// Nikkah?? HELP!
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Anonymous
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« on: Jul 08, 2010 04:09 PM »


Ok this is a new story:

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. (in the halal way ofcourse - intro'd by parents, with the whole family present).

Boy likes Girl.  Girl likes Boy.  They both agree and have the same views on nearly everything.

Now all the hadeeth say to not delay the nikkah and that the best walima is the smallest walima. (Not exact qoutes but thats jist of it right?)

and that the 'engagement' has NO islamic value?

So both the boy and girl want barakth in their marriage and new lifes and want to do everything the halal way.  This includes ALWAY ensuring there is a third person, doing the nikkah soon, and having a small walima.

Now the parents want a BIG desi (paki n indian) walima.  They want an engagement in august and then a nikkah and walima on the same day/weekend in APRIL!!!!!

Boy and girl have convinced their parents to cut out all the music and dancing of females infront of males BUT they still want a big walima (both are eldest children, and its also an only son). and they want the nikkah in NINE MONTHS. not realising the impact this actually has.

Most of the people we've spoken to have advised that we do the enagment in august (like our parents want) and then the nikkah in november (most convinent time and also meets the parents half way) and then the walima in april.

Does anyone have any advice/ help?
Or been in a similar situation?
we both DEFINATLY do not want to argue with our parents as thats a greater sin, but is their any easy way of explaining??

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JustOne
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« Reply #1 on: Jul 09, 2010 12:00 PM »

I'm assuming you're the guy...

Anyway... try to convince your parents to eliminate the engagement step and do the nikkah plus big shaadi shebang.... maybe in November instead of April... because that does seem quite far off...

Now the thing is... do both parties live abroad or does the girl's family actually live in Pakistan - I know sometimes the paperwork takes a while - so it would have to be factored in. 

Anyway, you know the situation best... speaking from experience, don't be too rigid in what you want - you have to factor in your parents' wishes.... and it'll probably ALSO add  barakah to your marriage, inshaAllah... (as long as they aren't asking you to do something haram - like a mehndi)...

My husband basically drew a solid line pre-marriage.. no talking unless we were nikkahfied (I'm convinced he wouldn't have actually followed through... but we'll never know, will we?) ..... SOOOO.... our nikkah happened in a week's time... and the big shaadi thing happened 5 months later... again, it was a paperwork issue... I needed my Saudi visa.  I think I would have preferred an engagement and then a nikkah+walima... and heck! I would have been ok not talking to him too Smiley

My parents were totally prepared to have a simple wedding... but my husband's side... (only son and oldest kid situation here too)... had a 5000 person guest list.... in retrospect, I REALLY wish I had made some unilateral decisions (similar to my husband's no-talking rule) about things like the mehndi (which was important to me before the event)... but I'm sort of chill like that... (and to this day, my mother-in-law insists that I wanted the mehndi, to which all I can do is raise an eyebrow)

I will also add here.... our nikkah ceremony with our closest family and friends (at my parents' house)... was the BEST event we had... it was peaceful and serene and just absolutely beautiful in its simplicity....

All the other events (yes we had a mehndi - and it was ridiculous because no one in my family sings or dances, which made my husband's side upset because the mehndi was 'almost a nightmare because it was very boring' - reception and walima)... just made people fight. I was mad about my clothes (given to me by the other side, which did not meet my simple parameters of "FULL SLEEVES PLEASE"), my husband was upset about the decor, my father-in-law had a fight with the photographer (and my father, which made me seriously upset, because my father is the most docile person I know... but then FIL is the most aggressive person I know... so I understand it was his natural instinct to vent somewhere and somehow)... to name a FEW....

In the grand scheme of things... I just want to forget it ever happened.... because it leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth (i think my blood pressure just rose thinking about it during the process of typing this out)... and I only want to remember the serenity of the evening of the nikkah.... 

On that note, I hope your experience is wonderful though, inshaAllah... hahaha...

So in answer to your questions....I agree.... don't argue with your parents.... it will really make you feel bad afterwards... not to mention the sin.  But maybe you can discuss your SIMPLIFIED rules... like don't get into nitty gritties... but just basic essential things (like the time period).... and have your parents bring it up to the girl's family.   

Btw... I do think the wedding kind of foreshadows things to come...the more complicated you make your wedding, the more room there is for disaster...

All the best, inshaAllah.
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« Reply #2 on: Jul 09, 2010 12:08 PM »

Btw.... we had also requested a similar time period.... engagement in October, nikkah in February, and then walima thing in the summer....

The legitimate reason for this was that my father was still recovering from a triple bypass surgery in August and my sister was getting divorced at the time and fighting an ugly custody battle and couldn't leave the US to attend my wedding, and my mom was constantly flying between the US and Pakistan.... so we truly needed the time and space...

All I can say is, may Allah reward my parents for their patience and understanding....

Anyway, the point is, even going through all of that, my parents' TOTALLY respected my husband's request, because the basis for it was religious... 

So you may be surprised at the result you get just by approaching this the right way Smiley   
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« Reply #3 on: Jul 09, 2010 01:19 PM »

Assalamo elikuim

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So you may be surprised at the result you get just by approaching this the right way
I agree with Sr. JustOne advise, Mashallah.

But

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(as long as they aren't asking you to do something haram - like a mehndi)...
 
Really ? Are you talking about mix dancing etc in any gathering  or just the function Mehndi ?


Wasalam
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JustOne
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« Reply #4 on: Jul 10, 2010 03:10 PM »

Well... it's just MY opinion that a mehndi is haraam.... 

Simply because the purpose of a mehndi is TO dance and TO sing and to take part in those customs which have definite hindu roots...  somehow doesn't sit well with me.

I know people have different opinions about this... I'm just raising the one I agree with most.
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« Reply #5 on: Jul 11, 2010 08:38 AM »

salaam

I'm lost in what your asking?

Are you saying your parents are waiting too long to do a nikkah? I think it will be okay, nine months will fly by inshAllah..
what else big walima?  The more people you iinvte to celebrate and feed, I'm thinking more reward..
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