// At a crossroads, can't keep doing without
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Anonymous
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« Reply #50 on: Jun 23, 2008 10:27 PM »

Believe me I'm done so much self-assessing to see if there's something that I've done/said/thought/desired that was so wrong that I'm getting what I deserve.  Haven't found it yet.  Even asked others that know me well if there's just something wrong with me; they've mentioned nothing and because I trust them I know they would speak truth and tell me if there was something just downright awful about me.
Anonymous
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« Reply #51 on: Jun 24, 2008 08:30 AM »

salam


There is nothing wrong with wanting a husband/wife in ones life. After all isn't marriage meant to be one half of our faith (or something like that?).


I really do not have an answer, but try and stop being so aware of it, I bet no one at the mall thought you were sad, I bet there were other people there, who were either single or just shopping on their own or with their kids sans partner. It's because your single status is such a focal point for you, you think everyone else is staring they're not. We all have our own problems.

I have a friend who is very happy on her own, I really admire her actually dont think she's sad or lonely or helpless or anything like that, just pretty darn fantastic.


Wassalaam
Anonymous
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« Reply #52 on: Jun 24, 2008 11:15 AM »

maybe that iS what you're doing... you're so caught up in your single status, and the fact that God has not yet provided a suitable partner for you, that you're ignoring the blessings around you... for starters... YOUR CHILDREN.

maybe what you need to do is to accept this moment in your life as a single mother of 3, and hope for the best in the future, without letting it affect your morale, self-esteem or the things that are currently crucial for you to value (once again, YOUR CHILDREN). 

Anonymous
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« Reply #53 on: Jun 24, 2008 10:47 PM »

If anything I focus too much on my children; if you will they are my life and they seem to be holding me back and sapping my very life energy from me.   I take my job as mother too seriously and the only time I'm by myself is when I'm at work (oh how exciting or rather how boring is that).    I don't know whether the people in the mall noticed I was sad or not; that wasn't my concern.  I just know that I was sad and nothing brought me joy; certainly not the needless bickering that my kids do (I've been told it's a sibling thing - something else I wouldn't know about as I'm an only child0.  So as the years go by my children will grow up and leave home and I'll be alone and certainly past that "expiration date" that has been mentioned before not to mention I'll be so cold-hearted and bitter that I wouldn't want a man (sadly getting to that juncture right now and that frightens me).

Perhaps I think to much of myself and if I would willingly accept more of what I've known - the ignorant broke broke down wife-beating adulterous type - then I'd at least not be alone anymore (probably just angry and hostile).  I keep praying but without a husband I have no choice but to work and do eveything else so I can't stay lost in prayer all day; if I could then I'd be so focused elsewhere that I would notice that there's no husband around.

Right now I just feel like my life stinks and that it woud be better to just give up.
Anonymous
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« Reply #54 on: Jun 25, 2008 01:36 AM »

Aslamualaikum

Sister we should be living for the hereafter and not this world.  be content with what you have.  There are many single woman with kids out there starving
Anonymous
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« Reply #55 on: Jun 25, 2008 12:52 PM »

Aslamualaikum

Sister we should be living for the hereafter and not this world.  be content with what you have.  There are many single woman with kids out there starving

Well unfortunately I can't or rather won't because then that means accepting that Allah decrees that not everyone is entitled to happiness through marriage and must work harder on the other half of their deen (or rather work twice as hard to accomplish all of it since that one half is denied them).  And not to sound harsh but those sisters out there with children who are starving because they refuse to do anything for themselves I cannot/will not have sympathy for; those who are in such a situation but there is nothing they can do (no jobs available or war torn areas) they I do pray for.
Anonymous
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« Reply #56 on: Jun 25, 2008 01:16 PM »

that's so funny.

you should read through all of your posts again someday when you have the time.

you refuse to feel sorry for someone else's condition/affliction who is worse off than you are, and yet you demand the same sort of sympathy from those around you (as you mentioned, you keep asking your friends if there's something wrong with you) and from Allah (you can't figure out what you've done to deserve this so-called misery).

i think everyone who sorts through and gives you advice on this thread just sighs in exasperation after a little while.  be content, sister.  don't stop trying to find a partner, because inshaAllah there is hope.

but, at the same time, stop feeling sorry for yourself.   humble yourself enough to accept the trial you are going through, and have faith that it will clear up soon inshaAllah.

don't reply to this post until you have actually read through and understood ALL the advice people have taken their valuable time out to give you.

lastly, i'm not attacking you. please know that i make duaa for you and for all the girls out there who are sifting through the challenge of finding decent partners who will help them live their lives as a muslim.
Anonymous
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« Reply #57 on: Jun 25, 2008 02:09 PM »

salam

No actually if you settled for a wife beating adulterer, you'd be dead, suffering from some STD, or severely crippled or working thro the list...

Having been with the above I am personally counting my blessings, I'm sure that this juncture in my life is for the best for me inshallah and my girls. Right now I'm concentrating on making happy memories for my girls and savouring my solitude. I hope I never get into the frame of mind that would cause me to regret my children ever, children and wealth are the treasures of this world (or something like that).

I'd really be careful of what I wish for you know, instead sit down and count your blessings. Personally I have found my prayer bead runs out of beads and the blessings and bounties of Allah continue still.......


Love & Duaas,
Anonymous
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« Reply #58 on: Jun 26, 2008 02:54 AM »

Where exactly is the humor.  If a woman has failed to get a skill and/or education in order to take care of herself and any children if the need arises then how can I a woman who made the sacrifices to gain an education and sound skills to hold and keep a job to provide for myself and my children feel sorry for those who by their own inaction refused to do so?  Of course I feel sympathy for those who are willing and able to work to do what they must but conditions make it such that they are prevented because that situation is beyond their control.  Are we not taught that we must also do things by our own hands and our own actions?  This does not mean lose sight of Allah nor depend upon Him but it also does not mean sit around idle doing nothing to help yourself.  This is not cruel thinking/speech on my part but a realistic outlook.  Sure a woman is not  supposed to have to do such because this is not her prescribed role but when men cannot be counted upon then one must depend upon themselves.  It certainly bothers me that I have to do for self when I would rather not; but given the alternative I am blessed that I can provide for myself and my children.

Actually no I don't demand sympathy from anyone because people are only human and inevitably will let another person down if you put all stock in them.  Many times things bother me immensely yet no one would ever know that there is anything wrong.  Quite frankly it seems that when I do speak up about what is bothering me people really don't want to hear about it anyway.  Now is that human nature or evolved human nature; I don't know.  But I do know that I can't go around forever striving to feel sorry for others while ignoring myself - even if that is what i was taught to always remember that there is someone worse off than I am; I've done that all my life and all it has gotten me is unhappiness and regret and then I get angry with myself when I try the cold-hearted approach that is the norm and that ensures happiness success and pleasure in life.  So I guess I need to suck it up and act like others so I too can get what I want.

So for me to accept that I'm not supposed to be married is unaccptable.  For me to accept that I'm not entitled to the life that a muslimah is supposed to live is unacceptable.   Yes when I finally find someone I will reflect on how I am now and wonder what my issue was; but now I'm in the moment and so feel as I do - unhappy and alone; not to mention exhausted.
Anonymous
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« Reply #59 on: Jun 26, 2008 03:32 AM »

what if you died tommorrow? why waste your time being upset and feeling sorry for yourself. kids die, teenagers die, you may die too
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #60 on: Jun 26, 2008 11:49 AM »

salam

Have you been to the doctors, you sound depressed to me or getting there.

I dont think sympathising about others plight makes your own situation any less hard. Women find themselves unable to work for all sorts of reasons, to write off all women who do not support themselves as unworthy of your sympathy and duaas is majorly off.
Many women have not had the oppurtunities you have had, I know for a fact I am very lucky and priviliged for the oppurtunities I have had and taken. Education is sadly not available for all at the same level, nor are jobs for that matter.

There are people worse off than you, and it does do one good to look at those who are worse off than you on occasion to put into perspective what you do in fact have, a good home, food to eat, nice clothes to wear, a job to go to, friends, family, children to love and pray for you after you die.
So OK they occasionally bicker, but children do that and maybe just maybe they can feel your resentment towards them, children are very very perceptive.

My eldest (who's five), told her best friend at school that she didn't have a daddy anymore, and poor mummy has to do everything all by herself.... I've never said that in front of her, I dont particularly mind doing everything by myself, but clearly my child has noted and been deeply affected by it.

If your feeling this way temporarily hopefully it will pass, if your like this all the time, perhaps you should seek medical assistance.

My mum has been getting increasingly upset about my situation, altho I do get very upset about it (who wouldn't lets face it), but I do think that this temporary affliction was never meant to pass me by, and I am very grateful that it wasn't worse alhumdulillah. And honestly as to the question why me, well why not? Allah tests those of his worshippers he chooses, and it could be a lot worse it could be a lot better of course but hey I have that to look forward to and in the meantime I can be happy with that which I have now subhanallah, alhumdulillah, allahuakbar.



Wassalaam
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