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Christine_1208
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« on: Nov 11, 2009 10:55 PM »


Islam: Questions and Answers - Calling Non-Muslims to Islam, Volume 20 By Muhammad Saed Abdul-Rahman

There was a statement in this book that has me REALLY upset! It does not make sense to the things I have heard in regards to Islam. Infact, I have heard the opposite, can someone please advise me??

"There is no sin involved in a man's marrying a second wife. Allah has permitted a man to have up to four wives, if he is able to treat them fairly and give them all their rights. HE DOES NOT HAVE TO INFORM HIS FIRST WIFE OF HIS DESIRE TO MARRY A SECOND OR THAT HE HAS ALREADY DONE SO."

I thought the first wife had a say in this??? I was told the wife did have a say in it, from my fellow sisters when I asked about the 4 wife thing.

If I was married and my husband married behind my back, a few things would happen. 1. I would feel so hurt and decieved I could NEVER continue a marriage. 2. how could I trust someone who would keep something so important a secret. 3. I would kill him and her. (Sorry the more than one wife thing is a HUGE issue for me. In certain circumstances  I can understand it, and agree. That and I know it is hard to treat people equal and most men can't.) Just the whole, I don't have to tell you.... that scares me.

It hurts knowing the one you love is touching another.  If I was married and knew my husband was kissing and having sex with another woman, no way is he coming into my bed. I don't want the lingerings of another woman being brought into my bed.  Just because they are married does not make it any less painful for the other woman. How would a man feel if his wife was allowed more than one husband? Knowing she is being satisfied by another, I think most men would go CRAZY too.  Certain situations like I said, but most likely I could never accept it in my life. It would hurt me too much. When I love someone they are my everything, I would expect the same.

So if you guys can give some opinions on this. Makes me so scared to remarry, to know this could happen and I would not even know or have a say!  If it is this way, how can you trust? I already had a horrible experience in an Islamic marriage that lasted 7 months (never felt more alone in my life!).  I want a marriage for life not months!

I am so sorry, just with what has been happening in my life over the last couple months. I am sooooo terrified of marriage in Islam and being with a muslim man, I don't know what to do.  :'(  But the thought of staying single without a partner is sad too, I want to be married!!!  The only choice a woman has is to marry the muslim man. (May Allah forgive me for even thinking perhaps another man is better. It's just overwhelming fear from what I experienced, I know I can't judge them all by one man.) I will always obey Allah.  Even with my family seeing what happened to me forbidding me to marry a muslim and being with an arab ever again. It even affected them with their views and they already give me grief. (But Alhamdulillah this has actually improved greatly over the last few weeks!)

So any one who can help this from adding to an already major fear, concerning Muslim men and marriage, I would deeply appreciate some help. I don't want to view my brothers in the paint my ex has colored them. I do want to get married, and I know it has to be a muslim, I have no other choice without upsetting Allah and I would rather do anything than upset him.

Jazzaka Allahu Kheiran....

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« Reply #1 on: Nov 12, 2009 07:38 AM »

 bisms
        Dear sister ,
                     There's nothing true about what you have read . A man cannot marry behind his wife's back , he must absolutely get her consent . In no way does Islam allow this kind of behaviour ; Islam has nothing to do with cheating and betrayal . I really identify with you as far as this issue is concerned . Like you , I just can't imagine sharing my beloved husband with anthor woman , it would really hurt me . However , It must be said that the verse about polygamy is largely misunderstood by most men ; they tend to take just the first part and forget completely about the second. Allah said that men can marry more than one woman, but he puts a condition to that which is being fair and just.Mind you sister , the verse ends with deep meaningful words "wa lan taadilou  " that is , it's absolutey impossible for men to achieve the justice required , they can't and will not be able to be fair emtionally and materially to the two , three or four women they marry . I do personally believe that as things stand now in this world , there is no man on earth that can fulfil the condition required by Allah as far as polygamy is concerned.By the way , remarrying in islam is not a question of following one's desires, There are reasons that authorise a man to get married again . Among these I'll mention wives who suffer from long term illness and sterility . In both cases , a man must get the wife 's permission to remarry , and if she's not willing to stay with him , she can ask for divorce . purplehijabisis
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« Reply #2 on: Nov 12, 2009 09:46 AM »

salam

I'm not learned in these things.

I've heard conflicting requirements for plygyny, some say a man must seek the permission of his first wife, others say he doesn't have to.

However, the nature of marriage itself would make having a 'secret' additional spouse very difficult for any man, it's an islamic requirement that a marriage be anounced publicly hence we have a walima etc.

Also in the west, the requirement to treat each wife equally materially would not be met at all, as no country in the west allows bigamy in any shape or form, you're firstly breaking the law of the land in which you reside, which is not permissable in Islam, any subsequent wives and issue from these subsequent marriages are not legally recognised, so the subsequent wives are not equal in status legally in that country and that's not treating them equally.
The inheritance laws then kick in and only the legally recognised wife and children get anything in case of divorce or death.
Yes I'm sure many people could now argue but 'islamically a subsequent wife and children are recognised so they would inherit' maybe so, but a man who has already broken the laws of the land and therefore islamic laws probably won't be as devoutly adherent to islamic inheritance laws in the event of say an acrimonious divorce from a subsequent wife and if she and her children are not protected by the laws of the land in which they live then there's nothing there to protect her interests except for her husbands fear of Allah, and to be honest in my experience the desire for the dunya tends to eclipse everything else.

I'd like to see a man treat his one wife with the love, respect, and honour he is told to islamically, forget four!

If you're worried about a man sneaking around and re-marrying(!) Have it written in your marriage contract, that he must seek your permission or inform you before taking a subsequent wife and you reserve the right to divorce in the event his wishes cause you such anguish as to prevent you from being a wife to him.

I do agree completely with your sentiments by the way. Polygyny I've found is very cultural. As it's frowned upon in our society and a world away from the reality of my own world I can't imagine wanting to be in that situation myself.

However I do also agree that Islamically it is made very clear the terms on which one can take four wives, and I further agree with Sr Oumfirdaous, that it would be completely and utterly impossible for any man to treat two wives (forget four) completely equally, I can't even treat my girls equally and I love them to distraction!


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #3 on: Nov 12, 2009 09:19 PM »

wsalam,

sister if you are afraid your husband will take a second wife, find someone who is not into polygamy and put it in your contract. you can add a clause that if he wishes to take a second wife he will have to divorce you first. this is allowed in islamic law and your right if you wish to add it. it may not prevent him from doing so, but i think any person would think twice. alhamdulillah we have rights in islam and everyone can enter into the kind of marriage they wish to do so.
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« Reply #4 on: Nov 12, 2009 11:01 PM »

Thank you sisters. I went through all my things and research and it confirms what you  have said. I just needed to make sure.

Quote
sister if you are afraid your husband will take a second wife, find someone who is not into polygamy and put it in your contract.

I would and plan to if I can get over the fear of being married to a muslim. It has nothing to do with a second wife my fears, it was just something that added to it. My situation and what I experienced in my first Islamic marriage even though short, was enough to do some serious damage to me as a revert.

But thanks anyway, maybe I will start placing concerns in the marriage section, Because I don't want to be alone, but I need to fix this fear. Inshallah I have sisters and brothers to help.

I believe in Islam like the sun rising, not because I see it but because by it, I see everything else.
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« Reply #5 on: Nov 14, 2009 10:04 PM »

Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem

Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah.

Being a brother, I’m acutely aware of the need to proceed with caution and sensitivity. Nevertheless, matters should be placed in their proper places.

It is always precautionary to not issue blanket statements about what is dis/allowed in the Shar'iah. And this is a matter that has detail attached to it. Related and relevant issues concern the rights of husbands/wives, the obligations towards wives, responsibilities of husbands, in/valid contracts versus sufficient/deficient contracts, limiting conditions and stipulations. To say it is never allowed, is to reveal a lack of proper grounding in fiqh. Anyone’s research who leads them to conclude it has no basis, ever, regardless, has undertaken research that lacks due diligence. And as a sidenote, nobody should assume the web alone is a sufficient tool to base far-reaching conclusions concerning fiqh, from.

I'm afraid sometimes a matter may be hard to grasp, but which has a basis in fiqh, and sometimes that same matter is exploited by ignorance, wilful deceit, or even blatant disregard. Additionally, that something is allowed, does not mean it is encouraged, much less obligatory, it could even be disliked. One is a statement of fact, the other is a statement of circumstance. Moreover, allowance of a thing doesn’t necessarily mean it is without condition (though it might be). Nor does it mean that such allowance is agreed upon (though it might be). My point is, fiqh is only black and white to those who look at it from the outside in.

So, if we were to parse the broadest possible scenarios, we could say, regarding a man taking a second wife without notifying the first:

- It is every husband’s right - wrong
- It is no husband’s right – wrong
- It is every wife’s right to object – wrong
- It is no wife’s right to object - wrong

None of the above scenarios, which embrace the extreme ends of the spectrum, account for all possible variations of scenarios that husbands/wives could be faced with in life. And we have a rich and varied history of scholarship, dealing with a plethora of marital circumstances, that have needed answers in fiqh. When one immerses oneself in the Sacred Law, one starts to see the absolutely massive volume of what western jurisprudence would class as case law. And one realizes that often it is our tiny window of experience which precludes us from imagining other circumstances under which that which seems reprehensible, vile and morally questionable, could actually be warranted. This is often harder when the issue in question is something that affects us personally. Or when the mater is something we’ve already made our minds up about before studying what the Deen has to say about it.

The proper way to proceed is not to seek out comfort-fiqh, but try to understand what the circumstances are which govern the various scenarios in which a particular course of action may be taken. For such comprehension will not only reassure you, but should empower you too concerning a course of action that may be hard for you to accept but which nonetheless may be permitted. How we are governs our interaction with the Shar'iah, and sometimes it is we who need to change ourselves. I have found this in my own life when I came across things in the Shar'iah which seemed unfair to me, but which, upon sitting with righteous Ulema, I eventually realised had a wisdom attached to them which had been veiled from me due to the attitude with which I approached the matter. For there is an adab [etiquette] one has with the Shar'iah, an adab which is a key that allows veils to be lifted.

It does not help when there are brothers who casually abuse Shar’iah provisions to further their own ends and obfuscate their real motives. Fortunately, there are far more brothers that talk the talk than walk the walk in this regard. As one of the ‘arifin said, we live in times where just maintaining one’s salat is enough to attain wilayah. Meaning, these are days when it is hard enough to just aspire to the basics of the Deen. So, again, and I appreciate I don’t talk on behalf of all brothers, but most that I know who are (ostensibly) God-fearing and God-conscious, are more concerned about drawing close to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala in earnest, than worrying about second wives. It is enough of a challenge making a first marriage work in these times we find ourselves in, and raising righteous households, that most would balk at the idea of taking on the responsibility of a second wife. And I have found that those who talk about second wives in terms of it being their right, tend to be the ones who don’t treat their first wives right. Whereas those, and they are few I have come across, who talk in terms of a second wife being a responsibility (as opposed to a right), are the one’s who don’t forsake their responsibilities to their first wives.

Suffice to say, this is a sensitive issue, and some of the preceding replies are not in accordance with what our fiqh actually says. There is scholarly difference of opinion on some of the above, which then returns to the principle our teachers - may Allah ta'ala elevate them all - invoke, that unless consensus exists on a matter of fiqh, censure of it is prohibited. Meaning, if it is established as a valid opinion, yet you follow a different opinion, you are not permitted to censure the view which is different to yours, given that no consensus exists on one single opinion being right.

Perhaps the more practical point here is that if one isn't able to accept another (valid) opinion, then one should find a spouse who either agrees with oneself in their view regarding how polygynous marriages may be entered into (or not, as the case may be), and examine oneself deeply within, lest they are emplacing their own value-judgements ahead of the Shar’iah.

Sister Jannah’s advice – Allah ta’ala bless her – is good advice, but it is imperative that you ensure upfront it is mutually agreed, articulated explicitly, and most importantly, understood in unison, because it too could be subject to different understandings if both spouses understand the fiqh differently. Hence transparency, communication and openness are essential.

Unfortunately this is one of those trigger issues which can elicit emotive responses, and understandably so, given some of the tragic cases out there, which really cause tremendous grief and trauma. But, just as spouses have responsibilities towards one another, we each have a responsibility towards the Shar’iah. Which is to not speak about a matter without due qualification and authority, lest we misrepresent what the stance of the Shar’iah is.

Incidentally, I totally get that it is easier for me, as a brother, to be more blasé about such a matter (I hope I haven’t been, astaghfirullah). May Allah ta’ala forgive me for any unintended insensitivity.

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« Reply #6 on: Nov 16, 2009 11:19 AM »

Jazakallah khair br abukhaled for gracing us with your eloquence. as mentioned in madina chat you need to visit the board more than once in ten years!!!  oldshaykh

I can't add much to the above, but I do have to say that if a woman is marrying someone, whether she be Muslim or non-Muslim, there should be some trust involved between a married couple and agreement about what their goals/views are on various subjects. Brothers who wish to practice polygamy are usually very upfront about it. Find someone who agrees with your ideas and concerns.
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« Reply #7 on: Nov 16, 2009 01:32 PM »

To The Jenfather,

Jazakallah khair br abukhaled for gracing us with your eloquence. as mentioned in madina chat you need to visit the board more than once in ten years!!!  oldshaykh

Wa iyyaki for your kind words, how's twice in two days then? That's over my quota. Anyway, people come out to see comets streaking past precisely because they come by so rarely!

That said, your technical prowess and wizardry never fails to amaze me. How you managed to get that emoticon of yourself so perfect is fantastic! I love that. The attention to detail, that handlebar moustache, it's great. So talented, masha'Allah...

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« Reply #8 on: Nov 16, 2009 02:36 PM »

 salaam Sis Christine

If a man embraces the teachings of Islam fully and in its totality, then that would make him not only a Muslim but a mu'min too. I don't really know your full story but I sense your pain and fear. It is regrettable that you have developed a fear of marrying a Muslim man because essentially, marrying a Muslim man would be an ideal state of being. The one difficulty is in distinguishing which men are Muslim by admission and which are Muslim by belief. Here, I use the word belief to mean that they not only say the shahadah and state Islam in their ID but strive to follow the laws and the sunnah of our beloved Prophet  saw in everything that they do, especially in the manner they conduct their marriage and their treatment of their wife.

Please do not equate living with an Arab man with living with a good Muslim man because they may be totally unrelated. An Arab man is only a good Muslim based on how he conducts his life. A man is not a good Muslim just because he is Arab. I have been so fortunate to meet wonderful Muslims of different races and nationalities.

I pray that Allah  swt eases your grief and fear and may He choose for you a Mu'min for your next companion.

Wassalam
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« Reply #9 on: Nov 16, 2009 02:54 PM »


Just because something is allowed it doesn't mean this:
 sis  hijabisis  bro  purplehijabisis  niqabisis
is going to happen.
Someone will have to agree to marry your husband knowing he is already married and his first wife isn't happy about the next. How likely do you think that will be?
Most men who marry seconds do so because their first wife finds someone for them. Real Muslim Men don't make friends with women, so they need there first wife to go looking. So if you don't want him to have a second, don't find him one.
Polygamy isn't an Islamic issue:
http://onemansblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/polygamists.jpg
It is Hallal in EVERY religion.
We are the only ones to limit it to 4. Christians, Jews, Hindus and Buddhists who practice it marry very large amounts.
Yes it is true that most Christians, Jews and Hindus etc don't practice it, but most Muslims don't practice it either!

I don't think you should fear it. Because it is very rare, and for a man to marry a second after you make him promise he wont in the marriage contract borders non-existent.
So I don't think you should fear a future husband might choose polygamy, instead see it as something you can choose to join if you can't find a suitable single man.
http://www.engagements.ca/images/polygamy.gif
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« Reply #10 on: Nov 16, 2009 10:46 PM »

Jazzaka Allahu Kheiran for all the responses.

Quote
The one difficulty is in distinguishing which men are Muslim by admission and which are Muslim by belief.


I agree sis, I have learned just because you pray and fast and spend all the time at the masjid, it does not mean you are a good muslim. This was the downfall, I saw this and assumed. Next time I plan on using all my resources. I spoke about my fears to my Imam, he is helping me with guidence and with getting my ex out of the situation. He has divorced me but not left my house yet, he lingers and tries to manipulate me.

The Imam helped alot. Apparently my ex told him he married me for the greencard and I had made a deal with him   Shocked  If only you would have seen my face! He said Christine wanted to be a good muslima and help a good muslim in his situation, and we prayed Allah would send us love. Anyway, it does not need to all be put out there but it does give just a touch of my fears and concerns. But the advice I have read has helped and leaning on my community for support has also helped me. I do take marriage very seriously. Inshallah this will all pass soon.

I believe in Islam like the sun rising, not because I see it but because by it, I see everything else.
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« Reply #11 on: Nov 25, 2009 12:17 PM »

Only a man's wife can know whether a man is a good husband.
So when you ask a man's friends or sister or mother, they will tell you he will be a great husband, because he has been a good friend, brother or son to them. But just because some one is a good friend, brother son, doesn't make him a good husband.
And if you ask a man's ex-wife about him, they will probably tell you he was a bad husband whether they believe he was good or bad! And if they tell you he was good, they are probably lying because they wouldn't have divorced him if he was so good.
when a man is looking for a second and his first wife tells you he will make a great husband I think you can believe her, because she knows from experince that he is a good husband. But if a man has 3 and is looking for a forth, and all three wives tell you what a great husband he is, then you will know for certain he is really good at being a husband, and being his wife will be really good even if it does mean sharing.
I believe the only people who should be scared of polygamy are bad man. Because if all the good ones end up with four, there will be no one left for the bad.
 niqabisis hijabisis  pinkhijabisisthobebro        flowersis                                 shaykh   oldshaykh   fez
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« Reply #12 on: Nov 27, 2009 04:32 PM »

Quote
So when you ask a man's friends or sister or mother, they will tell you he will be a great husband, because he has been a good friend, brother or son to them. But just because some one is a good friend, brother son, doesn't make him a good husband.

Very true, but the more than one wife thing is not for me, 100% I know my personality I could never do it, even if it meant that I would have to remain single for the rest of my life. So I have to go by the friend, sister and mother.

I believe in Islam like the sun rising, not because I see it but because by it, I see everything else.
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« Reply #13 on: Nov 27, 2009 05:25 PM »

That is a good response. You didn't attack it and you were realistic about it.
The thing that will improve your chances most other than a bunch of Kaffir men converting to Islam there by changing the ratio is if a bunch of Muslim men become polygamist. I can explain best using smilies.
Let's say women are in a slight majority.
 sis hijabisis pinkhijabisis princesssis purplehijabisis niqabisis shaykha flowersis
And this one is you: sis
If each man has one lady, someone might be left behind.   flowersis fez    shaykha desibro    niqabisis sudanibro    purplehijabisis arabbro    princesssis malaybro    pinkhijabisis arabbeardbro       hijabisis bro
And that person might be you  sis
But if somemen marry more than one:
 flowersis bro shaykha    niqabisis arabbeardbro purplehijabisis    malaybro princesssis     pinkhijabisis arabbro    sudanibro hijabisis    desibro sis  
No sister is left behind including those who insist on not sharing.  But if it is too common brothers might get left behind  fez
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« Reply #14 on: Nov 27, 2009 07:12 PM »

LOL... Love the smiley example.

I agree.. I don't attack it, just I know myself, in that situation I would not be a good muslima.. not at all. The jealously alone would get me enough bad deeds to send me to a very tropical location!  Even if he was fair to us.. he is still sleeping with another woman, and I can't get past that visual.  Intamacy to me is very sacred and special.  For the sister that can accept this May Allah bless them and reward them.

I know I may be alone.. but I leave that to Allah. Just need the bro's to go do some serious Dawah and convert some men .... lol

I believe in Islam like the sun rising, not because I see it but because by it, I see everything else.
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« Reply #15 on: Dec 01, 2009 09:15 AM »

Salaams,


Just because something is allowed it doesn't mean this:
 sis  hijabisis  bro  purplehijabisis  niqabisis
is going to happen.

Hahaha... niiice Smiley

BTW, in Hanafi/Deobandi Maslak, I've confirmed that one doesn't have to ask first wife's permission. That said, and as others have rightly pointed out, its not a black and white thing, and its near to impossible for us mere mortals to treat the two wives equally, let alone 4.

Hooris, keep waiting... i'm coming inshaAllah! (hope I didn't scare them shadyguy )

The knight doesn't wait when he's ill or has cancer brother, the knight fights on... He finds a strategy, changes tactics, and hits hard.
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« Reply #16 on: Dec 01, 2009 07:45 PM »

Brother it isn't impossible or near impossible.
That is just an argument used by People who want to change Islam to suit the west use to say the Polygamy is not really Hallal.

Equality isn't something impossible.
What people do not understand is the Quran came for mere mortals, and Allah doesn't ask of us what is impossible.
It is possible to divide nights equally. If a man has three wives, what is so difficult about giving each two nights of the week and the wives giving the man the seventh night to rest?
If the man buys presents, what is so difficult about multiplying them by three?

You do know that in Islam we have to treat our children equally too?
And that the Prophet pbh refused to be a witness to the fact a man had made a gift to his son because that man hadn't made similar gifts to his other children?
But why doesn't any one claim that Islam has a one child policy because equality is impossible?
But I wont be surprised if the government scholars in China come out with something like that?

There is a need for men to take more than one wife now, because they don't many women are growing old single, and others are leaving Islam because the only alternative is a kaffir man.
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« Reply #17 on: Dec 01, 2009 09:16 PM »

salam

Just out of curiosity doninapond, are you married, how many wives does your husband have?



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #18 on: Dec 01, 2009 09:32 PM »

I am married.
Just out of curiosity fozia,
Are you married and do you want to turn our two in to a three?
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« Reply #19 on: Dec 01, 2009 10:24 PM »

I think it is nearly impossible when you look at affording 2 or 4 houses; 2 or 4 cars, food bills; medical coverage. Either way in the west the second wife is at a disadvantage and could never be equal. This is because of state law. The first wife would have the pension, the health insurance and medical decisions, the taxes. You can't claim more than one wife. Therefore the status of one wife is higher than the other. The USA system is not set up to handle this.

To each his own though, for me it has nothing to do with cars and houses and money. For me it has to do with the physical and emotional. I know myself enough to say, I don't think I could ever handle that. I would be up 2 nights out of the week wondering.. He better not be doing to her what he just did to me, or what if he prefers her more. What if he is using our "special" touching and kissing on her. I would then go nuts and try to sabotage her. Not nice.. and not Islam. So best for my deen to avoid the situation. If I married and my husband wanted another wife. Alhamdulillah just release me and go be with her, I would want his happiness.

Everyone says to think of the sister, think of the wife who has to kiss her husband after he kissed someone else.  I don't know of many brothers that would be cool if the wife could have 4 husbands, knowing his wife is making love with another, most would KILL someone. One common thread is we are all human with feelings.

again.. just my opinion. Islam is perfect.. I am not.

I believe in Islam like the sun rising, not because I see it but because by it, I see everything else.
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« Reply #20 on: Dec 01, 2009 11:23 PM »

"I think it is nearly impossible when you look at affording 2 or 4 houses; 2 or 4 cars, food bills; medical coverage. "

I'd say the opposite is the case. 2-4 houses are what it takes to look after 2-4 single people, one big house that can accommodate 2-4 master bedrooms costs a lot less. The same goes for cars compared to one big car and food bills. 2-4 small bags of food costs much more than one large bag that can feed 3-5.
Medical coverage is free in most countries, America is a bit dodgy in this field, but isn't medical treatment hard to obtain there for everyone?  


"Either way in the west the second wife is at a disadvantage and could never be equal."

I'd say it is and advantage in the west!
Back home there is an extended and community spirit to help with childcare and house work.
Co wives is the best we can hope for here!

"This is because of state law. The first wife would have the pension, the health insurance and medical decisions, the taxes. You can't claim more than one wife. Therefore the status of one wife is higher than the other. The USA system is not set up to handle this."

That is another area where America is different.
A lot of Kaffir countries (UK, Australia etc) where polygamy is ordinarily illegal recognise it if carried in a country where it is legal, for things like welfare benefits. There is a Bangladeshi man my family knows, and he got two council houses next to each other for his two wives!

"I don't know of many brothers that would be cool if the wife could have 4 husbands, knowing his wife is making love with another, most would KILL someone. "

Muslim Brothers wont like it but polyandry does take places in some places like, Nepal, northern India and parts of China/Tibet. And the most common form is fraternal polyandry, where brothers share one wife. This takes place because they still kill their baby girls there.

As I mentioned before, if enough brothers were polygamous, there would be enough brothers left over for for other sisters not to share.

Anyway, it is up to you whether you want it or not. I just wanted to say that it is not all bad. Try and imagine the good side too. Companionship and friendship while the husband is at work.
Help with the cooking, cleaning and housework. Help with childcare if you want to work.
I really can't see a bad side as long as the man is man enough to fulfil multiple women, some men can't, but some of them aren't man enough to fulfil one. sis pinkhijabisis thobebro niqabisis shaykha                    Shocked
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« Reply #21 on: Dec 02, 2009 09:38 AM »

salam

I am divorced.

And thank you for the offer Sr Doninapond, however I do not think I could be an adequate sister wife to you.


I am content with the bounties of Allah subhana wa tala. I do not wish to ever be reliant on the kindness and mercy of anyone other than my creator.



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #22 on: Dec 03, 2009 08:42 AM »

Marrying behind his wife's back or marrying with her knowledge.whats the difference....its going to hurt anyways...infact the former be better because ignorance is bliss!! well jokes apart the issue of four marriages has bothered me too. I am married and I am an Indian and here a man marrying more than one wife is not take well...so even though permitted even Muslim men hesitate to take more than one wife...besides the economical situation here is so bad that its difficult for a man to even run one family well!! And there lies the point i.e equal treatment to all the wives no matter what, and no mater how rich a man is it is almost impossible for a person to give equal treatment to all his wives. Financially he may do so, but physically and emotionally, and time wise.....we are going to need a superman!! And that is the condition that Allah has set....and which is impossible to achieve for most.  And a man uderstads the condition of equal treatment will not think of marrying second.  Islam actually limited the number of wives to four at a time when men used to have enless wives. And it did not limit it to one because polygamy becomes a necessity in many situations e.g war or in places of gay excess. Even today the world average sex ratio says that there are more number of women than the men in the world.
Now as far as dealing with such a situation personally goes then talk to your prospective husband before marriage. Even verbal promises made before marriage will not be broken by a man if he has any worth as a Muslim. If he breaks then Allah will take care of him. If he does so and u land up in this undesirable situation then remember that this life is very short and all the pain emotional, physical, financial is a test for you and if you face it patiently you will get the reward in the hereafter. 
Besides in all the cultures where polygamy is well accepted I dont think all the woman are an unhappy lot. Even if your husband has another wife or three other for that matter your life still belongs to you and u can use it productively for the benefits of the hereafter.
And since our prophet also had many wives and all of  them were marvellous ladies in Islam and they lived their lives happily in  this setting, it does not look so difficult.
And as i said in the beginning it will be painful to have your husbands second wife( because the character of our men cannot be equated with that of our prophet) when we think of the hereafter, and all the rest of things that we can do with our lives, and the happiness that children give,the situation still looks undesirable, it does not look unbearable
And at last pray to Allah to not put u through a test that would be so difficult for u to bear.
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« Reply #23 on: Dec 03, 2009 09:11 PM »

"Marrying behind his wife's back or marrying with her knowledge.whats the difference"
It isn't the same. It is a very serious Muhruh in three of the fore mudhabs.


"besides the economical situation here is so bad that its difficult for a man to even run one family well!! "

I'd say that's why you need more polygamy there. Because of the bad economic situation some men can't afford to mentain a single family. If there was polygamy, women would not have to marry them, up to four women could share one rich man instead.




"And there lies the point i.e equal treatment to all the wives no matter what,"

Again, I don't know why people keep mentioning this. What is so difficult about the maths?
Look:
One man, two women.
 sis thobebro niqabisis
Monday sis
Tuesday niqabisis
Wednesday: sis
Thursday: niqabisis
Friday: sis
Saturday: niqabisis
Sunday: thobebro His day of rest, this is why he doesn't need to be superman.
Was it so hard to work out?




"And that is the condition that Allah has set....and which is impossible to achieve for most."
Allah doesn't set impossible conditions for what Allah has made Halal.
That would mean our religion contradicts itself. Our religion does not contradict itself.
Polygamy is Halal in every book of Allah. But the people who followed previous books, made it Harram for themselves and became Kaffir. If we make Harram what Allah made Hallal, we would be no different to the Jews and Christians. And when we die, we would go to the same place as the Jews and Christians.
When I debate with Jews and Christians I like using polygamy as an example. Why? Because they like criticizing Muslims for it. I ask them is it allowed in their religion. They say no. I say, But all the Prophets pbut in your holy books who married had more than one wife. They don't know what to say, because they know it is true. Then I say, who made it Harram, they say their priests and Rabbis. I say, you know your Allah made it Hallal and your priests and Rabbis made it Harram, that means you are a disbeliever in your own religion and you know it, you don't worship Allah you worship your priests and Rabbis, while Muslims Worship only Allah because we do what Allah tells us and refuse to do what he told us not to do.

Now if a Muslim makes Harram what Allah made Hallal, how is he different to a Jew and a Christian?



"Even verbal promises made before marriage will not be broken by a man"

Allah gave you the right to a marriage contract, so use it. Humans lie, and humans forget. your husband may be a nice man at the time of marriage but people change, and you don't know how they will change.
So if something is really important to you, so much so that you would not want to be married without it, place it on the contract.
But remember, it has to be reasonable. too many women put such unreasonable demands on their contract that no one wants to marry them.
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« Reply #24 on: Dec 03, 2009 09:36 PM »

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