// Broke my Mommas Heart
    Peace be upon you,
    Welcome to Madinat Al-Muslimeen, the City of the Muslims. Please feel free to visit the different hot spots around the Madina and post any discussion, articles, suggestions, comments, art, poetry, events, recipes, etc etc. Basically anything you would like to share with your sisters and brothers!! Non-muslims are also of course quite welcome to share their comments. If this is your first time here, you need to register with the city council. Once you register you have 15 days to post your mandatory introduction and then you will be upgraded to a Madina Citizen, God Willing. Please note that our city does have regulations which are listed in the city constitution. Read them carefully before moving in. P.S. - You can also post anonymously if you wish. P.S.S. - Also be sure to check out our ARCHIVES from 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 & 2007. :)

Random Quote: Like us many have spoken over this spring, but they were gone in the twinkling of an eye. We conquered the world with bravery and might, but we did not take it with us to the grave. - Zahiruddin Muhammad (Babur)
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Broke my Mommas Heart  (Read 3753 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
lala marcy
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reputation Power: 14
lala marcy has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 254


« on: Jan 19, 2009 01:08 PM »


Salaam all,

It's not that bad trust me.  But I moved out of my parents house. I bought an apartment and six months later I moved into it. Yes, it took a while to move, as I was delaying it. But none the less, I'm gone. I left my mom and dad. Things wouldnt be so bad if there were some other siblings still at home. I was the last one left! I feel horrible. My mom is really really sad. It's only been like one day. I just feel so bad. Maybe I should re-nig this whole thing? I dont even know. I"m even second guessing why I moved in the first place. Things werent even bad. Smiley I just wanted my own place. We're only like 15 minutes away from one another though. Bah. I think the guilt is killing me. Thankfully she takes care of my little nephew during the week...something to keep her occupied.

Anyone else gone throw such a thing? Parent? Child? Just curious.

peace
Hard2Hit
Bro
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 15
Hard2Hit has no influence :(
Gender: Male
Posts: 632


Taubah


WWW
« Reply #1 on: Jan 19, 2009 03:17 PM »

Salaams,

I live on the second floor of our house and this Sunday I was too lazy to get out of my bed hence couldn't sit with my ammi for a while (her room is on first floor).

I feel guilty for doing that even! My mother thinks that me living at some other place would mean that i've "left" her forever, in the literal sense of the word.

Mothers... they just love us so much dont they...

The knight doesn't wait when he's ill or has cancer brother, the knight fights on... He finds a strategy, changes tactics, and hits hard.
Sr.Kathy
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 18
Sr.Kathy has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 632



« Reply #2 on: Jan 19, 2009 03:23 PM »

I think you should move back....

"Allah surely knows the warmth of every teardrop... " Jaihoon
Fozia
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 124
Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!
Gender: Female
Posts: 2659



« Reply #3 on: Jan 19, 2009 04:26 PM »

salam

Agree with Sr Kathy.

Things were fine at home, you wanted your own place, mums sad so are you, move back, rent out apartment, that way you still have your own place are making money on it and mum's happy...


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
lala marcy
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reputation Power: 14
lala marcy has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 254


« Reply #4 on: Jan 19, 2009 07:03 PM »

Salaams,

Thank you all so far for the replies. I'm sad only because mom is sad. I want to live alone for a while. TheMadina is very old school eh??? Smiley Smiley Smiley Seriously, these are the things my aunts have told me to do..rent it, make some money off of it. But I can understand the stress this can give to parents. OH well. I was trying to understand my guilt. I guess I won't ever understand it unless I'm a parent and have to send off my kids somewhere one day.

I think my mom spent her life devoted to her kids and now doesnt know what to do with herself. Part of it, she does know, but part of it is looking at this empty house and wondering where the time went....I want to tell her 'live your life (you know that Rihanna song)... hehe . Okay, I'm too old to be referencing her..but still.

peace and love
jannah
Administrator
Hero Member
*****

Reputation Power: 277
jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!
Gender: Female
Posts: 7134


I heart the Madina


WWW
« Reply #5 on: Jan 19, 2009 07:45 PM »

ws,

don't move back!!! i wish i could do what you did. (don't have the money job logistics etc) living apart from your parents does not mean you don't love them and don't want to take care of them!! everyone needs a little privacy and to be independent. it really helps you grow when you are apart. for so much of our lives we are dependent on our parents for so many things. now is the time you really can fly and try things on your own. if at a later time you think it's better to be living together that's fine too. parents are very sad when the nest is finally empty but you know they need to grow too. for so much of their lives they were just taking care of us and could never pursue their own interests. now when there's only me left i see my dad writing a book and my mom starting halaqas.. its just so great.

try it for awhile... inshaAllah it'll get better! i know it sux hurting your parents...i mean i feel bad everyday that i'm not married because they're so disappointed that i'm not and they blame themselves, but in the end things are just fate. they'll get used to it and be happy that you're nearby.


Blessedgrandma
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 6
Blessedgrandma has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 625



« Reply #6 on: Jan 19, 2009 10:45 PM »

All mothers go through what is called 'empty nest syndrome' it is part of life for us moms.
Some it is harder for then others.
Your guilt is just your compassionate heart not wanting to hurt someone you love, it is understandable.
Why not invite your mom over for a 'girls night', make a nice dinner, rent a movie, have some munchies.
Maybe plan a craft making night or a knitting night.

But first you may want to assure her your moving was nothing they did, but only your own 'growing pains'
and assure her of your love for her and how much you're looking forward to havinbg a girls night at your new place.
It is as normal for you to want to spread your wings as it is for your mom tyo be sad.
Best wishes.
salaampeaceshalom
Sis
Full Member
*

Reputation Power: 2
salaampeaceshalom has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 166



« Reply #7 on: Jan 19, 2009 11:19 PM »

That's tough, but you're living 15mins away right?  So it's not like you've moved out of town, is that right?  I'm sure you could even go back home everyday if you feel inclined to for like an hour or so and perhaps even have dinner with your parents.  Or go see them 3 or 4 times a week, or spend a large part of your weekends with them.  It's so normal for your mum to feel this way, it may get easier for her, but if the guilt continues to grow for you, then maybe you should move back.

Take care

wasalaam

'If he woke up and had enough food for the day and shelter (a roof over his head) and he does not fear for his safety, then it is as if he has been given the dunya.'
Blessedgrandma
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 6
Blessedgrandma has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 625



« Reply #8 on: Jan 19, 2009 11:58 PM »

Just a thought, no need to answer.
Are you sure it's guilt you feel?
Guilt to me is something one feels when they did something wrong.
Compassion and saddness for anothers hurt and sadness is empathy.
I mean it's not like you had a big knock out drag out fight and left.
You are now an adulkt and wanted to experience your own space right?
I would think that is more 'empathy' than guilt.
I relly like  salaampeaceshalom's advice to go back each day for dinner or a visit. hungry
No matter if it is now, later, when you marry, ALL us mothers go through a saddnedd when our children leave home.
Only you can decide to carry on with your apt or move back, you're lucky you have options, from trying it for a few months, to renting it out, and if you can afford to buy an apt, why not consider something we here in the US call amother-in-law apt, if your parents have their own home, can't you remodel and build an apt off the main house?
You have a lot of options, I now just feel bad that you feel bad.
There is so much us moms go through when our kids leave home, even worry for their safetly.
My sons have been out of the home over 10 yrs and I still miss them and worry about them.
It's a natural thing for us moms.
sofia
Sis
Full Member
*

Reputation Power: 8
sofia has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 106


Ya Muqallib Al-Quloob thabbit quloobana ala deenik


« Reply #9 on: Jan 20, 2009 01:08 AM »

As-salaamu alaykum!
Not sure what to tell you, Lalamercy, since I moved away from home to go to college. One the one hand, it made me really appreciate my family more than ever, and the other hand, made me wonder if I did the right thing...

Now that we're on the subject of "guilt" (which may or may not be different from "guilt" in other religions):

I once heard this story from a local imam; not sure of it's source (sounds like a story from the tabi'een OR from the Children of Israel, Allahu A'lim):

There was a man who came to the local qaadhi (Islamic judge) or religious leader (can't recall which, let's just call him, the "wise man") to ask him to interpret a dream of his. It was a recurring dream.

The first time, he dreamt of a small rock. He tried to pick it up/move it, but he couldn't without great difficulty.

The second time, he dreamt of a larger rock. He tried to pick it up/move it, and after some effort, could do so.

The third time, he dreamt of a large rock. He picked it up/moved it up without any effort.

The wise man told the man that the rock symbolized sins. According to the first dream, the man committed a sin. It was hard to do, and his conscience and guilty feeling weighed him down.
The second time, he could do it without as much guilt. And finally, by the third time, he could do the sin without any guilt. It may have been because it was a worse sin or a repeated sin or ignoring of guilt, Allahu A'lim.

Anyhow, if I understood correctly, guilt is sometimes a sign or protection for us.

Disclaimer: this is not really a response to lalamercy, nor do I claim she is doing any sin by moving out. I was just reminded of this story while reading this thread. Sorry I couldn't be of any more help.

"My Lord! Increase me in knowledge." (Qur'aan 20.114)
"Our Lord! We believe, so forgive us, and have mercy on us, for You are the Best of all who show mercy!" (23:109)
"And hold fast, all together, by the rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves..."(3:10)
Baji
Sis
Full Member
*

Reputation Power: 33
Baji is working their way up :)Baji is working their way up :)Baji is working their way up :)
Gender: Female
Posts: 176



« Reply #10 on: Jan 20, 2009 09:22 AM »

salaams

Mommas, are just like that, i got married and initially before we got our own place we stayed with my parents for a couple of months, even after we had bought our own place my parents kept making excuses for us not to move and it took a month before finally we did it - that was the hardest month of my life as i felt i was being torn in 2 diff directions and that i couldn't make anyone happy...

I am the eldest and i think they liked having my hubby there too especially my dad cause my bro is v young and he liked having the male companionship.  I am also about 15 min away.... but it is 2 years and last weekend was the first time since we moved that i didn't see them at all and i love seeing them and feel guilty when i don't but slowly they have to get used to the fact that i have my own life too.... Thank God for my hubby who is really understanding and enjoys spending time with my parents (think maybe cause his are so far!).  Dread to think how they will feel once my sis gets married...... Sad    will just have to deal with that when the time comes.

Baji
BrKhalid
Bro
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 27
BrKhalid barely matters :(BrKhalid barely matters :(
Gender: Male
Posts: 1352



« Reply #11 on: Jan 20, 2009 10:28 AM »

Asalaamu Alaikum  bro

I’m not sure if this completely on topic but the dynamic of your relationship with your parents does change when you no longer live with them.

It does sometime take  a while for the new dynamic to settle in


InshaAllah we hope it all goes well for you though lala!!



Quote
TheMadina is very old school eh???


I’m sorry I couldn’t let this one slide!!!  bro


I’ll have you know we’re all still pretty hip on here, evidenced by the fact that we would have written “old skool” rather than you’re grammatically correct sentence.   Grin




Sr sofia - I did chuckle at the number of caveats you put in your post. I think I counted five in addition to the final disclaimer... or was that six.... bro

Jazakhallah khair for posting it though

Say: "O ye my servants who believe! Fear your Lord, good is (the reward) for those who do good in this world. Spacious is God's earth! those who patiently persevere will truly receive a reward without measure!" [39:10]
Sr.Kathy
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 18
Sr.Kathy has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 632



« Reply #12 on: Jan 20, 2009 02:06 PM »

My rather short answer had nothing to do with your relationship with your mom. It was all about you. I don't know you well. I have no idea what kind of Muslim you are, your strengths and weaknesses, the stage of life you are in, nor do I know enough to make any kind of comment about you personally. So the rest of this post is NOT about lala Marcy.

What I do know is my life and my friends life and being single and getting your own apartment. Even the best of us struggled with our chastity once we were alone. No one to watch over us, no one knowing how late we came home even tho we are aware Allah swt is always watching.

The perils of a sis being alone in a world of wolves while her hormones are reaching at their peak is just a dangerous time for her restraints and growing wings begin to unfurl.

A sis living alone is exposed to all elements of the world in which she needs to handle all kind of unsavory characters. Sure, many of us have to do this because we have no choice and are 'manless.'

It is very expensive to be on your own. It is difficult to work full time to pay bills, rent, tuition, etc. I think it would have been smarter for me to live at home with my parents and save, save and save money.

I think if you ask anyone who got their own place- eventually they had to deal with a form of fornication/lust- either with the eyes, heart, lips or body.  Granted this can happen when you are living with your parents too. Having your own bachelor pad is quiet a breeding ground for these kinds of sins.

"Allah surely knows the warmth of every teardrop... " Jaihoon
sofia
Sis
Full Member
*

Reputation Power: 8
sofia has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 106


Ya Muqallib Al-Quloob thabbit quloobana ala deenik


« Reply #13 on: Jan 21, 2009 02:05 AM »

As-salaamu alaykum,

Br. Khalid, I think I've taken my new hijri year resolution too far (ie, trying not stepping on anyone's toes).    Grin
Sorry for jumping in on an otherwise different topic.
Doh! (there I go again)

-sofia   hijabisis

"My Lord! Increase me in knowledge." (Qur'aan 20.114)
"Our Lord! We believe, so forgive us, and have mercy on us, for You are the Best of all who show mercy!" (23:109)
"And hold fast, all together, by the rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves..."(3:10)
Barr
Sis
Full Member
*

Reputation Power: 8
Barr has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 124


« Reply #14 on: Jan 23, 2009 07:04 PM »

Assalamu'alaikum,

I think its different when a child moves out because of marriage, education and work... and one who moves out because there are no other "tangible" reasons other than wanting one's own space.

For the 1st 3 reasons, a mother could understand that its not that the child wants to be far from one's mother, but circumstances are such that he/ she has to be. But the last reason, a mother may see that as a very personalised reason (ie. wanting to be far from her => does not want to be with her). And I think that's probably more hurtful. Allahua'lam.

Regardless, I don't know what your relationship with your mom is, in terms of sharing feelings, aspirations and just mere closeness.

For me, everytime, some issues come up with my parents (and some can be very heart burning ones), I remind myself that Allah *commanded* us to have birr (a very high level of good actions) and ihsan towards them. Ihsan, a weighty word... that requires us to do good exceeding the good that the other person has done to us, and to do good, evethough the other person has done evil to us.

And inshaAllah, I hope it is something that we all bear in mind, when dealing with our parents.

Allahua'lam
tq
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reputation Power: 18
tq has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 381


« Reply #15 on: Jan 23, 2009 07:12 PM »

Assalamo elikuim
Mashallah very beautifully said wise words Sr.Barr .


Wasalam
tq
lucid
Bro
Sr. Member
*

Reputation Power: 15
lucid has no influence :(
Gender: Male
Posts: 387



« Reply #16 on: Jan 23, 2009 07:51 PM »


I think my mom spent her life devoted to her kids and now doesnt know what to do with herself. Part of it, she does know, but part of it is looking at this empty house and wondering where the time went....I want to tell her 'live your life (you know that Rihanna song)... hehe . Okay, I'm too old to be referencing her..but still.


i will be a bit annoying here.

kids expect their mother to suddenly get a life once they grow up.  however when they were kids or young adults they and their dads never allowed their mothers to have a life other than their children and husband.  its too much to suddenly expect moms to suddenly become active in the community, go to halaqas, become a social activist, develop a myriad of hobbies when they've been chained to kids and husband for 30+ years.

most of my friends who have doting mothers or housewive mothers are really frustrated with their retired dad and empty nest mom.  their parents are so emotionally dependent of them, they become sick, depressed, just because their kids move away.  some parents are downright mean and make the kids feel really, really guilty.  but, its really not their fault.

other parents like mine, who have been active their whole lives, and who are too cool for even their generation X and Y kids, hardly miss their kids because they are so busy. i think the only way my parents would miss me is if i peeled over...  Cheesy 

anyhow, the point is women must not only be allowed to have a life beyond being a mother, they must be encouraged to have another life.  sometimes i get so annoyed when people go on and on about how islam honors women because islam values motherhood so much.  but what happens after motherhood?? 

people think women's rights is just about the rights of women to wear a miniskirt, or go to the mosque, or lead the prayer, or have an abortion, etc...etc.....

no, real women's rights is about much more mundane things -- like encouraging mothers to learn a trade, or allowing them to become active in the community. 

motherhood only lasts for a bit. what's a woman supposed to do if that's the only thing she knows how to do?

sorrry about the rant.  my sister and i just had screaming match about her going to grad school. 

why don't people want to go to grad school??  why would you want to work.  the only thing better than grad school is being paid to sleep all day.   oh wait that's what grad students and lots of english and math profs do all day.


Fozia
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 124
Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!
Gender: Female
Posts: 2659



« Reply #17 on: Jan 23, 2009 08:09 PM »

salam


Okaaay, and altho his post has practically sweet FA to do with the original post, I actually agree ocmpletely with Br Lucid. <standing ovation>

Gosh I'd have carried on studying if someone had paid me too, my days as a student were great fun.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
lala marcy
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reputation Power: 14
lala marcy has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 254


« Reply #18 on: Jan 29, 2009 03:46 AM »

salaam,
This turned out to be a very good discussion. Brother Lucid..you are indeed correct with what you say. I can't expect my mom to just change her life, when for 34 years she's been this doting mother to us all. That's ridiculous and I know that. We (me and my sisters) simply want our mom to be happy. We want her to think about all the things she's wanted to do but could not. She gave up working to take care of us because at the time, childcare was not an option. You get me? Anyway, I forget who it was..(okay thanks Blessedgrandma)-  I am empathizing. It isnt guilt as I have not done anything wrong. Doesnt everyone want their moms to be happy? I do. SHe's better now alhamdulilah. There was just some adjustment needed. Sister Kathy, perhaps one day I will get 'tempted' to do something uncool- but I know my momma taught me right and I know my morals. Thanks for the warning though. Sometimes we dont want to hear the truth.

So yeah ...I guess I'm old school too. Times are just not what they once were..right Bro Khalid. hehe

Thanks all for your replies. It was much much appreciated as this was weighing and probably will always weigh heavily on my heart. Side note: I am enjoying living alone. Smiley though I am at my mommas house as I am writing this. I visit much Smiley

salaams
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to: