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« on: Dec 06, 2008 05:55 PM »


salam

i would like some advice from the sisters if there is any way i can help encourage my wife to wear hijab. she is religious and understands it is important, but does not wear it because it is hard to do here in a non-muslim country. It is her decision alone to choose to wear it or not wear it, but I as her husband i am responsibile to Allah for her and what she does also. I would like to encourage her to wear it, but I am not sure what would be the the most appropriate and sensitive way. I am scared because I don't want her to feel threatened or feel hurt in any way if I say something. I love her either way, but I think if she was encouraged by me, it might help her wear it. I know deep down she would like to wear it. I just do not know what would be the best way to bring it up and encourage her.

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« Reply #1 on: Dec 06, 2008 06:10 PM »

w'salam,

if you encourage your wife's learning of islam and practice in other aspects i'm sure eventually it will lead to wearing of hijab. once someone is like active mosque going, goes to halaqas, reads quran, reads islamic books, their imaan increases and they want to improve their relationship with Allah, it's only natural to start wanting to practice all the aspects of islam.

if however someone is far from the mosque, islamic learning, only hangs out with a certain type of sisters, does only certain activities, it's only to be expected that she wouldn't or if she wears it takes it off soon after.

i don't know how sensitive she is but u could just ask her one day casually when a related subject comes up (like when folding her hijabs from the laundry) if she plans to wear them full time one day. and try to get an idea of what her feelings are.

there are always sisters-only halaqas going on in every community. when those come up you can offer to watch the kids or bring her there.

i really think pressure/encouragement about just hijab does not work. it just doesn't. it's like emphasizing one thing out of place over and over again, and never actually gets to the root of the problem -- which is probably lack of knowledge, low imaan or lack of self-esteem.

so if you try to address the problem in a wholistic way i think it's better inshaAllah.


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« Reply #2 on: Dec 06, 2008 06:34 PM »

salaam

awww mashAllah thats soo sweet. You sound like one of those few amazing husbands. shes blessed!

Let her know atleast once by saying ' I would like it if you wore hijab. it would make me proud' something like that.'

here is some real councelor advice from Islamonline
------------------------------------------------------

Question and Answer Details
   
 
 Name of Questioner
 Concerned Friend   - Lybia
 
 Title
 Close friend of mine does not wear the hijab and I need advice on talking to her about it
 
 Question
 I have this one friend who is a Muslim but not a very good one. I wish to make Dawa to her but I do not know how to start. I know her pretty well and I know she likes me a lot as a friend but I want to start teaching her stuff she has to know about her religion, for example wearing the Hijab. The problem is, I am not sure how to bring it up in a way that she will understand. I do not want to wreck our friendship. I always pray for her but time is running out, and she is getting worse. Any advice you can give me will be appreciated. May Allah Be With You.
 
 Date
 08/Mar/2001
 
 Name of Counsellor
 IOL Counseling Team
 
 Topic
 Advising Friends
 
 
 
 Answer
   
 
What a wonderful friend you are indeed, to be concerned enough to write and seek advice on handling such a delicate matter.

You know your friend better than we do. You are well aware of the kind of personality she has. In addition, you mention that she is getting worse. We are not sure what other problems you are referring to. So, we want to give you some general advice and hope that you can apply it specifically to this particular sister.

There are several approaches that one can take when advising another person about their neglect of certain religious practices. The best preparation for such advice is to read and understand the Islamic perspective of the what, the how, and the why of certain Quranic commandments and Prophetic advices regarding our behavior, our dress, our speech, etc. The last thing you want to do is to start advising others before either fully practicing what you intend to advise them on or to not be well-versed on the topic about which you will give advice.

First, you must try and be their friend. This involves winning their trust. Being a friend is commonly misinterpreted as just socializing with a person, going places with them, or liking them because they have similar interests as you do. The reality is that in Islam, we go beyond just friendship and talk about brotherhood and sisterhood. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) reminded us to be like a mirror to our brother. Thus, in this case, you have to treat her like your own sister, and let her feel comfortable enough so that she will talk to you about anything that bothers her. If she is comfortable with how you react to her problems and how you advise her, then she will trust you more.

Second, you have to be patient with them. Simply advising a person once will not get them to change their sometimes lifelong habits. Do not try and measure how much time has elapsed since the time you advised your friend until the time she actually implements your advice. Rather, be patient and while it is difficult, try and give the advice each time as if it is the first time you are doing so. This will also reduce the frustration that you feel if there is no immediate sign of change. Again, remember that guidance is from Allah (swt) and even the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), after 23 years of advising could not change the hearts of some of the disbelievers.

Third, we have learned from the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) to be timely and choose our words carefully when giving the advice. Timely in this case refers to both the choice of the right time and the right place. Because you are a close friend to this sister, you can actually choose a specific time when you know the sister does not have a lot on her mind and is fairly relaxed. In addition, you can choose a place where both of you are alone and there is less of a chance that you will be interrupted by other people or by the telephone. Having other people around might embarrass her and the telephone and other interruptions might distract both of you in the middle of a sensitive point in the conversation.

In addition, you have to choose your words carefully. Sometimes, the advice must be prefaced with some background information. You might begin with telling her how much you care about her. And how you really hope that she takes what you tell her as advice from a person who loves her and who wants the best for her. Politely ask her why she does not wear the hijab. Give her a chance to explain. It might be that she was told it was not a requirement. Or that it is a matter of personal choice. Or that the hijab makes one look less pretty. Or that one wears it after getting married. There are so many misconceptions even among Muslims. If she pauses, and does not respond at all, be silent for a while and let her struggle with herself about how she will respond. Do not try and respond to the reasons why she does not wear hijab. Just let her speak while you listen. Let her feel comfortable talking about this sensitive topic. She might take anything you say as being judgmental. If the conversation is not going well, or if it seems that the sister has become visibly upset by the discussion, it is better to apologize and to reassure her that you understand how difficult the topic must be for her to discuss. And then, move on to talk about something unrelated. This way, she will feel comfortable being with you and not feel as if she has to talk only about the hijab for the rest of that meeting.

Finally, remember to use various means of conveying the message to her. There are many books, magazine articles, and videos that document the voices of sisters who made the journey from not wearing the hijab to actually wearing it. It might help to give some of these resources as gifts to her or better yet, when you have some time alone with her, you might try and watch these videos with her.

Insha'allah, over time she will make the decision to wear the hijab. Remember that an initial positive response from her could just be that she will consider your advice. Even if she does not immediately start wearing the hijab. Remind her that you will help her and be there for her throughout the process. Reassure her and let her know that your concern arises from your love for her as your sister.

Make du'a to Allah (swt) to strengthen your own Iman and to help you deliver the message about the hijab to this sister. Also make du'a to Allah (swt) to guide your friend and insha'allah to strengthen her Iman as well.

Keep in touch. And Allah (swt) knows best.


 

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« Reply #3 on: Dec 06, 2008 06:39 PM »

Question and Answer Details
   
 
 Name of Questioner
 Youssef   - United States
 
 Title
 So frustrated because I am a revert and my born Muslim wife won't wear the hijab
 
 Question
 How do I convince my wife who will not wear the Hijab to wear it? She says I cannot force her to and that it is only a tradition. I am an American revert and it just eats at my heart that my wife was born and raised in an Islamic country and refuses to wear hijab.

When we go out she is not recognized as a Muslim. And she believes that the verses in the Quran just tell women to cover their legs and chest area. What can I do?
 
 Date
 30/Jul/2001
 
 Name of Counsellor
 IOL Counseling Team
 
 Topic
 Marital Obstacles
 
 
 
 Answer
   
 
May Allah (swt) make this trial easy for you. Actually, it is not uncommon for Muslims, despite being born and raised in Muslim countries, to be immersed in cultural interpretations of Islamic teachings. Although your wife is not wearing hijab now, make du'a that Allah (swt) will guide her to do so soon enough.

Both of you should set up a meeting with a local Imam or a knowledgeable Muslim scholar to discuss this issue. Perhaps you will be able to come to a common understanding about what is meant by hijab in Islam.

Rather than arguing with her about what the Quran says about the hijab, we suggest that you try alternative ways of helping her to change her mind. For example, increase the interaction she has with other Muslim women who wear the hijab. In addition, encourage her to read articles or books about the hijab. You know her well enough to know what sort of books or articles would appeal to her.

If you continue to fight with her about the hijab, then she might actually become more stubborn about not wearing it or continue to rationalize her position. Try what we have suggested above and make a lot of du'a to Allah (Swt) to guide your wife. Show her how sad it makes you feel that she is not wearing the hijab but show her your love as her husband in all other aspects of your marriage. Do not break the ties of communication or trust!

In time, insha'allah, if it is Allah's will, your wife will begin to wear hijab. Keep in touch. And Allah (swt) knows best.
 
   
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