// Issues of Disrespect
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Anonymous
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« on: Jan 10, 2009 12:52 AM »


 salaam

I am in a very upset frame of mind so I don't know how much sense this post is going to make.  I'll try anyway.

I work in an environment that deals with the public.  I answered a phone call and spoke to a person regarding an incident (the details aren't relevant so I'm keeping this part vague).  The way this person spoke to me is the issue.  I thought I was being helpful and speaking courteously only to have it thrown in my face by the other person totally berating me.  I would equate it to verbal abuse even though no swear words were used.  It just totally took me off guard and my heart was beating so fast.  I felt like crying tbh.  I ended the phone call as soon as I could.

It just really hurt me that this person was a muslim man who was berating me.  A hadith says that:

The Muslim is the one from whose tongue and whose hand Muslims are safe

Also, as a young muslim woman, I was hurt and angry. I feel like there are some men out there who enjoy their little power trips and have no qualms in talking to women the way they do.  I went home and cried my eyes out.  My insides feel like they are made of marshmallow, I'm known for having a 'soft'character.  I don't want to be soft.  I want iron bars in my chest to hold me together and an iron heart so noone can hurt me the way they do :'(

Also, I want revenge.  I hate that person for ruining my day and making me utterly miserable.  What right have they to do that?  Can one pray to Allah for that?  I know you can't pray for bad things to happen to other ppl but I want retribution.  I want him to pay for what he did to me.  what can I legitimately pray for?

This post ain't worth a hill of beans, I know, but I hide my hurt from those around me.  I don't want to bring ppl down. 
Anonymous
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« Reply #1 on: Jan 10, 2009 01:15 AM »

Been there, been there, been there. I don't get it either. I really think that it is a power trip for some of them. They can't yell at their bosses, their parents and even their wives and yet they still want to kick a dog. (Americanism)
And there I am, sweet little me. I say or do something trifley wrong and I get the tongue lashing.
Oh my gosh- it happens when I least expect it. Sometimes i will fire back a email- however i always read it a dozen times and finally take out any demeaning retribution stuff out. It has always worked for me because before Allah swt I am responsible for my actions- not his. I get a bit of a power trip from being the nice guy. I don't know why but if I hold my anger I can't help but 'look down' on him. Now this isn't good either- but we are dealing with reality on an anonymous board!

As far as retribution. You will never ever feel good about it. Never lower yourself to this. The old saying is true "what goes around...comes around." Your heart will be filled with the emotions of getting back at someone who is not worth it. It is much better to let Allah swt take care of this... His retribution will be infinitely better than what you could ever think of!

As Dr. phil says- You can not control the emotion they are having- but you can control your emotions and your responses to it.

I hope what he did was horrific to you (read the rest before your bunchies get in an uproar) .... otherwise your venom seems a bit too much for a phone call.
Anonymous
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« Reply #2 on: Jan 10, 2009 01:37 AM »

Quote
I hope what he did was horrific to you (read the rest before your bunchies get in an uproar) .... otherwise your venom seems a bit too much for a phone call.

Okay that made me smile a wee bit. Understandably, my post cud make me seem like an unhinged psycho.  I get that.  And I seriously wudnt try to harm someone else but I just wondered about what kind of retribution could be afforded and if it is 'proper' to pray for that. 

The phone call wasn't the worst I've ever had but that doesn't make it okay or less hurtful to me.  I was excited to do some shopping after work and instead I ended up trying to hold back tears so as not to publicly break down for about an hour, which is quite a task I can tell you.

I've literally been yelled at in the past and nothing happened to that person.  His behaviour was not reprimanded and that is still a sticking point with me even though it happened a couple of years ago becos it turned me into a cowering wreck.  This was another member of the public too.  So basically a lot of hurt is stored up and it floods out into 'venom' when the similar things happen again.

I wish I cud forget the hurt. I'm good at blocking things out and I don't want some douchebag behaviour ruining my weekend. 
Anonymous
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« Reply #3 on: Jan 10, 2009 02:49 AM »

There are many people on this planet that can make you feel so small with their words.
This is why so many saying talk about what a weapon a tongue is.
I'd ask my employer what you're allowed to do if this should ever happen again.
Many offices allow the "I have a call on the other line, one minute sir" then put them on hold,
give them one or two minutes and come back, thank you for holding and as soon as they go into a tyrate again, One moment please sir, I have another call.

Another tactic is, 'One moment while I put you on speaker phone so both myself and my supervisor can help you.'
Other companies will allow you to tell the person politely, they are out of line and they need to call back when they are calmer. Another tactic I find that totally defuses people is a very loving, kind and surprised voice saying,
"OH MY GOODNESS, You poor thing, (or you poor soul) you just sound like you've had an awful day!!!!!"
It kind of makes them step back in shock that someone cares, they realize they're taking it out on you and they back off.

I like the hold suggestion best, gets you off the phone so you don't have to listen to it, and either calms them down or ticks them off more  Grin Grin

If you're a sister, maybe it was a combination of this mans bad manors and your hormones, and maybe this particular day it just got to you more than usual? I know just before a 'monthly' or during I take things to personal and the tears flow.
Either way don't let this brother (or anyone else) steal your joy, or anyone else for that matter.
But you can also say a quick prayer asking Allah to forgive them and help them for what makes them angery or rude.
And remember, we all need to remember sometimes people vent and we have no idea what kind of day they've had before calling our offices.
Anonymous
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« Reply #4 on: Jan 10, 2009 02:51 AM »

When I was married and a man was rude to me, I would quickly reply,
MY husband doesn't talk to me this way, WHAT makes you think you can talk to me this way?
It really shuts them up quick. Men seem to talk more rudely to woman than they do another man.
However not sure if one can do this at work. Huh?
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #5 on: Jan 10, 2009 01:27 PM »

thank you for the responses.  I've had the chance to sleep on it and I realise that some perspective is needed because like I said it wasn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me and perhaps revenge isn't the kindest thoughts I could be thinking.

Quote
There are many people on this planet that can make you feel so small with their words.
This is why so many saying talk about what a weapon a tongue is.

So true, i thought it should be repeated.

Quote
If you're a sister, maybe it was a combination of this mans bad manors and your hormones, and maybe this particular day it just got to you more than usual? I know just before a 'monthly' or during I take things to personal and the tears flow.
Either way don't let this brother (or anyone else) steal your joy, or anyone else for that matter.

yup, I think maybe hormones at work *sigh* Jazakallah for your kind words, anonymous.  Sometimes, that's all you need. 

Quote
When I was married and a man was rude to me, I would quickly reply,
MY husband doesn't talk to me this way, WHAT makes you think you can talk to me this way?
It really shuts them up quick. Men seem to talk more rudely to woman than they do another man.

Yeah, some men have all the guts when they talk harshly to a woman but it all evaporates when a man enters the picture!  That's what annoyed me really.  I find it easier to talk to woman even if she is angry but when it's a angry man there's just a completely different vibe to it that frankly, can be quite frightening.

But no more sadness now.  I won't let it get me down Inshallah.
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