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Author Topic: Divorce need advice?  (Read 888 times)
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Anonymous
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« on: Feb 12, 2010 08:37 PM »


Salam Alaikum,

I have been married for about 5 years to a convert and someone who is religious and knowledgeable.  Our relationship has not been the best, I feel like he has not been a friend to me and he never really shares anything with me.  I don't find him respecting my worth.  i see how he can talk to others about problems for others but when it comes to his own wife, I find him very distant.  We don't find a lot of things similar, we don't see eye to eye.  I am a nice wife, I admit I am at fault at certain things like not looking nice everyday or not offering him a drink when he comes home but I feel so exhausted looking after my kids that I don't have time to do all that.  I feel like I have to be rude to him b/c he never gives us the time of day. He only spends lunch time to eat with us and the rest of the time he is studying.  He doesn't see his kids a lot and neither does he see me.  We always argue about pity things.

Recently I found out that he has been exposing my name to some of his friends and telling them how unhappy he is with me.  And when I found this out it showed that he really doesn't love me or respect me at all.  It is wrong to expose your wife to others..Allah reminds us to be a garment for one another to clothe one another.  He could have spoken to an elder or my family but why his friends?  His friends gave him the advice of divorce and now he doesn't want to make things work he says if i change then he is willing to accept the marriage but if i dont' change he won't again.  I feel like he has to change, in order for me to change..he has to be more around in the house and be more loyal and trusting towards me.

I am really confused because there are kids involved and i don't want to make a messy matter get worse.

Please advise
Thank You

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« Reply #1 on: Feb 12, 2010 09:56 PM »

salam


You both need to meet the other half way.

I think you guys need to sit down with a senior member from both your families & have a discussion. About howyou feel, what you want from one another & what compromises you are willing to reach.

Is there anyone in his family who your husband looks up to and you like also & the same from your family? Approach them and have a meeting.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #2 on: Feb 14, 2010 09:42 AM »

as salaamu alaykum,

I sense some communication issues between you two and would highly recommend a book called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".  Sometimes the messages we think we're sending are not understood the way we intended, and sometimes we interpret actions or words from our husbands in ways that they never really meant! subhanAllah. I found this book really beneficial in helping to understand some of these differences and putting things in context.  It even has pages of "translations" - what you say and what they hear and vice versa... it is very interesting.  

For example, you mentioned that sometimes you are rude to your husband as a response to the way he treats you, as a way for him to know that you dislike his distance, and his not talking to you about important matters etc.  From my experience, I am pretty sure that he has NOT made that connection, and doesn't see any relationship between the two.  Really, men have a hard time making these kinds of connections and need things to be expressed clearly.  I remember a lecture by Sh. Abdullah Adhami (who is one of the most sensitive and amazing scholars out there when it comes to gender relations and womens issues, mashaAllah) where he was joking about this trait in men - how they don't see the link between events and so there is an argument between a couple at home in the morning and when the husband comes home at night and his wife doesn't hug him he's like Huh? what does this have to do with that?

My point is that you both have to commit to understanding each other and giving a little bit.  Divorce is huge.  HUGE.  It's there as an option, but why not try all other possibilities before going that route.  And why wait for him to make the initial move?  what do you have to lose by setting aside your anger and resentment for a little bit and giving of yourself for a short time, if it resolves the issues in your marriage?  Its one of those things - lose the battle but win the war you know what I mean Smiley

May Allah make things easy for you and guide you to the best decisions in regards to your family life, and grant you a home of sakeena and tranquility,

salaam,
7

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