// At a crossroads, can't keep doing without
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Anonymous
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« on: Jan 11, 2008 12:43 PM »


As salaamu alaikum

I've come to realize that I'm at a crossroads.  Having been alone for the better part of 8 years and never truly finding happiness because I allowed that loney, desperate, unfulifilled feeling to take control and thus lead me to be with someone who wasn't in a position to make me happy in the long run, I tried to really think through what characteristics and abilities were critical so as not to fall into the same trap again.  The end result is that I am alone and lonely with a heavy heavy heart   I recently found out that a good friend of mine got married a short time ago (time constraints and busy lives prevented me from finding out in time to attend so I am not upset) still it now has me feeling even more alone.  Yet those from my past who ruined my life and caused misery are happy with someone else with no guilt over what they caused me.

So like I said I'm at a crossroads of what to do.  Knowing that it is quite evident that many of our Muslim brothers aren't interested in Muslim sisters that leaves me where?  To set aside the beautiful path and grab a non-Muslim brother.  Still this decision doesn't sit well with me but if I don't do something and fast I will explode and go into total shutdown which will impact not just me personally but my ability to work and thus the ability to care for my children or myself.  I'm already to the point where I cry more than I smile or laugh and have trouble sleeping because of how I feel.

Patience isn't the answer because I've been patient.  Asking others if they know anyone hasn't helped because they don't or they won't say.  Using online matrimonial sites hasn't helped because they are far too often fraught with people who aren't genuine.  Being active in the local ummah hasn't helped because I'm there but now my heart isn't in it and that bothers me a lot because I'm passionate about what I do because if I wasn't I would have never started.


I can't accept that Allah decreed this because I've done an assessment of my life and I've never done anything to anyone nor anything to justify this punishment.  And if there is something wrong with how I'm designed I had no control over that either.  Even in my desperation situations I didn't do anything to harm the other person except to finally realize that it wasn't working and say so.

We speak so much about what Islam directs, what we should look for in a potential spouse, the do's and don'ts (moral values) yet even when doing all of that we get nothing, then the only question that remains is "Why bother"?  Turmoil of the heart and spirit cannot be ignored and set aside.  We are supposed to have happiness even in the midst of troubled time.  I've read all the passages that relate to ease following hardship but I've seen no ease of the type defined and it is now past time because I have nothing left to give, give up nor lose except my sense of self and self-worth and would rather have some physical enjoyment and pleasure than continue to grow cold, heartless and hateful.

We must always look towards the future in particular having a place in jannah when we leave this plane of existence but the here and now is equally important and suffering in this life is no guarantee of better in the next.



Anonymous
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« Reply #1 on: Jan 11, 2008 01:10 PM »

I can understand how you feel. Everyone always suggests do this, do that. Nothing works. It is very difficult in this day and age for any sister. Just be patient. Keep praying. And don't stop living your life. Stop being miserable all the time and concentrate on other things. Get involved with things you find interesting. Hobbies, interests, organizations. Muslims and non-Muslims. Meet new people. Go to new places. Attend more events. Go shopping. Go to the bookstore. Get involved with your kids lives. Make your circle of friends much larger. Invite different people over. Stay positive.

Stay away from being depressed. The road to depression is a very ugly one. It spirals negatively and sometimes you can never get out. So do everything you can to stay away from that.
Anonymous
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« Reply #2 on: Jan 11, 2008 03:10 PM »

Asalaamoalaikum sis,

Only advice I can give is reading the book 'Don't be Sad', amazingly it helps, Alot!

walaikomasalam
Anonymous
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« Reply #3 on: Jan 12, 2008 01:07 AM »

I can say that I'm quite involved with my children's lives - academics, sports, encouraging their interests in science and art; involved with community oriented activities and charitable causes.  Quite frankly my life seems to be nothing more than my children, my job and volunteerism.  I'm always reading trying to expand my knowledge base.   In essence my life is busy but unfulfilled.  There's no time for going to new places as that requires both time and money and neither is in abudance

Ideally there is no one to invite over because they are busy with their own lives that inclue spouses (or significant others) and children so rarely is there any time to just spend time. and certainly no time for me. I've no family to talk to -- an only child, one deceased parent (whom I miss dearly )  and the other lives in another country.

All I've ever wanted was a good husband,  smart and well-rounded children, happiness and a sense of security even if only in a few ways.  I've had to work hard and for all my effort all I have are intelligent, well-rounded children that have the ability to explore their interests.  They know I'm always there for them even if I'm not there for myself. 

It is as if the very essence of who I am has been crushed and I'm just merely going through the motions.  When I make presentations my heart isn't in them but it seems no one notices since no one really noticed anyway -- afterall a sister apparently isn't supposed to speak from a position of knowledge or authority.

I really wonder what robbed me of my joy.  I used to spend time reading the Quran before bed in fact have been known to fall asleep with it still open next to me and I drifted off with the words I'd just read resonating in my mind and wake up still with it there fresh.  What I found is I still couldn't figure out why what I read wasn't manifest in my life, so I had to stop reading so much as it caused me heartache rather than calm and joy.

There is nothing to hope for anymore and that scares me.  The me I once was is gone and only an empty shell remains.  Many will say that we should not believe that we need another to complete us yet we are told that marriage is half our deen and that we should fear Allah as it relates to the other half.  Well I don't have the half and I do fear Allah over the other half because my heart should be in it as should my mind but without the one half I can't focus on the other half like I want to.

Being alone is not all the bliss it is cracked up to be and as times get harder and harder for Muslims it becomes even more critical and increasingly more important for me.

I'm to the point where I don't sleep much and when I do sleep it is not refreshing because I'm over tired.  I eat but do so more because the clock dictates so it is more reflex or habit since often I'm really hungry.  I do know I'm blue but since I still function even if on automatic pilot, I doubt I've entered the realm of depression.

We are told that as Muslims we aren't to date, but it seems to be becoming the trend so I question why I'm trying to go against the trend when it is exhausting.  I even considered going so far as to declare myself "old" and not have to worry about my appearance.  It's a dilemma that is not of my making and that despite my best efforts I have limited control over.
Anonymous
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« Reply #4 on: Jan 12, 2008 06:12 AM »

dont go looking for happiness, happiness is in the little things we do.. maybe you u need set a time and do what you like to do.. enjoy your self.. take a bubblebath,, go play some sports or watch a movie with a friend... do what you like to do... make your kids happy , u will feel happy in makeing others happy. in the meantime you can try islamicmarriage sites..or get active in your masjid..who knows maybe you will find someone their.. .. I mean lets say you found someone good.. thats not necessarily gonna keep you happy everyday of your life.. its the little things we do that keepus happy .. dont worry about you growing old.. if someone is meant for you then you will be married again.. it wont matter whether you go dating or not. I mean I know nonmuslims who go dating and they still can t seem to find the 'right ' person.. take up a hobby we are here to please Allah swt ..when we pray and fulfill our obligations that is when we feel peace and happiness.
may Allah swt make things eazy on you and may you find the person who is best for you
take care and salaam
your in my duasand keep meinyours
Anonymous
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« Reply #5 on: Jan 12, 2008 01:07 PM »

 peace be upon you

Sister where are you based?

 :wsalam:
Anonymous
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« Reply #6 on: Jan 12, 2008 02:50 PM »

I know that there are some non-Muslims who go out dating and still don't find the "right" person. and end up bachelors/bacheloretts for life.   I guess what it is is that they are at least having some enjoyment while finding out that the person isn't the "right" one.

To answer the query - I'm in upstate New York.   Some on this board in the area most likely know me and exactly where in upstate I mean, but probably never knew the angst I'm in because I'm a master of concealing it and that too is exhausting.
Anonymous
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« Reply #7 on: Jan 12, 2008 05:45 PM »

But the enjoyment that they have while dating is short lived, not worth it in the end.  And like someone said, if you are meant to get married, its already written for you and dating won't change it. 

Looking at what you posted, i'd say alhamdulilah!  You have children who are good and practicing.  Thats not something everythign can say.  That alone would make people feel like they are on top of the world. 

You could find a spouse, what if you feel worse after that?  You probably see married people all around you, but that doesn't necesarily make them happy, some may be miserable.  Remember, there are people in situations worse than your own.

So like someone said, its the little things that keep one happy.  Don't stop praying, don't stop making dua because Allah is listening and he is testing you.  Don't forget its all a test, so don't give up.  Be strong, put your faith in Allah and you'll see!
Abdurahman
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Oh Allah, Guide us to the Straight Path.


« Reply #8 on: Jan 12, 2008 09:34 PM »

Asalamualaikum wa rahmatallah,


Honorable sister,

All praises are due to Allah, Lord of the Universe.


There is no doubt that Allah most High has created a natural desire in human beings to marry, and have relations with his or her spouse.  What you are experiencing of whispers from the Shaitan is something that is unfortunately common amongs believers living in the disbelieving societies that are replete with temptations and disobedience of Allah.

Let me remind you that Allah has created this Universe to test our faith, and that mujahada (struggle) is part of every Muslims life.  Allah the Almighty says in the Quran:

And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones).

 
Know that the Lord of the Universe will obliterate this Dunya and bring all of us before Him on a Mighty Day.  Remember that death is rapidly approaching, and we are nothing but days soon to expire.  The successful indeed are those who turn in repentance.


Surely the believers will be tested, and living in the West we will be tempted the shaitan will attack us from all directions, so we must hold fast to the Rope of Allah--The Quran.  Hold on to your faith like your most prized possession, for you have been chosen by Allah to enter this deen of Tawheed, and indeed this is a sign of His Love and a great favor upon you.


I advise you, my honorable sister, to abondon the sources of doubt that are afflicting you.  Most likely this will be in the form of news articles about politics and hateful remarks being made about the deen, the talk of ignorant people who dispute with the Laws of Allah, and other writings that intend to spread doubts amongst the believers.  You are waging a battle far greater than any you have faced in your life against your arch-foe, the cursed Shaitan.  Do not concern yourself with the worldy affairs of the Ummah at this time, as your life, your true eternal life, is being threatened.  Again, news and politics should not be your concern at this time.


You must surround yourself with the circles of knowledge and increase your fiqh, with includes aqeedah, sunnah of the Prophet, and the pious sayings of the predecessors.  Seek out the people of knowledge, and learn from them.  Read about the lives of the righteous female sahabah, and emulate them.  Be steadfast in your prayers, and cry to the Lord of the Universe in the darkness of night, seeking His Bounty.  Remember Allah the Almighty's words:

002.186 When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, listen to My call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way.


I leave you with a story of some of the righteous of our Ummah:



During the time of ‘Umar there was a young man who’s desires got the best of him. It all started with the look and the next thing the young man was alone with a woman. Suddenly, as the clock was starting to turn, the young man heard a verse of Qur’an being recited that reminded him of Allah’s greatness. He left the young woman, stood up shaking from the fear of Allah and fell dead from this fear. ‘Umar (may Allah have mercy on him) buried this youth and after hearing how he died walked over to the fresh grave and recited the following verse from Surah al-Rahman, “And for the one who fears the meeting with Allah there are two gardens.” Suddenly a response came from the grave reciting the verse, “We have found the promise of our Lord to be true.”



May Allah make you firm on the Word (There is no god except Allah), and make us all steadfast on the Faith.


Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
Abdurahman
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Oh Allah, Guide us to the Straight Path.


« Reply #9 on: Jan 12, 2008 10:11 PM »

Asalamualaikum wa rahmatallah,


Honorable sister,

Allah praises be to Allah.


Marriage has been legislated by the Lord of the Universe as a means of protecting our chastity and honor.  Islam abolished the illigitimate forms of marriage that existed before Islam, and made marriage easy for those who seek piety.  In fact, no elaborate ceremony is needed.  Simply put, the marriage will be complete if the wife-to-be's wali offers, and the husband-to-be accepts, and a mahr is agreed upon, and there are two witnesses to the contract.


Unfortunately, we Muslims place many obstacles in the way of marriage.  My suggestions for you are:


1.)  Try to remove some of your conditions for marriage.  Some examples: flexible about traveling, leaving one's job, moving to a Muslim land, housing, etc.

2.)  Use your local community and search locally, or let the local imam know about your interest in marriage.  There are always brothers keen on getting married.

3.)  If there were interests in the past, try to reconnect.  Perhaps let them know that you are willing to make some more accommodations.


There are a few other things I would like to mention regarding marriage.  Polygyny is permissable in Islam, and a Muslim man is allowed up to 4 wives, provided he takes care of each and is fair.  This is the Law of Allah.  Does it make sense that if a man is found with a woman, and he says she is his wife, they throw him in jail.  But if he says it's his girlfriend, its no problem.  This is a flaw in the understanding of people.  More people have polygynous relationships in the West than in the Muslim world, but they don't call it polygyny.  Women in Germany lobbyied for polygyny, and despite this fact, many had to turn to prostitution, which is legal now in Germany.  They are even issued government IDs.



May Allah make it easy for the believers, and with Allah is all Strength.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
Anonymous
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« Reply #10 on: Jan 13, 2008 02:53 AM »

As salaamu alaikum

While some of the suggestions made are sound, there is a difference between compromise/accommodation and completely setting aside what is important to the individual.  Take for example, where is the compromise in a willingness to be with someone that doesn't believe that women should receive or possess a higher education simply because he doesn't have one and surrounds himself with people of the same mindset?  This would require purposely dumbing oneself down and not expressing an opinion or offering a correction when something incorrect is said.  Or where is the compromise in beng with someone that doesn't believe in bettering himself and as such holds the lowest paying of jobs and yet can't understand why he doesn't advance in his workplace?  Where is the compromise in being with someone that doesn't think women should be in the masjid if it means there's no place for other men who arrive late? (with the expectation that women should vacate to make room).  And where exactly is the compromise in being with someone who won't shed his "Western" wear but has a spaz and a half if a woman wears anything but Islamic attire at all times.  Where is the equity if only the sister has to make concessions but the brother doesn't.

Now perhaps there are supposedly always brothers out there looking to get married but clearly their criteria list is more complex and there is an absolute refusal to compromise or be accommodating.  And among those are the ones that shouldn't be looking to get married since they aren't in a position to do so.  Believe me I have no problem with the leaving one's job issue, moving to a Muslim land issue or moving to another area issue.  So long as what I go to is comparable or better to what I'm leaving behind.  As is said "I can do bad by myself; I don't need anyone's help".  So it would be foolish to give up what I do have financially/materially to willingly go to something vastly worse.  In life I believe that to the extent we can we are to move forward not backwards.  I believe in progression not regression.  Truth be told I even don't object to the polygymy factor.   In fact it would offer the opportunity to have my own thinking time or time to continue with things I'm passionate about while still offering the security and peace of mind that is missing rightnow.   Yes it is problematic that society doesn't embrace it but embraces adultery or other forms of promiscious behavior.

Yes I know that there are many married couples that seem happy on the outside but less than happy on the inside; still at least they are a couple.  And as long as they are seen together then things can't be too bad.

Yes I take joy in my children being good kids and know that I'm blessed in that regard.  Still my life cannot revolve around them as they won't be here forever and I'll really be alone since even the cat has her own aloof "diva kitty" attitude and only bothers with me when she wants something or decides she wants to cuddle for a minute.

It is a test but a lengthy one which I've endured longer than is realistic or even just, thus my being at the crossroads where I'm going to crack and not be able to keep putting on the happy face.  It makes me feel like I've been forgotten and cast aside and drained too.

As salaamu alaikum

Anonymous
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« Reply #11 on: Jan 13, 2008 05:59 PM »

Yes I know that there are many married couples that seem happy on the outside but less than happy on the inside; still at least they are a couple.  And as long as they are seen together then things can't be too bad.

Yes I take joy in my children being good kids and know that I'm blessed in that regard.  Still my life cannot revolve around them as they won't be here forever and I'll really be alone since even the cat has her own aloof "diva kitty" attitude and only bothers with me when she wants something or decides she wants to cuddle for a minute.

It is a test but a lengthy one which I've endured longer than is realistic or even just, thus my being at the crossroads where I'm going to crack and not be able to keep putting on the happy face.  It makes me feel like I've been forgotten and cast aside and drained too.

Just because they can be civil in public long enough to be seen together, doesn't mean it can't be that bad.  Trust me, i know couples who's home life is horrible, miserable, or as people say 'a living hell', but when they are out and about they hid it quite well.

And yes it is a lengthy test, but how can you say it is not just?  who are we to judge that?  If something is happening to us by the will of Allah, it is just, we just have to realize what we don't have is not necesarily good for us. 

Think of what you do have, and how you would feel if you didn't have it, as some don't have the pleasure of having as much as you do.  Be thankful for what you have, and put your trust back in Allah.  Don't live for the future of what you might not have tomorrow, think of today.
Anonymous
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« Reply #12 on: Jan 13, 2008 07:24 PM »


Just because they can be civil in public long enough to be seen together, doesn't mean it can't be that bad.  Trust me, i know couples who's home life is horrible, miserable, or as people say 'a living hell', but when they are out and about they hid it quite well.

And yes it is a lengthy test, but how can you say it is not just?  who are we to judge that?  If something is happening to us by the will of Allah, it is just, we just have to realize what we don't have is not necesarily good for us. 

Think of what you do have, and how you would feel if you didn't have it, as some don't have the pleasure of having as much as you do.  Be thankful for what you have, and put your trust back in Allah.  Don't live for the future of what you might not have tomorrow, think of today.
~~~~~~~

If I think just of what I have today, then what is that.  My health, despite constant exhaustion from doing everything by myself.  My intelligence, yet it seems to be a problem for a lot of people.  My right mind, even if it is muddled by the angst of being alone.  My loving heart that is growing colder by the day because reality cannot be ignored.  The internal pressure that has no viable means of release.  My passion for worthy causes, even if it is waning because it is seemingly of no benefit to care when others are focused only on the self.  A job that sort of pays the bills but offers no breathing room to permit me to get away even for a short time.  My today resembles my yesterday and gives little to no hope of a better tomorrow.

I can say it feels unjust to be subjected to such a lengthy test when I see those who are vile, vicious, self-centered, self-righteous - pick an adjective - married or at least enjoying the most vital pleasure of life and I can't even hope for similar anymore yet I'm too foolish to give up trying.
Anonymous
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« Reply #13 on: Jan 14, 2008 03:06 PM »

Asalamoalaikum Sr.
If you are interested in marriage, I know someone who is interested in marriage.
Please email me via this board.
WS,
Mina
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #14 on: Jan 14, 2008 03:12 PM »

I just realized that this is set up as anonymous. Ooops. ok..just check out my intro in the intro section. - Mina. 
Anonymous
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« Reply #15 on: Jan 19, 2008 12:50 PM »

 I can say it feels unjust to be subjected to such a lengthy test [/quote]

I know how you feel, Sis.  I have no answers.  I pray Allah Ta'ala grants you a companion who will love you and your kids.  I pray for hope.
Anonymous
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« Reply #16 on: Jan 20, 2008 09:52 AM »

[slm]

May Allah ease your difficulty with khair.

I don't think it's punishment, I think it's a test.
And I don't think its about being deserving, it's about being thankful.

We are tested according to our capacities.  Personally, I think that taking the marrying a non-muslim route... or not marrying and having an intimate relationship with someone... is not going to make you feel better.

It's like getting a good grade without studying... even though there is a small amount of happiness associated with the results, there is a sense of loss about the process.  If you keep your hopes up (and yes, sabr and duaa might be your only outlet for now), you will feel much happier when you ARE happily married (inshaAllah).  But if you dwell in the angst, and then all of a sudden get married to a great guy (which you will, inshaAllah)...the past will feel like one gigantic, terrible memory.

Wasalaam. 
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #17 on: Jan 20, 2008 02:41 PM »

It is still human nature to want to be happy while on the journey and not continuously experience unhappiness.  I know that the road to paradise is paved with hardship and the road to the pits of fire are paved with pleasure but still one wants some pleasantness on the hard road.

I'm not so sure that it's a matter of being thankful,  however when you consider that the ones who have it easy are rarely thankful for what they have but rather want more and more and those who receive little are thankful with what they have but still would like to have more.

The joy of marriage should not come at a time when one cannot fully enjoy all it entails otherwise marriage would not be made to be of such importance; constituting half of one's deen.  Now for some they could care less if they are married or not but for those that place importance on it, not having it lends itself to misery of great proportion and can impact clarity on other issues because nothing else matters in that moment.



 
Anonymous
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« Reply #18 on: Jan 30, 2008 05:28 PM »

As-salaamu alaykum, dear sister,
Just a few things: I married late (relatively speaking). I didn't make any changes to the strict criteria I was looking for in a man, so while many of my friends got married years (and one, even a decade) before me, I didn't really worry too much. And no, I didn't date or socialize with men, nor did I regret it. To the contrary, I thank God I never fell into dating, etc.  I knew that if I were to marry, it would be for the right reasons, bi'ithnillah. And if I didn't marry, Allah would provide for me (provide meaning, would provide me with means). And both were true, alhamdulillah.

There are sooo many things I miss now about being single, but you're right, there's a sense of security in a good marriage. But what % of marriages are good? I know someone who is strapped for cash because her husband won't spend on her kid's medical bills. I know another from my mother's generation who is miserable in her marriage because she and her husband never really saw eye-to-eye on anything (esp. deen), and so she endured/suffered through her 30+ year marriage,  and is still looking for a way out. The few examples of "good" marriages I know (that are still left standing) are still struggling through tough times. Allah gave us the guidelines, but how many of us ignore them, and then end up being miserable? Not speaking of you, of others with miserable relations (whether with a spouse, relative, friend, neighbor). Marriage takes work, and it's the hardest thing I've ever been through (personally, I wouldn't go back to being single, but if I picked the wrong man, you darn straight I would rather be single).

Anywhere you go, whether individually or with someone, you will struggle. That's the name of the game.
If, at any point, you feel you've been dealt with unjustly, take it to God. He hears every complaint (and He should be the One to hear it, since He can change it). Prophet Jacob (pbuh) used to complain to God in his du'aas, saying, I only complain to you. And he struggled for years.

Does God deal with us in an unjust way? Careful.
He is what we deem Him to be.
Positive thinking affects us emotionally, physically, and yes, spiritually. Negative thinking (esp. about our Creator) will affect you in an inverse way at every level, and you see it now.

Get to know more people. Social involvement cheers us up due to certain hormones perking up. Humans are social by nature. We need/crave other people for a variety of reasons. Since when do we (as singles or whatever) have to hole ourselves up and give up our lives? Get to the masjid, talk to people about what you're looking for. How would anyone know to help you if they don't know? If we're supposed to network to get a good job, why not network to get a good man? Allah is the best of Planners, but we shouldn't sit at home waiting for it to fall into our laps. Trust in Allah, but tie your camel, too!  Embarrassed
May Allah give you something better than you can imagine, as He has given it to me. And as you already know, with every hardship that is endured with patience, sins fall off of us. Tahoor, insha'Allah.
Anonymous
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« Reply #19 on: Jan 30, 2008 11:43 PM »

As salaamu alaikum

Everytime I think that I should be doing more - telling more people I'm looking, being out in the community more, etc. - the more upset I get because I can't do anymore nor talk anymore without risking getting a serious attitude which would be way out of character for me.  As much as I'd like to spend even more time at the masjid or attend the various conferences or lectures I always find out about, that just isn't possible because I still have to go to work, care for myself and my children (which means be responsible and pay bills rather than go where I'd like to go).  The more I think about how I perhaps need to be more patient the more upset I get because my patience has stretched further beyond the limits of human capability.  For everything I struggle and rarely reach the light at the end of the tunnel but yet see others do little struggle and reach the light at the end of their tunnel a lot faster because their tunnel is shorter.  When I reflect on just how long the whole thing has been going on the more I realize that it has gone on most of my life.  I was never good enough and was either considered too smart for people to want to be around me or not smart enough (still not sure how on,e can be both).  I give of myself and yet come to realize that I'm perhaps respected for the courage to take the stand but by the same token not considered marriage material because of it.  It really seems as if I'm not supposed to have standards and certainly not options.

Previously someone suggested that I try to reconnect with prior prospects.  Why exactly would I do that?  Why would anyone do that?  I have too much self-respect to put myself in a position to be rejected again or for that matter to remember why I didn't pursue the possibility in the first place.  And it's worse when they reject me, opt for another, find it doesn't work and then try to look me up again and can't figure out why I won't give them the time of day.  Smply put, if I wasn't good enough for you then I'm not good enough for you now.

Sure I know that there are people who ultimately find out that they aren't happen in their marriages and that marriage does take work but it takes the work of both parties.  And sometimes it is best to just let go rather than live in misery. 

It is clearly stated and oft repeated that we as Muslims should not be caught up in the attitudes of non-Muslims and use the superficial criteria they use but it is udeniable that such guidance is rejected time and again.  All I can do is cry and even that is getting tiresome because I just can't have the good cry I want to have.  I wouldn't wish my life on anyone, not even my worst enemy because it is just too sad.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #20 on: Jan 31, 2008 10:36 PM »

All praise be to Allah.


May Allah make things easy for you sister.  I understand the difficulty you are going through.  Just try to keep remembering the words of Allah:

"And I did not create the Jinn nor mankind except to worship Me."


That is what our goal and purpose is in this world.  All other things are secondary issues.


Mujahada against the nafs is the hardest struggle a human can go through.  In fact, I can tell you from experience, it will require enormous will-power on your part to oppose your nafs.  But you will taste its benefits, as Allah will reward you with a Great reward from Himself, as one who dies opposing his or her nafs is promised a reward from Allah.


When choosing your spouse, you shouldn't pay so much attention to worldy factors.  Deen and character should be your main concern.

The reason for this is that a man with Deen will ensure that you and your family will stay connected to Allah, and this will lead to your families success in the afterlife.

And if he has good character, he will keep good relations with the people, which is a quality of a good husband.  Don't let your pride prevent you from accepting an otherwise good spouse.


May Allah guide you to follow the Sunnah of the Prophet (s).


And Allah knows best.


Shaykh Abdurahman
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #21 on: Feb 03, 2008 04:12 AM »

Assalaamu alaykum,

Quote
I can say it feels unjust to be subjected to such a lengthy test.

Sister, have you not seen someone in a wheelchair?
have you not seen someone who has never married or had marital relations (dating or otherwise), and who is now in their 30s or 40s (I have)?
have you not seen a parent with a mentally or physically disabled child (a single friend of mine just called about her son, whose services are not available where she would like to work)?
have you not seen someone who can't have children at all? Can you imagine that?
have you not seen someone who cannot eat, a ni'ma that we take for granted (I have, and she's slowly dying due to an intestinal abnormality)?

As much as your life is "sad", you must remember this (Umar ibn Al-Khattab's advice when he was afflicted with a problem):
Make shukr that the problem is not in your deen, but in a dunya matter.
Have patience, since it could always be worse.

Allah (swt) has said in the Qur'an: “No calamity befalls you on the earth or in yourselves but it is inscribed in the Book of Decrees (Al Lawh Al Mahfooth) before We bring it into existence. Verily, that is easy for Allah” [al-Hadeed 57:22]

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” As Muslims, we believe in Qadr/Qadaa', right? What you're passing through is part of your destiny. But also keep in mind that we're made with free will, and "...Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change themselves." (Qur'an 13:11)

This really isn't about marriage.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #22 on: Feb 04, 2008 02:08 AM »

Assalaamu alaykum,

Quote
I can say it feels unjust to be subjected to such a lengthy test.

Sister, have you not seen someone in a wheelchair?
have you not seen someone who has never married or had marital relations (dating or otherwise), and who is now in their 30s or 40s (I have)?
have you not seen a parent with a mentally or physically disabled child (a single friend of mine just called about her son, whose services are not available where she would like to work)?
have you not seen someone who can't have children at all? Can you imagine that?
have you not seen someone who cannot eat, a ni'ma that we take for granted (I have, and she's slowly dying due to an intestinal abnormality)?

As much as your life is "sad", you must remember this (Umar ibn Al-Khattab's advice when he was afflicted with a problem):
Make shukr that the problem is not in your deen, but in a dunya matter.
Have patience, since it could always be worse.

Allah (swt) has said in the Qur'an: “No calamity befalls you on the earth or in yourselves but it is inscribed in the Book of Decrees (Al Lawh Al Mahfooth) before We bring it into existence. Verily, that is easy for Allah” [al-Hadeed 57:22]

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” As Muslims, we believe in Qadr/Qadaa', right? What you're passing through is part of your destiny. But also keep in mind that we're made with free will, and "...Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change themselves." (Qur'an 13:11)

This really isn't about marriage.

As salaamu alaikum

Yes, I would believe we have all seen someone in a wheelchair and in some instances seen that same person with someone who loves them and as such does not "see" the wheelchair.  Yes, I know someone who cannot ever have children and her life is filled in ways I cannot imagine - less worry about staying in a job disliked, the ability to freely travel without concern of being away too long, etc.  Yes I know of people with severely handicapped or disabled children and in some instances it is the stability of having a spouse that enables them to keep going. I personally do not know anyone who is now in their 30s or 40s but has had no relationship of any kind and even if I did, that would be a personal choice that (s)he has made. 

Of course I've considered that perhaps there is some "flaw" or "defect" in my deen that has resulted in this, yet none that know me well have pointed out any such flaw and I know that since they care about me they would say if there was so it is not my own belief that I'm an inherently good person.  Still, if that were to be determining factor then those who do have such "flaws" or "defects" would not be married either.  I am not perfect, never pretended to be and none of us walking around today are perfect.

If I were to embrace the notion that this is my destiny then I'd be even more miserable because it would be hard to fathom that misery is destined for anyone.  Do I think that in my "desperation" I made some hasty decisions; well of course but as a mere mortal being one cannot be expected to remain without human contact; if such were so then it would be commanded of us to forgo such things.    I cannot be expected to be stonger than anyone else so I don't place that burden in my lap nor on my shoulders.  Still I'm at this crossroads and must make a decision because I've contemplated it for too many years and put up with it for too many years and been by myself while again the very same ones who walked away from me after giving grief have moved on to do the same to others so they are at least enjoying themselves while again I am not.

This is much about marriage as it and the complete family unit is the foundation of society.   

As salaamu alaikum.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #23 on: Feb 08, 2008 06:41 AM »

peace be upon you

The thing is - and I think this is what everyone is having a problem with - is that you seem a little ungrateful. Where you can find something going well with the life of the guy in the wheelchair, I'm sure the guy in the wheelchair can look at you and say..."well at least you have legs". And then you can say, "But at least you have love." And then he can say, "But at least you aren't helpless"...and then you reply, "but at least you're not desperate."

Useless line of banter, really.  EVERYONE has tests, by no means are they all the same, and by no means is your test easy, fair, or even well-deserved.  We, as mortals, cannot quantify what we deserve or what is just.  You are also not the only single mother looking for a relationship.  And you are not the only person undergoing a test which is trying your faith, hope, or steadfastness. 

The POINT, my dear sister, is NOT to lose faith, hope or steadfastness.  The point of these tests is to overcome them, and to believe strongly in our Creator that every dificult will pass and will brighten up to a better time.  And that better times are not permanent in this dunya.  Getting that A+ for effort is all we can do in the meantime.

Easier said than done, I know.  Not being married is a DIFFICULT thing...and not just for the physical aspect that you speak of in your earlier posts.  It is hard work to maintain your sanctity.  We all sympathize and some of us understand that pain all too well, I'm sure...
My request to you is to pray.  And don't lose hope in your prayer. Don't play the blame game with Allah.  Let Him know that you are helpless, and that you are turning to Him. 

Pay attention to your kids. While you are being tested by not having a partner, you have been blessed, and have been granted the very noble position of being a mother....

And maybe? Just maybe it's better than the guy on the wheelchair.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #24 on: Feb 08, 2008 06:44 AM »

peace be upon you

P.S. misery is not destined for ANYone. Our religion doesn't teach us sadism.


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