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« on: Jan 22, 2010 06:56 AM »


salaam to all
I have a big problem for which i need some advice and some duas. I have a 2.5 year old boy. he is very smart and charming and all that that a child is to a mothers eye.......how ever i cant keep my patience with him. as a child i was never hit by my parents and despite my trying very hard to keep the same with my child i cant manage it. I tend to lose my temper in a second and hit him..........i am working very hard in the past few days to control it but nothing seems to work............please give some advice to stop my hitting behaviour.........also remember me in my dua.........and please tell me any dua to recite to keep overall patience..........


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« Reply #1 on: Jan 22, 2010 09:32 AM »

salam

If he starts acting up, put him in a room where he can cause no damage and leave him there till you both cool down (five minutes max, not days OK).

Why do you think you get so worked up about him playing up? Things change around the house with a young child, you have to accept a bit of chaos.

Do you have support of your husband and family in disciplining your child? Is everything else OK at home, or are you stressed out about something else? That can very easily make one short tempered.

Is your son receiving mental and physical stimulation, if he's cooped up in the house all day he's going to eventually get bored and wreak a bit of havoc, start him at nursery for a few hours a week or soemthing so you both get a break from eachother?

 


To pray try;

La hawla wala quwata illa billa hil ali il azeem; There is no strength nor power except Allah




Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #2 on: Jan 22, 2010 05:59 PM »

Assalam alaikom sister

I understand your frustration. I have been a single mother raising 2 children for 3 years. I don't count my brief 6 month marriage from March-Sept, because my husband never came home. My children are 5 and 8. So from ages 2 and 5, I have been on my own even financially.

I understand your frustration 100%. Along with childcare and taking care of everything else I also had to work 40+ hours a week. Infact I still do this. At times I lose my temper very easy with my children. I am tired from working all day to cook dinner and have them refuse to eat because they don't like what I decided to make. Or my daughter plays dress up and I am struggling figure out the budget to pay the bills and she wants me to help her. I have only about 2 or 3 hours a day with my children when they are in school because of my work schedule. Also I see them only 4 days a week due to custody. I hate that within that time I get angry. I yell, sometimes I have given them a swat on the butt, nothing hard, but my anger boils. I feel so bad they just miss me and my anger and frustration gets the best of me at times. I don't like the fact that I regret at times having children and think.. OMG please don't let the next man I marry want children. Unfortunately the man that I am considering has never been married and does want at lease one child. I don't want the "no children" thought to be the reason to turn down a great Muslim, that the Imam has recommended, but I have even been so frustrated. I have even mentioned to my friends who are married.. DON' T HAVE KIDS if you want to be happy. I feel horrible when I think this way, but I am human and it happens. I am honest here. I know at times I am NOT a good mother in my thoughts.

Here is what I have done and how it has helped over the last few months.

1. WUDU (As soon as I get angry I go do wudu)
2. I put myself in time-out or walk away
3. I force myself to think that I might be scaring the one person in this world that loves me the most!
4. I have even just stopped and have done 2 raakats of prayer. It really helps. Once I did this when upset and my son prayed with me. Allah is amazing!
5. Each night I write in a journal about what is bothering me with real solutions, so I am not taking something out on the kids
6. Ask for help. If I can have someone help lessen a task I ask. My grandmother who watches them while I work helps with their homework, and sometimes feeds them. This way I have more time when I get home with them instead of being overwhelmed, and that is when anger comes.
7. Play Surah Al- Baqarah in your house ever 2- 3 days
8. I initiate more play with my children when I am calm and not burdened. This way I am doing it when I am calm giving them the attention they need. Instead of them searching me out when I have a million things going on.
9. Become better at managing time. Do only what you have to each day. Don't over do it.
10. they are children they have RIGHTS to, Read about their rights

I hope these help. Like I said.. I have been there with the anger and frustration. Now I do enjoy them alot more!! Even the thought of more.. not so bad... Maybe Tongue

I believe in Islam like the sun rising, not because I see it but because by it, I see everything else.
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« Reply #3 on: Jan 24, 2010 08:33 AM »

as salaamu alaykum,

Ahhh, I can completely relate about losing your temper, but my outlet is usually yelling a bit, and then feeling extremely guilty about it Sad  My son is only 17 months old, but there are times when I find it hard to keep my patience, like when he just. won't. go. to. sleep. at night and I am exhausted, or when he starts SHOUTING at the top of his lungs and won't stop (I think he's just trying out his vocal cords - sometimes he yells so loud he scares himself lol).  It seems comical when you think about later, but at the moment I know it can be quite frustrating.  Usually it's when I'm stressed about a number of other things or am trying to get a lot of things done in a short amount of time.  I think it's natural, everyone needs a break from 24-hour parent duty, but unfortunately depending on a person's circumstances they may not get that opportunity as often as they should.  

There have been some really good tips mentioned mashaAllah!

One thing I've tried to do is set short-term goals, like I will tell myself in the morning "All day today I will make a conscious effort to be extra gentle/kind/attentive to my son", that way it seems like a less daunting task than saying, "I will never do it again!"  

Also, I really stop and force myself to think - this is my son, MY SON, he was/is part of me. I  remember when I was expecting - all the duaas, hopes and dreams I had for my baby, and Allah blessed me with a healthy child.  He is a ni'mah [blessing] that I need to be thankful for and treat accordingly.... I also try to remember that my baby only has one mother in this world.  Think about it: when you are small you look to your mother for everything- to dress you, clean you, nourish you, comfort you, care for you... you are basically your child's whole world.  They are completely innocent, ghayr mukallaf, and completely dependent on you.  When I think about it like that I am immediately humbled and feel like I really need to fulfill this role that I've been granted properly.

Another thing is that if there are times when your child is 'misbehaving' or 'acting out', it could be because they're trying to get your attention, or because they have a lot of pent up energy.  If they are cooped up in the house all day everyday, it can be quite stifling for a child (and adults too).  It might be a nice idea to try to bring your child out to the park to let out his energy, or go for walks, bring him to play with other children, etc.  Also at two and a half he's probably transitioning from just playing on his own with simple toys to needing more stimulating activities, like finger-painting, coloring, etc, so if you're not already doing those types of things with him it may be a good time to start!

Finally, everyone needs a break sometimes, if you have family or friends who are willing to help you, even an hour to yourself really can help refresh and re-energize you.  It might be nice to start a tradition of father-son quality time on specific days where momma gets a much needed break Smiley

One last thing - I am sure you are a wonderful mother.  Just keep trying your best.  Try to change those patterns that have led it to become a habit to hit, and in the heat of the moment try everything you can to cool down before acting out.

May Allah make things easy for you and all of us on this challenging, edifying, amazing yet frightening path known as motherhood!

 bebzi's to all the mommas in the house Smiley

wasalaam,
7

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« Reply #4 on: Jan 24, 2010 10:58 AM »

salaam,

this is off topic, but Sr. Christine: though I don't know the particulars, it's actually quite nice to hear that you're considering a brother who has not been married before/with no children. I am saying this because I feel that, unfortunately, in general in our community, we have still not gotten past certain cultural issues/baggage, especially with matters related to marriage.  It is for this reason that I'm sure many brothers would hesitate to consider marrying a sister who has been previously married, with children.  Not from the Islamic perspective, mind you - since this is something the Prophet saw himself did - but from cultural issues or 'what the people will say' etc.

Anyway, I'm glad to see that there are some enlightened single brothers out there alhamdulillah!  May Allah guide you to the best decision with regards to your marriage and family, Ameen.

salaam,
7
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« Reply #5 on: Jan 24, 2010 12:02 PM »

i think the lack of sleep does it for me... i have a 12 month old... and i haven't ever hit her, but have come very close - usually at night if she isn't sleeping or if i've been tying to get her to nap at a decent hour...

i think on those days when we're reaching our boiling points ... we need to distract ourselves.... call in some help, or what works well with me is to exit the environment - i go for a walk (with my baby) ... take her to the mall .... or go to a friend's home ... something easy.  if my husband's home, i ask him to take over for half an hour (which sometimes is equally as annoying, because for some reason he lets her cry or scream at will - which doesn't give me the mental break i'm looking for)...

i think boys are more challenging as far as discipline is concerned -- i don't have one ... but they are naturally prone physical activity. my baby can talk on a fake phone for hours - i've never seen my nephew doing that. so they need to be occupied with physical activity and replenished with food - that's the only solution. 

also... having your OWN time is really important. my husband is gone 12-14 hours a day on weekdays - and on weekends he's either busy or simply too tired (i say that with love and affection, even though i may sound slightly peeved  Smiley )... so I'm at home alone in a country where i'm reeeeally homebound - can't drive, can't even do groceries alone, unless i want to lug them onto and off of a bus with a toddler in arms... so to keep my sanity, i really have to make an effort. i leave my husband and baby alone for 30 minutes every morning at a time when the birds are still sleeping just so i can take a walk and enjoy a perfectly solitary moment. it may not seem that much, but those 45 minutes are so precious - that they allow me to actually get the day started.

so maybe some simple changes in your daily routine may affect his (and your) behavior positively, which may provide you with the sanity you're craving?
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« Reply #6 on: Jan 25, 2010 09:49 AM »

salam


I think perhaps I'm very laid back in my approach to life in general, and children in particular.

I don't remember my parents ever telling me they loved me or showing me physical affection (or eachother either come to think of it!), thats not to say I wasn't loved or am not by my parents, it's just the way they are, I think they must have been bought up like that....


So my parenting technique consists of hugging my girls and kissing them and cuddling them and telling them I love them a million times a day, some times when they're playing they'll say 'I love you mummy' for no reason, they say it to eachother all the time too...

We're very touchy feely and huggy.

To be honest as I work, I'm exhausted a lot of the time too, I let my girls get on with it, if they're causing chaos, they know they are the ones who will clear it up, I'm not their unpaid maid! They know mummy gets tired and they enjoy helping around the house, I tend not to go crazy at the absence of perfection. We clear away clean laundry together, I hang up clothes they help sort the clothes into theirs and mine and they put away the socks and underwear, and they hang up their clothes, everyone clears away their own dishes after eating (I wash up obviously, but they bring their dishes into the kitchen), they help eachother get dressed...

My girls are older than your little boy, and I have girls, but I started them helping around the house as soon as they could understand, so a two year old can carry unbreakable cutlery to the kitchen when everyone is done eating, he can put dirty laundry in the laundry basket, or carry one or two articles of clothing to the machine (because he will want to help you it's fun for kids).

Also once every couple of weeks we have duvet days, on this day we don't do anything, we stay in our pyjamas all day, and watch dvd's and sing nasheeds (at the top of our lungs possibly very badly, luckily my neighbour is deaf), we dance, we bake, we play tents in the living room (this consists of dragging all the bedding off the beds and draping them across the living room chairs and lying under sheets with the dolls), we have tea parties out of the dolls teaset, we stay in bed for ages playing and giggling and talking and cuddling. We have mad breakfasts with ice cream (only in summer), and hash browns and toast covered in nuttela and grapes and strawberries, we eat fishfingers and chips for lunch. I cook in the morning  and then we spend the day playing.
On these days if you visit me, the house is covered in toys and you'll be treated to insane food. But my girls love these days and look forward to it.

It took me a very long time to conceive, I didn't have my girls easily, and I still remember very well the agony of being childless, I could never ever wish away my girls, my world would not be so sweet without them. This is not a judgement on anyone else, just my own views and feelings.

I adore my girls and I still vividly remember the first time I held my eldest in my arms for the first time. I intend to enjoy my girls childhood, as they grow so fast, I feel like I've missed so much of them already, I want to make wonderfull, happy memories for them and with them, so when they're older and my house is empty I'll be able to sit in the echoes of my children's laughter from a long time ago.


If it were possible I'd have a house load of kids....


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #7 on: Jan 25, 2010 07:19 PM »


Quote
Also once every couple of weeks we have duvet days, on this day we don't do anything, we stay in our pyjamas all day, and watch dvd's and sing nasheeds (at the top of our lungs possibly very badly, luckily my neighbour is deaf), we dance, we bake, we play tents in the living room (this consists of dragging all the bedding off the beds and draping them across the living room chairs and lying under sheets with the dolls), we have tea parties out of the dolls teaset, we stay in bed for ages playing and giggling and talking and cuddling. We have mad breakfasts with ice cream (only in summer), and hash browns and toast covered in nuttela and grapes and strawberries, we eat fishfingers and chips for lunch. I cook in the morning  and then we spend the day playing.
On these days if you visit me, the house is covered in toys and you'll be treated to insane food. But my girls love these days and look forward to it.

Fozia I want to come to your house to play! Smiley
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« Reply #8 on: Jan 26, 2010 09:36 AM »

salam

You're more than welcome to Sr Se7en,  you might find your son decdes that that is the norm tho and your bedclothes will never be on the beds ever again Cheesy

I guess my point in my earlier post, is try and enjoy your baby, before you know it they'll be grown up and doing their own thing.

If you're tired out take your baby to bed and order take out, the housework will still be there later...

Go for walks with your baby it's fun exploring, once during possibly a very traumatic period in my life, I decided I had enough and packed my girls up and we went to the british museum, my girls loved it, I had fun looking at the displays and my girls had fun finding monsters.... apparently the british museum harbours many!!!! My girls still remember this and talk about it, altho the outing was some four years ago.....

If it is just plain exhaustion getting you down tho, hand your son over to family members and sleep for the day!


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #9 on: Jan 30, 2010 04:17 AM »


Frustrated?

July 16, 2009 | 7 comments

Did you ever get frustrated, angry and started shouting at your kids? I used to do so, sometimes, followed by a feeling of tremendous guilt. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to direct this energy. I tried many techniques to calm down, sometimes it worked and sometimes not.

Then I heard a lecture by Sheikh Sudais [Imam of the Holy Mosque in Mecca], where he told mothers to watch what they say to their kids when they get angry. He mentioned a story about a little boy whose mom used to say to him when she became angry with him, “May ALLAH make you an Imam!” and she kept saying this duaa until the anger and frustration faded away!!

He continued the story and said “Here I am, mom, the Imam of the Holy Mosque!!”

This lecture affected me too much, and I remembered the following hadith, “Narrated Abu Hurayrah: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Three supplications are answered, there being no doubt about them; that of a father, that of a traveler and that of one who has been wronged. (Book #8, Hadith #1531)”.

Now I know how to get rid of this negative energy: making duaa…a lot of duaa.

“Leena sweetie, please it’s the last line, may Allah guide you to the straight path and give me the patience to deal with you and your brother and sisters habibti. Ameen…ameen

Eman Sayad

Eman Sayed lives in Cairo, Egypt, with her four children and is interested in religious studies, parenting, and health

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