// Prayers for the departed?
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« on: Jan 11, 2009 07:11 AM »


Assalam Ailkum.
Three months ago my adult son passed away suddenly. My husband and I are heartbroken,we have three other adult children. My husband and I cry a lot and are deeply saddened. Many in our community tell us we should stop crying (if only we could) they say we will make it harder for our son. Please could someone let me know what are the appropriate Duahs to read for my son, Please pray for him and for us as this loss is unbearable at times.
Salaams.

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timbuktu
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« Reply #1 on: Jan 11, 2009 03:31 PM »

peace be upon you

inna lillahe wa inna ilhe rajeoon

May Allah (swt) grant Jannatul Firdaws to your son, and give you sabr, and give you His immense ajr for the same.

The dua you seek is attached below. Click on the link or the small image.
Abdurahman
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Oh Allah, Guide us to the Straight Path.


« Reply #2 on: Jan 11, 2009 09:03 PM »

Walaikum salam wrt wb,


All praise be to Allah.

To Allah we belong, and to Him we return.

It is not permissible to mourn for a person for more then 3 days, except in the case of a wife for her husband, in which case she is to mourn for 4 months and 10 days.  It is feared that excessive mourning may be a sign of a person not accepting the decree of Allah.  Every soul has an appointed term, and the length of our lives is written by Allah.

As for your crying for your son now, the correct opinion is that he is not punished for that, however, it is something disliked by him, and you should avoid that.  Have trust in Allah's Qadr, the Divine Decree, and that the righteous believers will be reunited in the Akhirah in Paradise.


And Allah knows best.



Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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« Reply #3 on: Jan 11, 2009 10:50 PM »

Assalaamu alaikum,

I am sorry for your loss.  I do not know of any specific du^aas that you can make, but the one above is the most common one.  I pray that Allaah Makes the loss of your son more bearable for you insha'Allaah and I hope that your heart's anguish begins to lessen.

I do not mean to take the focus away from the original poster but I found this a bit difficult to accept so I just wanted to say something:

 
As for your crying for your son now, the correct opinion is that he is not punished for that, however, it is something disliked by him, and you should avoid that. 

Crying is a very natural emotion, it's plain human to cry when you've lost someone that you love dearly.  There are hadiths which clearly state that the Prophet himself cried when certain people died.  You cannot tell a grieving person that they cannot cry, subhanAllaah.  Crying is different to someone who is in mourning.  Ok, yes if a person does not celebrate the next Eid because their loved one has died months ago, this is wrong.  If someone continues to wear certain coloured clothes to show that they are still mourning after the 3 days has passed, this is wrong.  It is normal to cry and miss someone, think about them constantly, and this can last up to 2yrs for some people.  Crying and mourning are two different aspects of the grief reaction.  Please don't tell somebody to not behave as a human being. 


'If he woke up and had enough food for the day and shelter (a roof over his head) and he does not fear for his safety, then it is as if he has been given the dunya.'
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« Reply #4 on: Jan 12, 2009 11:30 PM »

Asalamualaikum wrt wb,


All praise be to Allah.


Honorable sister,


I understand that for the mother, especially, it is difficult to bear the loss of a child.  However, this does not mean we exceed the bounds of the Shariah, in a way that is offensive to Allah.  Following the Shariah does not make one inhuman, rather it perfects our humanity and makes it pleasing to Allah.

Our success lies in following the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad, pbuh, as understood by the scholars.  The Prophet's, pbuh, crying for Ibraheem was on the same day he died, within the mourning period.

I will convey to you the exact words of the Prophet Muhammad, pbuh, as authentically narrated by Imam al-Bukhari in his Saheeh, then I will give you the explanation of that text by the Eminent Scholar, Shaykh Na'eem al-Araqsoosi. 



Hadith 1281 in Saheeh Bukhari:  Umm Habiba, the wife of the Prophet, pbuh, said: "I heard the Prophet pbuh saying, "It is not legal for a woman who believes in Allah and the Last Day to mourn for any dead person for more than three days except for her husband, for whom she should mourn for four months and ten days."

Many of the righteous Sahabiyaat would ask for perfume on the end of the third day of mourning, and put coloring on their cheeks, to show that they were observing the Sunnah of the Prophet of ending the period of mourning, such as the following narration in Bukhari:

"One of the sons of Umm 'Atiyya died, and when it was the third day, she asked for a yellow perfume and put it over her body, and said, "We were forbidden to mourn for more than three days except for our husbands."

On another occaison, the Prophet, pbuh, found a woman crying by the side of a grave.  He said to her: To fear Allah and be patient.  She replied, "Go away, you have not been afflicted by a calamity like mine."  She did not recognize him.  She later went to him to apologize, but he said: "Verily, the patience is at the first stroke of a calamity."


They Shaykh mentioned that the words of the Prophet, pbuh, "That the dead are punished in their graves because of the wailng of the living over them, " meant that either they are punished because they did not warn their family not to weep over them, or that they are annoyed by this weeping.  There are two narrations of this hadith, one with the word wailing, and one with the word weeping.

On another occasion, the Prophet, pbuh, heard women crying loudly over the death of one of the Sahabah, and he repeatedly asked the Sahabah to make  them stop, and to even put dirt in their mouths to make them stop.

Please do not feel offended, I only wish to convey the Prophet's teaching.  If you do not wish to follow it, then you are free, and I am not sent as a controller over your affairs.

If you claim that crying for three months in an uncontrollable fashion is not mourning, then I respectfully disagree with your opinion.  If you say that weeping can last for two years, except for the Eids, than please provide Fiqh evidence for this claim.

However, if you feel that my original post was not gentle enough because I did not offer condolences, then I did this because the scholars forbid visiting a person to offer condolences after the 3 days of mourning.  In any case, please accept my apologies, and I will try to be softer in conveying the knowledge.  Please forgive me for anything.



Your brother,


And Allah knows best.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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« Reply #5 on: Jan 13, 2009 09:22 AM »

I appreciate you replying, and again I am sorry to the original poster because I did not want to take away the focus of her post.  I think we are both misunderstanding each other.  Wailing is incorrect behaviour, and mourning for longer than the time period which the religion states (3 days in the case of someone other than the husband, and 4 months and 10 days for the widow) again is wrong, so here we both agree.  Crying though is different to wailing, this can be done silently, and as far as I am aware the religion does not prohibit this.  I think you and myself have a different understanding on what crying means.  As for the grieving process (I am not talking about mourning here) lasting up to two years, this is something that I picked up in my profession through contacts in a bereavement organisation.

I am sorry if my previous post sounded harsh, but again, I just want to reiterate that I agree with the fact that wailing and mourning are prohibited, but that I have a different understanding of what the word crying means, so I think this is where we are disgreeing.

Please do not feel offended, I only wish to convey the Prophet's teaching.  If you do not wish to follow it, then you are free, and I am not sent as a controller over your affairs.

There is no need to write this.  Only Allaah ta^ala is the Controller over everyone's affairs. I appreciate the gentle tone of your second post, but please do not say that one does not wish to follow the Prophet's teaching.  That is an incorrect thing to say, escpecially as the issue for me boils down to a different understanding of a word.  Indeed, Allaah Knows best. 


'If he woke up and had enough food for the day and shelter (a roof over his head) and he does not fear for his safety, then it is as if he has been given the dunya.'
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« Reply #6 on: Jan 13, 2009 05:10 PM »

Asalamualaikum wrt wb,


I spoke to one of the Shaikh's here, and he mentioned the following advice:


1.)  Try to remember the Prophet's pbuh patience and all the suffering he went through.  Compare your loss with the losses the Prophet pbuh went through, such as at Ta'if, Ghazwat Uhud, and that all his male children passed away during his lifetime.

2.)  Seek consolance with some Muslim sisters in your community, and ask them to make dua for you, to overcome the shock of this event.

3.)  Remember the verse of Allah, "Perhaps you dislike a thing, and it is better for you."  Have a positive view of Allah, that perhaps He intended to save your son from some greater harm.  Be grateful for your other children, and ask Allah to bless them always, in this world and the next.


I ask Allah to make things easy for you honorable sister, and bring peace and solace to your heart, and help you overcome this sudden loss, that may make it difficult for you to bear.  May you and your whole family be blessed always.



Your brother,


And Allah knows best.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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« Reply #7 on: Jan 17, 2009 03:19 AM »

First all of, your human and a mother - there's no length of time the feelings will stop or go away. When you feel you can put this is your soul and move on, that's when you can lead a normal day again. Always remember the good times and always rememebr your always with the passing. I can't image anyone telling you to stop and move on. Time will go on and time will past, when you ready to let go and continue your journey through life. You will know. The moral of the story is - you don't want to see your children leave before you do. I will keep you in my prayers. I'm really sorry for your loss.

I just would like to learn as much as I can. I would like help cooking arabic dishes also learning the culture.
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« Reply #8 on: Jan 21, 2009 07:14 PM »

Salam alaikum wrb,

    As for the sorrow that one has for one that has passed away, one should get over it after a while,
not dwell on it continuously for the rest of their life. Everything is by the destiny of Allah, and one should
believe firmly in the oneness of Allah, and His decree, and know that it was written and destined to happen,
and that nothing can change the destiny.

    Many of the scholars recommend doing good deeds on behalf of the deceased, like giving charity, making
duas,  etc. Some of the scholars say that reciting the Quran is also good, however there is a distinction
amongst some the scholars of whether the deed is monetary or bodily, nevertheless for the most part the good
deeds reach the deceased.

    And Allah knows.

May Allah increase you in knowledge.
Take a look at my site:  http://www.tajwid.info

Also a good site with several mp3 durus of beneficial knowledge from our ulema, fiqh explaining the book "bulgh Maram" , Q&A, http://www.imamfaisal.com
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« Reply #9 on: Jan 21, 2009 10:41 PM »

Everything is by the destiny of Allah, and one should
believe firmly in the oneness of Allah, and His decree, and know that it was written and destined to happen,
and that nothing can change the destiny.
 

First of all, no one disagrees with this.  This is like one of the most basic beliefs of Islaam and no one who has responded to this thread has even remotely alluded that they object to this, so I'm not entirely sure why it's been put in.

As for the sorrow that one has for one that has passed away, one should get over it after a while,
not dwell on it continuously for the rest of their life.


Erm, the Prophet would still feel sad whenever he remembered Lady Khadija.  Also Prophet Yacoub was distressed and sorrowful when Prophet Yusuf was taken away and he did not see him for years.  His sorrow is clearly stated in the Qur'aan.

The original poster has said that it has been 3 months. I therefore think it was heartless to state 'not to dwell on it continuously for the rest of their life', as  her bereavement is still fresh and raw. 

'If he woke up and had enough food for the day and shelter (a roof over his head) and he does not fear for his safety, then it is as if he has been given the dunya.'
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« Reply #10 on: Jan 22, 2009 07:07 AM »

Asalaamu Alaikum  bro

This thread really shows you that the manner in which you say something is equally as important as the content of what you say.

InshaAllah, Anon, we pray that you and your husband remain patient in your loss.


Quote
Many of the scholars recommend doing good deeds on behalf of the deceased, like giving charity, making
duas,  etc.

Maybe doing something active like the above will help in this regard.

Say: "O ye my servants who believe! Fear your Lord, good is (the reward) for those who do good in this world. Spacious is God's earth! those who patiently persevere will truly receive a reward without measure!" [39:10]
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« Reply #11 on: Jan 22, 2009 12:08 PM »

Assalaamu alaikum,

I was thinking that you may wish to perform umrah (if you are able to and have the means) on behalf of your son.  I know of a few people who have done this on behalf of their deceased, and it may be a great comfort to you to be in such a special holy place at this time.

May Allaah ta^ala Make things easier for you.

'If he woke up and had enough food for the day and shelter (a roof over his head) and he does not fear for his safety, then it is as if he has been given the dunya.'
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« Reply #12 on: Jan 24, 2009 03:46 AM »

Thank you all for your replies.
I am aware of the period of mourning acceptable in Islam and I wish I could be stronger but the tears just fall silently at times  sometimes when I am walking in the street,or doing something else.The pain of my sons sudden loss is so hard to bear. Both my husband and I try so hard to be strong but we are both shadows of our former selves, we are weighed down with sadness.We ask Allah to bless and protect our other children and are grateful for having them. If anyone knows of any other duah or what I can do in my sons name please let me know. Also what are the duah/ayats to read to try to help us with this pain and sadness.
May Allah give him a place in Jannah al Firdaws.
Salaams


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« Reply #13 on: Jan 24, 2009 03:51 AM »

Assalam Ailkum.
Thank you all for your replies. I do accept the will of Allah. However I cannot stop my tears falling. I ask Allah for strength for me and my family to bear this loss.We miss our son and brother. I cannot find words to explain the sadness and pain that I feel knowing I won't see or hear my son again. Will we meet again in the hereafter?

I make Duah for him and will give to charity. While I know we are not meant to mourn forever. Part of me has gone and it is so hard to see your child go before you regardless of their age. Each day I hope the next day will be easier but it is not. My faith has been shaken but I still believe and trust in Allah. It is only by his will that this sadness pass if it ever does.
May Allah bless and protect all.
Salaams.

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« Reply #14 on: Jan 24, 2009 11:06 AM »


as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,

May Allah grant you comfort.  I can only imagine the sorrow you must be going through and I ask that Allah make it a means of strengthening your faith, and an elevation for you and your family.  I am reminded of Surah Yusuf (alayhis salaam), I always get choked up on the words of Yusuf's father when he is longing for his son... 'ya asafaa ala yusuf'.  SubhanAllah.  The human experience is the same across time, place and culture. 

You should know that if your son was a righteous person then insha'Allah, he is in a place much better than this one, free of the difficulties, trials, pain and suffering that this world contains.  And even if he was not so righteous, may I tell you that the duaa of a mother is very, very powerful and that you can do certain deeds on your son's behalf, such as reading Quran with the intention that the rewards goes to him, performing umrah, etc.  Perhaps you can channel your feelings of sadness into something that will benefit your son, and know that he will be so appreciative and happy that you have made duaa for his sake and done other things on his behalf.

Know that it is only a short time until you will see him again, insha'Allah...

salaam,
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