// At a crossroads, can't keep doing without
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Anonymous
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« Reply #25 on: Feb 08, 2008 03:47 PM »

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same  Smiley
Abdurahman
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Oh Allah, Guide us to the Straight Path.


« Reply #26 on: Feb 08, 2008 10:42 PM »

Asalamualaikum wrt sister,


All praise be to Allah.


It is understandable that you are tired of working and providing for your kids.  The reason for this is because Islam has absolved you of such a miserable condition.  Providing for the children, even in the case of divorce, is the responsibility of the father.  You should not have to work to provide for them.

Furthermore, in Islam you would be cared for by your relatives.  But since it appears that you are a convert to Islam, you do not have this support system.

That is way Allah the Most Merciful commanded in the Quran that new converts to Islam be given of Zakat, even if they are not poor, as a means of supporting them and making their transition into Islamic life easier.


I understand the difficult conditions you are facing, and this is a result of society rejecting the Laws of Allah.  What I can suggest for you right now is:


1.)  You mentioned perhaps traveling overseas, to Islamic lands.  This would be very beneficial not only for you but for you children as well.  Even you only planned for a year or two, you would benefit tremendously from the environment and people, and the comfort of being amonst your brothers and sisters.

2.)  If working to support your children is becoming difficult for you, you should consider leaving your job.  If the Islamic community is unable to support you fully, you may be eligible for support from the government, which you are entirely entitled to, from the Islamic perspective.

3.)  Again, Islam says that supporting the wife and children is the responsibility of the husband.   Your situation is understandably difficult.  We ask Allah to provide for you out of His Great Bounty.


And Allah knows best.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
Anonymous
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« Reply #27 on: Feb 10, 2008 02:58 AM »

As salaamu alaikum

Actually, my father assists me financially as he can but he's a retiree and an ocean separates us so we don't get to see each other often.  I'm remembered annually by the local community as well.  Still in that since I do work and I know that there are others around me that don't I am grateful for being remembered when I am.    Being a revert or born Muslim is irrelevant as there is no distinction that should be made between the two; so there is no way for anyone to determine which of the two I may be.  To me accepting a government handout is a non-option; I may be tired and frustrated, etc. but I won't give up my dignity nor my house in order to accept it and certainly won't give up that degree of personal control to an entity that is not entitled to it.  Now if I could do it and attend law school like I want I'd be fine but I would go stir crazy if I just sat home all day.  Habit of always being busy.

Yes, we could have the "point/counterpoint" banter and true for everything there are the positives and negatives and we always think the grass is greener in another's pasture, failing to see the green in our own.    Children are a blessing, but sometimes a mixed blessing because they come first and sometimes I don't feel like I'm in the game at all, and yes sometimes I do believe that it would be vastly easier for me to find someone for me if I didn't have children and I'd actually be able to enjoy doing things and going places without having to think of them first.  (I know sounds harsh but let's face it, a lot of brothers hear you have kids and they vanish really quickly and the ones who don't mind are in very short supply).  Whyy is it so hard is it to find a decent, hardworking, open-minded, devout Muslim man that isn't old enough to be my father, in need of medical assistance and okay I'll say it, isn't height challenged or looking like he's in need of a decent meal?  I've gotten more propositions for non-Muslim men who just don't get that I'm not interested and have never given them a reason to think I was but they proposition nonetheless and that is just horrifying and yet another test of my strength but gracious I'm only human, so something really has to give and quick   ..........

I doubt I'm ungrateful, just tired of waiting.  My entire life has been one series of waiting after another and when I finally do get something it's less than and wasn't worth the wasted time spent waiting.  Thing is most people would never know just how much I hurt inside by looking at me or talking to me; except that I'm accused of being too serious all the time but I don't have time to waste on acting the fool.

If I were to relocate to a Muslim country, it would only be my youngest and I which would be hard on me and him too.  What I need is a retreat and a vacation and the light at the end of this long tunnel to finally show up.
Anonymous
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« Reply #28 on: Feb 13, 2008 01:16 AM »

As-salaamu alaykum (how come I can't post my name if I want to?),

Little bit about Qadr, though I’d rather leave it those with more knowledge, but I feel it’s important to this discussion:
One of the six parts of Iman (Faith) is belief in:
1)   Allah,
2)   His angles
3)   His Prophets/Messengers
4)   The revelations
5)   The Day of Judgment
6)   Qadr and Qadaa’: Quite complex, if you think about it, but simply put, nothing that hit you could have missed you, and nothing that missed you could have hit you. Allah knows everything that we will do, it has been written for us before our birth, although He has given us free will.


Anyhow, I meant for this topic to go under “International House of Kabobs” but thought it may do here. Did anyone see the Oprah special on “the secret”? I’m actually the type that thinks of her as a little bit, uuummmm, hokey, and it’s irritating to attribute control of destiny or major blessings in life to “the universe” or whatever, instead of directly/consistently to God, but it made me think. Happiness is something we all want, right?

I am as My servants thinks/expects me to be. (Hadith Qudsi)

The theme mentioned on the show was that when we project negativity (even if just in our hearts), we attract negativity. So it goes without saying, according to this theory, that a person who holds ill-will against someone/something in the past, or is pessimistic, expects or sees the worst in things, can be in a standstill or attract the wrong “energy” and outcome, if you will.

I am as My servants thinks/expects me to be. (Hadith Qudsi)

From the Qur’an: “Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned.” [2:286]. And from Surah Ra’ad: “Allah does not change the condition of people until they change themselves.” [13:11]

I am as My servants thinks/expects me to be. (Hadith Qudsi) "None of you should say: 'O Allah, forgive me if You wish; O Allah, be merciful to me if You wish,' but he should always appeal to Allah with full determination…” (Prophet Muhammad, Saheeh Muslim)

I’m reminding myself, too. I’ve learned a lot from someone quite close to me, who when he visualizes something for himself in the future, he visualizes the best for himself. And he usually gets it, sooner or later, since his thing is, God is Al-Kareem. I mention this because I can be pretty pessimistic without realizing it sometimes, and when I consciously try to be more positive, it really does work. It’s all directly related to how we view Allah.

I am as My servants thinks/expects me to be. (Hadith Qudsi)

Some other interesting tidbits I’ve been researching for the past few months on this topic that may or may not be fitting (on optimism/hope):

-“Truly of those devoted to Me the one I most favor is a believer who is of meager means and much given to prayer, who has been particular in the worship of his Lord and has obeyed Him inwardly, who was obscure among people and not pointed our, and whose sustenance was just sufficient to provide for him yet he bore this patiently…” (Hadith Qudsi)

-Our du’aas are answered (sometimes in obvious or less obvious ways) as long as we are sincere, are not getting our wealth from a haraam source, and patient (ie, not complaining, God did not answer/give me such-and-such).

-When confronted with gross injustices, we will be tested for our patience and hope in Allah. This story always centers me. After being treated cruelly at At-Ta’if, the Prophet was left bleeding and poured his heart out to God: “To You, My Lord, I complain of my weakness, lack of support and the humiliation I am made to receive.
Most Compassionate and Merciful! You are the Lord of the weak, and You are my Lord. To whom do You leave me? To a distant person who receives me with hostility? Or to an enemy to whom You have given power over me?
If You are not displeased with me, I do not care what I face. I would, however, be much happier with Your mercy.
I seek refuge in the light of Your face by which all darkness is dispelled, and both this life and the life to come are put on their right courses against incurring Your wrath or being the subject of Your anger. To You I submit, until I earn Your pleasure. Everything is powerless without Your support.”

The Prophet (s) remained optimistic, did not give up or go into despair, nor did he ask the Angels of the Mountains to destroy the village. Instead, he hoped that the next generation would be better, and asked God to forgive them.

-This one is a toughie regarding ill-will in our hearts, although it sounds easy. According to a hadith, which I’m still trying to find but have heard from countless shuyukh, a man was about to enter the prophet's assembly. The prophet pointed to him and called him a man of Paradise: One of the prophet's companions became curious and wanted to know more about this new guy. To check him out further, he followed him, and tricked him into staying at his house for three days. To his surprise, the companion found nothing in the man that would place him above the ordinary (he didn’t pray/fast excessively, just the minimum or a little more). So after the three days had passed, the companion of the Prophet asked his host why the Prophet would give him such status. The man was surprised and couldn’t think of anything special about himself, except that he had a habit of forgiving anyone who wronged him and removing grudges from his heart every night before his head hit his pillow.
Anonymous
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« Reply #29 on: Feb 13, 2008 01:20 AM »

It's sofia, again, forgot to add (and how come I can't edit my messages in this folder, either?)

In case you were wondering what may be construed as “negative” (although I’m sure you can be cheerful in most other situations):   Cheesy

Quote
Yet those from my past who ruined my life and caused misery are happy with someone else with no guilt over what they caused me.

I've done an assessment of my life and I've never done anything to anyone nor anything to justify this punishment.

is quite evident that many of our Muslim brothers aren't interested in Muslim sisters that leaves me where?

it is now past time because I have nothing left to give…

There is nothing to hope for anymore…

It is a test but a lengthy one which I've endured longer than is realistic or even just…

I can say it feels unjust to be subjected to such a lengthy test.

For everything I struggle and rarely reach the light at the end of the tunnel but yet see others do little struggle and reach the light at the end of their tunnel a lot faster.

I wouldn't wish my life on anyone, not even my worst enemy because it is just too sad.

when I finally do get something it's less than and wasn't worth the wasted time spent waiting.

And finally, don't forget this should you really be considering other, lesser options:

Quote
Having been alone for the better part of 8 years and never truly finding happiness because I allowed that loney, desperate, unfulifilled feeling to take control and thus lead me to be with someone who wasn't in a position to make me happy in the long run…
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #30 on: Feb 13, 2008 02:48 AM »

As salaamu alaikum

Yes, the power of positive thinking is seemingly undeniable, as is the power of positive visualization.  Now perhaps I have let the reality of things in my personal life (or lack thereof) cloud my vision and weigh my own heart down, but let's face it is hard to ignore what one sees and experiences nor can the heart be satisfied completely when a part, a key part, is absent.  I've tried visualizing where I want to be and still it does not happen.  I've tried readjusting what and how I visualize and still that doesn't happen either. 

Trying to keep busy doing positive things has it rewards but also its shortfalls.  No doubt there is reward in doing things to help others, but in keeping so busy it I must accept also continues to render me less than ideal marriage material.  To have someone once tell me that what I do "people (including brothers) may respect me for but those same brothers will not consider me for marriage because of those things I do".  Now how does one come to terms with that?  Yet, naturally, I've been asked to consider taking on more tasks that will bring with it increased opportunities to do more and speak out more on issues and quite naturally I accepted the task.  How could I not?  We are supposed to do what we can with the "gifts" we've been blessed with.  Still in the back of my mind I know that it will most likely not benefit me in the personal realm.  Wonder if I've just subconsciously accepted that there is not going to be a significant other for me.  With each day that passes I, like everyone, grows older and age may often be synonomous with wisdom but it does nothing to increase one's desireability (such the bitter pill to swallow). 

Yes, I'm cheerful in most situations, but also quite serious, determined and dedicated; again qualities that don't seem to be in high demand, nor is intelligence and the inner strength to just keep going and take care of business.  The latter seems to suggest, it seems, that I don't need anyone; but truth is it is done not out of desire but out of necessity and there is a difference between the two.  Thus all of this further lends itself to my heavy, sad and empty heart. 

In general I'm tired beyond belief that know about of sleep or letting go can relieve.  I cling to the beauty of the path of Islam but also want to see some of that beauty manifest in personal ways; how can that be wrong I wonder?  To have a loving and caring heart shut down because it has been shot down and hurt is too big a burden for anyone to endure.  Still it is perhaps best that I let it shut down because the cold hearts seem to gain the biggest immediate rewards that they are then able to keep while the caring heart does not.

As salaamu alaikm

Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #31 on: Feb 13, 2008 04:54 PM »

As-salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,

Few more points I wanted to clarify if you'll allow me:

-Our du’aas are answered (sometimes in obvious or less obvious ways) as long as we are sincere, are not getting our wealth from a haraam source or commiting major haraam, do not lose hope, and are patient (ie, not complaining, God did not answer/give me such-and-such).

-What I mean by "in obvious or less obvious ways" is that Allah answers the du'aa, period (in fact, He already has if you think about it). He could give us exactly what we asked for, He could replace it with something better (remember-He has full/infinite Wisdom, as opposed to our limited knowledge of how things should/should not work), or avert an evil from us (I can't help but think of that every time I get into my car), or remove some of our sins (which we may not care much about now, but we will on the DAY we need it most).

-About the specific issue,  marriage is not necessarily a given. An example that comes to mind is Imam Nawawi (you know, the scholar and author of "Riyaadh us-Saaliheen, 40 Ahaadith An-Nawawi, etc). He lived and died without ever having married. It's happened to the prominent and less prominent, alike. Kind of like having children or not having children. Allah decides it. Not us. Sorry I have to be blunt about it, but you never know what will hit us, or what will miss us. Our job is to basically bear it patiently, hope for the best for us, regardless of what it is. It's hard, and we can be at our breaking point, I know. But that's when Allah is testing us most. May Allah make it easy for you and give you plenty of reward for what you're doing.

-Oh yeah, you know the person who I mentioned, that usually gets whatever it is he visualizes? He has a little secret that even I haven't fully understood (closest thing to it I can say is complete trust in God). It's kind of hard to explain it, but it's a state of the heart/consciousness that goes deeper than simply saying the same du'aa over and over again. Not sure if that made sense. But I've known people in his family who have asked for the most amazing du'aas that would seem kind of miraculous if answered. And it's happened, subhan'Allah. All because of this secret. It kind of requires a total purification of the heart, which I'm working on, because I want this gift, insha'Allah, of being that close to Allah that He just gives it (of course, part of this secret is asking for the right thing, but that gets even more complicated). Oh my head.   bebzi   purplehijabisis

-sofia
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #32 on: Feb 14, 2008 08:18 PM »

Assalamu'alaikum,

Sister,

I hope I'll make it short inshaAllah.

I can identify with many  things that you've said, becoz I've gone through it too.
The journey was long and hard, and sometimes, I wondered if there was eventually a light at the end of the tunnel.

But without this long journey of being single and lonely, yet seeing others happily with companions who are supposed to complete half of their deen taught me some things.

One - how much we can dangerously fall to worship the means (ie. marriage) rather the End of our means (Allah). And when that happens, we would fall into a spiral  of questioning Allah, having arroneous thoughts about Allah, ingratitude etc.

Two, (If I could swear by Allah, I would) this journey taught me that there is no other companion *WORTHY* of companionship other than the companionship of Allah. And with that companionship ... comes true happiness. Relatively - All happiness is misery if we compare it to the happiness being with Allah. 

Thing is, it is *not* about marriage - no matter how you twist, reconcile, justify your situation - it is not about marriage. Maybe I and other anon posters here are being "judgemental", but the more you write about how you feel, the more I see similarities between what I've felt and it is NOT about marriage.

Trying spending more time with the Creator of Happiness just you and Him. Just your heart and Him.
There's no worth wasting any iota of energy lamenting about a companionship with a mere creation who can't really statisfy the needs of your heart.

Because marriage sister - will never ever make you happy. Truly Happy.


Wallahua'lam
Wassalamu'alaikum

P.S. Alhamdulillah, after I found that happiness with ALlah, even now, being married to a wonderful man and being a mother - all of these happiness that I'm experiencing is *nothing* unless, I found happiness in Allah.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #33 on: Feb 15, 2008 03:04 AM »

Wa alaikum as salaam.

Okay, no debate nor dispute that Allah is above everythng and therefore everything pales by comparison; so it is impossible as well as fruitless to try to make a comparision.  This does not enter the equation.  The continued suggestions that this really isn't about marriage doesn't then speak to what it really is about because the reality is that it is about marriage, companionship, etc. - fulilling that basic human necessity, that of actual human companionship, the thing that is essential to soundness of mind and peace within the heart in a tangible rather than spiritual way.

It is easy for those who aren't in my shoes to say it is about other than marriage and for those who once were in similar shoes but no longer are it is but a faint memory of how it felt to be by oneself.  Again I'm not one saying that it is hard when the timeframe has been short; no the timeframe has been long and gets harder with each passing day.  Everytime I have to struggle to do something aound the house that I'm really clueless about, everytime I have to deal with a business matter that I know leaves me exposed to being viewed as the "clueless" woman, I realize and remember just how hard it is.  Everytime my son mentions that he wishes he had a father or there are activities that are best suited for a father son connection, my heart breaks.  It is as if I am a failure in the one area that matters most.

As salaamu alaikum

Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #34 on: Feb 15, 2008 07:19 PM »

Assalamu'alaikum,

Sister,

Quote
The continued suggestions that this really isn't about marriage doesn't then speak to what it really is about because the reality is that it is about marriage, companionship, etc.

Well, what is the reality? really?

You posted a question revealing doubts, hardship and the emotional rollercoaster, describing the "bleak" life that you're living. With many suggestions given to help you overcome this difficulty that Allah has given you, they are returned with more counter excuses about the "miserable" life  you have to endure.

Thing is, the problems that we face in this life are not *the* problem. The problem, is about *coping* with the problem.

If you keep on insisting that not being married is the problem, and the *only* solution cast to that would be to get married - then, your life would always be in that state of misery, till you find a mechanism to cope with it. Becoz, even if you do get married, there might be problems or shortfalls that supersedes your expectations.


Allahua'lam
Wassalamu'alaikum
 


Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #35 on: Feb 16, 2008 12:35 AM »

Wa alaikum as salaam.

Perhaps indeed the problem is coping with the problem.   Coping with always having to be strong as I stand alone, but not wanting to be anymore.  Coping with always having to give of myself when I want to take a little.  Coping with knowing that I either have to make due or figure out how to do things for myself and instead of being viewed positively for that level of independence being ridiculed for it.  Coping with feeling my heart shut down and being forced to ignore that ill feeling I get for not being true to who I am.  Coping with no longer wanting to be around others because I'm tired of putting on the happy face.  Coping with knowing that I'm expected to take a stand on issues and offer insight and information to others all the while knowing that by doing so the invisible barrier that is put up by brothers increases because they don't want a sister who does take a stand on issues and offer insight and information to others.  Coping with having society look down upon me because I'm out here all alone when there is no reason for it and it isn't my fault.  Coping with the constant struggle of self knowing how easy it would be to find a solution even if that solution is wrong.  Coping with others telling me "it's not so bad" when they aren't in my shoes.  Coping with knowing that if something breaks I need to repair it or spend money to have someone else do it which generally means having strange men in my house and having that bother me to no end.

I could keep going but why bother?  To make excuses requires the situation to be one that the individual can correct, but since I can't make a brother materialize and marry me I'm not "guilty" of making excuses.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #36 on: Feb 16, 2008 03:22 AM »

As-salaamu alaykum, dear sister,

If you were looking to vent/just be heard or understood, I apologize. Maybe our varied suggestions weren’t what you were looking for. But every piece of advice here has reminded me of what I need to fix about myself. So jazaakAllahu khayran to you and everyone else.
 
Yes, it is about marriage and loneliness and society. But there is a main ingredient to happiness, and I’m not sure why the subject keeps getting swept under the rug, as though it’s unconnected. Allahu ‘Alim, but IT IS CONNECTED. It's beyond connected, and sorry for yelling.  Lips Sealed  Anytime I try to take God (or my relationship) out of the equation when I have a problem, the problem only gets worse. In fact, I'm a firm believer that when I am miserable, it's because there is something lacking in my relationship with God. It's a simple equation that has worked for me, and I hope, works for you (google purification of the heart, it's all over the place). None of us are perfect.

Just my personal experience. Ok, sorry, no more advice. I hope Allah makes it easy for you.  hijabisis

-sofia
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #37 on: Feb 24, 2008 03:43 PM »

 peace be upon you

May Allah give us all strength to cope with our struggles.

Sometimes it's hard, but we must not give in to despair.  I read somewhere that it's a trap of Shaitaan as he himself is without hope.  Let's put our faith in Allah's Infinite Mercy.

From the Qur'an, Surah 7,

13. ((Allah)) said ((to Satan)): "Get thee down from this: it is not for thee to be arrogant here: get out, for thou art of the meanest (of creatures)."

14. He said: "Give me respite till the day they are raised up."

15. ((Allah)) said: "Be thou among those who have respite."

16. He said: "Because thou hast thrown me out of the way, lo! I will lie in wait for them on thy straight way:

17. "Then will I assault them from before them and behind them, from their right and their left: Nor wilt thou find, in most of them, gratitude (for thy mercies)."
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #38 on: Feb 24, 2008 04:06 PM »

Trying spending more time with the Creator of Happiness just you and Him. Just your heart and Him.

SubhanAllah! flowersis  What a wonderful message!  I myself felt a bit of this secret happiness recently:  To love Allah unconditionally.  To love the Creator of Love.  The Most Beautiful. 

Admiring Allah's creations helps me connect with Allah in a small way.  It may sound silly, but these days, whenever I happen to eat strawberries, I can't help but pause to look at it: the color, the shape, the inside; and marvel at its beauty.  Also, thinking of Allah's Words in the Holy Qur'an is another way to feel His Care and strengthen our Trust in Him, in His Divine Plan.  (It's just a start.  I know I have a long way to go.)
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #39 on: Feb 24, 2008 08:22 PM »

As salaamu alaikum

Okay, the "pearls of wisdom" have not gone unheard nor ignored, so if I sounded that way I apologize.  I can't say I'm any calmer or less stressed and fed up than I was before, rather I'm too numb to even exert the effort to care about the situation right now.  I mean if I were to cry anymore I wouldn't be able to function and that benefits no one. Of course neither does a cold, hard heart but there's no more energy to fight keeping a compassionate heart either because it is that type of heart that breaks easily.  So for the time being I'll just go through the motions of life and try to avoid people who will inevitably have what I don't have but want and need.  It will bother me to no be as active as I am used to being but if it will avoid me feeling hurt then it is for the best and there seems to be nothing wrong with being selfish because people do it all the time without guilt and still prosper and the ones with good hearts don't and I'm tired of being on the "don't" side of things.

As salaamu alaikum
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #40 on: Feb 25, 2008 01:18 AM »

Um... Ok...I haven't been on the website for a while and things have changed.
 Im not sure how to post on this new look, but here is my try.

You know what, to me it seems like you are depressed. Now, I'm not a psychologist, and
 not qualified to diagnose you, but you may want to see a psychologist, at least for an
 initial diagnosation. Lol. not sure if that's a word or spelled correctly, but you get what
 i'm saying...

Anyway, been there and done, with depression that is. Sometimes medicine helps. I'm not
 saying that taking anti-depressants will cure your problems or put a smile on your face,
 but it does help keep you sane. And i'm not saying that your insane! Smiley

It's just that, for me at least, it has helped to see a psychologist and take medicine.
 The medicine helps me sleep better, I feel a little more energetic and I don't despair. Of
 course prayers and being steafast and strong helps with all that too.

May Allah help you and your family. I can definately understand your frustrations.

I came to a point in my life where I didn't have any friends that I could talk to about,
 share little happiness or silly stuff with. I couldn't talk to family either. I was
 lonely. So I looked up a good psychologist. Smiley She is a very good listener. Lol. I do pay her
 a good sum of money. However, most insurance companies have a set amount of sessions,
 like 12 I think, that they will provide for. I mean, there's no harm in trying it.

All the best.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #41 on: Feb 25, 2008 12:50 PM »

I still have my sense and sense of humor.  I tried talking to a psychologist once trying to deal with the absolute terror I felt suddenly being alone to raise 2 children after the bum that was their father walked out on me.  Well after sitting there, crying my heart out only to have the woman tell me "well you seem to be depressed", uh something I knew already which is why I went to her in the first place, I dismissed the whole concept.  I don't need to pay someone to tell me something I already know.  We go to people like this for solutions.  If I had continued going I wouldn't be where I am today.  Gainfully employed, educated with a kid in college, a home owner, an activist.  Instead I'd be on anti-depressants or in a psycho ward or on welfare and uneducated.

What is needed is a good man that fears Allah and has a good head on his shoulders.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #42 on: Feb 27, 2008 12:53 AM »

I read Imam Anwar Awlaki’s advice after his imprisonment. 

*You might dislike something but there is a lot of good in it for you (Quran 2:16).

*The Prophet (saw) said: Whatever Allah has decreed for the believer, it is good for him (Muslim).

I think this advice applies to all of us.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #43 on: Feb 27, 2008 12:10 PM »

I read Imam Anwar Awlaki’s advice after his imprisonment. 

*You might dislike something but there is a lot of good in it for you (Quran 2:16).

*The Prophet (saw) said: Whatever Allah has decreed for the believer, it is good for him (Muslim).

I think this advice applies to all of us.


Big sigh, as that then seems to suggest that not being married and having that sense of security and that void filled is in fact destined.  Then that just blows my mind and creates discord as it goes contrary to all else written on the greatness and necessity and purpose of marriage; that some are just not meant to have their fair share like others.
Anonymous
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« Reply #44 on: Feb 28, 2008 05:15 PM »

As-Salaamu `alaykum,

Here's a nice quote, that I think is more relevant to this topic at hand:

Ibn Ata'llah (May Allah Ta'ala show him mercy) said: "Do not despair when in spite of intense supplication, there is a delay in receiving the expected gift. He has guaranteed that he will respond in what He chooses for you, and not what you choose for yourself, and at the time He chooses – not the time you desire."

I hope this helps insha`Allah.

Your sister,
Siham
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #45 on: Mar 03, 2008 02:55 PM »

salaams,

sis you are truly struggling...but at least you've had some experience of marriage/the physical relationship and now have 2 kids.  there are many of us out there who haven't even had that.  and it is not our choice to be in/nearing our 30s having had no relationship because dating is NOT an option.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #46 on: Mar 03, 2008 11:14 PM »

Salaam

Yes, I've had the experience but the experience was anything but pleasant.  Yes, I have 3 children but how much effort is really involved in creating children?  And although I love my children dearly if I knew then what I know now from experience I wouldn't have had them because I would have never been in the relationship that produced them.  Being a single parent is no walk in the park and only adds to the difficulty of finding a decent man not to mention the misery of trying to pull oneself up after dealing with deadbeat guys who contributed nothing to the relationship but were quick to make/create financial hardship.  I'm still at a loss at to what it wrong with our Muslim brothers, yet I'm not ready to completely give up on them -- but I'm reaaaaalllll close.

Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #47 on: Mar 30, 2008 10:32 PM »

As salaamu alaikum

It's been a few weeks since I've last posted, not that the issue hasn't been heavy on my heart because it has been, but because work has been overwhelming.  In fact in the midst of it, the issue has become even more heavy.  It seems that everything keeps leading me down a path of moving further away from even having the opportunty to find anyone.  I say this because instead of fewer things that I care about filling my plate, there may be one additional thing.  I've been asked to serve on the board of another prominet civil rights organization, one that deals with more than just solely Muslim issues.  So it seems that while my work is obviously shunned by Muslim brothers because it means I'm "too out there in the public", the non-Muslim community respects and acknowledges my passion and dedication.  Now how weird is that?  The thing that has benefit to people is the very same thing that makes my brothers run for the hills.

I've been trying to keep up with my reading in order to figure out what the problem is, yet nothing seems to justify it.  And as we read more about men cheating on their wives, hiring prostitutes or of more and more peeople within the LGBT community coming out and demanding full rights, the more discouraged I get.  I mean seriously, even when we have Muslims saying that there is nothing wrong with being part of the LGBT community and thus shunning heterosexual relationships I'm like "oh great, how did I get caught up in the era of Muslim men wanting other men and risking women looking at me in ways that will make me totally uncomfy."  To say that such is a sin and totally nasty would be an understatement but yet here it is a very real issue further complicating the process of people - not just me - getting married.

I spend my professional life battling the flames of discrimination yet can' help shake the feeling that there's a lot of it infecting the ummah but no one wants to speak about it nor do anything about it.

Every lecture dvd I've watched over the past couple of weeks say the same thing, there is a problem a solution is offered but it's not helping me any.  Wonder if I need to move, yet we are told that if we move for the sake of a person then that is all we will get.  So I'm stuck, miserable and feeling my heart growing colder and I hate smiling now because I'm unhappy and am not the type that can hide it (maybe if I were a niqabi I could cover up my sad face, of course then I'd have difficulty driving so that would only further depress me because there's no one to chauffer me around)

If I give up then I'm bound to get sucked into the immorality void that seems to be taking over everywhere; and that frightens the dickens out of me, yet reality check - it would offer something including a bit of happiness and certainly some stress relieve.

Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #48 on: Apr 06, 2008 10:54 PM »

Not feeling any better about the situation today and therefore feeling even less good about myself.  Spending a day at the mall was probably the worst thing I could have done because everywhere I looked there were couples and familie.  I mean come on, even the gays had someone and I was looking pathetic with just my kids.

Whats the point in trying to do good and be good if nothing changes and no one manifests; might as well toss in the hat and the towel and admit defeat and make the open declaration that the ones that did me wrong and now have someone else are vastly better than me even if I know it's a lie and a half.  I'll just have to let them humilate me and even see me cry.
Abdurahman
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Oh Allah, Guide us to the Straight Path.


« Reply #49 on: Apr 08, 2008 09:40 PM »

Honorable sister,


I just read this hadith, which is in Saheeh al Bukhari, may it be a point a reflection for all of us:


"Indeed Allah, if He wishes good for someone, He tries him."


We all need to raise our aspirations.  No one has ever acheived any good except through hardship.  But at the same time, Allah says, He does not wish hardship for us.  In this mystery there is deep wisdom.  When we overcome our selfish desires, we attain to ultimate success.


About going to malls, the least to say is there is a lot of disobedience to Allah there.  The most hated places to Allah on the earth are malls, shops, etc, and the most beloved to Him are the Masajid.  I usually try to avoid malls, unless there is an urgency.



And Allah knows best.





Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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