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Author Topic: Did we make a mistake by coming to the West? The Broken Marriage Link  (Read 2225 times)
UBAB
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« on: Apr 08, 2009 08:53 PM »


This is my first serious opinion piece - ubab

***
Br. Lucid comment really pushed a button, when he said that Muslim men are marrying outside of the religion because Muslim women may be too educated for the Muslim men.

There is a greater picture to that has not been addressed regarding the broken marriage link. I been talking to different Asian and religious groups from people whose families immigrated in the 60's, 70's and early 80's.

When the communities moved to the west, they came here in waves: setting up shop, working, raising kids, setting up their religious buildings, etc... The kids they had was generally a 50/50 split between boys and girls. As they grew up, the boys were not as mature as the girls, so when a girl wants to get married in from the original communties, there was no one "ready" or available.

By the time a boy was ready or completed obligations required by society, such as finish his degree and get a job, he started looking for a girl younger than him (not always the case, but bear with me). So girls his age were left without a partner. If these communities were still in their original countries, chances are that the girl would find someone who was, say their uncles friend or older classmates or something like that, basically, a boy who was mature. But because we came here, that link was broken: there were no older boys. This seems to be most prevalent with girls who were born in the late 60's to about say 1981 or 82 say. All the boys who were born during that same time (and wanted to marry from within the community) either married younger (even marrying one year younger would break the chain) or married someone from "back home" and brought them here. Whereas, the opposite did not occur to the same extent.

Now that these groups or communties are here permanently, this is going to be cascading effect for a few generations until it's large enough or it merges with the greater community.

My married Korean friend is telling me the same thing is happening to his community. There are Korean girls born in the late 70's to early 80's who are, in his opinion, extremely attractive, well educated, extremely wealthy through their jobs, yet cannot find a mate from their cultural group. Even when they turn their parents - they now say, "you can marry any Asian now, not just Korean" - which isn't much help...

So what is the solution?

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« Reply #1 on: Apr 09, 2009 06:07 AM »

salam,

this was talked about quite a bit in an anonymous thread about sisters having problems getting married. the whole 'wanting to marry someone not as educated' is just one of the problems affecting the sisters of this generation. there probably isn't one solution but a multi-prong solution, but no one seems to care or don't see this as a real problem. they end up seeing the girl marrying someone, anyone and therefore conclude there is no problem. later on they see the 50% divorce rate but still don't see the problem.

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« Reply #2 on: Apr 09, 2009 07:25 AM »

Asalaamu Alaikum  bro

Interesting discussion Br UBAB.


I'm not sure about the whole 'coming to the West' thing though because divorce rates in the Middle East aren't that great either.


On a slight tangent I really do think parents need to *network* more even when their children are still young. Years of getting to know different people and families really well should inshaAllah increase your son's/daughter's chances of finding a suitable spouse.


Overall, though, certainly no easy, or quick, answers.

Say: "O ye my servants who believe! Fear your Lord, good is (the reward) for those who do good in this world. Spacious is God's earth! those who patiently persevere will truly receive a reward without measure!" [39:10]
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« Reply #3 on: Apr 09, 2009 08:11 AM »

salaam

well Im not sure if the education is the problem, I think its something else. I personally did not marry 'late' nor did I finish my education. But the guys in my community who are educated and have a job arent married yet. So the girls who got educated and are not married and are younger or same age could be the perfect match for them but for some reason the guys dont want to marry them, most of them want to look overseas for a girl.

So I think the problem is not really that the girls want to finish their education first I think its the problem that guys want to look overseas because they 'think' that the girls are better there.

I can understand that some girls are wack here but so are the guys!!!

One auntie whos son grew up here looked for a girl in India thinking she would be of big help to her and all. Well the girl has moved out of the house and they went to go live separate and I know the aunties sometimes joke to her that 'oh you were looking for someone in India thinking she would be live with you'  By the way the auntie is very good and nice ...and well so is the girl ...but maybe the couple wanted their independency?

Anyway thats out of subject but now the auntie is looking for someone here in usa.

But I think the thinking does need to change.. The girls overseas arent exactly all good little girls. Infact some say are more malicious and as my uncle always says that they do more 'ayashi' (fun) and all kinds of bad things as well but hide it better
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