I had one of those discussions with my friend, where one ends up reflecting on life, love, the universe...and it's Creator.........
As those of you who are familiar with this forum will know that I am currently living in interesting times!
I was talking to my best friend about life, and as girls do we were dissecting things down to the atom. And then it occurred to me, you know I don't think my relationship with Allah has been so close before this time.
Once about a million years ago, I remember weeping in dua that I felt I had lost my connection with Allah, and I really really longed to have that back, and now suddenly it really is, I am constantly doing dhikr and praying on time and making nafl salat and taking time out to sit and make duas, I guess most people must do this, but I tend to stop making duas when life is going well unfortunately, as soon as my salat is over I take off and rejoin life as if I didn't I would miss something vital, altho really nothing is that important in my life at all.
I have not established prayer as wholeheartedly as this since before I had my first child eight years ago! I remember vividly the agony of being childless and sitting alone in duas, waking for tahajjud, and being in a constant state of istighfar, and praying with my heart completely, and when I had children suddenly I stopped so completely that at a point I noticed this huge gaping emptiness in my soul and I prayed fervently for that state to return.
When I was talking to my friend and complaining about my life, I suddenly just stopped short, I do not want to return to the content person with seemingly everything, not if its at a cost of losing Allah swt. I'm not courageous, I am a big fat coward, I can't stand hardships or sorrows, but I think really truly that I would be willing to continue putting one foot in front of the other and journey thro life with my head down and eyes fixed firmly at the point of where I should place my next step, if this is the only way I can remain closer to Allah swt.
Because during my conversation with my friend I suddenly remembered the verse in the Quran which goes 'And which of your Lords favours will you deny', and right there my complaints choked me, I really do not want to be amongst those people who deny Allahs favours, how will I face Allah after all his favours upon me known and unknown how on earth can I complain like this to my friends when I know He listens and knows??
Oh how I envy those before us, Abraham (AS), who's strength of faith saw him agreeable to be thrown into a burning fire so long as his Lord was pleased with him, I don't have an iota of that and I covet that iman so deeply, why did Allah make me so weak so absoutely inferior...
There is one thing I can say about life, Alhumdulillah for difficulties, because if it weren't for them who knows where I would be and how much dust would have gathered on my prayer mat. I hope even when I die I have words of thanks to Allah to my very last breath inshallah.
But how do you guys keep up your level of iman, tell me, help me, please???