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Author Topic: Why I didn't want a girl  (Read 6710 times)
Blessedgrandma
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« on: Apr 30, 2009 08:55 PM »


I enjoyed this and thought some of you might too.
I can really relate to this as I also only wanted boys and was blessed with sons.
However I am blessed with granddaughters (and a grandson) and I now see what I missed.
But being blessed with granddaughter now, rather than daughter in my younger day I truly see as a blessing
and can truly say, Allah knows and KNEW best.



http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/04/30/o.why.didnt.want.girl/index.html

By Amy Wilson
     

(Parenting.com) -- In an elevator, in line at the grocery store, waiting for the bus, it always goes like this: Strangers' eyes zero in on my belly first. Then they dart furtively to my face, as if to make sure I'm not a mutant, just visibly pregnant.


Mom of boys worried while pregnant with girl that she wouldn't be able to handle a feminine child.

 After this, they ask, "Is this your first?"

"My third," I answer. "I have two boys at home."

And for the kicker, they unfailingly give me a sideways grin, and say: "Going for your girl?"

"Nooo, just going for a baby," I reply, gritting my teeth a little. "Another boy would be fine with us."

I know these people are just making conversation. But this constant assumption leaves me a little offended. What's wrong with boys? Why wouldn't I want another one? It bothers me that people assume I feel incomplete without a daughter, let alone that it's my motivation for being pregnant with a third child in the first place. Parenting.com: Dirty little secrets moms keep

One woman actually said to me, "I had two boys first also. And then I had my girl. Thank God."

To these people, I say, "I actually hope it's another boy. I like boys better."

I do this partially in defense of the two wonderful sons I have. But it's the truth. I love what I have, and I have what I love: boys. I understand them. I understand the clothes, the toys, and the Matchbox-car skids on my wallpaper.

Not that having two boys is easy -- their physical interaction can be, shall we say, overwhelming. But I love even that, because when I say I am the mother of two boys less than two years apart, I get a respectful nod or even a big thumbs-up for having that much testosterone in my daily life.

The night we found out I was pregnant again, my husband, David, said, "Odds are it's another boy. How do you feel about that?"

I thought for a moment, and answered honestly, "I feel good about that." He patted my hand. "That's how I feel, too," he replied, and we both drifted off to sleep. It was more than good; we were relieved.

Several weeks later, I had an amnio, but we told the doctor and technicians that we wanted the baby's sex to be a secret. Keeping it a surprise has always been more fun, and there seemed no reason to spoil the anticipation. Our doctor agreed to keep mum.

Then, two weeks later, I called to schedule my next appointment. "Hi, Amy! Your amnio looked great, and it's a girl! How nice for you," the receptionist blurted.

For a moment I didn't know what she was talking about. Then I realized what she had just revealed and I almost dropped the phone. "Wha-what? " I said. The receptionist heard the bewilderment in my voice. "You knew, right?" she said. "The doctor told me you knew."

"I didn't know," I said, my head spinning. "I'm sorry...I'll have to call back."

I sat there in a daze. This child I was just starting to feel stir inside me was a girl? I waited for the excitement to wash over me. It didn't come. Not only was I not thrilled -- I was disappointed. I'm still not sure whether I was more bummed by how I found out or what I found out. Either way, I was shaken. Parenting.com: Will you be a good mother? How to read the signs

Even before I had sons, I worried about having a daughter. I could handle boys, with their cut-and-dried needs, but girls were so much more complicated. Girls have elaborate hairstyling requirements. They whine and mope, manipulate and triangulate. How was I going to deal with that?

I was ashamed of feeling apprehension about my unborn daughter. But I couldn't shake it. What if I weren't able to embrace what she loves? What if I couldn't stomach daily viewings of "The Little Mermaid?"

My sons sneer at all things princess, and so do I. We love to pore over the Birthday Express catalog so the boys can plan the themes of their parties through 2013. My role in this is to gasp, "Oh, I think you should have a pink-poodle party!" "YUCK!! That's for GIRLS!!" they shriek, and I laugh along with them. What will I do when I have someone who wants a pink-poodle party?

I know not all girls are like this -- sugar and spice and Hannah Montana. My own niece provides a compelling dirt-under-her-fingernails counter example. Plus, I can choose not to expose my daughter to the pink princess world in the first place.

But having already had two children, I've learned that you can't control their hardwiring. If she wants to be a princess, that's what she'll be. I don't allow toy weapons in the house -- which just means that my boys blithely improvise sippy-cup shootouts and remote-control duels to the death.

I also worry that girls have it harder -- whether they're tomboys or wear tutus. I fear I won't know how to protect my child from a world that may often tell her that she's not good enough as she is. That, in order to get ahead, she's going to have to deny some part of herself. Having a daughter means there's so much more, as a mother, that I can do wrong. Parenting.com: The things that moms feel guiltiest about
http://www.parenting.com/article/Mom/Relationships/Kiss-Mommy-Guilt-Goodbye/1 )

I was hoping that my husband's reaction to the news would make me feel better about all of this. When I got him alone, I told him that the receptionist had screwed up, and that I knew. He hid his face in his hands. "Well, don't tell me!" he said. "I don't want to know!"

That was four months ago. I've got three weeks left, and two of my closest friends know I'm having a girl, but my husband still doesn't.

"Will you be happy either way?" I ask David. "Of course, honey," he says, and I can tell by his voice he thinks I'm carrying the third boy he wants more anyway. "Three sons would be amazing."

So it's up to me to psych myself up for this one's arrival. I figured one distinct advantage to knowing ahead of time that she was a girl was that she wouldn't have to wear yellow and green for the first six months like her mystery brothers had. I went shopping recently to stock up on girlie sleepers, Onesies, and Trumpette socks. This will get me excited, I thought. It's like going out to see department-store windows to get in the Christmas spirit.

But I was immediately overwhelmed. With boys, there are two racks to choose from. With girls, it's the rest of the store: a staggering array of ruffly, rosy frills.

I couldn't breathe. I grabbed a pink sweater and two pairs of pink socks, got out of there as quick as I could, and buried my purchases in the back of the guest closet.

One of my friends who knows the secret thinks a girl will be great for me. "You deserve a girl!" she said, after watching me separate my two fighting boys. "Just think, she'll be quiet. Calm. Easy." It's true: Even inside me, she's different. When my boys would kick, I'd press against their little feet, and they'd kick back, harder. This baby? If she kicks and I press back, she goes completely still.

So maybe she will be my little angel who will play with her dolls, peaceful and content. But is that what I want for her? If she is gentle, will she be eaten alive by the mean girls in sixth grade? Will I be powerless to protect her?

Her head is engaged, my ob told me yesterday. She can come any day. And when she does, I know my feelings will change. It's happened before.

The second time I saw two lines on my EPT, I had a barely 10-month-old underfoot, and my reaction was: Oh, crap! I'm not ready. My son isn't ready. This child will screw up my first by coming along too soon. And then he was born, and he is the apple of my eye. Happy, easy, loving. As generous with the hugs and kisses as his older brother is stingy. It nearly breaks my heart to watch him sleep.

I'm hoping that will happen again. Since I can't tell my secret to my husband or family, I've started telling strangers and basking in their excitement. Yesterday, a security guard asked if I knew what I was having. "I have two boys at home," I said. "This one's a girl."

She inhaled sharply, then smiled, ruefully: "I just had my third. All three boys. You are so lucky." "Thank you," I said, though I still don't really get it. I'm counting on all these people being right: that when I meet this daughter and look in her eyes, I will understand why everyone else so wanted this for me.

Amy Wilson created the off-Broadway hit "Mother Load," now on national tour. Her daughter, Maggie, is 16 months old, and Wilson "gets it" now, she really gets it. Read her blog and get show details at motherloadshow.com.
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« Reply #1 on: Apr 30, 2009 11:10 PM »

I think people should keep going till they have one of each.. and maybe even better... two of each so they all have a playmate Tongue

ws
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« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2009 03:51 PM »

saAlaaam Alaikum =)

This was really cute actually... I am wondering if fathers feel like that sometimes about sons? Like for example they know they can protect their girls because they're bigger and stronger but sons usually grow up bigger and stronger, so if they have this defenseless feeling within them ever ? (Im generalizing so plz dont bite me)

lol @ jannah ... I agree!
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« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2009 05:07 PM »

salam

From experience, I'd say every parent secretly has a preference. But show me a single parent who hasn't completely fallen in love with their baby regardless of gender when they finally meet!



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2009 06:16 PM »

Assalamo elikuim

Ha ha Jannah Smiley

I think its natural to have a desire to have both daughter and son,but your child is YOUR child and cant love enough Smiley
I always wanted to have a daughter also (who will give me my last bath , Sr Kathy lives all the way north Smiley ) but that doesnt mean that I dont love my boys any less and even if I had boy instead of my daughter , we would have been great just loving the new baby Smiley

Wasalam
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« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2009 08:58 PM »


as salaamu alaykum,

I have to admit, I secretly wished for a boy... raising a girl just seems/seemed so much more complicated... but I'm sure I would have been content with whatever Allah blessed me with.

Quote
I could handle boys, with their cut-and-dried needs, but girls were so much more complicated. Girls have elaborate hairstyling requirements. They whine and mope, manipulate and triangulate. How was I going to deal with that?
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« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2009 07:00 AM »

Asalaamu Alaikum  bro


I actually think there is some real wisdom as to why Allah grants only daughters or only sons to some and a mixture to others.


Quote
But show me a single parent who hasn't completely fallen in love with their baby regardless of gender when they finally meet


Indeed, one of those rare instances in life where the knowledge thereof cannot even begin to come close to the experience thereof!!

Say: "O ye my servants who believe! Fear your Lord, good is (the reward) for those who do good in this world. Spacious is God's earth! those who patiently persevere will truly receive a reward without measure!" [39:10]
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« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2009 02:26 PM »

I always wanted a boy, but only for the sake of my daughters, since I believe every girl needs an older brother (a compliment to my own, as a matter of fact)

But when my husband said last week, "I know boys must bring their own joy, but having a girl is the best feeling in the world..." -- I know exactly what he means by that.

Honestly, how could I disagree:
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« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2009 02:57 PM »

salam


Oh Sr. JO, that little cutey is such a joy to behold, I hope she grows up to be everything you want and more.


My mum said to me very recently, there's nothing a boy can do that she would not get from her girls, practically my sisters and I can achieve everything our brother could, and mum says we bring our own ray of sunshine with us, she reckons altho my brother is fabulous mashallah, the house is is lacking something when we aren't there...... (probably the incessant chatter and chaos)


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2009 01:48 PM »

Assalamo elikuim


Quote
I have to admit, I secretly wished for a boy... raising a girl just seems/seemed so much more complicated...

Ha Ha Sr.Seven , wait till he comes in high school, then you will know what complicated  is Smiley - No Inshallah your son will be the coolness of your's eyes, Ameen.

I think raising boys is more difficuilt then girls (I guess since my daughter is only 4 , it will change  Smiley  and the statement will become raising good kids is difficuilt Smiley )

Sr Fozia, I 101% agree with your mom.
Sr. JustOne , Mashallah that is one happy cute baby - May Allah swt always keep her smiling, Ameen .
Wasalam
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« Reply #10 on: Jun 08, 2009 05:05 AM »

Salam,

I really enjoyed that article. I'm pregnant with my first child, and it's a girl. Before I always wanted boys but as soon as I found out i was expecting I wanted a girl.
 alhamdulillah Allah has given me what I wanted.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me."
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« Reply #11 on: Jul 31, 2009 07:03 AM »

Salaam.
I'm not yet married but I always find pleasure with litle kids, wether males or females. But do have problem in loving very litle child(newly born-1year). May b if atall I married; when blessed a child I'll distant the baby till it reach 2years...(funny? Jst supposing)

"Whoever rejects false deities and believes in Allah has grasped a firm handhold which will never break." Q 2:256"
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« Reply #12 on: Sep 16, 2009 06:03 PM »

I loved this article.

When I was pregnate the first time all I could think about was having a little girl. Maybe because my mom had 2 girls and so did my aunt, I saw mommy and daughter as a special bond. I had it in my mind a girl would be awesome. Even though I had a dream I was having a boy...lol I still rememeber being on the ultrasound table with my ex husband, and looking at this little baby on the screen. Then I heard the words, You're having a BOY. My ex-husband smiled ear to ear and was so excited, I actually had a tear roll down my face. I think I was just scared. I thought this baby will be all about his daddy, sports and "guy stuff". But when Jared came I was sooo happy my first words were "I love you". As I watched him grow he became my little man. I loved having a son, our bond was so wonderful.

The 2nd time I wanted another boy, how great a brother. Then I heard the words you're having a GIRL. and I was like.. nooooo.

Funny how things are. But I am beyond bless by Allah. My children though we have matchbox cars that run over princesses and princesses that marry the transformers, I love seeing the bond my two have with each other, as well as with me. I love showing my son the importance of treating women has human beings and not a piece of meat. Having a sister he is already learning how to adapt to moodswings and tea parties. I love that my daughter feels a sense of security with her brother, but at the same time having to hold her own and saving her dolls from mortal combat, she has a strong sense in who she is. No man will reduce her to weight, or outside appearance or make a comment unless they want decked.

I also the the fact that I can teach them Islam, and watching my 8 year old help his 5 year old sister pray, is something I can never explain in mere words.

Only Allah knows if I will have more, though my new husband tells me my two are enough and he considers them as his own. But boy or girl each is different but equally special Smiley

I believe in Islam like the sun rising, not because I see it but because by it, I see everything else.
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« Reply #13 on: Sep 16, 2009 08:18 PM »

Salam

I waited for four years before Allah SWT blessed me with my child. I remember being so ecstatic at being pregnant that I didnt care about the gender of the child. Then as time goes by I started thinking, I wish my firstborn is a boy. Not for any other reason except to teach my children gender-equal ideas. I mean, the firstborn will always be bigger and stronger so he/she must do all the work that a younger sibling can't, and that includes housework. Then when my second pregnancy occured I prayed that it would be a girl so that I can put into effect my plans to teach my kids gender-equal ideas. Thus 10 years later, my eldest son has to take part in cooking, washing, laundry, vacuuming, mopping....as does my daughter. When I first asked him to help me vacuum and mop the floor he actually said "Ummi no boys I know do housework" (this was when he was Cool. My response was "Well this boy does because his ummi can't do everything, sister is too young to do it, this boy lives in this house too so he must chip in for the cleaning". Now he grumbles about shelling the prawns because he is a teenager not because he thinks its a girl's job  Roll Eyes There are moments when he lapsed and say things like "its a girl's job" but mom is a feminist so he usually retract those words very quickly.

Daughters are complicated, well at least mine is. She hates everything princessy, thinks pink is a horrid colour and in her own words "ummi i'd rather die than wear a hannah montana t-shirt (thank god cos I can't stand her whiny voice)". She has pms even though she hasnt started menstruating..and her mood swings is legendary in my house. There are moments where she is this lil burst of sunshine and chatters and is ever so helpful. There are moments where if looks could kill, we would all be lying dead. She is a mix of tough guy and sensitive lil girl. She is simple and complex all at the same time. And she is beautiful and I love her with all my heart.

I have 2 boys and a girl. But I dont see them like that..only in matters of aurah for eg no white thin t-shirts for my daughter and no bermudas for her too even if it is 3/4 cargoes. Other than that, they are PEOPLE. I respect each of them as the person that they are and the adult they can be...even my 5-year old who tells me "ummi when i grow up I want to be a taxi driver so I can bring you to many places". Each child is such a wonderful blessing from ALlah SWT and they each are a source of knowledge about MYSELF...that through them I came to know who I am. And for that, they each will always be special to me.

Wassalam
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« Reply #14 on: Sep 16, 2009 08:55 PM »

As-Salaamu` alaykum,
Interestingly, my mom had four boys before she had me, she literally bought gold & girls-clothing... without her even knowing what she was carrying Subha`Allah.

Thank God, that I didnt have to go thru that:)
Eid Mubarak insha`Allah.
W`s-salâm

"Do not treat people with contempt, nor walk insolently on the earth. Allah does not love the arrogant or the self-conceited boaster. Be modest in your bearing and subdue your voice, for the most unpleasant of voices is the braying of the ass." [The Holy Qur'an, Surah Luqman - 31:18-19]
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