// Being a Muslim Woman
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Anonymous
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« on: Dec 22, 2008 02:41 AM »


Being a muslim woman is shown to be the greatest thing in life.  Free from the burden of the burdens of "outside" life because there is always to be a man responsible for her care - her father in childhood; her husband in adulthood; and her son in old age.  She is free to expand her mind and strengthen her faith and make home a haven for her husband and nuture and guide her children. 

When she goes outside she is covered and thus protected from the prying eyes of others and spared the 'cat calls' that plague her non-Muslim counterparts. 

All that sounds so great but reality always has a way of slapping a person in the face.

Fathers aren't always there and so where is the love of a father she is supposed to have?

Being covered means no one notices her and so a husband won't be found.  Being good and virtuous and striving to live right proves to be useless.  Men notice her non-Muslim counterparts in abudance and actively seek after them while the Muslimah is left wondering what she did wrong and worse yet faced with casting aside her covering and turning her back on the "beautiful" path in order to find happiness and a husband.  I mean shorten the skirt; wear some uncomfortable high heels; uncover the hair; apply some make up and "poof" there's a line of prospects for the taking because they will willingly do what they need to and satisfy every and any need or desire she has just to be the one to claim the prize.

No one knows why or if they do they do know they refuse to speak because they know the reason goes totally against Islam but is right in line with human nature.  When one denies themselves the desires of the flesh there is no reward not in this life nor the next.  So who is fooling who?  It is undeniable that it is far better to wait until after marriage to hide oneself behind the flowing fabric but to land the man you got to let it all hang out.

A Muslim woman is supposed to be a treasure but as long as she's covered and unnoticed no one will ever treasure her and then she is lost and forgotten just like all other buried treasures.

Not worth the headache and certainly not the heartache anymore.  This life is too short to be a foolish martyr while all around everyone else is enjoying and savoring all the pleasure of life.
Anonymous
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« Reply #1 on: Dec 22, 2008 02:54 AM »

This is your nafs talking, and probably a lot of shaytan.

It's like someone saying "OH all these college kids are having a good time getting drunk and enjoying themselves every night getting laid. And here I am stuck in this stupid dorm room studying. WHY SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER? I can get any kind of job after I graduate. I'm going to go out and HAVE FUN."

Uhhhhhhhhh okkk you do that!! Sounds stupid doesn't it... think about what you wrote again. It's the exact same thing.



Anonymous
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« Reply #2 on: Dec 23, 2008 09:39 PM »

Assalamualaikum

Quote
I mean shorten the skirt; wear some uncomfortable high heels; uncover the hair; apply some make up and "poof" there's a line of prospects for the taking because they will willingly do what they need to and satisfy every and any need or desire she has just to be the one to claim the prize.

What kind of husband do you want? I doubt you'll find a decent practising Muslim guy to marry while wearing mini skirts and high heels. I agree with Anonymous 1, it's just the whisperings of Shaytan trying to mislead you. Put your trust in Allah and everything will be alright insha-Allah.

Wassalam
Anonymous
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« Reply #3 on: Dec 24, 2008 12:45 AM »

Well considering that one can spend years in college studying and then not get a job in the field they studied for then there are people asking "What did I bother studying for?" and "How am I going to pay for this now wasted education?"  So yes one should have fun and happiness in this life; life is too danged short to shortchange oneself or permit others to shortchange us.

If it is shaytan whispering in my ear then he's whispering even louder in the ears of the brothers (decent or otherwise) that opt for anything/anyone other than a Muslim woman under the guise of "giving dawah" and showing her the "right" path.  When one considers that a woman sells herself when she gets married (a dowry is nothing more than a payment/purchase price) why then is that not considered 'cheapening' herself but getting what she wants from whoever no matter what she has to do and with no strings attached is?

I can no longer afford to say I simply want "a decent practicing Muslim man" because it's obvious that's not going to happen unless I'm willing to forego human needs for another 7+ years and that is longer than anyone should have to wait - it goes beyond patience and enters the realm of stupidity.  No normal woman should have to go that long and I "challenge" anyone to say otherwise; and no normal man would go that long.

Furthermore (and don't misinterpret this but then again I guess I'm at the point of not caring anymore) there is nothing wrong with putting faith in Allah (and in fact is a wise thing) however one also must do for self lest one get left behind and never rewarded in this life.  No one will remember this life during the next one but that doesn't mean we must shun happiness in this life in order to hope we get it in the next.  Given all I've been through I wish I could just turn my back on all men because they aren't worth it. 

In this life I've learned that virtue is not valued and anyone that says otherwise is either a liar or is in denial.  I'm neither and so have to speak truth and live in reality.

Some might even go so far as to sugges that marriage is no guarantee of happiness and I would agree whole-heartedly HOWEVER at least there is some happiness and some happenings in marriage.
Anonymous
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« Reply #4 on: Dec 24, 2008 05:05 AM »

why are we going through this type of talk again? These have been discussed again and again in various threads. I think its more productive to discuss issues that would help increase our iman then a depressing vent like this.

Allahua'lam
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #5 on: Dec 26, 2008 01:21 AM »

Actually when one's heart is in turmoil  due to the lack of a personal relationship one cannot focus one faith because Islam focuses much attention on interpersonal relationships of any type - including compassion for others and it gives the guidance for the male/female relationship. and the proper criteria in spouse selection (which has obviously been ignored by the arrogant and self-righteous out there that have deluded themselves into believing they are the greatest thing walking and that everyone else is dirt).   As such there is no escape from the reality of an empty heart.

It is harder on a woman who is repeatedly shown in Islam that her life is not supposed to be harsh and that she is not forced to be out among the "world of men" but when there isn't one in her life she is absolutely denied her rights in Islam.    There is no sympathy (which also goes against Islamic teachings)  and there is no solution nor substitution (even if one is overwhelmed with the availability of "toys" and films).

Focus should be placed on the next life but when this life is miserable one cannot care about what is unknown and unseen.

I've often pondered how some Muslim women and men can turn to a partner of the same gender but realizing just how difficult people make finding/forming a proper relationship there is no wonder anymore.  I find the thought repulsive but I at least understand the "rationale" better.

Quite frankly a lot of topics have been oft-repeated in various threads.  Why?  Because they are important to the ones that bring them up and post to those threads.  This is the exact same situation.  Those that are married and those that don't care if they ever get married certainly don't understand and find it objectionable but there are those that are single and do care that they are and are absolutely and unquestionably miserable and depressed and bitter and angry as heck.  It is as if Allah just chose them to suffer endlessly and I've not seen where that is the way things go; force some to suffer continuously their entire adult lives. 
Anonymous
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« Reply #6 on: Dec 26, 2008 03:41 PM »

No doubt it's tough not being married.  But the dejected tone of voice that some people opt to use will never make life any better, and is certainly not the best way to cope with things.

So if you want to wear the mini-skirt and have a boyfriend, or try the homosexual route (as the last anonymous suggested), then why be morose or torn about it?  Just do it.  See if it fills the void.  See if the line-up of "suitors" is the kind you would like to spend a meaningful life with.  See if the catcalls make a difference to your feeling of self-worth.

Why complain? And why say, "well I would do it, but Islam is so restrictive."  Boohoo... no one's forcing you to follow its teachings, or to remain Muslim, for that matter.  And if  you don't wish to tolerate the tests He's blessed you with (He thinks you're worthy of this test, ever thought of that way?), then so be it.  Make your choices, and don't complain about them.

Don't blame Islam for your frustrations and inner angst.  And fyi, people DO go 7+ years without illicit relationships, and without sex.  They do it successfully, and I'm sure they will be rewarded for it greatly.  We are never burdened with anything greater than we can bear. 

To the original poster: come on... don't insult your own intelligence.

To the last poster: it's not your heart that's in turmoil.  This feeling you're expressing - people experience it even when they are in loving relationships.  I don't follow half of what you wrote (toys? films? what?!),  but happiness and contentment HAS to be sought out in something other than a man.  You're not addressing the real issues.

With the best of duaas to all those who are single: may you find amazing spouses.
Anonymous
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« Reply #7 on: Dec 26, 2008 05:27 PM »

Being covered means no one notices her and so a husband won't be found.  Being good and virtuous and striving to live right proves to be useless...  It is undeniable that it is far better to wait until after marriage to hide oneself behind the flowing fabric but to land the man you got to let it all hang out.

I have to disagree with you here.  When I first met my husband (i.e. before we were married) I wore hijab.  The fact that I was covered actually made a strong impression on him and that is one of the reasons he asked for my hand in marriage.  This is also true for my friends who all wear hijab- every one of them who is now married wore hijab at the time they first met their potential husbands.  So basically your argument doesn’t stand at all.  It proves to be useless?  Really?  I would so have to disagree.  Those who are around me that I perceive as being good and virtuous are the types of people I wish to spend my time with.  I actually actively seek out their company.  These are the people I respect, and it was these qualities that attracted my husband and myself to each other.

Men notice her non-Muslim counterparts in abudance and actively seek after them while the Muslimah is left wondering what she did wrong and worse yet faced with casting aside her covering and turning her back on the "beautiful" path in order to find happiness and a husband. 

Is that really happiness that she finds though?  How can one be truly happy when one has turned her back on an important part of her religion, and also her own principles and convictions on what is right, good and true?

I mean shorten the skirt; wear some uncomfortable high heels; uncover the hair; apply some make up and "poof" there's a line of prospects for the taking because they will willingly do what they need to and satisfy every and any need or desire she has just to be the one to claim the prize.

I don’t mean to sound patrionizing but I don’t think it’ll come out any other way but that- do you really know men?  What man do you know will fulfil your every need or desire just so that he can claim you?  The type of men you are talking about won’t even have respect for you, so what would they care about your needs and desires?  If anything, they will only woo you in order to satisfy their own whims and desires.  Do you really want to be someone’s plaything?  Though to be honest, it seems from your post(s) that you are considering this.

When one denies themselves the desires of the flesh there is no reward not in this life nor the next. 

I feel so truly sad for you subhanAllah.  How far you have fallen.  Every Muslim knows that there is reward for denying the desires of the flesh outside of marriage.  I know you know that.  Maybe you therefore wrote this without thinking clearly or maybe you truly believe this.  If you do, I suggest you go back to the teachings of Islam and really study them.  You will then realise how much reward there is for one who denies their sexual urges outside of marriage, and how much sin there is on the one who caves in.  This is why the Prophet in various ahadeeth has stated how much reward a husband and wife get for engaging in sexual activities within the marriage.  SubhanAllah there is so much reward for not engaging in sex outside of marriage.  Have you ever wondered that some of the blessings you receive in everyday life are because of this?

This life is too short to be a foolish martyr while all around everyone else is enjoying and savoring all the pleasure of life.

What kind of people are you talking about?  The sinners who give up on certain Islamic teachings and gain pleasure in wrongdoing?  That’s how you want to gain your pleasure too??

When one considers that a woman sells herself when she gets married (a dowry is nothing more than a payment/purchase price) why then is that not considered 'cheapening' herself but getting what she wants from whoever no matter what she has to do and with no strings attached is?

This is such an ugly statement that I felt so disgusted when I read this.  You really seem to have drifted from the beautiful religion of Islam that I feel so sad for you, rather than angry for some of your silly statements.  First of all, the religious term is mahr.  Dowry is more associated with Hinduism.  Secondly, your definition of it being a ‘payment/purchase price’ is the definition of Hindus.  In Islam it is seen as a gift, a beautiful and precious gift between a husband and wife.  The guy is asking her to marry him, and stating that he knows his obligations as a husband and all that this entails and he wishes to fulfil these obligations to her.  It is a gift that she can do what she likes with, the beginning of many gifts insha’Allah that he will continue to shower on her through the marriage, but a gift which the religion calls on him to offer her.  Note I said ‘offer’.  It is up to the wife whether she accepts a mahr or not.  So if you don’t want to ‘cheapen’ yourself, then don’t accept his gift of a mahr.

there is nothing wrong with putting faith in Allah (and in fact is a wise thing) however one also must do for self lest one get left behind and never rewarded in this life. 

I totally agree with this.  This also means getting everyone you know involved.  Families, relatives at home as well as abroad, ditto with friends, acquaintances, any Imams you know, and getting all these people to pass on the word to all their connections that someone they know is looking to get married.  You need to be active, as well as relying on Allah.

Given all I've been through I wish I could just turn my back on all men because they aren't worth it. 

I know this may sound harsh, but maybe you should.  You sound way too bitter to be searching for someone right now, especially as you’ve got all these messed up notions going around in your head.  I’m saying this to get you to think deeply about yourself- have you considered the fact that because you’re so bitter, that you’re possibly sending out negative vibes to people?  Maybe this is why you’re having such a rough time.  People talk about how sending out negative energy only attracts negative energy back.  You honestly don’t sound like you’re in a good place right now so I don’t know how healthy it even is for you to be thinking about finding a life partner at the moment.  One of the biggest turn-offs for any potential is going to be someone who’s so wrapped up in their own misery.  Frankly, if I was looking for a partner, I would stay well clear of you.  Seriously, please think about how you must be putting yourself across to people.

It is as if Allah just chose them to suffer endlessly and I've not seen where that is the way things go; force some to suffer continuously their entire adult lives. 

This is life unfortunately.  Just like those who have faced war and are repeatedly raped- they continue to suffer.  Just like parents who have tried for a baby for years and years and still nothing.  They too continue to suffer.  No doubt you know the religious take on suffering so no need to rehash that here.

why are we going through this type of talk again? 

If someone can’t come in here and vent, where else can they go?  I think people have a right to let things off their chest, and as their brothers and sisters in Islam, we should give them the best advice that we can.  Certain same issues will crop up and every now and then as people experience them differently in different times of their lives.  They are only human, why can’t they talk about things which are severely upsetting them?  I understand you might be frustrated seeing same topics being repeated, but you have the choice to not get involved in them.  This is a big forum, find another thread which interests you and participate in that.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #8 on: Dec 26, 2008 05:59 PM »

Actually I don't give off negative vibes because I've always hidden my true feelings because I know that no one really cares so I don't waste the effort.    Let others around me know that I'm looking; they think I'm a broken record because I mention it at every opportunity and if anything what I find is that they haven't found anyone that is serious (what does that say about the caliber of brothers?) 

Any bitterness is the direct result of the pain caused.  For me maybe I'm more bitter than I realize yet I stupidly keep thinking and hoping and praying that things will change; not sure how much longer I can continue being that danged stupid. 

Anyone that doesn't understand the reference to "toys" or "films" has got to be kidding or be very young.   I knew right away what was meant.   My friends have dared suggest I satisfy myself and fill the void with sex toys or porno films.  So yes sex without the committment would be one heck of an improvement to the nothing of now.

The blessings I have - good health; good job; intelligence; own home - only make me less desireable apparently yet I don't make it a point to mention any of it and certainly not in an arrogant way to lead anyone to believe that I don't need him.  Are those blessings as the result of me denying myself carnal pleasure - I don't know but my intelligence began in childhood so I don't think it's related.

Mahr is a payment/purchase price.  If it weren't then it would not be necessary for a woman to give it back should she seek divorce.  So let's not pretend that it is merely a gift given out of generosity because that is a lie.

Catcalls while not always welcome do help boost self-esteem because it means that one is noticed in a good way; insults have the opposite effect.

And in the area I live in being covered does not prompt inquiries so the point is what - to make myself miserable?  This is why I don't go out to the masjid much anymore because I walk out the door and get in my car and cry every time even following large gatherings.

The suffering of couples who struggle for years trying to have a baby cannot be equated here; they are a couple.  Mentioning the blessings of a couple engaging in lawful intimacy cannot be equated here; it is between a couple.  So the theme is the same - it relates to people that are already a couple so they don't have the anguish of loneliness.  It is therefore insensitive to even try to relate them.


Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #9 on: Dec 26, 2008 09:44 PM »

I found your post confusing initially but then realised you’d also replied to the previous poster in the same post that you were addressing mine  Smiley.

The suffering of couples who struggle for years trying to have a baby cannot be equated here; they are a couple.  Mentioning the blessings of a couple engaging in lawful intimacy cannot be equated here; it is between a couple.  So the theme is the same - it relates to people that are already a couple so they don't have the anguish of loneliness.  It is therefore insensitive to even try to relate them.

It wasn’t meant in an insensitive way.  I apologise if that’s how it came across.  My point though was regarding suffering itself; that many people suffer in life through various circumstances.

Re. Mahr, I still disagree with you but I think that’s a whole other post  Smiley.  Maybe insha’Allah we’ll touch upon it sometime.

I pray that Allah Grants you strength in this trying time.  I do understand some of your pain, but unfortunately, I cannot find the words to comfort you as I’m not sure if anything that anyone says here will help give you some comfort.  So I send you my love instead.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #10 on: Dec 26, 2008 10:50 PM »

I just find your attitude to be so arrogant and selfish. You assume your pain is greater than anyone else's. If someone says, "at least you're not dying of cancer." ... you'll turn around and twist it, because all you would see is that the person is suffering through cancer with a companion. That is narrow and unintelligent of you - even though your intelligence started in childhood, as you claim. The problem is that you choose not to pull yourself out of the mess you're creating. There must be a payoff for you in resorting to remain in this circle of depression. It certainly isn't the attention you're getting, I'm sure people get tired of it. It could be the fact that you can continue to feel superior by dismissing everyone else's struggles as being easier than yours.

Catcall equates compliment? Not in my books, not even when I was 14.
Mahr is not a purchase price. But there is probably no use in arguing that one.

I think we all see your dilemma. I think some of us even relate to it. But what do you plan to do about it?

A ... be patient, turn to Allah, seek forgiveness ... in the meantime, concentrate on career, education, family, maybe some charity work...
B ... take the other route you've already presented. don't be a "martyr".
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #11 on: Dec 26, 2008 11:29 PM »

Assalaam Alaikum,

We have 8 pages of this same topic. Sometimes venting/complaining can become a negative/detrimental experience for the person, especially when they are receiving opposition or negative support.  It is better if the person seeks help from people in real life who will support him/her.



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