Peace be upon you,
    Welcome to Madinat Al-Muslimeen, the City of the Muslims. Please feel free to visit the different hot spots around the Madina and post any discussion, articles, suggestions, comments, art, poetry, events, recipes, etc etc. Basically anything you would like to share with your sisters and brothers!! Non-muslims are also of course quite welcome to share their comments. If this is your first time here, you need to register with the city council. Once you register you have 15 days to post your mandatory introduction and then you will be upgraded to a Madina Citizen, God Willing. Please note that our city does have regulations which are listed in the city constitution. Read them carefully before moving in. P.S. - You can also post anonymously if you wish. P.S.S. - Also be sure to check out our ARCHIVES from 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 & 2007. :)

Random Quote: American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: closure...  (Read 2334 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
JustOne
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 17
JustOne has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 543


« on: Jun 01, 2009 12:42 AM »


my mom says that human beings should not seek "closure", because some things should remain unsaid, some mysteries should remain unsolved - and frankly because no one fully gets "closure" anyway.

for a long time i disagreed with her on this. but now, i'm double minded.  yesterday, as i rummaged through old emails, deleting the last traces of people i once knew, i came across some emails from different friends who are no longer a part of my life for whatever reason.

i wonder if i need closure? specifically ... 2 female friends of mine -- we had a falling out after a minor disagreement which blew up out of proportion (it was a question of loyalty - i sided with (what i saw as) the truth, and they sided with the concept of remaining loyal to a friend under ALL circumstances).  i have apologized before... but they never apologized back, and they never accepted the apology (in fact they both said, "i do not accept your apology").  i think it's been more than 3 years now since i spoke to them last.  a part of my heart died when i lost their friendship, and sometimes i miss them SO much.

what do you guys think on this matter.... philosophically speaking of course. and how does this tie in religiously?

jannah
Administrator
Hero Member
*****

Reputation Power: 277
jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!jannah is awe-inspiring mA!
Gender: Female
Posts: 7133


I heart the Madina


WWW
« Reply #1 on: Jun 01, 2009 03:20 AM »

ws,

I think closure would be to forget about them and move on. Re-opening old wounds and drama does not feel like closure to me??? Some parts of my past have definitely been left a mess, but I'm not about to email people I knew 10 years ago to bring it up again or contact people who hurt me in the past. I just want to learn from those mistakes and move on.

Islamically speaking, the ideal would be to always keep good relations with people and not do anything wrong to them but if you do, to ask them for forgiveness. Giving their forgiveness is up to them, if they refuse then you can't really do anything but I'm sure that sincerity and willingness would be taken into consideration later on with Allah. And sometimes people need time themselves to forget their own pain and hurts and grow in their own wisdom and inshaAllah at some future time they would have forgiven you.

It's probably a good idea to ask people to forgive us all throughout our life and especially when we leave them so that we can have a clear conscience and record.

Anyways interesting topic...
BrKhalid
Bro
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 27
BrKhalid barely matters :(BrKhalid barely matters :(
Gender: Male
Posts: 1352



« Reply #2 on: Jun 01, 2009 05:41 AM »

Asalaamu Alaikum  bro

There is an element to this that you can only do so much and if the other party is not open to listening what more can one do?

Perhaps the inclination to want to restore the old status quo is an indication in itself of who the the better party is?


Abu Ayyub Ansiri reported Allah's Messenger saw as saying:

It is not permissible for a Muslim to have estranged relations with his brother beyond three nights, the one turning one way and the other turning the other way when they meet; the better of the two is one who is the first to give a greeting.

[Muslim]

Say: "O ye my servants who believe! Fear your Lord, good is (the reward) for those who do good in this world. Spacious is God's earth! those who patiently persevere will truly receive a reward without measure!" [39:10]
Fozia
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 124
Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!
Gender: Female
Posts: 2659



« Reply #3 on: Jun 01, 2009 01:47 PM »

salam


That would make me sooooo sad.

The thing is you apologised, they refused to accept your apology, so as far as the matter is concerned the ball remains in their court. There's being humble and then there's being a doormat.
Possibly if you ever bump into them offer salaams and see what happens.

It is also possible, that these ladies have painted themselves into a corner and feel they cannot now contact you without losing face for being so daft!

If you really miss them tho, email them, ask them how they are, you're thinking of them etc, depends on how the friendship was.

I've got three very close friends who I would be utterly devastated to lose!


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
JustOne
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 17
JustOne has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 543


« Reply #4 on: Jun 01, 2009 10:13 PM »

Hmm..

That's the thing... I kind of agree with Jannah - but that has more to do with my aloof, non-confrontational personality, I think.  Plus I absolutely HATE drama - and every girl knows how much drama there is merely existing as a female on Earth.

It was hurtful for sure.  I have almost shut the feelings of those horrible 2 months of my life out.  I am very quick to blame myself for a lot of things, but no matter which angle I look at this issue from, I still don't think it was my fault.

If I weigh out the pros and cons -- I know I will never be close with either of them ever again, so maybe I have nothing to gain from contacting them again.  Just two days ago, a mutual friend of ours told me that one of them got married.  It saddens me to know that she didn't even bother to let me know (yes, I included them both in my wedding and baby announcements).

Anyway, more to the point... do you guys think there's such a thing as closure? Or does one just have to reconcile with personal guilt/resentment in order to reach that point?
Fozia
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 124
Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!Fozia is awe-inspiring mA!
Gender: Female
Posts: 2659



« Reply #5 on: Jun 01, 2009 10:22 PM »

salam



I think it depends entirely upon you.

If you can let these old friendships die without feeling hurt than put a lid on it and carry on, if you can't then you might need to pursue the closure thing.

But then I'm English we don't do closure, we sweep under carpets, and have stiff upper lips!

Having said that, I can imagine the deep hurt and betrayal I would feel if my close friends ever broke up friendship with me, I cannot imagine any scenario which would warrant going our different ways, we've shared such huge parts of our lives with one another, it would really scar me!

They don't sound worth the emotional energy imho.


But it depends on you, do you want to talk to them?

And how petty to leave you out of a wedding invite? It would have been a great way of mending bridges without the need for a huge heart to heart.



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
sofia
Sis
Full Member
*

Reputation Power: 8
sofia has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 106


Ya Muqallib Al-Quloob thabbit quloobana ala deenik


« Reply #6 on: Jun 01, 2009 11:05 PM »

As-salaamu alaykum,

Many of the others have already said it best, but you bring about some interesting definitions of it.

1. Closure to mend relations: not always possible, although I know most of us want this to happen.

Proof: Allah (swt) is the Ultimate Judge, right? He will make the final decision in many ways, which brings to mind that justice isn't always attained here.

2. Closure, as in peace of mind over "unfinished business"... Not sure about this one either, but any trouble, stress or sadness is a source of reward if dealt with patiently (you know the hadith about the prick of a thorn? Doh, will have to find it later, I shouldn't write when I'm in a rush).

Once you've tried your best to convey what you think was right, then that's really all you can do. They can reject it, and oftentimes, there's nothing we can about it. And maybe Allah takes certain people out of our lives (permanently or temporarily) for a reason. Allahu A'lim.


"My Lord! Increase me in knowledge." (Qur'aan 20.114)
"Our Lord! We believe, so forgive us, and have mercy on us, for You are the Best of all who show mercy!" (23:109)
"And hold fast, all together, by the rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves..."(3:10)
BrKhalid
Bro
Hero Member
*

Reputation Power: 27
BrKhalid barely matters :(BrKhalid barely matters :(
Gender: Male
Posts: 1352



« Reply #7 on: Jun 02, 2009 08:48 AM »

Asalaamu Alaikum  bro


Quote
Not sure about this one either, but any trouble, stress or sadness is a source of reward if dealt with patiently (you know the hadith about the prick of a thorn?




Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira:

The Prophet saw said,


"No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."


[Bukhari]

Say: "O ye my servants who believe! Fear your Lord, good is (the reward) for those who do good in this world. Spacious is God's earth! those who patiently persevere will truly receive a reward without measure!" [39:10]
syid
Bro
Jr. Member
*

Reputation Power: 0
syid has no influence :(
Gender: Male
Posts: 64


« Reply #8 on: Jun 02, 2009 01:52 PM »

As-Salaamu-Alaikum
giving advice on matters of the heart is a very difficult thing to do anytime ,but it is much harder when you do not know all of the circumstances. believe it or not closure for a human being is an emotional process and anything that deals with emotions and feelings deals with the heart. not to get into this topic to deeply I would like to just give my general opinion on this matter. us as human beings we always want to do things that is not in our control to do. dealing with the heart we tend not to think of what the Will of ALLAH may have been. He may have decided for you and your friends to separate because of a reason that is only in His Knowledge or He may have decided to bring yall back together at this time for a reason that's only in His Knowledge. getting closure as we (human beings)  know it can only come if it is the Decree of Allah. so my advice to you would be to perform salatul istikhara (prayer for seeking Allah's Guidance) and then do what is in your power to do. send a email or letter or postcard just to say hello nothing deep and let the Decree of Allah take over. this should give you the peace of mind in knowing that you  did what you could to regain relations. if you get a positive response then alhamdu lillah and if you don't then alhamdu lillah. (Allah Knows Best).

LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH:
IF IT'S NOT FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH IS IT EVEN WORTH DOING?
CountlessBlessings
Sis
Jr. Member
*

Reputation Power: 7
CountlessBlessings has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 94



« Reply #9 on: Jun 24, 2009 12:18 AM »

Assalamu alaikum,

I think there are things that you're never going to get closure on, no matter how much you'd like to.  JO I'm not sure what you mean by closure in this case though.  Do you mean reconciliation?  Do you mean a chance for everyone to give their side of the story?  Or do you mean their aknowledgement of the pain you went through?  

I've always thought closure was the final goodbye, and not necessarily a resolution to a situation or conflict.  In a case where say people were torn apart or stopped speaking and just never saw each other again, closure could mean one last chance to say: I'll never see you again but I want to know that we don't hate each other.  

The way things are now though, with almost everyone within reach by email or facebook, it's almost impossible for closure to happen.  They're right there.... you can almost touch them.  All it would take is one email, and people whom you would normally never see or hear from again are back in your life... How can you ever have closure with that possibility forever wide open?
UmmWafi
Sis
Full Member
*

Reputation Power: 12
UmmWafi has no influence :(
Gender: Female
Posts: 231



« Reply #10 on: Jun 24, 2009 02:33 PM »

 salaam

I have always believed that closure is within and not external. We can do all we want with another party but if we dont feel or accept that there is closure, then that issue will always be a thorn in our side.

To have closure, I believe, we need 3 very important ingredients. Taqwa, tawakkul and tawaddhu'. 1. Taqwa is essential because it helps us to negate the EGO from our contemplation of the issue. A sincere and honest contemplation will, inshallah, lead us to a wiser decision regarding the next course of action. 2. Tawakkul occurs when we have initiated all we could to effect that closure and we trust in Allah SWT to give us the best result our decision can bring us. 3. Tawaddhu' in accepting whatever consequence and result because the only way we can have closure is when we can have complete acceptance. We move forward with the humble realisation that we are but human, we err, we learn, we repent and we move forward tpwards Mardhatillah.

Hope I have helped somewhat.

Wassalam
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to: