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Author Topic: Help with husband's looking at bad sites?  (Read 3010 times)
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Anonymous
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« on: Jan 02, 2010 03:54 AM »


Salaams, I have been married for several months and alhamdulillah have been so happy mashallah.  I thank Allah swt for blessing me with my wonderful husband.

However, yesterday, whilst I was searching for something online on the computer I noticed a website.  I was curious what it was and clicked on it only to find out that it was a porn site.

As far as I know this is the first time he's done this during our marriage and it really upset me as I don't feel that we have any problems between us.  My first instinct is to ignore this, make a hundred excuses and leave it...but if I see anything again talk to him about it.

I wonder if perhaps he is unhappy with me, or not attracted to me?

What would you do?

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doninapond
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« Reply #1 on: Jan 02, 2010 04:35 AM »

It happens.
Don't feel bad, make more excuses.

I've got a good idea. Find stuff written by Muslims against porn, leave it in the history for him to find by mistake. That way you will tell him what Islam says on this issue with out causing an argument.
jannah
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« Reply #2 on: Jan 02, 2010 10:10 PM »

I dunno... I feel like you should confront him and ask him about it. He might say oh it was a mistake it opened up by accident. Can happen all the time. Also could be a virus that takes over your computer. Sometimes they open sites like that. Then I would check every so often to see if other sites have been opened. Then I'd confront him again and make him go get help and also install a blocker.
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« Reply #3 on: Jan 06, 2010 12:05 AM »

I'd also confront but in a nice way.
1) Calm down, get rid of your feelings of inadequacy.
2) Have a real nice light munchy finger foods type dinner waiting for him one evening
and dress real sexy for him, have candles lit and snuggle reasl close and let him know
if he needs to look at something,  you have everything he needs to look at. Embarrassed Shocked
I'm not trying to be crass, just trying to help you with your strategy.  purplehijabisis

PS: The light munchy finger foods type dinner is cause romance is better when one doesn't have a full belly. Embarrassed
doninapond
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« Reply #4 on: Jan 06, 2010 11:20 AM »

Just one site?
Did it cross your mind that he might have clicked on it by accident
Or he might have clicked on a false link that he assumed was something else?
Or it might have been a result of spam?

Do you mean to tell me that you have never got an email, pretending to be news or a sales offer and when you clicked it you ended up in a porn site?
If that is the case please tell me what spam filter you use, because I need it.
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« Reply #5 on: Jan 06, 2010 01:21 PM »

salam

I've never clicked on a spam site, I never ever open emails from people I don't know, if I get emails from friends saying 'hey look at this...' or some such with no further explanations I delete the email assuming they've got a virus.

I'd run a virus check on the computer if husband is wont to opening any and every link he comes across.

And put up family filters on the search sites and on your anti virus programme, also block all pop ups.



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #6 on: Jan 07, 2010 07:44 AM »

I have to admit I have unfortunately clicked on something not knowing it was porn
before  Embarrassed Shocked Sad
I think I also clicked it off in 1/2 a second flat  Cheesy
It could of been an accident.
But my idea I believe is a good way to find out.
He'll either be embarrassed it was an accident and you'll
both have a good laugh at the mistake
o0r he'll be embarrassed you found out and not do it anymore.
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« Reply #7 on: Jan 07, 2010 03:05 PM »

I'd also confront but in a nice way.
1) Calm down, get rid of your feelings of inadequacy.
2) Have a real nice light munchy finger foods type dinner waiting for him one evening
and dress real sexy for him, have candles lit and snuggle reasl close and let him know
if he needs to look at something,  you have everything he needs to look at. Embarrassed Shocked
I'm not trying to be crass, just trying to help you with your strategy.  purplehijabisis

PS: The light munchy finger foods type dinner is cause romance is better when one doesn't have a full belly. Embarrassed

Blessedgrandma your ideas are so cute...and why are you using the embarrassed smiley?  I think it's good for muslim women to share such ideas, after all it's all part of the fun of marriage and your husband's companionship no?

And doninapond, I liked your first suggestion of leaving something in the internet history, a good way to avoid an argument. 

It's a serious issue though and ultimately there may be no other way but to talk to your husband about it sister anonymous.  Not in a confrontational style, but in a calm manner try to discuss it, and deal with it together.  And also be aware that many muslim men are addicted to pornography and this is an addiction just like any other and has to be tackled as such. 

Spam filters may no longer be enough with the internet accessible so easily on devices like the iphone and blackberrys  Huh?


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« Reply #8 on: Jan 07, 2010 09:27 PM »

This is a good article with tips: http://muslimmatters.org/2007/08/19/pornogrpahy-addiction-among-muslims-stories-tips/ and another http://makkah.wordpress.com/2007/02/14/pornography-part-1-disturbing-statistics-for-muslim-countries/

Also if he is addicted you can buy books like this which would help:

or for you:




But he may need professional help. I've read pornography rewires the brain!!!
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« Reply #9 on: Jan 14, 2010 06:41 PM »


as salaamu alaykum,

Here is a thread with some nice advice/links on the same topic from a different forum:
http://growmama.com/forum/showthread.php?t=482
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« Reply #10 on: Feb 10, 2010 03:28 PM »


It appears he can have filet mignon at home but he prefers to cruise on the internet to look at convenience store hot dogs.

 thobebro
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« Reply #11 on: Feb 11, 2010 05:16 AM »


It appears he can have filet mignon at home but he prefers to cruise on the internet to look at convenience store hot dogs.

 thobebro
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lol, funniest thing i have read in a long time!
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« Reply #12 on: Feb 11, 2010 05:43 PM »

LOL!!! I agree.. I almost died laughing when I read that.. nice one!!

I hope you don't mind Brother, but I plan to use that line!!!

I believe in Islam like the sun rising, not because I see it but because by it, I see everything else.
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« Reply #13 on: Feb 12, 2010 04:01 AM »

salaam

LOL Bro

I think you should not mention anything.but do somthing.. Putting in that family filter and blocking up pop ups is a good idea as Fozia suggested
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« Reply #14 on: Feb 12, 2010 06:05 PM »

Okay ... Humour to serious...

This is a brother's solution / advice to his newly married sister...

Take Preventative Measures...

1.) Add the Filter
2.) Have only one computer
3.) Have computer in common location - Family Room / Kitchen
4.) Have monitor / screen facing the center / centre of room
5.) Place keystroke monitoring software on the computer
6.) Do more things together so your not on the computer..
7.) Keep him busy with a Honeydew list (Honey do this, Honey do that..)

Reactive Measure (Use only if you are sure)

**IF**  you see this again

1.) Confort him - show him the evidence
2.) Show the most extreme displeasure (do your worst) you know to him so that his brain makes the connections between his behaviour and this reaction
3.) Tell him you want a divorce and that you will tell his closest female relatives sister/mother/aunt AND the Imam the reason why you want the divorce

4.) If he repents sincerely, forgive him - if he denies it - it's a window of things to come in the future

You have to hit this issue HARD and FAST (imagine it's like bugs entering your very clean home for the first time) ...because once he's not satisfied with this anymore he WILL move on to other things..(bugs spreading / laying eggs)

May Allah (swt) protect your marriage from evil things and may you have a wonderful, joyful and happy life, inshallah.

 thobebro
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