worldly cares and worries will be over. something to look forward to perhaps? i heard one scholar talk about this and he was saying that we always have these problems and worries in life to remind us that it is not our home and we shouldn't get attached to it. we should always be focused on our goal, our real home.

anyway here's a  round of bebzi bebzi bebzi bebzi for y'all on me Smiley cheers!
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« Reply #4 on: Nov 12, 2008 10:30 PM »

awww.

so true.. give what you can, do what you can. Thats my advice. At the same time dont expect anything in return. Except for Allahs reward ofcourse.
I will just give you an example. one friend who (lives far) is busy with her kids and business still always takes out the time to talk to me when I need to. There is another friend close by who I may need more and has been there for me. but mostly now Im afraid to go for help because I always feel I 'owe' her.  So the first friend who takes out the time just to listen to me without making me feel I have to give back is doing a whole lot to help. May Allah swt reward her. The second in a way I feel trapped. I need but my need causes worry so I avoid.
salaam
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« Reply #5 on: Nov 13, 2008 12:33 PM »

Yeah it's like all of us are looking for a quick fix.  Just last night I was thinking that I need a vacation .. and that I would love to go to the Devil's Swimming Pool (Victoria Falls).  Then I was like .... forget it man.  I don't need an escape from reality, I need to face reality.   (Oh and, I want that pool in Jannah inshaAllah ...)

Here's a link : http://fogonazos.blogspot.com/2008/02/swimming-at-edge-of-victoria-falls.html

I just don't know how to "face reality" without being morbid.  My parents were so enthusiastic and full of life... I remember my childhood being amazing alhamdulillah... I just don't know if a jaded soul like myself will be able to provide that for my own children.
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« Reply #6 on: Nov 13, 2008 08:57 PM »

Asalamaualikum wrt wb,

All praise be to Allah.


May Allah make things easy for you, and fill your heart with happiness and tranquility.  Here are some things that come:


1.)  The Shaitan is eager to make a person have an ill-opinion of Allah, by making him perceive things negatively.  Remember, the Prophet, may peace and the blessings of Allah be upon him, reported that Allah said: " I am with my slave as he thinks of Me."  So we should try to have a good opinion of others, and foremost, of our Creator.

2.)  The evil doers will be rewarded with the Hell-fire, and the good doers will have the eternal success in Gardens and Rivers of Paradise.  This world is a temporary abode.  The tyrants and oppressors cannot escape death.

3.)  Spend time in the circles of knowledge, studying fiqh, seerah, tafseer.  Keep your mind busy with learning.

4.)  As we get older, we should realize the value of time.  Hassan al Basri said: "Oh human being!  You are nothing but a collection of days.  With each passing day, a part of you goes away."  Thus, we need to maximize our beneficial works in the little time that we have.

5.)  Be careful of spending too much time reading the news, it is depressing by nature.  They only show the stories with the maximum number of people dying.  They are not concerned about showing the beauty of human kindness, worship, and transcendance of worldy pursuits.

A good example of this is Hajj, they only show the deaths, not the sea of humans gathered together in love of Allah on Arafat.  Not the tears of those who see the Kaaba for the first time.

Some of the scholars stated:  The greatest happiness a human can ever experience is in complete submission to Allah.  If the kings knew what we had, they would fight us for it.


May Allah fill our hearts with the happiness of submission to Him.

And Allah knows best.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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« Reply #7 on: Nov 14, 2008 12:34 AM »

assalamualaikum

sister,

why are you so keen to face reality?  reality sucks. 

reality is that you die and become a bunch of crumpled up bones soon, or you get run over by a truck (for example) and have a premature death and become ashes even sooner.

reality is that your parents die while you watch.  reality is that every family goes through at least one calamity.

reality is that most/many women are physically abused in the muslim world.  reality is that men cheat.

reality is that black people will always be second class citizens and be barred from the halls of whitehall or the whitehouse.

reality is that things always get worse before they get better.  reality is that my dad's pension has been halved by the credit crisis. 

reality is that those who do wrong always get away with it, and the strong always take advantage of the weak.

reality is that corruption is impossibly deep rooted in the muslim world and that there is no hope of rooting it out, and there is no hope for the muslim world.

reality is that poverty is endemic, and that the poor in the world, particularly muslim world will never be able to break out of the cycle of poverty.

reality is that muslims are hypocrites, and that the most religiously seeming are often the are the most two-faced.

reality sucks! why would you want to believe in reality?  the world was never changed by realists.  it was changed by dreamers -- people who others accused of living in fantasy land.

people who don't believe in reality have hope, lots of hope.  and hope means faith, so they have lots of faith in God that God will help them make everything better.  and being a good muslim means, above else, having faith -- having lots and lots and lots and lots of faith.  and that means having lots and and lots and lots and lots of hope.

unless you do have this kind of senseless cheery eyed, hyperactive optimism in the face of Mr Morbid Reality, unless you have oodles and oodles of faith and hope, you will never be able to change the world.  Never! 

My father once gave me a book by Norman Vincent Peale about optimism.  I thought he was mad.  I thought Norman Vincent Peale was absolutely bonkers to be so shamelessly optimistic about EVERYTHING!  The man was a fanatic, an absolute nutter believing that optimism was the solution to everything.

And well, he was right.  Unless you are a hyperactive, fanatical optimist, you will be weighed down, dragged down, and butchered by Mr Morbid Reality.  Only optimists have the fight, and the unending belief to stand up to Mr. Morbid Reality.

That kind of belief, optimism is why today we had something absolutely ludicrous and unbelievable happen on Nov 4th --- the son of a Muslim, and a man with immense character, intelligence, and humility, and wisdom become President.

The world has been ruined by realists.  They are the reason the status quo always persists.  They are the reason why life sucks and things always get worse, not better.....

Be an optimist, try to escape from Mr. Morbid Reality sometimes by taking a vacation, or watching a movie, and above all else have faith that you can really do something important in your lifetime.  having this kind of faith in the presence of morbid reality is sometimes the hardest thing to possess.  But then again it is the most precious.  After all, faith is the ticket to jannah -- eternal paradise, and it is the ticket to happiness in this life as well!!!
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« Reply #8 on: Nov 14, 2008 01:23 AM »

Quote
reality is that black people will always be second class citizens and be barred from the halls of whitehall or the whitehouse.
you might have to restate that now that obama's movin' on in!

reality might be so, but pessimists are on the extreme of one side. i mean what pessimist would have thought a man named HUSSEIN would be elected president of the United States, like EVER. it's just so fantastic no one would ever have believed it even if you said it 5 years ago. (in fact i think no one believed it until 11pm Nov 4)

personally i think optimists and pessimists have the exact same lives. but the optimists live longer AND are happier. u know why...cuz they see everything in their extreme of the rose-colored glasses. less stress, less worry.

i think as muslims, as usual we should be on the moderate path. we know the reality of this world and how it is temporary, but we also know everything is qadr and through the will of Allah and that He is our Sustainer and in charge and can make any crazy possibility come true one day.

It's like that hadith that says everything is a blessing for a believer. Something bad happens to them, it's a chance to wash away sins and show sabr, something good happens to them, it's a chance to do good and be thankful.

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« Reply #9 on: Nov 14, 2008 06:06 AM »

Is it just me or is adulthood really, really difficult? 

No dear sister it isn't just you and yes when our eyes are open it is painful to see what is going on around us.
Anyhow, people are dying, suffering from terminal illnesses, poverty, destruction, broken hearts, lack of faith, divorce, addictions, fear, war - I mean... you name it, the list is endless. 

It feels so... hopeless and burdensome.  How do you guys deal with all of it? 

You first pray and give thanks for your blessings and then you pray for those who you know, those who you
do not know and those in power that Allah will guide them and give them wisdom.
Then after all the praying go out and do one nice thing a day to one person and make your mark of
kindness in the world. Realize you can't change everything but you can make little changes
with prayer and random acts of kindness.
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« Reply #10 on: Nov 14, 2008 06:37 AM »

How do you guys deal with all of it?

Cose i know that my end will come i try to give all what i can to this world expecting BIG REWARD from Allah

I believe that as muslims it is our duty to help all people, to tell all ppl about Islam ...

I couldnt do my AROUND THE WORLD  in real ( busy with work work work ) but still can do it online!

http://mohamed-aroundtheworld.blogspot.com/2007/05/my-profile.html

http://aroundtheworld.forumpro.fr/forum.htm

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« Reply #11 on: Nov 14, 2008 03:56 PM »

Brother Lucid your post was hilarious and depressing..first time I laughed after a while.

I dont see why we cant be realistic and optomistic at the same time though?

Anyways if we are not optomistic then we might as well die. cause at the moment reality sucks
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« Reply #12 on: Nov 14, 2008 08:37 PM »

As-salaamu` alaykum,
I once heard someone say; we either make ourselves happy or miserable, and the amount of work is the same.  Thus a person has to have a positive out-look in life, otherwise he/she'll be a miserable human being and no one wants to be around someone like that.

Moreover, everything that happens to us [all] is ultimately for our own good/benefit whether we see the wisdom in it or not. So, I try to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem by helping people, showing kindness, spreading peace etc, and I don't dwell so much on the negative things in life

I hope this helps a bit insha`Allah & keep smiling everyone:)

Take care,
W`s-salâm

"Do not treat people with contempt, nor walk insolently on the earth. Allah does not love the arrogant or the self-conceited boaster. Be modest in your bearing and subdue your voice, for the most unpleasant of voices is the braying of the ass." [The Holy Qur'an, Surah Luqman - 31:18-19]
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« Reply #13 on: Nov 15, 2008 03:28 AM »

Quote
everything that happens to us [all] is ultimately for our own good/benefit whether we see the wisdom in it or not

I don't think that's true. A lot of bad things happen in the world to people. I wouldn't say it is good for them or benefited them. It's probably a test or punishment and hopefully they can rise out of that.
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« Reply #14 on: Nov 15, 2008 06:46 AM »

Thanks guys... some very inspiring posts here.

I think part of the problem is that we come from this higher moral ground.  Where "helping people" is a form of redemption for ourselves.  I don't think of it that way (probably a debate that will steer this conversation into another direction entirely).  It's not someone's privelege to receive my help ... rather it's their right.  And if I choose not to help them, I'm denying them of what's rightfully theirs, and thus performing an act of oppression.  And we know how the tale ends for oppressors. 

The problem with this attitude is that there is the trap of extreme self-beration, which again can only be eliminated by achieving that "balance" - something I'm not sure if anyone in this world has been able to master.

I don't know...it's tough.

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« Reply #15 on: Nov 22, 2008 09:36 PM »

As-salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,
Funny, remember the hadith about how the Prophet (s) advised his followers about the last Day, that even if it comes, continue planting? I never really fully understood it, but Allahu A'lim, I asked around and got something more today.
We shouldn't worry so much about the fruits of our labor. The labor could in fact, be the means to the end (ie, we all have a role in this dunya, even if small, that we have to work on).

Now that I think about it, if the garbage man stopped doing his "useless" job, it'd change the balance of things, wouldn't it?

What I've learned from those more knowledgeable around me is it really doesn't have to be a matter of saving the whole world's problems. It could be something quite small; we may never know how influential it was.

Allahu A'lim,
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« Reply #16 on: Nov 23, 2008 02:11 PM »

Quote
It could be something quite small; we may never know how influential it was.

Reminds me of a story I once heard.

I can't remember all of it, but it went something like this:
There was once a young man who committed suicide.  He jumped of the Brooklyn (I think) Bridge.  When the authorities (or his family) searched his home, they found his suicide note.  In the note he said that he would walk to the bridge and jump unless someone smiled at him and said hello before he reached the bridge.  No one did.  He had lived something like 10 miles from the bridge.  Not a single person greeted him in all that way.

Makes you think... A very small kindness that you might not give a second thought to might make a world of difference to someone else...

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« Reply #17 on: Nov 23, 2008 02:57 PM »

peace be upon you

So sad. Makes you think. Perhaps this why we are to spread salam, to those we know, as well as those we don't know.
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« Reply #18 on: Nov 23, 2008 08:00 PM »

wsalam,

that is very sad. new york city is a tough place. it's just not the culture to smile and say hello to someone. they think you're crazy, want money or are going to mug them or something. the south is a lot nicer like that people say hello always and guys always hold doors open for you.

just like in muslim countries if you said salam to someone on the street or in the mall they just look at you like ur crazy, or 'do i know you or something'??


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« Reply #19 on: Nov 23, 2008 08:40 PM »

salaam

no doubt I can tell you growing up in the South people are awesome here. People are always saying hello here and there. Strangers passing by and waving.
There was  friend who moved to florida and she was talking bout how its amazing how noone will come help you if you get into a accident but in the south people will be lined up.

yes been to new york many timz and its not the same. on contrary some are are rude. but still new york is the kewlest. makes you feel alive

I cant speak for other muslim countries but in contrast to people in the south, people are not friendly in Pakistan. So it surprises me when easertern countries like to brag about how people help ea other more and are more homlier or freindlier than the west. I really dont c that.
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« Reply #20 on: Nov 24, 2008 06:31 AM »

Asalaamu Alaikum  bro


Really interesting topic JO; I’ve been thinking about this thread over the last couple of weeks but couldn’t quite articulate what I was thinking until I read Sr rahma’s post above.


Quote
Is it just me or is adulthood really, really difficult?


I think part of my problem is that I don’t think it’s adulthood that really is the problem here.

Many moons ago, someone told me something when I was little which still stays with me to this day, namely:


”If you know better, you should act better”


Now this wasn’t really in an Islamic context but the underlying message of ignorance never being a reasonable excuse (especially after knowledge has been acquired) stands true.


So to me it’s not necessarily adulthood, but being steadfast which is difficult and which leads to those blues. I mean how many times as a kid did you want to skip your homework and go out and play?


The Hadith about our Prophet’s saw hair turning white upon reading Surah Hud seems relevant here in respect of the obligation to observe and maintain righteousness.


Quote
It feels so... hopeless and burdensome.  How do you guys deal with all of it?


Well I’m not sure there’s an easy or even single answer to this, but maybe there are some principles that we can all follow.


1. Understand that we are mirrors of each other and, hence, if you feel that lowly feeling from time to time, know that there are fellow brothers and sisters out there going through exactly the same feelings.

Whilst this may not relieve the symptoms in itself, the sense of togetherness should hopefully lessen the burden.



2. Never belittle a kind word or a small favour or deem it insignificant. I think Sr rahma’s story above highlights this point perfectly.

It always surprises me that we, as Muslims, have been revealed a Chapter in the Qur’an named “the small kindnesses” but seem so woeful in being able to put that into practice.


You never know how a smile, a thank you, a note of appreciation, an acknowledgement etc etc may impact and affect someone’s life for the better.


3. A change of routine – Sometimes we get too accustomed to what we do in our daily lives that going through the motions (no matter how good) can actually cause a problem.

If you feel yourself coming down with something, do something small but different; pray in a different masjid, read a completely new book, phone a family member you haven’t spoken to in a while, surprise your spouse Wink

In essence don’t allow yourself to get bogged down, and over time you’ll find the routine enjoyable again.


Quote
we always have these problems and worries in life to remind us that it is not our home and we shouldn't get attached to it. we should always be focused on our goal, our real home.


Ultimately this is probably the only real answer.


It again reminds me of a phrase I used to think about when I was young.


”This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you”


Wasalaam
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« Reply #21 on: Nov 24, 2008 09:46 AM »

salam

Personally I never do something with the expectation of getting anything in return (except my job, I do expect to be paid for that).

When I was going thro a rather trying time, I vividly recall being pulled away form the brink by random acts of kindness from strangers, sometimes it was little old ladies regaling their life stories to me, sometimes it was just some girl on the bus who would smile at me, sometimes it was the person who would help me on/off the bus with my baby buggy.... that period in time really truly drove home to me how huge a deal teeny tiny gestures mean to a person, moreover I don't think those people will truly ever know exactly what a big huge deal it was to me that they were kind to me for no reason, and it takes nothing, it gives one a warm glow even.

I try to instil good values in my girls inshallah, so much so that it is more a reflex action that they do immediately help are generally kind and well mannered, heck they even thank the bus driver when they get on and off the bus.
An act of good doesnt have to be a huge thing, I was on the train a few weeks ago, and there ws this lady on the seat next to me with a fairly new born absolutely gorgeous mashallah baby, so I told her so, I told her so. And by her smile and reply I reckon I made her day... and it took nothing just the truth. He was utterly beautiful mashallah....


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #22 on: Nov 24, 2008 10:53 AM »

peace be upon you

warning: my posts sometimes talk of my less than islamic past. If you are still interested, click on the link below

saying Good Morning]

______________________________________________

As for Pakistan, many a times strangers have stopped and helped me change a tyre, or run errands for me. I have seen people help (and myself helped) those less priveleged than them, like women, old men. I am old and have a white beard, and people are kind and helpful.

I do think people in Pakistan were very friendly. As living has become difficult, as every institution has failed, as individuals have been exposed to be corrupt or unprincipled, there is however a dog-eats-dog attitude.

But people are still helpful, although maybe not in the everyday city life. Despite increasing poverty and escalating differences in lifestyles, people give. Edhi testifies to that. His is the largest individual private charity being run from private donations. He even has helicopters now.
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« Reply #23 on: Nov 25, 2008 10:08 AM »

wsalam,

ahhh insomniaaaaaaaaaa waiting for the warm milk to kick in.........anyone know any other sleepy type foods?

anyway one thing that i've also noticed about getting older and becoming a "grown up" is that as i get older, i just can't seem to cope with so many things going on. like when i was in university i would be going to classes every day, working part time, doing msa stuff, organizing a conference, running the website, teaching sunday school, going to halaqas, going to conventions. i had like a million things going on and i'd just put them in my planner and work through them. i'd be going to sleep at 1 or 2 and getting up at 7am to go to school. driving everywhere, doing everything. but now i can't seem to even do simple things. driving to work, paying the bills, taking the car to the mechanic.... it's just so frustrating and stressful. i'm practicing saying no to getting involved with things but then i don't have anything to do? but i'm still stressed out. i don't know. i see my parents and they are still juggling a million things so it must be me. i need to figure out how to have a normal life perhaps??
rahma
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« Reply #24 on: Nov 25, 2008 12:24 PM »

Quote
ahhh insomniaaaaaaaaaa waiting for the warm milk to kick in.........anyone know any other sleepy type foods?

Chamomile tea!  Not the boxed Sleepy Time Tea from the store, but straight chamomile, dried, and boiled in water.  You'll nod off in no time!  (humm?  No sleepy smiles?)
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