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Author Topic: Problems being a 2nd wife?  (Read 3269 times)
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Anonymous
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« on: Jan 22, 2010 07:02 AM »


Assalah aleikum.am married almost 13 years as a second wife.my husband works in middle east,so he comes back to us after 1 year and stays for a month during his annual leave.During his stay,he spends a day at my place n the next day at the other wife.but the problem is he spends most of his time chewing qaat with friends.he has no quality time with the kids.as for my kids,he does not take them to his mother n sisters for visits.They have been discriminated since there mum is a 2nd wife.it seems the 1st wife does not want me to be part of my husband's family.am confused.How can i be in this marriage,if family ties between the two of us doesn't exist?up to now,my mother in law has not met my mother.is it fair really?does this man respect me?plz give me advice.

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« Reply #1 on: Jan 22, 2010 09:22 AM »

salam


Do you think it's fair or reasonable to be treated the way you are?

Just to clarify, you see him for fifteen nights a  year (I'm assuming he spends the day with his friends chewing qaat (whatever that may be).
And He hasn't introduced you or your children to his family.

 

I'm assuming he has a wonderful personality, is drop dead gorgeous and a fabulous provider, only because you've accepted this situation for 13 years, and have had children with this man........

How on earth do you think you're going to make him chnge after seemingly having accepted the deal for over a decade?



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #2 on: Jan 22, 2010 06:14 PM »

Assalam alaikom sis,

I agree with Fozia. It has to be hard once you have accepted this for 13 years. Only 15 days out of the year, I know very few who accept this for one year, yet alone 13.

If you haven't met his family 13 years why have you not said something? What else does he keep secret? How many wives does he have?  I assume he has one where he spends his 11 months out of the year in the middle east. It has to be hard for a man to be celibate that long when he knows well the touch of a woman, being he has two wives in one month. Unless just like you he does not introduce her.

Something just does not sound right to me. But only you can accept this or not. Try talking to him. Have you thought of moving to the middle east to be with him? So he can work and not visit only one month a year?

Allahu Alam.

I believe in Islam like the sun rising, not because I see it but because by it, I see everything else.
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« Reply #3 on: Jan 23, 2010 08:04 AM »


knowing what it mean chewing qaat? this is the point where all your problems are gathered .I Know people addicted to this habit spend lot of time in one place even if this happens in your place without his friends .

The problem is there is no enough time according to his character and agenda  to do other things .that is why he feels not guilty of your complains

People of this kind condsider the first main thing for spending good vacation in that country where this habit is comon is chewing qaat, and not even putting any other schedule during their stay there.

This means you have a very contradicting point of view in  what life mean to you .So never excpect any change to the way you wish things be as long as this habbit is existing in his life

I dont think your location as a second wife is the problem as i can guess the first wife is also sharing you most of his bad side for the same reason

who ever marries this man would face the same.












 
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« Reply #4 on: Jan 23, 2010 03:50 PM »

Ah....  So what IS qaat?   Huh?
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« Reply #5 on: Jan 24, 2010 07:37 AM »

as salaamu alaykum,

guys I think the sister was hoping for some encouragement and advice to look at things optimistically, not for people to make her feel worse about the situation! Undecided  I'm sure she understands all the negatives and challenges that come with it already...
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« Reply #6 on: Jan 24, 2010 11:12 AM »

as salaamu alaykum,

guys I think the sister was hoping for some encouragement and advice to look at things optimistically, not for people to make her feel worse about the situation! Undecided  I'm sure she understands all the negatives and challenges that come with it already...

Yes but sometimes encouragement is like a pain killer ..It is good to face the fact
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« Reply #7 on: Jan 24, 2010 11:21 AM »

as salaamu alaykum,

Sorry for the abruptness of my last post, just didn't have the time to write out everything I was thinking.  Basically, I was trying to say that this type of marriage is the reality for many men and women living in the subcontinent.  I am sure it is not the ideal, for anyone involved, but it is the only way some have to carve out a family life, a home, education for their children, etc. so I don't think it's fair really to judge.

To the anonymous sister:  I feel like you should read Sr. Um Aboodi's wonderful advice in this thread. She is talking about a completely different topic, but the general principle of what she said remains for your situation as well:  You need to work with what you have (even if it's not the ideal situation).

There's one advice I always remember my mom giving me.  My parents' relationship has not always been smooth sailing, but my mom always made the point to do things for herself and for her children, without waiting for anybody else. And she's always told me, don't worry about other people and what they're supposed to be doing for you- if something is important to you you need to seek it out.  Try to take the initiative yourself.  Why wait for your husband?  I don't mean any offense, but he is obviously only actively involved in the family for a few days each year.  Is it really worth it to complain or argue with him during that short amount of time?

You are the one who is there, day in and day out, so why not do what *you* need to do for your kids? For example, why don't you try to strengthen your relationship with your husband's family yourself?  You can even wait until a time when your husband is not there, then how about calling your MIL and arranging to visit her once a month?  Or inviting her to your home to see the kids?  That way a relationship will slowly be solidified, even without your husband's presence.

You are obviously a very strong woman to be able to take care of your family the way you've been doing, so I would say take it a step further, Allahu a'lam.

just my two cents,

salaam,
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« Reply #8 on: Jan 24, 2010 04:16 PM »

Wa alaikum as salaam, sister if I may let me use your situation to help all those sisters who are considering  being a second ,third or fourth wife then I would comment on your situation. The  problem is not because you are a second wife lets get that completely clear you could still have these problems if you were a first wife or a only wife. I believe these types of  problems are because of a lack of communication from the very beginning. In any relationship there are establish rules some are stated and some are not stated. These “not stated  rules “ are things that happen during the course of the relationship and you do not speak on them. Therefore over the course of time they in turn become rules to one person or to both. Prior to getting married a couple have to know the rules and understand them and also have to have a plan to deal with the situations that occur throughout the relationship. Let me say “women and men do not always marry for the same reasons”. When considering marriage its best to know your reasons for getting married and the other persons reasons. This communication is vital to having a beneficial and rewarding marriage. If you do not understand the purpose of your marriage or your position in it, it can be a stressful situation for all concerned..In commenting on your situation sister, remember I am only using the information you have put in your post for my comments therefore forgive me if my opinion is inaccurate because of insufficient information. I would like to commend you on your patience and your dedication to your husband and your children for the last 13 years (alhamdullah) and insha-Allah you will be together forever. Since I do not know your husband concerns on this matter I only can speak on the things that seems to be  in your power.
1-    When your husband comes home it is obvious that he enjoys whatever this “chewing qaat”  thing is unfortunately I have no idea what it is but maybe you can plan things for you and him to do alone and then with you and the children around other things he enjoy doing. In some relationships when children are involved the spouses forget to take quality time for each other.
2- On the not taking the children to his relatives is it possible for you in those other 11 months to take them to his family. This way his relatives can build a bond with you and your children.
3- If what you feel about the 1st wife is true (may Allah guide her if it is) what do that have to do with you,  you still can make all the efforts you can  in a respectful manner towards your husbands family than leave it to Allah. Reaching out to family is a honorable thing in Islam.
4- And your mother-in-law not meeting your mother have you made an effort at getting them together. maybe you can invite his parents and your parents over for dinner together with him or without him.
5-And  most men who respect themselves would not take care of, marry and  have children with a woman they do not respect. So do not start doubting your self value.

 Not knowing the exact situation but if this was the way it was from the beginning of the marriage to now who is the one who is really trying to change the arrangement, and if you think its you then be the one who makes the effort to make the changes. Remember this have been going on for 13 years do not try to change things over night. (Allah knows best)
May Allah grant us patience in all situations and guidance

LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH:
IF IT'S NOT FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH IS IT EVEN WORTH DOING?
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« Reply #9 on: Jan 24, 2010 04:33 PM »

Ah....  So what IS qaat?   Huh?


It's a type of leaf that people chew to get high. It's popular in Somalia, Yemen and other countries among both men and women. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khat

Excerpt on the effects of Khat (Qaat, Chat, etc.)from Wikipedia:

"Khat consumption induces mild euphoria and excitement. A meta-analysis in The Lancet has stated that khat creates a pleasuring effect to the same degree as ecstasy. Individuals become very talkative under the influence of the drug and may appear to be unrealistic and emotionally unstable. Khat can induce manic behaviors and hyperactivity. Khat is an effective anorectic and its use also results in constipation. Dilated pupils (mydriasis), which are prominent during khat consumption, reflect the sympathomimetic effects of the drug, which are also reflected in increased heart rate and blood pressure. A state of drowsy hallucinations (hypnagogic hallucinations) may result coming down from khat use as well. Withdrawal symptoms that may follow occasional use include mild depression and irritability. Withdrawal symptoms that may follow prolonged khat use include lethargy, mild depression, nightmares, and slight tremor. The Khat also causes loss of appetite, so most of its users are underweight. Long-term use can precipitate the following effects: negative impact on liver function, permanent tooth darkening (of a greenish tinge), susceptibility to ulcers, and diminished sex drive. "

If the brother is a user and refuses to stop, the sister might have some very tough decisions to make.  Her situation is unlikely to improve if her husband refuses to give up his "hobby".
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« Reply #10 on: Jan 25, 2010 09:27 AM »

salam


I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh.

I guess I'm just astounded that this sister has spent the last thirteen years effectively on her own, bar 15 days, and she's questioning her self?

I think Sr Se7en has good ideas, go introduce yourself and your children to your inlaws, invite them to meet your parents etc.

Also are there any drug helplines/centres available where you are, where you can get advice on this qat addiction of your husbands, can you speak to your imam, and once you've met your in laws perhaps speak to them of your concerns, altho to be honest, dont go in with 'Hi, I'm your other daughter in law, these are your other grandkids, and btw, your son has a severe drug addiction which is driving me insane...'

But then you've spent a long time with this in your life, so you would know better how to approach your husbands parents about the issue.

As for wife number one, be nice to her whenever you meet, your husbands treatment of you both has been severely lacking in anything even approaching respect and love. You two are not adversaries.


Out of curiosity, why did you agree to marry your husband secretly? This always really astounds me, you're a wife, Islamically and legally recognised (I'm assuming you reside in a country where your status as a legal spouse is recognised), why would you wish to hide it from the world in direct conflict of your own God given rights?






Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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