// How to deal with a child who is disrespecting
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Author Topic: How to deal with a child who is disrespecting  (Read 3243 times)
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Anonymous
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« on: Feb 09, 2009 08:34 PM »


Asalamulaikum

How does one deal with a child who is disrespecting you and not listening to you. What type of punishments should one use? Also the child is crying and acting up all the time because he is going through a life changing experience.
Anonymous
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« Reply #1 on: Feb 09, 2009 09:37 PM »

salam

How old is the child, what kind of things is he/she doing that is disrespectful?


Wassalaam
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #2 on: Feb 10, 2009 12:01 AM »

 bisms
I am going to assume who the poster is and answer accordingly.

Divorce is major trauma for a child. There are certain things that are happening in their little precious minds. First- most think they caused or are the reason for the divorce. 2nd they also think the custodial parent is going to leave them and 3rd- they are dealing with the parents emotional/abusive baggage. Yes...they hear everything.

You must address these issues. You and I both know that you are not going to leave your son. We also know he is not the reason for the divorce.  Please reassure, over and over, in every way possible ,that the afore mentioned are not true to him. He is lonely and scared in his own world of a child of divorce. Let him know that Allah swt loves him, will protect him. This way when your behaviour or dad's scare him- he has Allah swt.

Then you must deal with your behaviours. Allah swt wants us to respect our parents. Never, ever, cut down the spouse. Do not talk on the phone about him- unless it is good stuff. Do not cry, scream, or throw tantrums when your child is around. We want our children to respect their parents... Dad could be a hero...even if you don't like it.. he will find out when he gets older what the real deal is and will have more respect for you that you let him grow up having a dad who is all that. if dad does something really hurtful in front of the child- teach your child how to grant forgiveness.  Acknowledge that dad said a bad word and we will try to forgive him and insha Allah Dad won't do it again.

He has learned to disrespect you because he watched dad do it. So every time he does it- make it clear that this is not acceptable behaviour (never raise your voice). Prophet Muhammad said for us to respect our mothers... - then put him in time out for about 4 minutes. Come back ask him why he was punished and make him apologize. Then reassure him that you love him and if you know the trigger that set him off- address it. If time allows then talk about paradise being at your feet and try to dispell some of his pent up emotions. It is a lot of work, I know- but you must handle it now- before he turns 16. This should only happen a couple of weeks- he must unlearn behaviour he has witnessed during the last four years.

If he is not listening to you- get down to his level- get eye contact and make him repeat back what you asked him to do. Prophet Muhammad pbuh said to say things 3 times over if you don't think they are understanding. Then to the timeout if he refuses to hear you.  Also, check your commands- generally a kid that age should only be told to do one thing at a time and he is a man- so be specific! 'Go clean your room'- is too vague. 'go pick up your toys' is too much to process.  'Go put your cars in the blue box' is right on. 'Put your crayons in the drawer' is specific.
Then reward.. make him want to please you! Make a sticker chart.

There are alot of parenting books out there about handling a child of divorce. Insha Allah you will find one suitable for your needs.

Remember this to shall pass... this is not a reason to ignore the situation- if you deal with it now- even tho you are an emotional mess it will be better in the long run. Make dua, make dua, make dua.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #3 on: Feb 10, 2009 03:50 AM »

yes, knowing the age of the child and a couple examples of what you mean by disrespecting will make
a huge difference in our advice.
However from a mom who has 29 and 30 y/o's disrespecting her, my biggest advice it to get in under control NOW.
Let's see what you mean first and I'll give you some examples of what I can as mistakes I now see I made in the past.
One major one? Never go back on what you say.
Always be ready to stick to the rules and not give on cause they were good.
If you say they cannot do XYZ until ABC is done, don't give on when they only do AB and not C.
If time out if 20 mins, don't let them out in 10.
Always mean what you say and say what you mean.
Anonymous
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« Reply #4 on: Feb 10, 2009 09:19 AM »

what a terrible assumption.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #5 on: Feb 10, 2009 09:49 AM »

salam

In general children want reassurance that  they are loved and that there are boundaries set for them.

Make time to play with your little one, if (s)he cries a lot ask her what the matter is, and talk to the child about her feelings and that its OK to be sad/angry, but not OK to take it out on mummy.

Do a star chart so when he/she does so many good/helpful things in a row he/she gets a sticker and when the chart is full they get something they really want a childrens magazine a small toy (something cheap) or a favourite meal or something.

Don't take disrespect from your child, if he/she is being rude you tell them immediately 'no' that is not nice and put them in time out, or if he/she is really playing up, put him/her in a room where they cannot hurt themself and have no toys till they calm down. I used to do this with mine, they'd generally calm down after a few minutes and I'd go into the room to find the child singing/looking out of the window etc and eventually they would kiss me and tell me they were sorry they made me sad.

If you are currently in the middle of a divorce, do not make the childs father out to be a martyr, a wonderful human being, because that makes you a target for abuse and resentment from the child now and probably for the rest of the childs life. Because absence does make the heart fonder especially if you replace the real memories with fake rose tinted ones. If the child has witnessed abuse and talks about it, let him/her, then acknowledge that what he saw was naughty, and we don't do that because we love eachother and we love Allah and Allah is sad when we are naughty like that. I feel that pretending the abuse never happened especially if a child has witnessed it, is in itself abusive, your telling the child his/her memories are lies, and when children are young truth and lies are a huge deal to them.
Tell your child you love him/her often, you will always keep him safe inshallah, and make fun happy memories for one another, go to the park, go shopping together, get your child to memorise items your need to buy, allow him/her to help decide what to buy ie this apple or this banana etc.

You can do it inshallah, make time with you fun as well, structure your days, so your child knows what to expect, and just love him/her and always pray for him/her and get your child to make dua too it's really cute when little kids make dua and you say ameen.


Wassalaam
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #6 on: Feb 14, 2009 06:52 PM »

ok, but are we talking about a 3 or 4 year old? Or a 10 year old? Or a teen ager?
It makes a hugh difference. Hard to give advice and ideas when one doesn't know
what the age group of the child is and what one means bu disrespecting?
Is it a young child not listening or an older child talking rudely?
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #7 on: Feb 19, 2009 12:08 AM »

what a terrible assumption.

What is a terrible assumption?
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #8 on: Feb 19, 2009 05:57 PM »

I am going to assume who the poster is and answer accordingly.

That is a terrible assumption.
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