// How does your money situation work when married?
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Anonymous
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« on: Nov 25, 2008 06:00 AM »


Salaam brothers and sisters..

I have a problem that I'm trying to deal with and I am looking for sincere advice since I want to address this. To begin with, I want my marriage to work out, and I'm not looking for an avenue to rant and rave about my husband, or an excuse to leave him. I am from a very wealthy family.  His family (whom I live with) does not have the same standard of living as my own.  While I knew this going into the marriage, our marriage was completely arranged and I didn't have the opportunity to ask him about the implications of this difference.  He tries to compensate by giving me extra money without his parents' knowledge, but there are things he chooses not to support. He doesn't want me to work to cover these additional expenditures.

For those of you who are married, how does your money situation work? Do you receive (or give) an allowance from your spouse? If so, what does that allowance cover, and how did you decide? Do you work to support/split the costs?  What about the children's expenses, how do these factor in?  Who is responsible for groceries?

We all know the Islamic stance on this, my question is more about how you bring it into practice.

Thank you. 

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« Reply #1 on: Nov 25, 2008 09:31 AM »

salam


Now you know that your husband cannot afford to finance the lifestyle you are clearly used to. Compromise for goodness sakes.
He gives you more money without his parents knowledge. Whats it got to do with them how much your husband spends on you, unless he is taking the money from your inlaws ie their earnings it is nothing to do with anyone but you and your husband!

If he doesn't want you to work, sit down with him and work out a budget of the lifestyle you want, then cross out the things you are willing to forgoe, and the ones he is willing to forgoe, and then take a look and see if you can live happily on a single salary.
I personally would rather live a slightly more frugal lifestyle than work if it truly upsets my spouse. On the other hand could you do some kind of work from home? Bookkeeping, seamstress, childminding, I cant think of anything else at the moment.

However I most certainly would not compromise on my childrens education, but don't say it like that, say it in a way that your husband says it first, neither of you can cut back to the detriment of your childrens education. It's very important they are educated well and have bright futures ahead of them inshallah.



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #2 on: Nov 25, 2008 04:00 PM »

salaam

my husband gives me an 'allowance'
In the beginning of our marriage he did not give me anything, I had money of my own.  Then later he would give me whatever he wanted. Then I requested he give me the same amount every month. Im really glad I did that.

The 'allowance' is my own free spending money. It does not cover groceries or bills. So thats why its not much .

 If you are not working I recommend you ask for a certain amount (if he does not make much ask for a small amount) that he can give you every month and its just for your personal use. you can use it to buy gifts for him or to go somewhere with friends or to save it. Ive heard speech from scholars recommend this also.

As for groceries and bills my husband handles that because thats his wish so I dont go into the account or deal with that.

what do you need the additional money for?

If you are from a wealthy family its very understandable how you feel if you are not living in the same standard after marriage.  People will tell you that you should be happy with wht you have but when you are not used to something it may be harder. The prophet pbuh understood this thats why he told the men that they should try to provide the same type of living the woman is used too.

Thats very annoying that he has to hide the fact he gives you money especially if your living with your inlaws.
But its good alhumdulilah even though he feels like he has to hide it, he still gives. Its actually very good. And in rough times or when you are feeling down just remember that. Atleast he is trying the best he can.

Be thankful and grateful and say alhumdulilah.  We as humans tend to be ungrateful. Plz dont let this problem get in the way of your marriage. Support him and make him happy so he can do well in his work and get raises and move ahead. When he happy he will do good in his work and hopefully be able to afford what your used too.
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« Reply #3 on: Nov 27, 2008 11:40 AM »

Assalam Alaikum,

In my opinion when parents are wedding their daughters off to guys who are not as well off as girl's family, instead of giving super expensive wedding gifts parents should deposit some money to girl's bank account. Desi's save for years for their daughter's weddings and buy them jewelry, expensive (~50k) lehngas and tons of other dresses, they decorate their rooms in their husband's house - instead of doing all that, parents should rather make that (islamic) bank account for her from which she can get monthly profit.

One quarter of my salary goes to bills and groceries - I give the money to my ammi who handles all that.

More than another quarter goes to my car's maintenance and leasing fee (recently got a 2005 model toyota vitz. She rocks! Cool )

Less than the 3rd quarter of my paycheck I invest in a project and in our farmhouse/lands on and off. Spend some more on my family, give pocket money to my sister etc

From the 4th quarter I give some money to my wife, which is quite more than the pocket money she used to get before marriage, and btw this doesn't entail Ayesha's (our daughter's) expenses. But wifey still tactfully gives her pocket money back to me coz she has to rip me off each month for various things including eating out like 10 times a month.

One of my cousin's is getting married to my friend who doesn't earn much. My uncle would inshaAllah deposit some money in her account so that she may get some of her monthly expenses covered.

Wasalam,
-me

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« Reply #4 on: Nov 27, 2008 12:24 PM »

salam

See the only problem with the girls parents providing her with sum of money from which she spends on herself, is that the husband will then get used to not spending on his wife.

So what happens when the money is inevitably spent?

I think Sr. blackrose's suggestion is a good one ask for a set amount each month, and seriously do sit down and budget, you'll be surprised at the expenses you have which both of you can cut back on.

Money spent on eating out, isnt ripping anyone off, it's having a nice time with your wife, its both of you enjoying the fruits of your labour.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #5 on: Nov 27, 2008 02:02 PM »

I meant ripping off in good sense. My wife reads this forum at times, so I wouldn't say anything bad about her, 'here' shadyguy

And you know, us men have geerah, so problem with giving money is that the hubby might not appreciate the idea, and would want to provide everything to his wife from his own pocket. Thats the type of muslim men i find around me, and sure there are people who could stoop to other levels.

The knight doesn't wait when he's ill or has cancer brother, the knight fights on... He finds a strategy, changes tactics, and hits hard.
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« Reply #6 on: Nov 27, 2008 10:24 PM »

salam


I'm sure you do Br. Just that its probably best to start as you mean to go on.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #7 on: Nov 28, 2008 06:07 PM »

salaam
The only problem with that brother Hard 2hit would be that many guys will think that is their money not just the brides only and will use it as they wish and wont let her use it as she wishes especially in pakistan.

it reminds me how memons (not the type that I am but the other type) the girls side actually provides the house also.

decorate their husbands room? most pakistani girls are expected to buy the furniture for the room that is why they give it although many cant afford it. And its also sad because those people who say they are helping girls get married buy the furniture and jewelry for the guys family for them. why do they have to have the money for all that to get married??

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And you know, us men have geerah, so problem with giving money is that the hubby might not appreciate the idea, and would want to provide everything to his wife from his own pocket. Thats the type of muslim men i find around me, and sure there are people who could stoop to other levels.
hubby might not appreciate the idea? thats bogus. like i said a certain type of memon girls are expected to give houses, and the memons like us are expected to give the whole grooms family all this jewlery and money and then also buy the furniture for the room and 'decorations' as you say. that is very popular in pakistan. it looks to me like many men in pakistan do not have geerah. many also look for 'rich' wives . which I never understood why. but I guess it probably because they think the wives money is their own obviously!
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« Reply #8 on: Nov 29, 2008 09:35 AM »

as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,

First of all I ask that Allah (swt) make things easy for you and all the other married people out there in agreeing on these issues because they can lead to a lot of problems... I think disagreements on financial matters are one of the leading causes of divorce, both among Muslims and non...

I would suggest that you take a look at you and your husband's financial situation *as a whole* and see how much money you really have coming in, what it's being spent on etc.  That way you will get a better idea of what it is reasonable to expect from your husband in terms of money for your self (or 'allowance' though I really don't like that term -- how about calling it 'guilt free spending money' instead Smiley)  For example, if you guys have a total of $1000 a month coming in to cover ALL of your expenses including groceries, etc, then wanting a $200 spending allowance is not really practical.  BUT, if you have $3000 coming in, then maybe it is or a different amount. 

Whatever your 'allowance' is,  you can also supplement that with your own money (from your savings before marriage, your parents, etc).  Now doing this, especially with money from your family, can be sort of a delicate thing for a number of reasons... as Br. Hard2Hit mentioned it may cause some gheera/ego issues in the husband, OR the opposite may occur as Sr. Fozia mentioned, and the husband may adopt an attitude of 'Well since you already have money, why should I spend on you?'

My big suggestion here would be to always talk about and consider that money as a *gift* from your family and not like 'help'.  Since it was a gift for you, you can decide how/when to use that money, and as a gift it won't really be considered an affront to your husband's ability to provide.  I would also suggest that you use that money for occassional 'big ticket' items that you and your husband cannot afford on your own ex. a really expensive camera, a plane ticket to visit them, etc.  That way it is not affecting your budget or your day to day spending habits, but you are still enjoying it.  As a 'gift' these things can be accepted with no hard feelings (as opposed to, for example, using that money to buy groceries or shoes or something where it can lead the husband to feeling inadequate or that what he is able to provide is not good enough for you, etc)

If it's a matter of your husband's parents controlling the money coming in I would suggest that you two make a serious budget where you set aside money for the things that are most important to you and make sure that you are receiving that, and not worry too much about the rest.  I have a friend who's husband basically is not honest with her about how much money is coming in and how much he is giving to his parents etc.   It was a long term problem and finally she decided on this:  Every month they have a set, agreed upon amount that they must have for the house/groceries/daily expenses, the childrens immediate expenses, savings for the childrens future, and for herself/personal allowance. Since he is good about giving that set amount to these areas she has decided to be content and let him use the rest of the money the way he wants.  I know it can be hard, but just think about what your priorities are and try to get those established first.  Insha'Allah with some communication and calculations you guys will come to a good solution Smiley

may Allah grant us halal rizq and baraka in our spending,

take care,
7 Smiley
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