// How does one rid themselves of guilt
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Author Topic: How does one rid themselves of guilt  (Read 2648 times)
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Anonymous
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« on: Jan 09, 2009 06:36 AM »


If you've asked Allah's forgiveness (over and over again) and you still live with guilt of the past,
how do you rid yourself of past guilt still carried? Especially when the injured party you asked forgiveness to many times over the years is still resentful toward you. (say this is a family member)
How does one firgive themselves and move on even when the family member is unforgiving.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #1 on: Jan 09, 2009 09:51 AM »

salam


Depends on what one has done. If the reason for the guilt is replaceable one replaces it, one tries to make up for whatever the misdemeanour was.

However barring having committed murder, I'd continue asking forgiveness of Allah and also for peace of mind, I would further distance myself from the 'injured' party, maintain polite good relations, but stop bringing up whatever it is they're angry about, don't go out of the way to grovel or anything like that, you have apologised you are clearly very sorry and there's nothing more you can do, no doubt repeatedly raking up the past is proving difficult for everyone involved in getting over the past.

Unless as I said you murdered someone or ran off with someones spouse, time is a very good healer, and also make a conscientious decision to never repeat the mistake.
Hopefully over time the injured party will learn to let go, and sometimes it's worth remembering none of us is perfect, we've all done things we regret. So long as you learn from the experience and don't do it again. You'll forgive yourself too.



Wassalaam
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #2 on: Jan 09, 2009 10:18 PM »

Asalamualaikum wrt wb,


All praise be to Allah.


If one has made true repentance from a sin, which includes absolutely abondoning the sin, despising the sin in one's heart, and being firm in resolve to never return to it, then it will result in forgiveness from Allah.

If the sin involved someone else's right, such as taking property or backbiting, then the property must be returned, or forgiveness sought from the wronged party.

If you cannot find the wronged party, you may give charity in their name.

After you have fulfilled these conditions, sincerely, then know that Allah is the Most Merciful, Who Turns to His Servants and Forgives again and again.


As for someone else reminding you about your past, after you have made tawbah from it, then this is wrong and sinful.  They should not do that, since the repenter from sin is like one who has no sin at all.



And Allah knows best.
Anonymous
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« Reply #3 on: Jan 10, 2009 01:30 AM »

Quote
despising the sin in one's heart,

How can I get to this point? Especially if it was a incredible love affair. A person can come to realize that sex before marriage is a sin and resolve never to do it again and absolutely feel and want repentance.

But to despise it in one's one heart, when it was what it was, is a very hard emotion to develop. So many peoples eeman's are not developed to such a strength to over come something that displeases Allah. We can say that- but does the heart believe it? If not- what are the steps to come to this realization?
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #4 on: Jan 10, 2009 02:35 AM »

I'm the original poster, the situation is between a child and a parent (I being the parent)
and the child a 30 y/o man how is bitter and angry with his childhood and who I am now.
His brother doesn't feel this way. I can honestly say I put up with emotional and verbal abuse for many years
from this young man. I use to put up with it cause I think I felt I deserved it, then came grandchildren, so
I put up with it for my and my grandchildrens sake, so I can be in their lives. I have been there nearly 98% of the time
I was asked to babysit, help with a project in the home, have asked forgiveness and still this man
treats me badly and I've come to the point after all these years that I am now fed up.
I actually want to disassociate myself, but my other son (the youndest but only by a year) feels this would be wrong
and advices me that the grandchildren may resent me later in life for walking away from their lives.
So many nights over the last decade I have cried nights begging forgiveness and asking Allah to soften this young mans heart. Allah knows best so either it is not the right time, or there is more lesson and test for me or my son or us both? I use to be so hurt (and still am to be honest) but now I am getting angry myself,
I dread talking to him anymore cause I know the venim that will come out of his mouth many times for no reason.
I still feel sorry and guilty, but how much does one allow before they move on and how does one rid the guilt and  stop the tears and regret. To be totally honest, I love my son but am getting so fed up that now anger and resentment is building in my heart. The above has nothing to do with drinking, drugs or abuse although I admit disappling him at times out of anger or a little to harsh, but NOTHING like broken bones or black eyes, nothing of that sort.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #5 on: Jan 10, 2009 08:22 PM »

You shouldn't break off family ties without reason. I know in this case it's difficult because you feel a lot of resentment towards him. Is he currently continuing with the abuse or is it just in the past? Maybe you could associate less with him or have less interaction if he just continues to hurt you. Do keep in contact with your grandchildren. I'm sure it brings you and them pleasure.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #6 on: Jan 10, 2009 08:55 PM »

You can't change your past. If you forgive yourself, don't worry about anyone else. Always remember it's their lost. I can't believe how many people out there that carry things on their shoulder and how hurtful people can be. Swallow your pride and just move along. Don't look back - let them follow you, at some point they will realize what they are missing in life and how stupid how long they carry it out. People all make mistake and it someone always gets hurt but it does take time to work out. Realize things will come together.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #7 on: Jan 11, 2009 01:25 PM »

Quote
despising the sin in one's heart

Quote
How can I get to this point? Especially if it was a incredible love affair. A person can come to realize that sex before marriage is a sin and resolve never to do it again and absolutely feel and want repentance.

But to despise it in one's one heart, when it was what it was, is a very hard emotion to develop. So many peoples eeman's are not developed to such a strength to over come something that displeases Allah. We can say that- but does the heart believe it? If not- what are the steps to come to this realization?



I think learning to despise the sin is actually one of the secrets to a successful repentance.


Without feeling remorse, regret and disgust at the action committed, the heart/soul/nafs will always have an inclination to what it fondly remembered and as a consequence there will always be some level of attachment (which is counter-productive when one is trying to leave it behind totally)


As for the question of realization, there’s no doubt in some cases in can be very hard but what is required here is the intention and the will to despise and despise with vehemence even if the self is not inclined to do so from the outset.

I liken it to trying to weep before Allah and the fact that some people can’t but we are encouraged to try and imitate weeping if we can’t. Over time it *does* get easier but those first few days are indeed tough and probably when you should be most on guard against the whispers of Shaytan.


Another ploy is to eradicate any memory of the transgression and not reflect upon it in a rationalizing way (ie if I had done this, if I had not done that, maybe next time I can do this ….etc etc)

Anything which takes you back will be harmful especially if you’re just setting out on a new path, so don’t trust your heart/soul/nafs in thinking that you can “handle” it.

Complete avoidance is always best.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #8 on: Jan 11, 2009 07:30 PM »

salam


I recall you have a good relationship with your daughter in law right? You also live a little bit away from your son so you're not likely to run into eachother a lot.

What I would do, is remain polite, if you want to know how your grandkids are, ask your daughter in law. If you want to have them over make arrangements as you usually do, but if your son plays up then back off don't show him he hurts you. With all due respect (and I feel I've 'known' you for a long time now, and have grown to love and respect you a great deal), your son needs to grow up, making excuses for him, taking his insults you are enabling his behaviour. Don't. Just completely ignore it, if he says you can't see your grandkids, I will bet this won't last long, as a mother I know full well how difficult good childcare is to come by, and a willing loving grandma can never be replaced by babysitters.

When your grandkids are old enough, they'll be turning up to be with you themselves. My eldest daughter was about  2, when I told her off about something, next thing I know she has her shoes on her favourite toy in a bag and is standing at the front door anouncing she is going to live with grandma because I was being mean!!!!! Kids make their choices very voiciferously clear.

Don't put up with the abuse, if your son feels bitter about something, he can sit down with you and clear the air, instead he appears to enjoy manipulating you to get his own way. Stop allowing him to do that.
You don't have to cut yourself off from him, or ignore your grandbabies for that. If he starts, look him in the eye and say 'I am your mother I refuse to listen to you speak to me in this fashion, and maybe one day when your kids are standing in front of you in such a manner you will understand how truly deeply hurtful and wrong your behaviour towards me is' and then walk away, just because you're his mother doesn't mean you have to like him or his behaviour if its clearly wrong.

As for to yourself, forgive yourself, let it go, whatever you think you did, you repent from it, you will not repeat it, you have suffered more than enough for it.

You're son is a grown man, he is responsible for his own behaviour, whatever thing it is that he thinks you did wrongly in the past, cannot now be undone, and quite frankly he will find out for himself just how difficult it is nurturing and rearing a newborn into a successful, healthy, and happy grown adult.


Wassalaam
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #9 on: Jan 11, 2009 08:07 PM »

You shouldn't break off family ties without reason. I know in this case it's difficult because you feel a lot of resentment towards him. Is he currently continuing with the abuse or is it just in the past? Maybe you could associate less with him or have less interaction if he just continues to hurt you. Do keep in contact with your grandchildren. I'm sure it brings you and them pleasure.

Yes, it is current, and almost anytime he can get a little 'dig' in.
He always makes it clear he is in control.
I may seem to some as over reacting but it's been going on so long and I'm just worn out and fed up with it.
Now that my mother lives with him and his wife when I call my mom to check on her, he complains about how
often I called in a day (2 to 3 times during her prior injury)
I've told my mom I can't deal with this kid/man anymore and since she doesn't have her own phone anymore
and doesn't leave her cell phone anymore, she needs to call me. I let her know aI love her, miss her and worry about her,  but hate going through him when he answers the phone to talk to her.
I'd love to have less interaction with him and rid myself of abuse and negativity, but it also means
distancing myself from my grandchldren, after all, he is their father.


Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #10 on: Jan 11, 2009 08:13 PM »

salam

I recall you have a good relationship with your daughter in law right? You also live a little bit away from your son so you're not likely to run into eachother a lot.

Wassalaam

I sometimes have a good relationship with my daughter-in-law, not sure where it is right now since she took the phone from my son last night in the midst of an arguement and I hung up on her.
(It was either hang up or some really nasty words about minding her own business)
I do live a little far from them, but the lease will be up in 2 months or so and due to other things
I had decided to move back, even told my granddaughter I was and she was so excited and happy.
Now I feel between a rock and a hard place even telling her, cause I really don't want to move back there.
I really need to rid myself if even temp of all the abuse and negativity, it's been happening so long, I am battle worn
and can't seem to think clearly about it anymore.
It's like a cut, it can never heal cause it keeps getting wacked open all the time with fresh new injury.

I wouldn't totally break off contact, I can mail my granddaughter letters and card and leave my email and cell number for them to reach me in an emergency (so we can argue again like we did last night lol)
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #11 on: Jan 11, 2009 08:52 PM »

Asalamaualikum wrt wb,


All praise be to Allah.


First, I would like to remind all of us about the terrible plight of our brothers and sisters in Gaza.  Many children, babies, women, mothers, elderly, have been massacred, over 900 people massacred so far.  Let us remember them in our duas, and ask Allah Most High to grant them the Paradise, and to punish their tormenters by His Power.

But let not their lives be lost without cause, for we pay tribute to them by bringing to life what they died for: Islam, belief in the Oneness of Allah.  Let their memories live on by going back to our deen, repenting to Allah today before tomorrow, and striving to bring Islam back in our lives.


As for the sisters question regarding a past relationship she had:  Prophet Muhammad, pbuh, taught that "Regret is repentance.", that is, when one feels regret and hurt about what they did, and how it caused them to fall from Allah's pleasure, that is the realization of repentance.

If you are unable to feel this sorrow, then it means that you do not fully understand why what was done was evil and wrong.  For the sin of Zina, fornication and adultery, one must realize that this act is a major sin.  The Prophet Muhammad, pbuh, on the night of Miraj, saw naked men and women being hung and dipped into a blazing oven.  He said to Jibreel, what is that?  Jibreel said, they were fornicators in the dunya.

Know that many people will be dragged into the Hell Fire because of what their tongues and their private parts did.

Know that looking at haram or doing haram extinguishes the light of Allah in One's heart.

Realize the greatness of your sin, and the One Whom you sinned against...


As for the sister who has difficulties in her relationship with her son:

May Allah make it easy for you.  Your son should treat you with respect and honor.  But in any case, try to avoid argumentation, by changing the subject to Islamic topics, knowledge, Fiqh, and avoid quibbling over the dunya.

Whenever you feel an argument coming on, try to change the subject, and focus on the knowledge, beneficial books that you have read, some verses of the Quran, etc.  Don't dwell on the past issues.


We ask Allah to put the love between your hearts, and help our family in Gaza over those who are butchering them.  May Allah expose the evil of the transgressors, in the media, and show the world the true terrorists.  May Allah give victory to Islam, and grant honor to the Muslims.  May Allah guide the Ummah to return to Him.  Ameen!


And Allah knows best.

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