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Author Topic: What do all of you Think about this advice given to a Wife who is Being Abused?  (Read 2631 times)
blackrose
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« on: Dec 02, 2008 04:39 PM »



 Name of Questioner
 Fathima   - India
 
 Title
 The Physical and Mental Torture From My Husband
 
 Question
 As salamu alaykum…

 I am going through a very tough time. I'm totally confused on how to describe my problem. Well, at the beginning of our marriage, al hamdu Lillah everything went well and was fine. After 2 months, the behavior of my in-laws towards me slightly changed slightly. They tortured me over little minute things and they used to make a  big issue of things - except my father-in-law and my husband, all the others at home behaved cruelly in different ways which increased gradually. So after six months, my husband decided to leave me at my parent's house. He also lived with me, and he was kind to my parents, but he tortured me mentally over comforts necessary for daily life such as pocket money, royal treats, food, clothes etc, etc - all of this, he expected my parents to fulfill his demands without any hesitation.

 
Later he got a job in some other place, and after a few months he took me over there. Although I was with him, he was not happy or satisfied in any way. He kept on talking against my parents. In the meantime, both his parents expired.

 Now, my mother is no more, she passed away. Since her death my dad neither bothers us nor does he call up and ask how we are? Whenever we call he tries to avoid us. If we go to their house my dad will be in a hurry to leave town. Hence, I feel we have no place there any longer but... my husband is stubborn over his plans, he expects all priorities as well share in everything where as my dad sees only to his son. My husband tortures me day and night on how my dad is not fulfilling our requirements.

 I have no sense or will to achieve my goal and lots more. He troubles me so much so that I'm fed up now. He even hits me, throws hot tea over me whenever he is in an angry mood. Sometimes he throws food from whatever he is eating. He behaves so wildly that he beats me mercilessly. Besides he has started sleeping separate from me for a year now. He never shares anything with me. On the contrary I do share every matter with him. I stand by him in all his difficulties. I feel awkward to mention such things, but I'm helpless, as I'm undergoing a very difficult and critical time as I have fallen into depression due to stress, physical and mental torture. I have no strength to bear it any longer.

 
I am praying to Allah to give me strength to overcome all difficulties. I am totally a homely woman with a strong belief. I perform prayers, look after my husband, kids, respect the elderly people kindly. I do all the housework, shopping, help the kids with their studies, but still, my husband is not happy with me. I don't know how to perform my duty or to maintain and manage my responsibilities. I just don't understand why he behaves like this because the whole day I keep myself engaged doing work according to his likes and dislikes. I cook three times daily fresh food in a various ways, apart from this I prepare home made rich snacks everyday, a different menu 6-7 times, coffee-tea etc. Suppose if he orders anything to eat at midnight, I am there to serve and still he hates - he says that I'm not doing him any favors. He hates excuses, hence I obey him, even though I might be sick, I must do my duty first without any excuses.

 

Along with domestic work I also help him in his office work like checking files, doing calculations, maintain documents and papers. Whenever it is required to write any official letters, I write those letters. I help and stand by him in all circumstances, and even then he says horrible things to me. Sometimes I feel he behaves in this manner deliberately to hurt me. If I ask him why he is so rude towards me, he then replies I deserve it. I think his attitude will never change. I can't complain against him to my dad because I know very well that my dad will not solve our problem definitely. He wants me to keep away, once I reported to my dad one of my husband's behaviors, instead of getting a solution to the problem my dad shouted at me that I'm not doing far enough and I should tolerate men's behavior instead of complaining. He doesn't like to hear anything more.

 

Finally I would like to conclude by writing in brief one of the worst aspects of my problem which I face everyday. Once my husband is back from the office he sits in front of the computer - he is addicted to the Internet. He has no interest in family, kids, responsibilities, etc. He sits till 2am. He watches adult movies spontaneously all the time. I am very frustrated with his behavior. He never spends a few minutes with me, join us for dinner or does he come out shopping with me. I have to go it all alone. He never appreciates me in anything or hugs me. As soon as he is in bed he falls asleep. He never tries to look at me and say a few sweet words. I try to convince him when he's by talking politely, obey his requests, but it is all in vain. Whenever I hug him he pushes me off. I m very upset. Here I request you to please give suggestions as to what more can I do for him to get his attention?

 

I would be very thankful, for your kind advice.
 
 Date
 29/Nov/2008
 
 Name of Counsellor
 Hwaa Irfan
 
 Topic
 Domestic Abuse, Self development, Gender Issues
 
 
 
 Answer
   
 
As salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh dear sister

 

Thank you for writing to us and sharing with us your concerns. It seems like times were easiest for you when your mother was alive, and it could be that your father and your husband are having very difficult times in coping with death, albeit for different reasons. As much as you need to lean on the shoulders of your father for support, he may find it difficult to have empathy for what you are going through, when he himself might be in need of consideration of some love and attention. Your father has suddenly found himself on his own late in life, and that cannot be easy, and it could be that he does not want to be reminded of his loneliness. At that time of life a phone call is never enough when one wants to belong and be cared for.

 

From what you have said, your husband seems to have been most supportive when his parent, more specifically when his father was alive. Both your husband and father-in-law were your protectors against the harsh treatment that you faced from his family. I am assuming that the vehicle for that harsh treatment was your mother-in-law, and as a mother in your home country, your husband would have spent more time with her than your father whilst growing up. From that mother-son relationship, a certain understanding, expectation, and perception of human relation would have developed which can sometimes be unhealthy. That unhealthy perception of human relations maybe the influential factor in term of what your husband expected of your parents, and in turn you.

 

Sometimes when a parent dies, some of their habits become stronger in the bereaved child. Your husbands' mother-son relationship would have a strong influence on how he relate to other women. Here your husband finds himself married with no other guidance than what he has been taught, and I suggest, that guidance only equipped your husband psychologically and emotionally to control those you fear losing through some form of abuse.

 

Your husband probably knows he has a good wife. When men who have not had balanced gender relation within their natal family, it is not until they marry, that they find themselves in a situation that they feel ill-equipped with. The fear of failing as a husband can be so strong that he abuses his position in the home to over-compensate for his feeling of inadequacy.

 

You have truly been a good wife, friend and support to your husband. I am sure many a husband would recognize and appreciate this. However, what is important I that you recognize and respect the recognition that you are worth your weight in gold.

 

You obviously have some affection for your husband; it is just that you do not like what he is doing to you, which is a natural way to feel. However, if your husband really did not like you, or resented you, he would not have you in his working life as well! So the problem is with him, and it would help your marriage very much if you began to not take his treatment of you personally.

 

Instead of seeing your husband as a threat, begin to see him as someone who probably does not have anyone to really talk to about what is going on inside of him, as someone who is lost. If you could do that, the lens with which you view your husband through will change focus enough for you to begin to see him differently. By changing how you see him, you will also change the energy loss that you are experiencing as a result of how you have been seeing him. I put it to you that you saw him as your master, who has let you down terribly, which in turn has led to your depression. He has let you down, and you feel helpless, but that helplessness is a result of the position you have given him rather than who he actually is. Your husband knows he has disappointed you, and this hurts him very much, but instead of showing hurt your husband feels fear – fear of losing you, fear of not being what he thinks you want him to be, fear of the unknown which is himself.

 

If in the midst of all this hurt that you are both feeling you could reach out and just be his friend, through that you will discover ways in which to heal your marriage, and provide a balanced environment in which to raise your children. Turn to Allah (SWT) for guidance, and make regular du`aa' for him to help him find his way.

 

Sometimes we live out the roles our parents give to us, and sometimes, we are brave enough to discover our way with their blessings.

 

For further guidance, please try the following link:

 

Oedipus Complex

The New Man and Woman
Worshipping Idols in the Heart
 
   http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?cid=1219723047543&pagename=IslamOnline-English-Cyber_Counselor%2FCyberCounselingE%2FCyberCounselingE

--------------------
salaam
what do you all think? I personally think its good to try. But reality is that it might not work. been there done that. You cannot help a person until he is willing to help himself. He has to have a little willingness atleast. And one definately needs help with an outside source such as a professional councelor when things have gotten this bad. But most men dont want to go.
timbuktu
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« Reply #1 on: Dec 02, 2008 05:00 PM »

peace be upon you

normally I would have dismissed this advice as not addressing the real problems - that the husband abuses his wife, has been sleeping alone for over a year, does not take his responsibilities seriously, and is addicted to "adult" movies.

However, this is advice from Hwaa Irfan. She is a practicing psychologist. I once used to travel with a psychologist at work. At first I thought he was mad. Then I saw him at work, throwing random questions at a patient and her father. After some timeI realized that what he had found out in a short while, I would never have been able to do in a lifetime of questioning.

Since then, I have a great regard for psychologists.


Although her advice makes me want to scream, I would still give her the benefit of being the specialist over me being a layman.
Siham
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« Reply #2 on: Dec 02, 2008 06:27 PM »

subnahallah Huh?

Well, I glanced thru it, but I really don't get it ... is she bascially saying to take the abuse and shut-up?

I guess whatever the servant attains to understanding is proportionate from his intellectual capacity.

May Allah(SubHana Wa Ta`ala) keep our intellect clear.
Ameen ya rab!

"...Surely my prayer and my sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds..." (Qur'an, 6:162)
jannah
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« Reply #3 on: Dec 02, 2008 11:05 PM »

I don't understand how anyone can give advice through one email like this especially a psychologist over the internet. They really need to sit down with both parties and discuss the questions and complaints and come up with solutions for both of them. We know a lot of sisters post on this board about abuse, but for real how do we know they are telling the truth or are not excluding a lot of circumstances and information. We only hear one side and and that side itself is going to be prejudicial. We don't know anything and I always think it's dangerous to give advice like that. It's better that they actually go to people in person for help.

ws
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« Reply #4 on: Dec 03, 2008 02:49 AM »

salaamz fellow madinans Tongue (am just in a good mood)

ok well I looked through all those questions regarding abuse and all and her answers are very different to the others (even the ones that went thru less abuse) so Im hoping and assuming that she just overlooked some stuff the questionaire said. Like for example how she does support her husband thru difficulties and all. Im thinking she skimmed thru it, it was a long question. Allahualim.

Regarding your statement Jannah I would like to say that no we do not know whether they are telling the truth. Only Allah swt knows. But when we answer them we should definately answer them thinking they are telling the truth. the cycles of abuse are so weird, the man gets so good that sometimes even the woman doubts herself. one of the advice the professionals give to friends of abusers is to BELEIVE them. Its soo very important that I cannot express how much.
If you are talking about the advice given here Jannah then I agree with you because the lady is going through so much hardship and obviously in so much pain that she did need an answr more that acknowledges that,then one that tells her she maybe missing something bc woman usually blame themselves anyway. Its just really easy too. It can hurt her self esteem also.
Anyway this answer I think was just posted today maybe they will get alot of comments on it and it will be updated.
Also I just want to mention maybe nobody is really helping in person.. its easy to talk about this stuff to strangers, plus getting free help online.
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« Reply #5 on: Dec 20, 2008 03:36 PM »

"There are no victims, there are only volunteers."  That's a Dr. Phil saying, and honestly, I completely agree with it.  Not only that, but Islamically we know that the oppressor will be punished, but so will the oppressed, especially when they took no steps to repair their lives. 

Another quotable, from the econometrics professor that kicked me out of his class shortly after delivering this one life-altering sentence, "I hate complainers.  Either change it or put up with it." Dr. Leo Michelis

I'm sure this woman is smarter than she is making herself out to be in that question.


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