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Siham
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« on: Mar 12, 2009 09:05 PM »


Guidelines for the Husband in Interacting with his Wife

The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is composed of individuals that have permanent relations established between them. Most importantly, it possesses almost a majority of the different kinds of personal relations.

Because of this, there must be certain etiquettes placed in order to control and regulate these relations. This is such that it can be maintained in the best possible manner, and so that it can generate and produce its proper fruits. Family relations consist of the relationship between the spouses from one perspective, the relationship between the parents and the children from a second perspective, and the relationship between the children themselves from a third perspective.

Etiquettes of the husband:

1. It is not from the deficiencies, but rather from good manners, that the husband shares in the responsibility of specified matters, such as the mending of garments or what is similar to that.

2. It is appropriate for a man to not restrict himself from serving himself. This is since the wife takes care of the household affairs. So therefore, it is from good manners that the husband extend a helping hand to his wife in the house, during times of necessity, such as when she is sick, pregnant, has given birth or similar to that.

3. The exemplary husband is he who cooperates with his wife by bearing good relations and showing kind manners (to her), according to the full extent of the meaning contained in these (last) two expressions. Truly, the husbands who are best at working alongside their wives are the best of mankind in the view of Islaam. This good way of living between the spouses must be deeply imbedded into the daily marital life, even at the time of divorce.

4. Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with over-seriousness! For indeed characterizing the family life with a militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad results.

5. From the kind and noble manners of the husband is that he complies and assents to the requests of his wife, so long as they are not forbidden in the Religion. And being luxurious in food, drink and clothing is at the entrance of matters forbidden in the Religion.

6. The relationship between the spouses must contain one singular and specific nature. And it cannot be this way unless the couple begins demolishing all the obstacles and impediments that stand between them. For example, the husband should not feel timid and restrain himself from drinking out of the same cup that his wife drinks out of.

7. And he must always remember that for each member of the couple, there will be an aspect of ones personality that conflicts with the others personality. And he should also remember that if there are some characteristics that he doesn't find pleasing in his wife, then indeed she has other characteristics, which will definitely be pleasing to him.

8. Do not let Ramadaan be a barrier that impedes you from showing affection to your wife, such as by kissing her. But this is so long as you are able to refrain yourself, since what is forbidden during the days of Ramadaan is only sexual intercourse.

9. Do not chase after the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So overlook your wife's easy ability to make mistakes, and make her falling into them seem like something small.

10. If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her. This is of course according to the extent of your ability.

11. The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the order of the house.

12. Beware of scolding your wife or blaming her for a mistake she committed, in the presence of others, even if they are your own children. For indeed that is an act that goes against correct behavior and it will lead to raising anger in the hearts of people.

13. If you are forced to place punishment upon your wife, then let it be by staying away from her at bedtime. And do not boycott her except that it is done within the household. And avoid using foul language, insulting her, beating her and describing her with repulsive names. For these matters do not befit an exemplary husband.

14. Having jealousy and caring about the modesty of your wife is a praiseworthy thing, which shows your love for her. However it is on the condition that you do not go to great extremes in this jealousy. For then at that point, it would turn into something worthy of no praise.

15. Entering the house: Do not alarm your family by entering upon them suddenly. Rather, enter while they are aware of it, and greet them with Salaam. And ask about them and how they are doing. And do not forget to remember Allaah, the Mighty and Sublime, when you enter the house.

16. Beware of spreading any secrets connected with the intimate encounters you have with your wife, for that is something restricted and forbidden.

17. Constantly maintain the cleaning of your mouth and the freshening of your breath.

18. Guardianship of your wife doesn't mean that you can exploit what Allaah has bestowed upon you from taking charge of her, such that you harm and oppress her.

19. Showing respect and kindness to your wife's family is showing respect and kindness to her. And this applies even after her death, on the condition that it is not accompanied by an act forbidden in the Religion, such as intermingling of the sexes or being in privacy (with them).

20. Too much joking will lead to (your family having) little fear (of disobeying you) and a lack of respect for you. So do not joke too much with them.

21. Be considerate that fulfilling the conditions which you promised to your wife during the pre-marriage agreement is a matter possessing the highest of importance and priority. So do not neglect that after getting married.

22. When you lecture your wife or reprimand her or simply speak to her, choose the kindest and nicest of words and expressions for your speech. And do not reprimand her in front of others or in front of your children.

23. It is not proper for you to ask your wife to look for work outside of the house or to spend upon you from her wealth.

24. Do not overburden your wife with acts that she is not able to handle. Consider, with extreme regard, the environment she was raised up in. Rural service is not like urban service, and the service of a strong woman and her preparation for it is not like the service of a weak woman.

25. There is nothing in the obligation of a woman's service to her husband that negates his assisting her in that regard, if he should find the free time. Rather, this is from the good manners of living between the spouses.



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Hard2Hit
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« Reply #1 on: Dec 06, 2009 01:32 PM »

Ignore the guitar...



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Siham
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« Reply #2 on: Mar 30, 2010 04:07 AM »

How to Be a Great Husband
The most challenging and rewarding things you'll ever do. A woman needs to feel that she is the Love of your life.
 
Steps
Choose a great wife carefully. Then tell her you love her when you hang up the phone with her, leave her, and generally as much as possible without being annoying or cheapening the phrase. You never know when your time is up so always remember to make sure she knows how much you love her!

Always greet your wife with a hug and kiss that says that you're happy to see her and do the same when you leave her to say you will miss her.

Be her greatest supporter. Be someone she knows that she can always count on. Be there for her when she has had a long day. Listen to her with attentive eyes and ears. Back her up "100" percent! Be prepared to talk with her about how she feels, (and, yes, how you feel, too).

Talk to her about things that interest you, too - don't worry too much that she'll be bored - she'll be thrilled that you want to share your hobbies with her. If possible, try to find an aspect of your interest that she can join in with (if she doesn't already). The efforts you make to help her enjoy what you enjoy will pay off enormously!

Nurture your wife. Little things go a long way! For example, making breakfast, making her coffee/cocoa, giving her back rubs - anything to make her feel comfy and loved. Mutual service promotes mutual respect.

Give her space. Let's face it, we can't be face to face 24 hours a day. We all need our alone time, even if it's for just 10 minutes, if you give her that respect, she will do the same for you but on the flipside always make sure you give her enough time alone with you. Most relationships call for at least 2 times a week having a few hours together alone.

Understand that your personal relationship, aside from any children, should be more important to you than your other family members, work etc. Treat her as such. If you're worried about looking independent in front of them, then talk with your wife and set clear expectations about what decisions you can make without each other, and what decisions must absolutely be discussed. But also, ask yourself why you feel you should look independent instead of married. It may not be hard to say "Let me talk this over with my other half".

Wash the dishes- use the power tools together.

Don't show her even the mildest forms of contempt. Contempt is poison in a relationship. You don't have to act like you like what she said or did, but do not take on an attitude of superiority, even subtly in passing, such as momentary smirking, sighs of disgust or eye-rolling.

Be honest! Nothing will destroy a relationship faster than dishonesty. Even if its a little lie, or not telling her where you're going, or that you're going at all it really causes disconnection. You both feel it. SO just don't lie. ALWAYS tell her the truth.
 
Tips
When she's upset, listen, listen, listen. Resist the urge to offer advice unless she asks for it, and don't get defensive. Just listen, and show her that you are trying to understand.
 
Husbands and Wives live together but make sure you spend enough time on her turf as you do your own. Make her see that wherever you are you feel like home when you are with her.

Women love a home-cooked meal. Find your inner Jacques P├ępin.
Offer your wife a massage (or foot rub, or back scratch...) when she's had a bad day.

PRAISE your wife in public, but if you notice something you'd like to criticise, please FIND a PRIVATE moment. In public make sure everyone around you knows she is your girl!Hold hands whenever possible, kiss, hug, a tap on the butt. To her you are letting everyone know your off the market

A nice romantic gesture goes a long way! Even if it's a little love note to start the day. Light some candles, run a hot bath, wash her hair. These are just a few ideas.

Be aware that she may not perceive love the SAME way you do. Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch, Verbal Affirmation, and Acts of Service are the different "Love Languages" you and your wife might have -- make sure you find out what hers is, and speak her "love language"!

Show up at her work or home with just a flower or two this will brighten her day and you will make her feel like she is the most important woman in the world.

Warnings
Discuss your values together and make sure that they are compatible before doing something permanent.

Discuss your financial dreams together and research and plan to achieve them together.

Make sure that you both continue to grow and change; you may drift apart, but you may also become a better and more exciting person with each growth spurt you undergo.

Continue spending time with her alone and cherishing her.

Make sure you tell her you find her attractive and why. Discuss her strengths.
Never sneak around whether it be on your home/cell phones or out in every day life, giving your attentions to another woman. If you'd like an open relationship, discuss it with her first, so she should have part in what she wants for herself; she may agree or disagree!

Avoid petty put-downs.

Never stop trying to sweep her off her feet.

If your wife is ever missing something in the emotional department, not getting affection, words of love, emotion from you then she may be vulnerable to a man who offers any or all of those things!
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"...Surely my prayer and my sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds..." (Qur'an, 6:162)
crazybuoy
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« Reply #3 on: Jun 18, 2010 06:59 AM »

 hi

good posts. thanks for sharing.
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skhansj
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« Reply #4 on: Jun 18, 2010 03:44 PM »

Wow, I didn't know that wives came with a user manual!



Treating your sweetheart with respect, encouraging her to be a better muslimah, never bearing any ill-will or grudges against her (you do want her to be in Jannah, right ?) and knowing when she needs a hug or some assistance seems to work for me.

Discuss everything of importance with her (it's called mash'waraa i.e. consultation), and make sure there is no miscommunication. You guys can't both get everything you want all the time, and have to compromise (repeat that word many times) to keep things peaceful... and yes, disagreements are fine, and only show that you both care enough about the marriage to express what you feel.


.. and of course, you have to treat her better than everyone else (she's family, and the love of your life!)... which is something a lot of people don't do unfortunately (I suppose they take her for granted or have expectations/disagreements/ill-communication).

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