// Is marriage ever easy:)
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lala marcy
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« on: Dec 09, 2009 09:05 PM »


Salaam,
So I'm posting for a friend. Or rather, just to hear what you all have to say. Some of you who are married, got married young. Some of you had rather short courtships..or long ones right. And some of you probably got pregnant/kids right away and some of you waited.

For those of you who got married rather fast, had kids fast- what kind of problems did you have early on? One can imagine plenty? (my two cents- as I have nothing to base this on as I'm still single). Then again, you may not have had any problems- and if you did not- why do you think so?

I'm asking because a friends' brother and sister in law are having a whole truckload of problems and they have this lovely baby girl in the middle of it all. They have only been married for a year and a half and good gosh...!

Just curious.

Much love
me
jannah
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« Reply #1 on: Dec 10, 2009 06:18 AM »

ws,

I haven't seen a single marriage without problems. They don't exist! Every marriage is going to have problems. But the happy couples that I know are the one's where BOTH early on made an effort to try to fix their major problems.. ie they went to counseling, they had major breakthroughs, they somehow learned to compromise and work together. And what I notice about these couples is that they both (again both) have at some time or other made some serious compromises/sacrifices in order to make the other happy. Also, the first year is the hardest is what I always hear!!

Hmmm *wonders why Ms. lala is contemplating the marriage state Wink
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« Reply #2 on: Dec 10, 2009 02:28 PM »

Assalamo elikuim

Quote
Is marriage ever easy:)
Ha Ha Smiley not in any culture, religion, society - sorry couldnt resist (have been married for 16 1/2 years....)

I agree with Sr.Jannah. There is no marriage without any troubles,difficuilties etc. and both spouses have to work on it and compromise and look at the bigger picture.(there is no balance sheet that if I give up this, my spouse should give up that - everything is not mathematical, you have to think of how what you are giving up is going to effect your home or is it worth to hang on to something at the cost of breaking the home- life is not fair Smiley but we look for our reward from Allah swt and in turn Allah swt put Rahma/love in our spouse too Smiley ) Both should be sincere in making it work at all cost (ofcourse there are exception if either party is a abuser(beating etc), or break of trust( "you break my trust , I break your head " Smiley )).
And first 2-3 years are the toughest for both since its difficuilt to adjust to living with other person( families). Its not like any indian movie where the heroin changes 10 clothes in a day and the guy is bringing flowers everyday and the kids are always smiling with no stinky diapers Smiley.
Sorry no worthy advice Smiley May be someone knowledgeable can shed light on it.
Wasalam
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« Reply #3 on: Dec 10, 2009 03:12 PM »

salaam

The first three years are the hardest. There is no marriage problem that cannot be solved if they both want and try to get it solved.

I would suggest a professional counselor because they help you understand and communicate with one another since have studied how to. Their are certain counselors that have helped couples solves sixteen years of problems and have helped solve the toughest problems.
One just needs the willpower and dedication to the marriage and of course the right counselor. I would suggest they both read about other couples problems in the net and solutions to a healthy marriage ect ect.

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« Reply #4 on: Dec 14, 2009 01:39 AM »

Salaams,

Thanks all for your responses. Jannah!! No reason that I'm posting other than to see what others have to say. Trust me there are no suitors at the moment. Smiley So it is.

I guess marriage isnt ever easy. Can you ever live with a total stranger and get along perfectly..I guess not. My parents still argue or rather my mom still argues with my dad but somehow they still want to stay together..haha. Good thing though. I dont know but it all seems so scary now.

peace
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« Reply #5 on: Dec 14, 2009 02:56 PM »

I dont know but it all seems so scary now.
peace

For sure... especially when some of these "so-called" religious guys end up beating their wives, taking second wives or forcing their wives to do things against their will in the name of "being head of the household". It's very sad. And many start out being good too so how do you even know...
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« Reply #6 on: Dec 14, 2009 06:25 PM »

My first Marriage was 10 yrs long and I married at 20. Everything was great till that honeymoon phase wore off. I started having problems after our first child was born about 3-4 years into the marriage. We worked at it and things got better but by the 9th year, it went down hill with infidelity and finances and we parted.

You can never make the marriage work if one spouse is not willing to put in the effort. Every marriage has it's issues. My mother told me once.. Pick your battles and sometimes you have to CHOOSE to love that person, otherwise it is too ease to walk away.

I have a few friends who married a second time and they are all happy and content.. not perfect but not content.

Hopefully your friends can meet half way and make it work Smiley

I believe in Islam like the sun rising, not because I see it but because by it, I see everything else.
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« Reply #7 on: Dec 15, 2009 06:46 AM »

Asalaamu Alaikum  bro


Quote
Is marriage ever easy?


Hmm, I thought you were asking a rhetorical question.  Wink



But seriously, there is an element here where it is incumbent on both spouses to *improve* and *better* themselves once they have entered into the marriage state.


It doesn’t matter how ‘religious’ you were before you got married, the desire to draw closer to your Lord should always be there.


Marriage is *easier* if both spouses share such an outlook.

Say: "O ye my servants who believe! Fear your Lord, good is (the reward) for those who do good in this world. Spacious is God's earth! those who patiently persevere will truly receive a reward without measure!" [39:10]
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« Reply #8 on: Dec 15, 2009 07:49 AM »

Far as my experience goes the first year is really tough!!!! If the mess gets cleared in the first couple of years or maybe 3 at the most then thats it........otherwise its one or both adjusting unhappily for the rest of the life just for the sake keeping the marriage.......kids are helpful......somehow the sacrifice and giving up becomes easiers and justified to the ego when there are kids.
Your friends still have time!!!
And cliched I may sound the woman in any relationship is much more equipped naturally to adjust and make it work.....by no means am i saying that the woman should take all that comes her way and adjust....but that she is more capable of that than the man........
And OBEYING YOUR HUSBAND!!!! I have had my own issues there!! I had married at 21!! And my EGO that used to be the better of me at that time REFUSED to oblige.........after whole lot of problems when I finally tamed the mess maker (the dear nurtured ego) and my husband did that too we started to lead at first a bearable life and gradually the kind of life that anybody would envy. Now three years into marriage we can easily claim to be the happiest couple on earth!!! ALHAMDULILLAH!!!
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« Reply #9 on: Dec 16, 2009 04:55 PM »

You know what. Initially BrKhalid, It was a rhetorical question- because duh, marriage isnt easy. Common sense right? But people probably go into it with denial of that point:)

Quote
And OBEYING YOUR HUSBAND!!!! 


What does obeying mean really? The couple I posted about seems to have this particular problem as well. For example: Wife leaves house with kid. Wife didnt call husband to tell him she's doing this. Husband had previously told her not to do this for whatever reason- let's assume it was valid.

I may have slightly simplified the situation above.. But you get the idea.  What else does obey mean? It seems like such a harsh word doesnt it? The brother of the husband (my friend) told me that she should listen to her husband. That women today (from Morocco) he's speaking of, have this whole woman independance, freedom thing  - and These women seem to overdo their interpretation of independence/equality as it pertains to marriage and how one should be when married. In no way was he saying that a woman should jump off a cliff because her husband said to do that...But part of me was not really understanding. Perhaps 'Obeying' is subjective and not cut and dry and depends on the two peoples' wants/needs/desires blah blah blah. Thoughts?

Smiley
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« Reply #10 on: Dec 16, 2009 08:34 PM »

salam


I didn't think I could contribute anything to this thread, however this obeying thing has changed my mind.

My personal unlearned point of view is this.

Men, some of them at any rate, take the 'men are a degree higher...' (or however it's worded) and run off with it, they take it to mean that they are to be treated with the greatest of reverence(!) and as a result make (imho) the most ridiculous demands on their spouse, the husbands reasoning being, 'because it is written therefore I jolly well can....' . Don't mistake me I'm not using the couple you are speaking of as an example here as I clearly do not know them or their situation.

I have a friend she's wonderful, terrific, quite possibly the most fantastic person I have ever had the privilege to know, I consider her to be the better half of my soul.
When she first got married, her husband demanded, that she be at the door with a glass of water when he came home.... he also expected her to be the first one up and the last one to sleep....because you know, she was at home all day, and did nothing else, and he is a degree higher then her and he deserved the respect and such show of love and reverence, regardless of her state, he expected this to continue throughout pregnancies etc (I'd have been tempted to meet him at the the door with a meat cleaver personally, but hey ho).

He's actually stopped the madness now, but it took amazing perseverance form my friend, and to be honest she said each time he made such demands, her heart lost a bit of love for him, she was so starry eyed and in love with him when they first married, she would have crossed the earth bare feet over hot coals for him...... it's really his loss and his doing tho.

The obeying thing, goes both ways, you know that hadith where Aisha (ra) said that if we knew our husbands rights we would wipe the dust from his feet with our face (or some such). I actually do know the worth of a loving and caring husband, and would more than gladly do just that purely out of love, but my (mythical) husband would first have to fulfill his rights to me to inspire such love and devotion.

Btw, marriage doesn't always have to be difficult at all, I have another friend, who has never ever argued with her husband mashallah, because he cares about her feelings when he makes decisions subhanallah, the two times they argued in a over a decade; once was when he gave her driving lessons (don't ever agree to such a thing from your spouse, if you value your marriage), and the second time was over Sami Yusuf, friends husband is friends with him and she doesn't agree with his use of music in nasheeds (they've agreed to disagree about it).


What makes a good marriage? I think treating one another as you want to be treated, accepting eachothers foibles, allowing leeway for differences in temperament, and agreeing on similar paths to reach the same destination.



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #11 on: Dec 17, 2009 12:01 AM »

ws,

I haven't seen a single marriage without problems. They don't exist! Every marriage is going to have problems. But the happy couples that I know are the one's where BOTH early on made an effort to try to fix their major problems.. ie they went to counseling, they had major breakthroughs, they somehow learned to compromise and work together. And what I notice about these couples is that they both (again both) have at some time or other made some serious compromises/sacrifices in order to make the other happy. Also, the first year is the hardest is what I always hear!!

Hmmm *wonders why Ms. lala is contemplating the marriage state Wink


Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, people have problems in marriage no matter how long they have been married. Ive got friends who have been married since 21 and they are the happiest you can imagine, so i don't see any correlation between a long and short term marriage. A marriage is what you make it i guess. I would suggest that all marriages use the '3 C's model for a successful marriage coined by myself:

Corperation
Committment
comprimise

If all these three are visible in the marriage then the marriage should be fine as long as the marriage is high on these three perspectives. Aswell as making sure thre are prayers and Qur'an recited in the house so as to bring peace and blessings in ones home and that animate pictures are taken off the walls, units and cupboards so as to invite angels in ones home. Taleem(Learning) from reliable Islamic books should also be done on a daily basis even if its a small part each day. Sit the family down and read a small part of the book on any topic. Trust me this will bring peace and blessings into ones home. Keeo the remembrance of Allah in your homes and I guarantee that there will be much peace and blessings in the house inshallah.

May Allah give us long lasting and successful and happy marriages.
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« Reply #12 on: Dec 17, 2009 09:14 AM »

I had a short courtship, and a baby before my first anniversary - tough digs.

Honestly, what helped our marriage was that big ugly "E" word - EFFORT.  Believe it or not, marriage can be the hardest thing IF you're not working on it everyday. It needs a daily, weekly, monthly injection of effort from both parties. 

I think everyone should pick their battles in marriage - contrary to the advice I received, don't try to establish your opinions on everything within the first year. People change, plans change, decisions change....

I've noticed that its always a better mix for the husband (if he's the breadwinner) to be a big spender and the wife to be a big saver - less problems.  Also, for the husband to be more social (not the haram kind of social), and the wife to be more homely - less problems... just an observation...many couples could use this perspective.

keep it casual - intense, dramatic relationships can really cause heartache - and life has its own ways of creating drama... reserve your energy for when you may need it.   and when for the times you have drama...establish pre-planned rules of how you may go towards resolution - ESPECIALLY if its a joint family situation.

as a side note: don't fake suicide - i know two girls who did this, and one husband sent his wife to counselling - she now feels like she has no say in the marriage. the other one, her husband kicked her out after 2 and a half years - sent her to her parents' and said he can't handle it.

read quran together, pray in jamaa, play games- scrabble, pool, pictionary, go for daily walks, make sure to eat at least one meal together everyday....breakfast, dinner, whatever.  inexpensive,   non-tv activities are the best way to keep a balance.

its not easy - here's to hoping someday it will be.
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« Reply #13 on: Dec 17, 2009 02:44 PM »



Is LIFE Ever Easy?


    Huh?


thobebro
   UBAB

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« Reply #14 on: Dec 17, 2009 05:48 PM »


 Is marriage ever easy ? To obtain a beneficial marriage , you must understand the reason for marrying. The Prophet(saw) tells the man and the woman who they should marry to have a foundation for a successful marriage.

  Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things,( i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion). So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers. (Bukhari book 62 hadith 27)

Prophet (saw) said: whenever a person you’re satisfied with his character and faith approaches you for marriage accept him (At-Tirmidhi) 

when most of us marry it is for material, emotional or personal reasons which none of these were  recommended by the Prophet (saw). We forget that marriage is a contract between a man and a woman as a means to an end.  Surat 51:56 translated by Mohsin Khan states:
          And I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Alone).
 
Everything we do, every decision or choice we make should be in trying to fulfil this obligation. This is why the man is told to marry the religious woman and the woman is told to accept the man who character and faith you are satisfied with .This type of person will help you fulfil your goal. People get caught up in those other reasons like is he/she attractive, what is his/her family status, do he/she have money or a worldly education (side note: when it says we must seek knowledge its mainly  pertaining to religious knowledge) , will I be his only wife, do I love him/her. But this is not the way of the Believer, his/her concern is will this person help me get closer to Allah or take me away from Allah. That is why none of these reasons were recommended by the Prophet (saw) to be considered when marrying. Surat 30:21 translated by Mohsin Khan states:
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.
What is this repose, it is a state of rest, tranquility, a place of peacefulness. A man should be able to come to his wife and find that type of feeling in times of troubles, pressures , joy.
What is said about affection
Nu'man b. Bashir reported Allah's Messenger (saw) as saying: The similitude of believers in regard to mutual love, affection, fellow-feeling is that of one body; when any limb of it aches, the whole body aches, because of sleeplessness and fever. (Muslim Book 032 hadith 6258)

when your spouse (he/she) is hurting mentally or physically how can anything else be more important.
What about mercy
Narrated Abu Huraira: I heard Allah's Apostle saying, Allah divided mercy into one-hundred parts and He kept its ninety-nine parts with Him and sent down its one part on the earth, and because of that, its one single part, His creations are Merciful to each other, so that even the mare lifts up its hoofs away from its baby animal, lest it should trample on it." (Bukhari Book 73 hadith 29)
At times of disagreements how can you not be merciful and give in even if you are right in non-religious matters don’t you want Allah to be Merciful to you when your wrong?. How can you get the full benefit from your marriage if you do not choose your spouse according to what is recommended. If you marry for reasons other than character, faith or religion, then how do you expect to get the rewards of repose, affection and mercy out of your marriage. Dear brothers and sisters we must take a look at who recommendation we are following is it the recommendation of the Prophet (saw) or is it the recommendation of so called society. Lets marry for the right reason and know that we all are accountable for what we do or do not do in our marriage .Remember your marriage is a trial for you and with every trial there is benefit either in this life or the Hereafter. May Allah guide us all.
(Allah knows best)



LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH:
IF IT'S NOT FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH IS IT EVEN WORTH DOING?
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« Reply #15 on: Dec 18, 2009 02:06 PM »

I am only in month 4 of being married alhamdulillah... when things feel tough I try to remember that if marriage is half our faith, why on earth would Allah swt make it easy?  Cheesy

I read an article on Imam Suhaib Webb's blog which had a line that said something like "talk talk or someone will walk" ... and I'd agree with that.  Nothing gets solved if you don't / can't talk to each other
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« Reply #16 on: Dec 21, 2009 11:11 AM »

You know what. Initially BrKhalid, It was a rhetorical question- because duh, marriage isnt easy. Common sense right? But people probably go into it with denial of that point:)

Quote
And OBEYING YOUR HUSBAND!!!! 


What does obeying mean really? The couple I posted about seems to have this particular problem as well. For example: Wife leaves house with kid. Wife didnt call husband to tell him she's doing this. Husband had previously told her not to do this for whatever reason- let's assume it was valid.

I may have slightly simplified the situation above.. But you get the idea.  What else does obey mean? It seems like such a harsh word doesnt it? The brother of the husband (my friend) told me that she should listen to her husband. That women today (from Morocco) he's speaking of, have this whole woman independance, freedom thing  - and These women seem to overdo their interpretation of independence/equality as it pertains to marriage and how one should be when married. In no way was he saying that a woman should jump off a cliff because her husband said to do that...But part of me was not really understanding. Perhaps 'Obeying' is subjective and not cut and dry and depends on the two peoples' wants/needs/desires blah blah blah. Thoughts?

Smiley


salaam,
read this one late.
Well obeying means carrying out what your husband wishes and not challenge his authority........if her husband does want her to leave house without informing him(for what ever reasons)  then she should not..because if she does so it spells out 2 things 1) the husband will feel that she has no care for his wish and 2) the husband will feel that she does not find him worth listining to or heeding to........ Neither of these is going to send a good message..........
secondly obeying means not to do something that the wife knows is going to displease the husband...........
And for women this is agreat test...the more independent,, the more intelligent, educated the woman the greater is the difficulty of the test!!
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« Reply #17 on: Dec 21, 2009 02:22 PM »

I think it really depends on the guy, how he was brought up and how he sees marriage. Some men are very traditional and expect that the household will revolve around them. They bring home the halal turkey bacon and the wife raises the kids. This is their world view. They don't expect the wife to have any ambitions outside of this and they expect her to follow his wishes in all aspects. Other guys who were maybe brought up in a different type of household/culture see marriage differently and see the concept of marriage differently. When the two ppl's concept of marriage, ideas about compromising, communication align then the marriage is great. If not... clashes.
 
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« Reply #18 on: Dec 21, 2009 02:36 PM »

yeah sr. Jannah right.....all reasoning and logic aside .MARRIAGE IS  A BIG GAMBLE...........period
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